Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Reviews for Prince of the Dancing Gypsies

By : AlyssaW

From fire4ashz on July 15, 2008
please update soon !!!
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From ANON - luckyducky7too on May 22, 2005
This is a great story. I hope you update soon!
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From ANON - cat on April 06, 2005
plz update soon.i really loved the story.
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From ANON - Jojo on April 04, 2005
This is great! Please, update this really really soon!

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From ANON - kais_girl on April 01, 2005
heh i truly like this one very good you should keep at it
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From botticelliangel on March 19, 2005
Hey hun! I see spring breaks treating you good cause you updated! ^-^
Well I have to say I was slightly dissapointed with this chapter. I know you can do better than that!!!
Ok to start... *looks at notes*... The issue of being on the road from Rome to Romania, good: You're timeframe is accurate to history. *I'm guessing this is mid-late middle ages?* The Roman Catholic Church would have held sway over Rome and the surrounding providences durring lent. But dont forget that Romania was also a Catholic state, I believe they were Eastern Orthodox... they were as strict and stringent as the Roman Catholic Church during those times. To make the text read easier you might want to change Romania to a more generalized Serb area (Including Romania, Transelvania, Hungary, and parts of Turkey) That's just a suggestion though cause Rome to Romania can be a bit strange on the eyes since they look alike.
Another thing about the trip taking a shortcut through the woods? Excuse me! The majority of their trip would have been through mountains and woods! Cause dont forget Italy is toped by mountains they would have to pass at least through some of the Alps to get to Romania... When you say words like shortcut it implies that they are doing a short trip... which you specifically said takes about three weeks.
Just take out the whole shortcut part... leave it at they are on a journey to go back to their homeland. *historically gypsies wouldn't have taken shortcuts without first knowing the area and knowing that they 'owned' it, as territorial battles and run-ins with pirates, thugs, and the like was always possible.*
You give only visual descriptions, and I had to look up the word 'Clydesdales' because i had no clue what it was you were talking about the only other clues you gave to what they were was that they had brown hides and they pulled the wagon... they could have been cows, oxen, muels even... maybe explain that they are horses... Work on giving pazzaz to your descriptions for example "the grey old wrinkled eyes of an old woman" How many times are you going to say old and give visual clues to oldness in the same sentance? simply saying "the grey eyes of the an old woman" would suffice. Please please please give clues other than just saying their in a forest to the setting... maybe the mud underfoot, or the needles of the evergreens brushing by the cloth of the wagon... stuff like that also give description with sound, taste, and smell...
When describing the caravan... are they traveling in covered wagons? Were they stopped at all for the section that you were describing or just traveling? I got the impression that they were in covered wagons but again you're detail is vauge...
Please explain what you mean by 'purifying their cards' after all not all of your readers are going to know what that means. You could change that by simply saying 'wiping the surfaces from dirt' and 'organizing them to their proper locations'
Larissa... *I like that name* What is her relationship to Inuyasha? Sisterly, not biological just emotional? is that why she acts so bold about him, because if he is indeed the prince of the gypsies wouldn't others in his group revere him?
Also if she went with them to Rome wouldn't she have a general idea of how long it would take to get back to Romania? *yes i know you said shortcut... but cut the shortcut... please*
My biggest dissapointment in the chapter was that you gave away the entire story... You need to learn how to give information so it leaves your readers with an air of mystery and intrigue... especially with a story that deals with fates and telling the future... I had my sister and two of her friends (all in 8th grade) read this just to make sure it wasn't because i already do know what you want to do with the story that i thought this... all of them said that they felt like they knew what was going to happen and one of them said 'i wouldn't read it anymore because i already know what is going to happen'...
Now if that was applied to your readers you're loosing one out of every three readers already... and you've barely gotten started.
Another thing about fate *yes i know this is long but it needs to be said* you cant have everything be left up to fate! put some real life cause and effect in there! for instance Ranger finding Kagome on instinct? um... yeah its a little too convenient... not to mention I absolutly hated the fact that you skipped Kagome's punishment... now your readers dont know how she got away what went through her mind anything like that... how she ended up in the woods so far away from where she began... she couldn't have walked that far in her 'condition' which you barely described at all.
Leaving everything up to fate makes it sound surreal... you want a real element in this story right? Think of what would happen in a real life situation... do some research into how people lived and thought durring that time. Use your own instincts... You are human. being human and realizing your characters are human is the best way to figure out how they would act in certain situations. For instance if you were Kagome just waking up from being beaten and accused of a crime, and having a generally terrible life, would you have opened up right away to telling some stranger who was obviously part of a group that was partially responsible for your misery what happened? Would you even want to talk to her?
My review isn't flowing at all but now I want to talk about the dialog... the dialog between the characters who are younger *I'm assuming their around our age* is natural... it flows... that is great... The dialog between characters younger and older... well I had a hard time getting through it to tell you the truth. Just because a character is older doesn't mean that they have to speak with unusual inflections that beat around the bush... especially in this situation. They are gypsies probably largely uneducated they dont need, nor is it concevable that they would talk like shakespear characters... tone it down some, yes i know you are trying to account for language and accents but the best way to do that is to listen to someone speaking our language with an accent, preferably someone older as that's where you're problem seems to be... when you are writing dialog for the older chacters think of the person that you listened to and see if their speech inflections match the characters. it is always best and easiest to write what you know.
another thing that doesn't flow but needs to be said... when Kagome was fighting with Inuyasha you mentioned a line about mothers covering their children's eyes... lol you are so sheltered hun... the line was unnecissary. in that time with the situations that those people lived under the body would have been a natual part of life. gypsies probably didnt sheild their children from seeing a naked female, after all there was no private baths especially portable ones. And think about it, children up to 100 years ago were seen as miniture adults they were expected to work just as hard as adults and act like adults. the children living in a traveling group were probably sent off to work as entertainers as soon as they were able to around 5 or 6 years old. The ones younger then that would have stayed with their mothers.

