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Reviews for Whatever will Be ...

By : sugar0o
  • From RogueMudblood on August 09, 2011

    Some technical things:

    I know this one is very old, but you've got a lot of typos. Some of my favorites were last slit seconds and Sesshomary

    You've also got quite a few comma splices. Ex:

    The tainted jewel the once hanyou had made the dog-boy go insane, she'd trusted him, had faith that there would be nothing that could separate them as Naraku had done with Inuyasha and Kikyo, how utterly wrong she was.

    Maybe consider a period after insane and Kikyo making it three separate sentences. It flows more easily when reading.

    The sentence regarding Tenssaiga is hard to follow. It's a little disjointed (at least to me). I understand what you're trying to say - that the process creates a bond between Sesshoumaru and the person he saves. I think clarity here may be improved by getting rid of the comma splicing.

    This sentence didn't quite seem to flow with the rest of its paragraph:

    From miles away at Keade's hut she could see the explosion on the abdomen of the demon spider Naraku, the aura that had been released with it, Kagome’s, a small smile played on her face as she prayed for the young miko. Miroku and Sango had almost been hit by the flying death of Kagome’s fury, had it not been for the hairs on the back of the monk’s neck standing up they would have been burnt to a crisp.

    It could just be me, but that just didn't seem to fit quite right.

    When Inuyasha is yelling at Kagome: he pleaded in a yelling demanding voice. That seems a bit repetitive to me. The demand is expressed by the exclamation point at the end of Inuyasha's question, as is the yelling.

    For content, I liked the plot. I thought that your expression of Kagome's powers was fairly well done. I liked the development of protective emotion from Sesshoumaru towards Kagome.

    I'm not quite certain you accomplished what you intended - your prologue (before the flashback) is never really tied back in to your story. The moment where Kagome attempts to kill Inuyasha has changed by the time your plot carries you there; she is a different person and her anger is not controlled by bloodlust as that juncture.

    I did like how you explored her familial relationship, and how you integrated the time travel, but I'm not quite certain that I like an all-powerful Kagome.

    Overall, it is an interesting idea, and I do thank you for sharing it! Like I said, I know this one's old, but I thought I should leave you some feedback.
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