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Reviews for When Everything Falls Apart

By : IrishBlackRosie
  • From Tip1988 on October 20, 2008
    Okay I have been reading fanfiction for over five years and this is my first review. Chapter six actually made me cry because of what shippou said. My father was four when his 7 year old sister died. He remember her funeral and seeing her laying in the casket. My father asked his mom, "Mom why did you leave Johanna back there? Come on lets go get Johanna." And his mom replied, "We can't go get her, she is with God now." The funeral scene reminded me of that and I thought you wrote it beautifully.
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  • From brainshake on October 17, 2007
    A very beautiful story! Brought tears to my eyes several times. You had a really good story to tell, but it saddened me a little that the spelling was so bad. You should have a beta, or if you already have one, you should probably get a better one. This part made me almost choke; "...his menstruations along her neck..." I assume the word you were looking for was "ministrations".
    Maybe you don't speak English as your first language (I'm from Sweden myself), and that's understandable of course. Not everyone can spell. :) That's why we use betas.
    Please continue writing good fanfics. You've got talent! :)
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  • From 4inukag4 on February 15, 2007
    Wow... this took me two weeks to read. I'd get heartbroken and have to stop and then come back. Then I'd get pissed and have to stop and come back. I must say this was one of the greatest things I have ever read. You timed it perfectly and you did the right thing with Kagome and Rin's grave. I loved every minute. Fantastic work and I hope you decide to do something else in this vein soon.

    Thank you for a wonderful story

    Holly S
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  • From unknown001397 on February 14, 2007
    I'm sad to see it end. Good job! I really liked this story!
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  • From Noacat on February 11, 2007
    The email is noacat75@yahoo.com. And I'm gonna add again, I love this story. I really do.
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  • From AngelsWarmth on February 09, 2007
    I really enjoyed this romantic get together of theirs. Well I can't wait until the next chapter, thank you.
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  • From Hirakotsu on February 09, 2007
    that was so awesome you totally rock..
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  • From ANON - rowdygirl on December 05, 2006
    this is really good, very sweet. sometimes people can be such jerks! we don't always think about what comes out of our mouths, things that can linger in someone's head and cause them all kinds of pain. good work.
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  • From ANON - C'Asia on October 26, 2006
    please upate soon i will like to know what
    will happen next
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  • From ANON - lala_land on October 26, 2006
    awwww that was way way to sweet tht was amzionly good KEEP GOING!!
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  • From ANON - Noacat on October 26, 2006
    Love this chapter.

    Love it.

    One piece of advice...when describing a romantic scene NEVER...EVER...use the word orifice. If you're writing a down and dirty sex scene with extra smut...orifice fits in there really well. Also works for non-consentual. But for a died in the wool romance scene? Totally ruins the mood and pulls the reader right out of any involvement they might have had in the scene. Here's an alternate way to write the scene:

    A cool fall gust of air blew around them, their hair molding together as Sesshoumaru’s tongue slipped between his lips to seek Kagome’s mouth. A soft whimper escaped her lips as she readily accepted Sesshoumaru’s advances. His tongue ran gently along her teeth and soothingly caressing her tongue as if he were trying to memorize her heavenly taste. Another breeze came from another direction, sending the autumn colored leaves to dance around the couple as their loving kiss continued on.

    Now, I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. After all, this is YOUR story. I'm just giving you a bit of concrit and showing you a way to improve your piece, which is good and could be even better. In any event, good luck with the rest of the story. I will be reading. If you ever want to get advice or just shoot the shit, maybe even bitch me out for this review, give me an email. I don't mind in the least!

    See ya in the funny pages!

    Ciao

    Noa

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  • From ANON - kinkyneko33 on October 23, 2006
    this last chapter gave met he chills. this is such a great story! update soon!!
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  • From ANON - Tora Mizuki Sea on October 17, 2006
    u bitch u made me cry........waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...............thats so sad.........ur so mean.......................


    great story
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  • From ANON - wudelfin on October 14, 2006
    very well done, you should continue.
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  • From ANON - Semme on October 13, 2006
    I cried three f-ing times! THREE! This is the only story that made me cry three times. When Rin died, at Rin's funeral, and I don't know the other one. I don't like being able to put myself in the characters emotional state. It happens a lot. So I stick to the more happier stories.
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