Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Enamored	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Kouga/Kagome Views: 13037 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, and I do not make any money from these writings

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
A/N: No excuse. Just real life. And work and. Yea. No excuse.
Although kudos to you guys for sticking with me. I really do appreciate it and even if I apologize a million times, it still won't be enough. Although, my promise still stands. All stories will be completed. It's the least I can do.
Enamored
Chapter 15: Pain is everything
Waves of heat bubbled in his chest as he let the warm feeling of her lips caress his own. If he had to pick a moment to die, if he only had but mere moments, he would want this to be his last memory. She tasted sweet, like a fruit, while her tiny body trembled beneath his ministrations. He wanted more, he wanted it all. And yet, he was afraid. Every time he got near her, she acted like a scared deer and ran away. She pushed him away for a man who did not love her - not like he did. Although, despite all that it was him she was kissing and not Inuyasha. She was returning his feelings, she was letting him be close to her. And he was probably going to screw it up.
Kagome could heard nothing more than her own heartbeat echoing inside of her head. He was fire, he was the strong smell of the forest and it was dizzying. She had never kissed before, she had never been this close to someone. She could fee the heat burning her cheeks while a strange fire was lite inside of her loins. She should move away - she should push him. She loved Inuyasha. That was the truth fact - the one she held on to… the one that made her fight for him, fight for his survival. Her bottom lip trembled against his, and then, she forced herself away.
What she did not expect was the look in his eyes.
She did not think she would have to look at him, she did not think she would see the light burning in his pale blue eyes.
It did not matter that she stopped the kiss, it did not matter that she was taking his moment from him.
He looked at her like she was the world. He looked at her like he was going to die if he could not have her anymore.
And for a second, her heart split.
He did not know her - well they had gotten closer - but he did not know her. How could he feel so much for her? How could there be more in his eyes than in Inuyasha's? It made no sense. How could she mean so much to him?
He refused to pull away, he refused to create a rift between them. She had not pushed him away; she had simply moved her delicious lips away from his. He was waiting for her to babble, to panic but she did not do any of those things. Instead she stared at him intensively and he refused to break the gaze. Instead, he took it all in; the pink cheeks, the swollen lips and the glow in her eyes. All of it was there because he had kissed her. All of it was present because of him and no one else. It made his chest swell with pride; he could please her, he could make her happy. She simply needed to give him a chance. She was the strength he found in the darkness, the one good thing that kept him going. Now, all he wanted was revenge; revenge for his people. Kagome kept him sane, she kept him - himself.
He saw her lips parted and he knew whatever she had to say would shatter the fantasy he had created for himself. He gently lifted his fingers and pressed them to her lips.
"I know."
She frowned but he simply shook his head, feeling the moistness of her lips against his digits - how he wished he could kiss her again. "Don't say it."
Her heart broke and she felt the tears puddle in her eyes. She knew how he felt about her, she knew what he went through recently. It was why she had not wanted to hurt his feelings, why she had not wanted to kiss him. And yet she had, so why was that? Why had she kissed him back? There was a storm in her heart, there was a need she did not understand. She thought her feelings were clear, that her thoughts and emotions were set. She loved Inuyasha. She could not possibly have feelings for two people at the same time. Inuyasha did. But she was not him. She was not going to hurt anyone - and Kouga had his share of pain already. No, her feelings for him were nothing more than those of a friendship.
And yet her heart ached.
She turned her head to the side, brushing her lips and face away from his fingers. She could not bear to look at him because she did not know what response to give him. She would lie if she said she felt nothing but she would also lie if she said she wanted this. The truth was, she knew nothing.
"We should get out."
A shiver traveled her body and he nodded. He wanted to keep her there, he wanted to grab her and kiss her again. He knew she felt something and maybe if he could kiss her over and over again, she would finally stop wasting her time and emotions on someone as useless as Inuyasha. But he could not do that, not to her. He had tried the forceful way but it was not a good way with Kagome. He almost wanted to chuckle at the memory of the slap she had given him. He finally moved his body away from hers, allowing her to grip the edge of the river bed. He watched carefully as she struggled to herself out of the water, her strength still not what it used to be. He wanted to help but he did not trust himself. If he touched her, he would not let her go.
