Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

M.I.A	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Kouga/Kagome Views: 4873 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
Trigger warning: infant death
Chapter 14
"I thought expecting fathers were supposed to be happy."
Expecting fathers were not supposed to be in this situation. He did not know whom he knocked up; he did not know the first thing about this pregnancy. She enjoyed rubbing its existence in his face, but except from that, he knew nothing else. He had been careful; he had done his best to prevent this but all of his efforts had been fruitless. Now, he no longer had the will to leave. Kouga was torn between leaving and fending for himself, or staying and attempting to protect his child from this hell. If he left, he was dooming the kid - his kid. How could he ever look himself in the eye, knowing he left his child behind? This was no life. This was no way to bring a life into the world either. He did not know what they even fucking did with the kids. Why were they trying so hard to get them to breed?
"Unchain me, then I'll be happy."
Her laughter echoed through the cave. "Funny. We both know the second I do that, you'll try to slice my throat." She loved teasing them, she loved reminding them that they were nothing more than animals, but she was always careful as to not be manipulated. Some had been fooled by these youkais, and they had paid the price with their lives. She would not make the same mistakes. They needed to do this, they needed to control these beasts if they wanted to survive. Youkais were nothing more than monsters who fed on humans and burned down villages. It was time for them to re-take the power. The only thing youkais had that they wanted was the power, but slowly, they would learn to harvest it, and they would be undefeated. It was coming.
"How about we make it a bet?" he spoke through gritted teeth. His heart was racing in his chest, his skin was numb from the coldness of the cave and his blood loss. He had to fight, he had to make it through. If he could have one opportunity, he would make the best of it. But first - first he had to learn which one had his child. He could not leave her behind.
"I don't bet with monsters."
"Which one is it?"
"Which what pet?"
He never talked this much - usually he kept to himself and he avoided her. She did not trust his chatterbox mouth; he was up to something.
He did not want to give her the power; he did not want her to know he cared. If she knew she had something on him, she would use it to make his life more miserable. He had told himself that he would only look out for his own wellbeing. He swore he would help no one else; he would get himself out and never look back. And now, the mere thought of a child, and he was saying chained up like a dog. What was wrong with him? He was nearly giving her all the power to control him. He could not let that happen.
"Which what pet," she repeated, this time insisting. Her fingers were already crazing the knife, ready to dominate him into obedience. She did not like to be overlooked and ignored. Alpha or not, even he had to break at some point - and she refused to let anyone else have her prize.
But all he gave her was pure silence. He could not give her a single inch, because she would use it to destroy him. As long as he remained himself, as long as he held on to the life he had before, he would not make it in here. He had to shed everything he had, everything he was or his sanity would slip him and she would use his weaknesses to destroy him. On some days, he craved for death but if he would die he would not die as a puppet, he would die as himself.
"You wanna know about your baby?" she teased.
He stayed silent. He could not give away emotions, he would not give her satisfaction.
"Don't talk pet, that's fine." Gently, the tip of her blade dug into his shoulder and she dragged it down, watching the blood spill with pure captivation. "You'll see it soon enough." It was the final piece, the one she had been looking for all this time.
-M-
The light of the sun was gently entering Kagome's bedroom, caressing her face while she was amid her slumber. She had fallen asleep her desk, surrounded by old books and scrolls. She had attempted to remain awake as long as possible, as she dug through all the history and information they had. She had not even gone through half of it. She read every line, decoded every possible hidden meaning, but so far, she had found nothing that might be able to help her. Kouga had added to his long list of betrayals, and he had clarified that she would not be rid of him. Because of that, she was left alone to fix the issue at hand. She could not take having him in her life, especially not if she wanted to survive and make it.
He was the reason for her spiralling down; he was her reason for her misery, and she would cut him out for good.
She opened her eyes despite how difficult it was to do so because of the brightness of the day. Her left cheek was glued to one of the books and it forced her to peel herself away from it. She rubbed her face awake with her palms, hoping it would do the trick. This had not been her best night - but she had not drank, which in itself was a victory. She had been terribly focused on her task at hand, and she had wanted to be sober to make it through it. Obviously, her state of mind had provided no help, since she did not have more answers.
Then again, what did she honestly expect? Did she think she would solve her issues within one day? This had been plaguing her for years now, and it there was a quick answer, he would know it too. This meant that she had to dedicate herself to finding the solution to her problem. There were probably more books hidden somewhere, and she had to find them. It stressed her to think she had to keep a level head for this, but she convinced herself that she could do it. Now that she knew that giving money to Kouga was a waste of time, there was another activity that she would cut from her curriculum. She was convinced that if she had sex with her boss one more time, she could never get rid of him.
