Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Reviews for Infinite Dreams

By : ChibiPorunga

From ANON - Snowfall on October 06, 2005
I am expecting company, so real fast. It is not just the technical definition of a word that you must consider when placing it, but the context:

Examples of word usage

Used:

Pampered
Her pampered life had left her spoiled, untrained, and too soft to live the rugged life of an adventurous demon slayer in search of the illusive pieces needed to make the Shikon No Tama whole once again.

Alternative:

Padded
Using all the tools of stealth at his disposal, Sesshoumaru stalked his prey with deathly silence as his feet padded soundlessly over the snow covered forest floor.

Used:

Leered
The drooling three-eyed demon leered with disgust at the alluring son of the Lord Inu-Taisho.

Suggestion:

Sesshoumaru �turned his gaze� to the pale blue sky, bereft of spring�s many colored pallet.

Used

Pallid:

The dull, pallid flesh of a dead man is not what a young woman would want looking back at her from a mirror.

Suggested:

Pallet
Pallets filled with a plethora of colors are used by many women to brighten the pallid flesh of aging skin.

One other thing that didn�t make it in the last post and I do not know if it has been address. A human that is brought over as a vampire is the child of the one who made him/her. As such, they are a newborn, sired by an older, stronger vampire. Hence, the reference on Buffy. To sire is to create a being in the animalistic sense of raising horses, cattle, etc.

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From ANON - Snowfall on October 06, 2005
Darn it! I wrote this huge long review and that's all that came through on my copy/paste! *sigh* My point was, that a beta can help you with where and when to put the appropriate words without sounding redundant. There is a limit to how far you can stretch the english vocabulary and AFF's beta's can help. I like your style, but can't handle the enormous amount of word misusage. I couldn't get beyond the first chapter and would love to read your fic after you've had it beta'd. Feel free to email me when you have done so.

Thanks
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From ANON - snowfall on October 06, 2005
Words and phrases that I take issue with:

slendered: this is not a word, but a contrived variation. The correct word would be �narrowed�.

�vivid annoyance�: the word �vivid� usually refers to the colors or scene one is witnessing with the eyes. I have never seen it used in this context and find it quite awkward.

Leer: a leer is a sidelong glance that is given to a person that you disgust or are having sexual thoughts about.

Pallid: A lack of color, pale. I believe you meant, �pallet�. That is what a painter places his oil paints on. Or a pallet can be an illustrated guide to colors. (French spelling �pallete�)

mirrored on the horizon: the word �mirrored� does not make sense. Try �loomed�.

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From ANON - Dante on October 06, 2005
Wow, all I can say at the moment is WOW.

D_
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From ANON - Anon on October 06, 2005
Chibi-Porunga,

Put down the purple crayon, you're scribbling all over your prose.
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From ANON - Chosa on October 05, 2005
Like a beautiful painting, a well oiled machine. Like the shifting winds ever so subtle. Your story is a work of art. Brillient really. The first that I have read so far that is constructed thus so. Great work. Looking forward to your update.
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From ANON - Chibi-Porunga on October 04, 2005
Unfortunately, since I am on webtv I do not have the luxury of having a "spell checker" - it isn't that I cant spell, it's just a typo that happened and I didn't catch it. Actually, I can defend every word you pointed out and why they were used and so forth. Starting with ---

"Pampered" - used for the purpose of lightly tapping against; I didn't want Sesshomaru to dig, grind, or stomp at the dirt.

"sire" - can mean create and not necessarily meaning to have a child. For example from the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "Darla sired Angel..."

"leer" - okay...should have put eyes instead of head. I'm glad you actually know what it means since I had some argue with me over what it meant >.
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From ANON - AmberWaves on October 04, 2005
Getting past the unbelievable purpleness of your prose, I think the problem here is that you're using words incorrectly. A lot of them. When people complain about your writing, it's not that you're using frasmodic pericombobulations, but that you're using them interfrastically.

This list of things you need to work on is just chapter 1; I can do the others for you if you like. Believe it or not, I'm not out to make you miserable, just to impress upon you the direness of what you've done here, and offer ways to improve it.

- "pampered" is not something boots do to the ground
- it's spelled "yeArning"
- nostril raping is just OMG FUNNY
- nestle in what, exactly?
- heads don't leer; that's something eyes do
- "pallid" is an adjective, not a noun
- do gusts clump? If so, how?
- ambling =/= daunting stride
- diseased =/= uneasy
- "usher" is something you do to someone else
- "erherging" is not a word in the English language
- neither is "detestment"
- nor is "prominate"
- incense =/= scent
- "sire a mate"... siring means to procreate, not marry; he wants a husband/wife, not a kid
- "gregarious" means good-natured, which is absolutely *not* what Sesshoumaru is feeling
- "tasted" is used in the form of "tasted of" not "tasted with"
- "inticement" is not a word in the English language

I hope you take my advice as such, and not a flame, because I do like that you're breaking away from trite and rote overuse of bland, everyday words. But please do use a spell-check and for the love of god, have a dictionary by you that you use *every time* you choose to employ another unusual word. Otherwise you just look like English is your second (or even third) language.
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From ChibiPorunga on October 04, 2005
Thank you for expressing your opinion...as ignorant as it did come across. As I have mentioned to someone prior, I do not like blan and over-generalized words. I'm sorry if you don't understand them. Nor do I have a thesaurus glued to me as you so make it out to seem. I have yet to even dip into the core of this story and I don't plan on rushing into it. I assure you there is one and a damn good one at that. As far as dialogue is concerned, I don't feel there needs to be an abundance of it. Short snipets is fine and it gets to the point. Perhaps you also didn't catch the word "insanity" in the summary of this entire story. Insanity can do anything to anyone...including Sesshomaru. I'm building up to a hell-storm to come and believe me, it's not going to have a happliy-ever-after-ending.
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From ANON - H-chan on October 04, 2005
Okay first off, this story doesn't work for me at all.
You need to put down the thesaurus, and pace yourself from looking at it again. Your overuse of adjectives is killing my concentration of this story, and well I think it kills the story itself too. And most of all your word choice for things seems either awkward, contrived, or just not within context at all. Sometimes I couldn't help but burst out in laughter at how strange and convoluted things sounded. And I'm sure this story isn't a comedy. And where's the plot? I have to sift through all the garbled overloaded adjectives just to see what the hell is going on.
The characters are completely out of character. Your justification for Sesshoumaru's desires for his brother are so totally unbelievable. And Inuyasha seems like a major doormat in this. I can't believe he wouldn't resist his brother's advances more than that. Did you give Inuyasha a personality at all, or is he just some meek little doll your Sesshoumaru-pornstar-emoStu can fuck? I would think Inuyasha would rather kill himself then let Sesshoumaru do those things to him. And the dialogue, Oh my, where do I start. Like I said, OOC. Sesshoumaru doesn't care about love, and you haven't given him a solid progression of characterization to have him feel love anyway.
This story is so farfetched and unoriginal. I think you need to start over.
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From ChibiPorunga on October 04, 2005
If you can't offer something constructive or a reason along with why you don't like my story, then please don't bother leaving a note here. I will delete it.
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From ANON - person on October 04, 2005
Bloody awesome. That last line of Sesshoumaru's? Pure classic. You rule. That was a great chapter. I look forward sooooo much to the next one.
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From ANON - Dante on October 04, 2005
I think Sesshomaru's sanity has gotten up and left the room, and he's taking Inuyasha's with him.

D_
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From ANON - Chibi-Porunga on October 03, 2005
Good things come to those who wait ^.^
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From ANON - foxykittykat on October 03, 2005
continue please! more!
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