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Reviews for Right in Front of you

By : TheGoddessRhiannon
  • From vikikibouki on May 24, 2007
    Your story is good, and so is your plot. Unfortunately I really had trouble reading it because of the fact that there are no seperate paragraphs. Just one extra-large one. I did the exact same thing. MY computer wouldn't do what I wanted it to and I couldn't get my spacing done. Try going onto your control panel and editing your story. When you get to where you want your paragraph to stop, press 'enter' on your keyboard. Then you'll be good to go for your next paragraph. If you do this with all of your chapters, It'll be much easier for the readers to get the gist of your story. Good luck, sweetie.
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  • From kookookitty on May 24, 2007
    rhiannon

    hi, i can beta for you but i won't edit the lemon scenes. my general address is listed with my profile, if i hear from you i will give you the address i use to beta.

    after you get the other address, you can send me an attatched word document or just copy/paste the text directly to the message. i will give you some pointers to work on from each chapter to improve your writing.

    ginny
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  • From kookookitty on May 24, 2007
    this is an interesting story, the dialog is entertaining and realistic, the scenes are described well.

    a couple suggestions: extra lines between paragraphs, it not only makes it easier to read but it makes it look prettier too!
    watch malapropisms and homophones, spell check won't catch them as they are real words that are words that sound similar or even the same as the words you intend on using... common homophones people mix up: coarse-rough, course-a set way or the saying 'of course', corse-an old fashioned word for corpse. your-you own it, you're-you are etc.

    i would love to read more!

    thank you,
    ginny
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  • From ElementalDemonessSorceress on April 06, 2007
    I really like this story alot. Can you please write some more chapters?
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  • From ANON - pat on July 25, 2006
    ok great besides grammer u put wise instead of wish again amd other things
    if u can get a beta reader ud b set and ready for more great reviews
    it really is a great story but the bad grammer kinda ruins it
    so fix it and it would b perfect
    update soon
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  • From ANON - Ouatic-7 on July 06, 2006
    It's hard to judge the quality of the actual story because of the great number of mechanical errors. For instance, here are the first several lines:

    “Are you sure that its down there Kagome?”
    “Of coarse I’m sure. I’ve been doing this for three years now Miroku.” Why would I say it’s down there if it wasn’t? It’s not like I go around telling them there’s a shared where there isn’t.
    “Yes, of coarse. I was just asking if you were sure it was down there and not over on the other side.”
    I made that mistake two years ago, and he still wont let it go! “If I meet the other side I would have said that it was on the other side, not that it was down there.”

    Here they are corrected:
    “Are you sure that it's down there, Kagome?”

    “Of course I’m sure. I’ve been doing this for three years now, Miroku.” 'Why would I say it’s down there if it isn’t? It’s not like I go around telling them there’s a shard where there isn’t.'

    “Yes, of course. I was just asking if you were sure it was down there and not over on the other side.”

    'I made that mistake two years ago, and he still wont let it go!' “If I meant the other side I would have said that it was on the other side, not that it was down there.”

    You do start a new paragraph for each speaker which is good but you need to doublespace between paragraphs or they all run together making it hard to read. A lot of the story is thoughts which are usually demarked by a single quote or italics. I got the feeling that you wrote the story letting your word processor fix errors on the fly and then didn't proof it yourself before posting thus the errors like "coarse" for "course" and "shared" for "shard".


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  • From ANON - Anon on July 05, 2006
    too many errors to count..

    please EDIT
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  • From ANON - pat on July 05, 2006
    ok GREAT storie i looooooove it just one problem
    grammer
    u used wise instead of wish every single time along with some other problems but besides that perfect
    im really hooked on this so please update ASAP
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