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Fit For Dogs	By : Arianawray Category: InuYasha > Yaoi - Male/Male > InuYasha/Sessh?maru > InuYasha/Sessh?maru Views: 25002 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters, and I do not make any money from these writings.

Chapter List
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Barking Orders
Dear Woman Who Always Wears the Hideous Organic Cotton Floral-print Nighties,
Your dog has brought it to our attention that you have been feeding him a purely vegetarian diet. We don't know if you are totally evil or merely ignorant, but for the sake of all that is sacred in the canine universe, have some sense.
Dogs eat meat, okay? M – E – A – T. Never mind what those companies that manufacture vegetarian dog food say – your pooch needs to sink its teeth into some flesh, and it's starting to look hungrily at your chubby thighs.
If you want to stuff your belly with tofu, mushrooms, beans and greens, that's your prerogative. But trying to do the same to your dog is the most idiotic thing you could do. (I tried "going veg" with Kagome once and nearly fainted from hunger after two weeks.)
So stop trying to save the animals and save the earth and think about saving the actual animal living in your house right now, dammit.
Yours Meatily,
Chief Steak Consumer of The Dog Defence Force
****
Dear Man with the Bad Breath,
Your bitch has informed us that you have plans to mate it to a hideous dog for the express purpose of making puppies you can show and sell.
Dude, humans don't know shit about what makes a dog attractive, okay? Leave it to the dogs themselves to determine such matters.
Let your bitch choose, or we'll dog-nap her and let her pick her own boyfriend. How would you like to be told whom you're allowed to have sex with, you selfish creep? Hey, come to think of it, that's a great idea – here's the deal: if you allow this horrendous act of sanctioned rape to go ahead, we will abduct you and lock you in a spell-reinforced room with one of Ryukotsusei's nookie-deprived great-great-granddaughters for the next 100 years.
Trust us when we say that good looks and sanity do NOT run in that scaly family.
Yours Angrily,
Hottest Stud of The Dog Defence Force
****
Dear Stinky Schoolboy,
STOP USING YOUR DOBERMANN AS A MANNEQUIN.
He hates the stupid bikinis, sunglasses and nail polish, and thinks it is humiliating that you are putting the pictures you take of him dressed like that up on the Internet.
This is your only and final warning, before we pick you up in our clawed hands and stuff you into a corset, high heels and my mate's mother's lacy panties (you're two sizes bigger than her but the knickers WILL fit), tie you to the lamppost in front of your school on Seventh Street (yes, we know where you go to school), and leave you there till the bell rings in the morning so all your classmates can get a good look at you.
We'd love to see the pics and vids they'll post online.
Catch you later,
Superhero of The Dog Defence Force
****
Yo, Miss Airhead,
Your Chihuahua hates the stench of your handbag. It makes her want to pass out every time you put her in it. She says it stinks of stale make-up, traces of pepper spray, spilt perfume and the battery fluid that leaked from your ten-year-old Rampant Rabbit vibrator. Bloody hell, a mix like that probably smells worse than Naraku's toilet.
Listen, she doesn't mind being put into a handbag as much as she minds the smells. She suggests using the old black-leather one you put away two winters ago and never used again – apparently it doesn't stink so bad because you only ever used it on your pet-store runs.
Spare the little one's nose, okay?
Yours Sniffily,
The Brains and Nose of The Dog Defence Force
****
Dear Grandmotherly-type Lady with the Purple Shoes,
To answer the questions you ask your dog every day:
Yes, he knows he is the cutest poochie-woochie in the whole wide world.
No, he doesn't think you look fat in that yellow dress (although he's not absolutely certain that it isn't green, as he doesn't see colours the same way you do).
No, he doesn't mind eating lamb every Saturday, but he'd like beef more often if you can manage it.
Yes, he hates your perfume.
And yes, he ate the budgie. He wants you to know that he's really sorry and feels truly guilty about it now, but he couldn't resist at the time. He hopes you won't hold it against him, and so do we (those damn birds are so bloody tasty, you can't just leave them lying around and expect us not to gobble them up, you know).
Yours Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Dog Defence Force
****
Dear Person Who Constantly Smells of Hamburgers,
We do not normally issue communiqués on behalf of cats, but we are making a rare exception as the cat in question is a good friend of Buyo's, and an acquaintance of one of our fire-neko companions.
Your cat wants us to tell you that its true name, bestowed upon it by its parents, is He Who Sings To The Night Sky, and not "Kitchee-Kitten-Boy".
Please address it with the proper title and all due respect, or it will call for our buddy Kirara to visit you in her full-sized form.
Believe us, you won't like that.
Yours Sympathetically,
Cat Befriender of The Dog Defence Force
****
Memo to the Second-in-Command of the Dog Defence Force:
Stop terrorising the neighbourhood with semi-anonymous letters signed off with absurdly self-aggrandising titles and get your ass home now, before I bundle you into a parcel and mail you back down the well to the Feudal Era.
Don't think I can't track your whereabouts through the liberal use you are making of my platinum credit card.
Signed,
The Dog General
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Fit For Dogs