It was best to keep some distance until things cooled down.
"Mama?"
And that was her cue that her free time was now over. She slammed the book closed and pushed herself into a standing position. "Mama's coming, pumpkin." Despite the lack of sleep, it was strange to not wake up with a woozy head. She often had a little shot of something before bed since it helped her keep the monsters at bay - it was not something she had needed last night. The old books had been boring enough on their own.
Kagome hurried and reached her son outside of her room. He had been waiting for her in front of the door, sitting down on his rear. "Mama?"
"Yes," she asked as she bent down to pick him up from the floor.
"Where is the man?"
"What man?"
"The one with the eyes like this," he said as he pointed to his own eyes.
The reminder they shared that pair of baby blues did nothing to ease the panic filling her chest. "He's gone." He was not gone - he would never be gone, apparently.
"Oh."
"Why, did he do something to you?" She did not want to think Kouga had reached that type of new low, but at this point, she was not putting anything past him.
He shook his head. "He was nice."
Nice? It was most likely the last adjective she would ever used to describe Kouga. Before? Yes. Now? Never again. He ruined life, and he wrecked chaos without giving a damn. At least he had not harmed her son, and that was the most important part for her.
"He come again?"
"No, pumpkin. Now how 'bout some food?"
"Eggs?"
"You want eggs?"
He nodded vigorously. "Then eggs it is."
She carefully went down the stairs with her son carefully tucked into her chest. She knew he was getting a little old to be carried around, but she remained protective of him. Kouga's new presence in their lives was not helping this feeling. He was the main danger as far as Haru was concerned. She would give up her life to protect him from that man. How did it turn out like this? Why did she have to meet him? Why did she have to trust him? Most of all, why did she think he had any kind of answers for her? She thought he had suffered, but he had found a way to live. She had been wrong; he had simply not found a way to die. That was not helping her, and it was not helping him.
If he wanted to die, that was fine by her, but he was not taking her son down with him.
-M-
Fucking sun.
It was so bright. He tried to put his hand in front of his face in a foolish attempt to shield his eyes from its brightness, but it did not work. In defeat, he let his arm drop to his side, hanging off the wooden bench he was lying on. The tips of his fingers were grazing the empty bottles that he had discarded beneath the bench, and he knew he didn't have much time before he had to leave. If anyone saw him drunk in a park, surrounded by booze, they would call the cops. To say that he did not have the patience to deal calmly with cops right now and he wasn't sure that getting in trouble was the best idea. It wasn't like he cared where he ended up, but in his current state… being behind bars?
It would be too much and he would do some things he could not take back.
Yes, it was best he left before he got himself in trouble.
Although, where was he supposed to go? She gave him the money he requested. It was enough money to leave, to go back to his own lonely life. He should have taken it and left. But no. He drank it. Again and again. But he had already admitted the truth out loud, hadn't he? He couldn't leave. He couldn't leave. After years away from her… the mating bond was pulling at him, always bringing him back to her and that fucking kid. He couldn't leave and he couldn't stay, so what the fuck was he supposed to do? Whatever happened between them, it was nothing; it meant nothing. The bite was a fucking mistake.
One he couldn't take away.
And that was all he wanted. He wanted to take that kid away, the mating away.
He wanted her to have her own life separate from him so he could have the same.
He was going crazy, his own body betraying him, wanting her. He should want to be far away from her, not close to her. She wasn't good for him, and he sure as fuck was no good for her. Plus, it was clear; she wouldn't let him keep coming back to her. So what the fuck was he supposed to do? He was fucking stuck. He couldn't leave, he couldn't stay… and now he had nowhere to go with no fucking money. His options were limited. He could end it all. That would be an option. This way, he wouldn't have to keep living this fucking nightmare and she would be free. But who the fuck was he kidding? He was too much of a coward. He had tried to do this before; he had never gone through with it. There was a reason he had turned to alcohol, and it wasn't just to numb it all. It was as close as he could get to slowly killing himself.
Kouga managed to sit up on the bench, his head swirling, his stomach flopping, and he ran his fingers through his greasy hair.
He would go crawling back, wasn't he?
-M-
Kagome resisted her urge to roll her eyes as she heard the doorbell ring. Someone coming to bother them this early couldn't be a good sign. What bill did they owe? Was it her annoying boss, still getting the wrong idea about them? She didn't have the energy to deal with any of it. What little strength she could manage, she was saving it for her son. Her love, her patience, her care; she saved it all for him, and it was barely enough. If she could barely maintain the appearance of a normal human for her own son, how was she supposed to do it with a stranger? She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, before dropping the stirring spoon down on the counter.
