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Reviews for Miroku's love and Sango's pain

By : livluvburn
  • From VampireWitch on January 07, 2005
    Ah, much easier to read this time. You say you aren't normally a writer? This is a good start, though it looks as though AFFN may have messed up the format again...oh well. Long as it's easy to read and understand, that's the important thing, and it is.

    Also, I can't remember if anyone suggested it to you, but if you really feel that you need help, or that you might be missing something, try finding a beta. I've been writing for ages (though not InuYasha stuff, so you're braver than me there) and I still sometimes have a beta double-check it (I say sometimes because usually the people who've betaed for me are also doing so for others, or we lose contact with each other).

    Nice work. :)
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  • From ANON - Spud on December 09, 2004
    *claps hands enthusiastically* Bravo ma cheri! That was much better! Forget the one star. I'd go four! A few mistakes, but that's okay. Update soon!
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  • From ANON - Spud on December 06, 2004
    NOT A FLAME!!! I read the fic. It was, in fact, a lot better than I presumed. Please forgive me for... if you will... 'Judging this book by its cover.' Nice plot too. And trust me, that's a REAL compliment. I'm not usually into fics that aren't Inu/Kag. If I stop reading this fic, it's not your fault. Like I said, Inu/Kag. I have a few suggestions, if you'll listen. Capitalize ALL names, wether they're at the beginning of the sentence, middle, or end. Your weakest point is grammar. You should get grammar check and formatting. Midnight_Sparrow was right, it isn't your spelling. It's moreso your puntuation and capitalization. I notice you do this:

    kaede: blah blah blah

    It's better if you do something like this.

    "Child, ye are strong and will survive. Just hold on." Kaede reassured the trembling Sango with ease.

    One more tip. Paragraphs. I had to squint when I reached the 12th line. Although, this computer screen can be hard on the eyes after a while if you stare at it for too long. (^_^) That's about it. But (I'm sorry if I keep repeating this), you really, REALLY don't want to post something like 'WHATS THE BIG IDEA' ever again. It really annoys people, and it makes you sound kinda selfish (sorry). Again, I'm sorry about the flame.

    P.S.-I'm NOT a guy. I'm completely female. And I LIKE potatoes! But seriously, is there actually anything wrong with them? No. (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, read the review from me (WHATS THE BIG IDEA), which will explain Kira's review, which will explain my second (or in fact third [-_O]) review. And she called me a retarded bastard. The nicest and most generous person I know is my 7-year-old cousin, and guess what? She's literally retarded. Her mind is slower than other peoples', but that didn't stop her from giving her new bike to charity. So I actually take being retarded as a compliment. Okay, I'm done. Good luck and congrats to you.
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  • From ANON - YoukaiFate on December 06, 2004
    An interesting start. I wonder how the demon came inside Sango and attacked her? Hints are that it is something women of her village go through, but I wonder. Your comment about "child birth (?) on thorns" made me choke...LOL! Cute tenderness on Miroku's part. I would only suggest using a spellcheck and grammar check - if you don't have one, there are ones at yahoo.com and other websites that may help. A good story, if this is your first. Keep plugging away, and ignore bad remarks from bad reviews, only take suggestions. :)
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  • From ANON - Demonicslayer (NLI) on December 05, 2004
    I like it

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  • From VampireWitch on December 05, 2004
    Ok, here's the thing...it looks like this might have potential...however, I got lost about the tenth line in.

    The first thing you really should do if you want people to review (I saw your note and decided to check this out) is to format it. Break things into paragraphs. Also, remember that anytime the dialogue changes speakers, a new line begins. Like this:

    (Your version): what is it sango, are you feeling ill?” “miroku, ooohh aaaghh oooowww henhhenh! h h help meee”

    (The easier to read and determine who's talking version):

    what is it sango, are you feeling ill?”
    “miroku, ooohh aaaghh oooowww henhhenh! h h help meee”

    From what I can tell, spell check, despite what some others say, won't help much. Your spelling is actually not bad. But grammar check would help. I noticed there was confusion on which to use: "there" or "their".

    I know sometimes you write a fic and can't wait to post it, so you rush it up. I've done that myself. But it only leads to taking down the fic later when you realize something is wrong with it...I'm actually in the process of going back through all of my fics on fanfiction.net and correcting errors that I missed because of hasty posting.

    If you did originally have the fic formatter, but AFFN has messed it up, which has been happening to people, my advice is to just repost entirely.

    Also, those who reviewed your note were right: just because you write a story and post it automatically means you will get reviews. And bugging people for them by creating a note with its title in caps might gain attention, but not the kind you really want.


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  • From ANON - Meres on December 05, 2004
    I saw your request and decided to review. I had a quick look at the story. It's very short as it is, so it's hard to tell if it's good or bad as far a plot goes but I can't say I was especially impressed or moved by it. I can tell you that you really need to edit and reformat. You need to paragraph, you need to recognise where to capitalize words and you really need to edit for spelling and grammar problems. I'll give it to you straight, your spelling is pretty bad. No one is perfect, but using "u" in place of "you" doesn't really up your credibility.

    It is well-nigh impossible to read a huge block of text like that and not come out cross-eyed. You need to learn how to punctuate and paragraph dialogue in a coherent way.

    People likely didn't review because they couldn't muster up the interest to get through trying to understand it and so abdandoned it once they saw how hard it was to read. I realize that might sound harsh in writing, but that's not my intent. I'm not trying to put you off writing or say that it's terrible, but it needs work in order to be readable. If you want examples of excellent fanfic (and excellent grammar and style) read anything by Sueric or Wheezambu or Resmiranda, among others depending upon your taste. I'd recommend brushing up on your grammar, and/or getting a beta. Good luck! :)
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