He needed her, he loved her.
He had poured his love out, he had desperately shown how much he needed her but she still walked away from him.
It did not matter what he did.
She always left.
-E-
"Is he mad?"
The words startled Ginta, causing him to nearly drop the bucket of water he had been transporting. He came to a halt, his eyebrows raised as he made eye contact with Kagome.
"Who?"
She tilted her head to the side, nearly rolling her eyes. "Kouga."
"Why would he be mad?"
She did not mean to ask. Actually, she knew it was probably best if she did not, but she could not help. She was worried. He had been in a fragile state - the point of the bath had been to calm him and relax him. She had a feeling that quite the opposite had happened. What if he reversed back to the state of rage he had earlier? What if he forgot about logic and reason and did something that would get him kill? How could she not worry? Especially since this was her fault.
"I - " He had not told them. That or Ginta was a good liar. He genuinely looked confused by her question.
He had noticed that something was strange with the two of them. They returned in silence and they each went their own way. Of course, Ginta knew better than to ask Kouga about things he did not wish to speak about. As tempting as it had been, he had simply left him to be. He did not expect that Kagome would be the one to provide answers about this new mystery.
"I don't know."
Or no answers.
"Is he okay?"
Maybe that was a better question to ask - one he could answer.
"He's stressed." Kouga wanted to trust Kei, and he also wanted to revenge their people. He had to act but he had to be careful. Although he could tell his alpha wanted to be wreckless, he wanted to find Naraku and rip his throat out no matter the cost. He needed Kagome as his strength.
"Where is he?"
"Talking with Kei."
She nodded. That was probably best. Although, she could offer more insight on Naraku - then again, her presence was probably not needed or wanted at the moment.
"Kagome?"
She snapped out of her thoughts and lifted her head to meet Ginta's gaze. "Yes?"
He sighed before running his fingers through his hair. He did not want to mess it up for Kouga but he also could not let Kagome mop around like this. She was a sister to him and her feelings and well being mattered to him. "No matter, Kouga could never be angry with ya." He shook his head. "He loves ya."
She knew - he had proclaimed it, he had shown it. He had done it all. He was not betraying anyone and he was not sharing new information. But perhaps she did need to hear it from someone else.
"He doesn't know me."
"He knows you."
He fell in love with her because she could see shards. And then - and then for more than that. She was useless at the moment. She had not been able to detect any shards in forever - and… and he took care of her. When was the last time he even talked about shards?
"I - I love Inuyasha." At this point it almost sounded rehearsed. How many times had she said it?
"Where is Inuyasha?" He let the judgement drip from his words. He did not mean to hurt her but - she had to see the better option. She had to know Kouga was better for her. He did not have as much hatred towards Inuyasha as Kouga did, but - he still did not think he was good enough for his sis.
And there was nothing she could say to that. Because the person who was there for her from the beginning was Kouga. He had not let her down and he had given everything up to help her. Shame filled her and she could no longer stand to look at Ginta so instead, she stared back down at the floor. She felt trapped; like an animal cornered. What was she supposed to do?
"If you need anything, we're all right outside."
She nodded, her eyes never meeting his. She heard his footsteps echo against the ground as he walked away from her. Progressively, the surroundings became quieter until he was completely gone. Then, she raised her head and looked at the emptiness around her. A lost girl away from home and she had no one and nothing. Her friends came, they fought for her but she sent them away. Kouga came for her and she sent him away as well. Instead, she was waiting on someone who - was not there. Someone who never came for her. The emotions bubbled inside of her and before she could stop herself, she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. Her chest swelled, her lungs filled and for a second she was convinced she forgot how to breathe.
All the pain, all the rage and all the disappointment slipped out of her in the form of uncontrollable sobs. She wished to be quiet, she wished to keep her emotions to herself and away from prying ears but she could not. Everything she had kept bottled up inside was slipping out of her and she needed it out. She crumbled to the ground, her heart shattering, her body feeling like it was breaking down. Her mixed feelings, the pain from her attack, the rage from what Naraku did; all of it was taking control of her. Her face was pressed against the cold ground and it felt amazing against her heated cheek. Her sobs were louder, her tears were spilling and it finally felt like a weight was being lifted off of her chest.