"I got it," she shouted to her mother was who dressing Haru upstairs.
Kagome had barely taken a few steps into the dining room that she saw his face staring at her through the glass sliding door. She stopped in her tracks, her fists clenching at her sides, her whole body trembling as she took in the sight in front of her. His clothes were tattered - although they were the same as the last time she saw him - and his face was covered in blood. She didn't know if it was better if it were his blood or someone else's. It was bad either way. His palms were flat against the glass, his head resting against it. There was no mistaken it; he had been drinking. Then again, the real question was… when wasn't he drinking?
She wanted to scream at him; she wanted to chase him away forever. He had promised. More than once. Yet, he kept coming back; he kept hunting her and she couldn't get rid of him. She was trying - she wanted nothing more. Rage build up inside of her, forcing tears to form in her eyes. How was she supposed to escape this nightmare? He was everywhere she was. She could walk away, she could let him stay outside. She could call the cops. They would come and take him away, but… but she wasn't sure it would end well. She had seen his bits of fits and rage, and it couldn't possibly be safe for simple humans to handle him. She would put their lives at risk.
No, it would seem that she was utterly stuck. The only one who even had a chance at handling him… was her. He was her responsibility.
Even though her body was trembling, even though it was screaming at her to not open that door, she marched in his direction. If her heart beat any faster, it might break out of her chest, but she ignored it. She had walked away so many times, even though the stupid useless bond that tied them together begged her not to - could she do it again? If she opened that door, if she let him, did she stand a chance? She had yet to find a way to break the mating bond that united them against both their wills. She was running out of time. Still, despite all that, she opened the door, sliding it open and removing the only barrier that stood between them.
"You're still here," she said when he made no motion to speak first.
"I can't go," he croaked out.
"I'm trying to break it."
"Break what?"
"The mating bond."
"If I could break it, I would have done it a long time ago."
His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was greasy and even his usual tan skin was nowhere to be found, leaving an ashy grey colour behind instead. He didn't look like Kouga. "Maybe a youkai can't do it. Maybe a miko can."
He couldn't argue with that. It wasn't like he had a repertoire of Miko to consult, although he was convinced she was setting herself up for disappointment. It didn't concern him. If she wanted to keep on hoping, even though life had thrown nothing good her way, that was prerogative. He wouldn't stand here and encourage her idiotic behaviours. It wasn't why he was here, anyway. He was here because he had no other options. She had to know it. She had to have expected him to come here. He had told her that he couldn't leave. He had nowhere else to go.
"I can't go."
"You told me that already." She knew there was more meaning behind his words than what he was saying, but she was ignoring it. She didn't want it to come to that. She didn't want him more in his life than he was already. This was too much. And Haru? She needed to keep him away from her son. How was she supposed to do that now? How could she protect the one thing she cared about when he wouldn't leave them alone? "You can't be here," she whispered.
"Because of that kid?"
"Because of my son."
He scoffed. "Don't worry, I ain't here to claim it."
She wanted to scream at him, tell him that her son wasn't an it, but she knew that she would be wasting her breath. Plus, the less interest he had in Haru, the better. It would make it easier to keep them apart, which was her goal. "I don't know what you think I can do for you."
"I need somewhere to stay."
She didn't know if she should be laughing or crying. "And you think I'll let you stay here?"
"I want this to be over as much as you do. Isn't it simpler if I'm here when you find how to undo this bullshit?"
She didn't know if he was trying to lie to her or himself. They both knew how bad it was for them to be near each other. He walked back into her life after years, and she fell prey to him within mere moments. The closer he was, the worse she felt. His presence only brought her more misery, and she didn't want that to have an impact on her son as well. She had to protect him, no matter the cost - but - but he wasn't going away. She tried, she begged, she got him money and none of that made him go away. No matter what she did, he was stuck here.
"You can't be in the house. Not when Haru is here."
"You want me to sleep on that bench by the tree?" he asked sarcastically.
"We have a shed," she settled on answering. "I can get you a cot, I'll bring food and - when Haru is not home, you can… shower." It was more than she wanted to do, more than she should even do in the first place. She should send him packing, tell him to figure out for himself and hope one day, his life would end and take their bond away with him. But she couldn't say those words. Why couldn't she take on the pain? It would protect her son. Was she truly so weak that she couldn't do this? She was. "I'm sure it's better than most places you've lived."
She didn't even have a clue. "Fine by me. I don't wanna see him."
