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Reviews for Intermission-My Best Friend is Naraku

By : ladyfoxyred
  • From YomisQueen on June 30, 2007
    Oh forgot something, your sentences are way too choppy.

    “Naaaaraaakkkuuu!” he screams.
    “Gaarrraa!” I groan.

    Example there, just to show you what I mean and see what I'm referring to. You have no detail in the story. Just base action and dialogue. I believe in getting to the point but this is pushing it. It is completely rushed, I suggest reworking it and seriously adding some details and structure to this fic. There is really no way to tell what is going on besides Okay, two people are supposed to be fucking but it sounds like ex-boyfrien has jumped onto the pages. He climbed on, he thrust, he came. Also what is he thinking, feeling? We readers need to read these things so we can connect to the characters we are reading about. Just some advice!
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  • From YomisQueen on June 30, 2007
    I clicked on it because I like Naraku but I'll be honest with you. I couldn't bring myself to try to read. I'll just suggest this: SPACEBAR, SPACEBAR, AND PLEASE ENTER ENTER!!!! Everything is crammed together I can't tell where one thought or speech ends and the other starts. Makes it a hard to read that way.

    Also grammar and wording, here's a example just in chapter one:

    I start a steady pace. ~Groan~ *Moan* *Pant, Pant* I strike his prostrate.

    That sentence alone is a prime example. Use of the *action* wording is best kept to IM's in a chatroom dear. Screams to the readers that you couldn't take the time to actually write out the description. Would come off more better if you'd written out, I started out entering at a steady pace. I groaned as my breath came in steady pants while I stroked against his prostrate. That sentence itself is all rushed and has no detail to capture the readers attention. You need to slow down and put more time and effort into your work. Actually write things out so we know what is going on. Also do my browser a favor and use some space between them warnings in your summary. They are all bunched together and shouldn't be. You should have a space even after a comma.
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