And then she felt it. Warm hands on her waist. She did not even have to look to know who they belonged to - it was him. She let him pick her up, she let him move her around like she was a lifeless rag doll. Her pressed her chest into his warm chest. She should push herself away, she should not encourage the feelings he had for her - and yet he was there. She collapsed upon him, words unable to form out of her mouth. She felt him stroke her hair, comforting her. Although it did not stop the tears; it only made it worse. Why did she trust him so much? He had taken away her first kiss and now, she was melting against his embrace, taking from him everything he had to give her.
She was selfish.
Kouga did not know why she was crying. He had considered not coming, especially since he was convinced he was responsible for the tears but - he had not been able to stop himself. How could he leave her all alone when she was crying? He could feel her pain in his own heart. He figured the best solution was to come, and if she did not desire for him to be near her, he would leave. She had yet to push him away. He would take every moment, every touch and every instant he could have with her.
He would be everything for her even if he was nothing to her.
-E-
His breathing was quiet - nothing more than a mere whisper in the quietness of the night. But she knew he was awake. He had slept by her side many times since she had gotten injured and she had learned to recognize subtle things about him. Like his breathing. He had stayed with her until her tears had died down and then - even then, he had not moved. Instead, he had remained by her side. He did not ask any questions, he did not try to get any answers out of her. He allowed her to calm down n the safety of his arms. She should say something, even if it was only to show her gratitude for everything he had done for her. Unfortunately, the words were stuck in her throat - she did not know where to begin.
Should she say thank you or should she say sorry?
Sorry was probably a safer option.
"I'm sorry," she croaked out. Her voice was raspy from her tears but the words were understandable.
His ears perked up and he opened his eyes to stare at the back of her head. She had chosen to lie beside him, their bodies barely touching. He had decided that it was best to let her find whatever position was most comfortable for her.
"Ain't gotta be sorry."
He did not want her to say she was sorry for kissing him. He did not want that moment to be a mistake. He wanted that moment to be a turning point. He wanted it to be the moment she realized Inuyasha was not everything she made him out to be. He wanted to let his nature take over and force her to see that he was the right choice for her and that nobody would love her like he loved her.
But she was different and she was human. He had to keep everything he was in check if he wanted to have hope.
He acted as though it did not matter, as if she could do no wrong. She could; she had hurt him by walking away. She had dragged him into the water, she had initiated the whole moment that led to the kiss. He had to hold her responsible. She wanted to be responsible. She needed something to ease away the guilt that was filling her. She pushed herself up by pushing her palm against the fur she was laying on. Despite her shyness and the shame that filled her, she forced herself to make eye contact with him.
"You have to be mad."
"No, I don't."
"Why?"
She wanted him to be mad at her? Because…?
He leaned in closer, almost expecting her to back away but she did not. She stared at him like she was challenging him and there was a part of him that wanted to take her up on that challenge. Instead, he took a deep breath in an effort to control the emotions inside of him. "Why should I be mad? You ain't done nothing."
"But, I…"
She… what? She did not know what to say. Actually, she knew what to say, but she did not know if she had the courage to speak those words. She might want to act like she was confident. She had to say it. "I walked away."
His eyes narrowed. "Walked away from what?"
He was making her say it. He was forcing her to put words onto her feelings. She did not want to - she was better at avoiding it than dealing with it. It was something she had learned from Inuyasha. They did not talk about anything. She got mad, he got mad. And then they did not talk about what they felt. Is that - it was why she expected him to be angry? Because that was Inuyasha's reaction when she did something he was not pleased with - and now she was conditioned to expect this kind of reaction out of everyone? That was not good. Because now that she was staring at Kouga, she saw no anger directed at her. And he was just as hot headed as Inuyasha was. But he had a better control on his emotions.
"Nothing, I'm sorry." She grouped him with Inuyasha. She expected him to be the same kind of person he was - but he was not. And now, she felt even more guilty.