"And I don't want him to see you. So it's a win-win. It's over there by the back. I'll have my mom watch him and I'll bring you a few things. Keep to yourself."
"Don't worry, that's how I want it."
If he had kept to himself in the first place, if he had turned her around when he saw her… he wouldn't be here and he wouldn't be in this fucking mess. She had been too unexpected, too much of a surprise for him to have any kind of control. And no matter how many times he had tried to send her away, she had stayed. Well, now he was the one staying and fucking up her life. It only seemed fair, no? At least, that was what he would keep telling himself until they could figure this shit out.
One day.
-M-
"Sorry love, it seems your son was just not as strong as his dad."
He could feel his ears twitching, but he refused to let her know that she had gotten his attention. Despite the few requests he had made in the past, she hadn't given any information. He didn't know who bore him a son. He didn't know actually that it was a son. He was finding it all out right now. A son. He had a son.
"I thought you'd like to know, but it seems you don't care he's dead. Then again, you never met him."
He felt a stab in his chest, a squeeze of his heart as the rage inside of him expanded and rose to a new level. Now he understood why she was telling him; it was to hurt him some more, to try to break him further. He should have known she wouldn't voluntarily give information without having an ulterior motive. He knew her better than this. But she was right. He never met the kid. And if anyone was to ask him, it was best to be dead than to live this kind of life. He always thought he would be a father, but he knew thought it would be like this. He didn't want a kid in this shit world. He didn't want to meet him; he didn't want him to live. That kid was better off dead, anyway.
"Too bad, I had brought him over for you to meet him."
This time, he could not keep a stoic expression. His head shot up and he looked through the bars of his cage, seeing her hold something that was covered in a blanket. It was hard to miss all the blood that was soaking through the white fabric, and she had no intention to hide that it had been a painful death.
"We tried to use him but, he just wasn't that tough."
He felt the tears of rage that pooled in his eyes. They could experiment on him as much as they wanted, they could use him as much as they wanted, but they were stooping so low? He thought they would use the children to raise them and train them… not to use them as body parts and testing subjects. The bile rose up in his throat and he couldn't help himself; he gagged. The stench of blood and death was overwhelming, and he knew it was all coming from his son. Maybe it wasn't his son. Maybe he didn't produce any, or maybe he did, but they were out there somewhere suffering. After all, when had she ever told him the truth? This might all be a tactic to make him docile, to break him. It didn't mean it was real.
"He has your eyes," she said, looking down at the dead babe in her arms. "I can hold them open for you if you want." She smiled at him. "That way, you could see if he looked like daddy or not."
It all happened in the span of a second. He meant to keep his calm; he didn't want her to know she could still get to him, but he snapped. In a flash, he was baring his fangs at the bars, his eyes bleeding red as he dreamed of shredding her to pieces. She had done a lot to him, and it no longer triggered a reaction, but this did. He had weaknesses left, weaknesses that she could use to manipulate him. He fucking hated her for it. He didn't even know when he made that fucking kid, with whom. He didn't know that kid. Why did it make him so fucking mad? The kid was dead. That should be the end of it. Yet, there was a hollowness in his chest, a craving to hold it, to love it.
Something he could never do.
He heard her laugh as she pulled away from his confinement. "See, I was going to be nice. But if you will not be nice, then you can't see it. Don't worry, I'll make sure he gets thrown in the pile of trash nicely. Or do you rather we burn him? You know what, I'll let them decide. That way, you can wonder forever." She leaned forward, not enough so that he could reach her, but enough to look into his eyes. "Don't forget pet, I own you. And now I own your son. Not that there is much to own… what a waste of a first-born son."
Kouga was gripping at the bar, trying to break them apart, wondering why he couldn't do it when he could have before. Whatever they had found to contain him, it wasn't human. They weren't human. He didn't care what they claimed to be. They were saying youkais were the monsters.
They were wrong.
-M-
He woke up, drenched in sweat, the memories so vivid in his head, it was like they had taken place a moment ago. He couldn't catch his breath. Something constricted his chest as he felt the tears drying on his cheeks. Fuck. He sat up in a snap, burying his face in his hands, trying to forget the images that were flashing through his head. This was why he didn't want to be anywhere near that fucking kid. It couldn't bring anything good. And why the fuck was there no alcohol in this goddamn fucking shed? What the fuck was he supposed to do?