I think thats all... but yeah you can definatly do better than you did on this chapter... don't feel rushed just because people say 'update soon' masterpeices take more than a week to write.
^-^ Just a question, you can say no and call me a bitch the next week if you want to, but can I beta for you? It would be a lot easier cause then you wouldn't get these long probably embarrassing reviews from me.
I am trying to keep with constructive critisim... because it helps when you get it... *i wish someone would do this for my stories !!! even though i dread it like the plague* And you will need to have things squared away like the stuff i mentioned in the review if you want to turn this into a real story.
I love ya hun... have fun *you're prolly rolling you're eyes* but i mean it have a great vacation ttyl.
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From ANON - Mija on March 19, 2005
hehe I LIKE IT!!!....great chapter, Inuyasha deserves to get straddled with Kagome and help her hide, since it is HIS fault hehe...love the chapter thank you much for sending me an email on the update, sorry it took a bit to get to it but have been really busy with family stuff...hope to read a new chapter soon, soo loving this fic, so diffrent, I like alot, till next chapter be well, safe and happy huggles and smiles Mija....:-)
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From ANON - anaidil on March 18, 2005
Thanks for updating. Definitely, I love this story. But what destiny waits for Inuyasha and Kagome? Please continue the story�I hope you can update very soon. PLEASE!!!!!!
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From ANON - katt_jam on March 15, 2005
whooo hoo a new chapter, I'm so happy. Loved the fact that in this story yasha's mom is alive, usually she is dead and there are only references to her. can't wait for the next chapter.
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From ANON - Lorelai on March 15, 2005
I definitely like this, I think it's really good. The story and plot are original and seem to be very complex. My only complaint is that you update so infrequently and this is such a complex story I have to practically read the whole thing from the beginning everytime you update or reading a new chapter is pointless. This could be solved if you updated more often =D
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From ANON - trina on March 15, 2005
ooo. i loved this chapter. so when do we get to see sango amd miroku enter the story . and update soon ok. plz.
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From ANON - Zabe on March 07, 2005
This is an awesome ass story-- you must write more!
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From ANON - melyanna on March 06, 2005
i miss your story
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From ANON - michelle on March 04, 2005
i really like this story please update i really would like to know what happens.
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From botticelliangel on March 03, 2005
Hey hun. I finally got around to reading your story and I like it very much, but there are definately things you can work on to make it even better. So here are some tips:
Start out with less conflict: you have kagome the orphan, being abused by her mistress, and wrongly accused of a crime. Spend some time going back through those situations and examining each one... take some time explaining her status as an orphan and the reasons why her mistress dislikes her and that will set up a better understanding for the motive of the mistress to accuse her of a crime and sentance her to be hanged. The idea is good you just need a bit more depth.
Work on characterization: You explain kagome's inner feelings awsomely, but without an understanding of the other characters, especially the inserted characters who we (as fanfiction readers) do not already have a preconcieved idea for the story appears a bit rushed.
Awsome job with setting, and explaining character/place appearance. Don't forget to use all the senses when describing a scene (touch taste smell hear feel).
Good luck with the next chapter I will continue to read as it is an enjoyable story!!!
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