Had she let herself spiral into something that was not good for her? Had Kouga been right? She should not expect a fight everything a feeling or a situation rose. She had a temper herself, but she could usually control her temper around everyone but Inuyasha. Maybe they were a bad presence for each other. Maybe they were not compatible. Maybe it was why they fought so much and why it hurt so much.
"Stop saying you're sorry."
Her face had twisted into an expression he did not recognize and for a second it felt like it was not about him. But he did not want her to think about someone else, not when she was with him like this.
And why would she not say the words? Why was she bringing it up and avoiding it at the same time?
"Why did you?"
She held her breath.
He dared to lift a hand and press it to her cheek. He almost expected her to pull away from him but she did not. He wanted her to lean into his palm, he wanted to caress the soft skin of her cheek with his thumb but none of that was possible. Instead, he kept his hand still and simply enjoyed the warmth coming from her. Her skin was a bit sticky - the left over of her tears. He wished she would never cry again, he wished he would never have to see her face distorted in pain again. If it were up to him, he would take it all away. All the pain, all the suffering. He already carried so much. He could carry hers as well.
"I don't know."
"Why do ya think I should be mad?"
"I don't." Not really. She was confused, just confused. And his hand was warm, so warm.
There was something she was not telling him, something she was keeping from him and he could not put his finger on it. He would not force her to share this, but he needed to talk about other things.
"You kissed me back."
Immediately, she flustered and if it were not for the way he was holding her gaze, she might have looked away. "I- I I don't know." She knew she did. She did not know why.
"Is he so much better?"
Inuyasha, always Inuyasha.
"You're different." It was the only truth she could say. "I - didn't choose to fall in love with him."
"Why did you?"
"He needed me." He was all alone. He was hot headed and he was quick to lash out but - sometimes, when he let his guard down… he was another person. He was just scared and hurt and from what she had gathered so far, his life had been far from easy. He never had anyone. He did not know how to have someone by his side. She had wanted to show him that it was not a bad thing.
Then again, he did have Kikyo. He had no problem giving it all up - including his life - for her sake. Did he really need her?
"I need you."
Those were the same words he had pronounced before kissing her, the same words that had sent her heart into a whirlwind.
He decided to use his speed to his advantage. Before Kagome could even inhale, he shifted their position. Suddenly, she was laying on her back, sprawled across the furs while he laid half on top of her, half on his side. "I can give you everything."
"I- I can't control my feelings Kouga."
"You feel something."
He did not want to snap, he did not want to push her away but his pain was greater than his control. "Ya felt something."
He was vulnerable, baring it all for her to see. There was no hiding of his feelings, avoiding discussions; he was doing it all in the open. It was different from what she was used to and again, it was not a bad thing. It was simply different.
Kouga let one of his hands travel to her waist, gently squeezing the skin. If she tried to pull away, he would let her. He did not want her to associate his touch with a bad feeling. But she did not move. She stiffened slightly but she stayed in place. She smelled good. She smelled like him. Ever since her injury, she had been surrounded by his scent; his den, his furs, his body. His scent had soaked through her skin so much that it would remain for weeks - even if she bathed. But he did not want his scent to go away from her skin. He wanted it to linger for eternity. He wanted to be able to lay like this forever. When he looked at her, he forgot the pain of loss, he forgot the rage that stormed through his heart.
"I need you," he repeated.
And her heart shattered like it did the first time.
"I don't want to hurt you," she whispered softly.
"Then don't."
If only it were that simple. And yet, as he closed the distance between them, she made no move and gave no indication that she was going to move out of the way. His face came quite close to hers and for a moment, she thought he was going to kiss her. But he did not. Instead, his nose found its way to her neck, and he pressed the tip of it along the column of her throat. Gently, he nuzzled her, breathing in their mixed scents, forging a memory of it that would last a lifetime. Although her heart was racing, she did not seem displeased by his closeness. She remained there, like a statue. Was she nervous or did she simply not know how to tell him to move away?
"Push me away."
"W-what?" she inquired, startled by his sudden request.
"Push me away or I'll kiss ya again."
It was meant to be like a sort of threat but she did not quite know if she wanted to stop him. She stared into his eyes, losing herself in their deep color and she took a deep breath. Was she going to push him away or was she going to stay?