Kouga punched the ground, breaking a few wooden slates as he did so. His wet hair was clinging to his neck as he decided that he wanted some fresh air. If he couldn't have some alcohol, he needed something other than being trapped between four fucking walls. He never wanted that kind of nightmare again. He opened the door of the shed, peaking through the darkness as only the glow of the moon was providing any kind of light. Not that he needed much of it to see anything, but still. Kagome had brought him what he needed to sleep, he didn't need much more than that.
Although, now he realized that alcohol was missing to this little pity party. He shoved his hands in his pocket and began walking around in the empty space, allowing the wind to dry off the sweat that coated his skin. A bundle of blankets; it was all he had seen and now he couldn't get the fucking picture out of his head. Fucking useless.
"I find this helps."
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard her voice. Where the fuck had she come from? He hadn't heard her; he hadn't sensed her… he knew she couldn't hide her presence or she would have done it a long time ago. Fuck. He was slowly losing it; he was sure of it.
Kouga gulped hard before he gazed at her hand, seeing a bottle of scotch dangling from her fingers. It was half empty, the golden liquid swishing around as she presented it to him. "Take it, you probably need it more than I do," she said as she pushed it into his chest.
She didn't sleep much - ever. She slept even less now that she knew he was right there, right next to her. She had been in her son's room, watching him sleep, when she had seen Kouga walking about. She was familiar with the insomnia and she didn't want him causing any trouble or doing anything that might wake up Haru. If there was one thing she knew was that Kouga's best friend was alcohol. And that would never change. It would probably be expensive to keep the both of them fed on their addictions, but one thing was certain; he needed it a lot more than she did.
He didn't need to be offered a third time. He took the bottle from her grip, removed the cap and brought it to his lips. It burned on its way down and it was exactly the feeling he had been looking for; he had been sober a little too long and his thoughts were getting the best of him. Usually, if he could get himself to pass out hard with alcohol, he could avoid the nightmares that plagued him since the dawn of time.
"Can't sleep?"
"Can't stop fucking thinking."
"I stayed up to look at more scrolls, I haven't found anything."
"Surprise, surprise," he replied sarcastically.
"At least I'm trying to do something about this fucking mess."
"Maybe you should have tried a couple of years ago."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I mean what the fuck were you thinking having the fucking kid. He would have been better off if you never let it be born."
"Don't talk about my son this way. You don't know what it's like to be a parent, you don't know any of it."
"You think he's my first kid?" he said, a bad taste in his mouth. White blanket. A white blanket covered in blood. Blue eyes like him - eyes he never saw. A voice he never heard. A face he never looked at.
This was one topic he never talked about - that and his past. She knew something truly horrific had happened to him, but she didn't know what it was and he had even been too keen on sharing. She had gone along with it because she would never force him to talk about something that changed who he was to his core. Whatever it was that happened, it shredded the old Kouga to pieces, and it left this ghost of him in its place. But now, he was the one bringing it up, the one tangling her kid up in his messed up past.
"And what did you do with those? Did you abandon them too?" she spat out. "Did you wish them dead too? If you don't want kids so badly, why do you keep making them?" She didn't do that child alone. He couldn't put all the fucking blame on her. And she wouldn't allow him to say that he was a mistake.
He felt it. His self control. It snapped. Next thing he knew, his hand was wrapped around her neck, pushing her in the nearby fence. His grip wasn't strong enough to cut off her air, but it was enough to keep her in place. "Don't talk about shit you don't know," he warned.
"You're the one who keeps bring up how much of a mistake he is," she retorted, defying him.
"I don't want any kids."
"Then why do you have so much?"
"I didn't fucking ask for them okay. You think I want to have fucking kids. You think I wanted to watch them die? I FUCKING DIDN'T. If it were up to me, I would have died in that fucking cell. You think I wanted to see the little corpse? You think I wanted to be bred like a fucking animal in captivity? How about next time, you shut your fucking mouth and you keep your stupid opinions to yourself?"
He watched her eyes widen, and suddenly, he wanted to take back all the words he had just said. Fuck. Why couldn't she leave him be? Why did she constantly have to push all of his fucking buttons? She didn't know when to stop. He let his fingers loosen, removing his hand from around her neck, watching as she backed further away from him. She could have easily pushed him away, she could have zapped him so that he would have let go of her sooner, but she didn't. She had wanted a reaction out of him.
Well, she had gotten her wish.
"I'm keeping this," he said as she lifted the bottle into the air. Fuck the fresh air.
Kagome stood there, her legs feeling weak as she watched him walk away. Her heart was sinking into her stomach as his words kept playing over and over in her mind. She thought she wanted to know what had happened to him.
Now she wasn't so sure.
-M-
- 13
- 14
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M.I.A