Moments ticked away, beads of sweat dripped down her neck and she was dumbfounded. What was she supposed to do? Surely the right answer was to push him away…
Her decision making process was too long and Kouga ended up making the decision for her. Warm lips found their way to her neck and before she knew it, he was peppering her throat with kisses. She wished to retain her composure but it was more than her body could handle. It molded against him as he made his way to her jaw. His mouth was demanding, memorizing every line of her, every aspect of her scent as he kissed his way to her lips. For the second time, he claimed them as his own as his mouth merged with hers. Her kisses were saltier than earlier but he demanded more. She found herself struggling for breaths as he demanded everything she had. A cloud of confusion formed in her head and she could not decided if she wanted more or less.
Her body was responding in ways she never expected, in ways it never had. Then again, she had never been kissed like this. She had never been kissed by anyone but him.
His hand traveled higher on her waist and he stopped when he reached the top of it - right beneath her breast. He could feel her large breasts straining against the soft fabric of her kimono and he could only picture the sight that laid beneath the clothing - firm breasts, hard nipples. Everything he wanted to touch, everything he wanted to kiss.
As Kouga sucked on her bottom lip, she felt a weakness in her legs. A fire spread in her loins and against her control, she moaned. Her absorbed the sweet sound with his lips while a sense of pride filled his chest. He had pleased her, he had caused her to lose herself into the moment. She could no longer lie, she could no longer walk away and say she felt nothing.
"I can love you more," he whispered against her lips.
She found herself leaning in, missing the warmth and the new feelings he had just shown her. Kagome's entire body was on fire and she could not explain nor control it. She wanted to breathe, she wanted to calm herself but his hands were leaving a trail of fire behind and she did not know how to handle it. If she could think, if she was not this dizzy with this unknown feeling perhaps she could process everything that was happening but she could do.
"I ain't asking you to love me." He was. He wanted her to love him. But she was not there. She still lingered in a past that was not worth it. But he could not tell her that. "Gimme a chance."
A chance? A try?
"Wha-t if I ca-n't?" She could not hurt him, she could not bear that guilt.
"Then I'll know."
If she never let herself forget Inuyasha, he would never have a chance. He knew he could make her see he was the better choice. She simply needed to allow him to prove it to her.
She did not want to say yes and a part of her did not want to say no either. If she said yes, she would fuel hopes that she did not want to fuel. He put her on a pedestal, he did not know her. He would probably much prefer another wolf girl. He did not know the first thing about her. He did not know that she came from another time and that her home was on the other side of the well. She lived somewhere he could not follow. This was not her world, this was not her time. She was here to help, she was here to fix what she had broken but - she could not stay here. He said wolves mated forever. Even if she had wanted to give him a forever, she could not.
He lost a lot of people they were very important to him. He did not need another loss.
She could not promise to love him, she could not promise to stay.
But - but she did not want to go.
He pressed his warm forehead to hers and landed a soft kiss on the top of her nose. His hand dared a little higher, brushing the underside of her breast and sending jolts of electricity through her. She should want to slap his hand away and yet he was not. There was a tingle left behind on her skin everywhere his lips had been. She could try to kiss him back again, she could try to see if it turned her world upside down. But what if it did not? Would it take it as a sign of surrender?
Her lips trembled, her entire body shook like she had no control over it - and at this point she was not convinced she did. She dare to brush up her lips against his as though she was testing the feeling. He remained still like a statue, afraid to scare her away. After a moment, she finally pressed her lips to his, slowly learning how to kiss him. Her lips moved slowly at first, and then she tried to imitate his past motion. She shyly sucked on his lips, she tried to open her mouth - and she accidentally let her tongue slid across the seam of his mouth.
And it was all he needed for his own control to slip.
He meant to be slow. He meant to be more human for her. But he was not.
He captured her mouth before wrapping his body around hers. She responded, molding and melting against him as he enveloped her with his sturdy body. He took advantage of her open mouth and slipped his tongue inside. "I need you," he whispered.
She was needed, and he was telling her she was.
She was not being overlooked. She was not being treated as though she came in second.
He was making her be his everything.
She should back away. She should let him go.
"I'll t-try."
The words slipped her.
-E-
- 14
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- 16
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