Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

The Pain In My Heart	By : christabel Category: InuYasha > General > DarkFic Views: 5715 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N: I'm sorry for it being so loooong since I last updated this story. Thesis happened. And life. I also didn't write fanfiction for a while, well I haven't written much about any fiction this year. This came out rather quickly, and I hope the next two chapter's will come out rather quick. Part of next chapter is actually something I cut out of this one as I started to become way too long. This one also decided to become rather difficult in the writing stage as I almost lost this whole chapter when my USB drive decided to go nasty on me. But it's finally her and I'm happy that it is. Hope you enjoy!
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Even healed, Inuyasha flitted in and out of consciousness for the next three days. When conscious, he wasn't exactly lucid. He was semi-conscious at best. However, one thing was painfully clear: Inuyasha had blocked the events of his self-mutilation from his mind. What was more unsettling was that he had had also seemingly banished the memory of the rape from his mind. He didn't even remember having been attacked at all. That the memory of Naraku raping him had been buried deep in his mind was a small comfort as it stopped the nightmares. Albeit it was unclear if Inuyasha even dreamed at all between his short spells of consciousness. Neither Kagome nor Sesshoumaru, the old youkai healer Kaoru, couldn't tell. If an indication of a nightmare, as it had been in the past with the ailing hanyou, was physical thrashing and shouting, he was having no nightmares at present.

Yet the almost eerie quietude into which he lapsed while unconscious now, was not a big improvement.

It unnerved especially Kagome in a way she couldn't explain, not even to herself. During her acquaintance with Inuyasha she'd never witnessed him being a mobile sleeper. The way the girl had seen the hanyou sleep most often had been sitting up, holding onto Tessaiga. Either by a fire or in a hut, sitting still but alert. Quiet. What there was now, wasn't what had been before.

Before...

Before the attack. Before Inuyasha's injuries sustained from the living nightmare, the appalling violation in Naraku's hands the hanyou had lived through. During the first few weeks after the rape it had seemed that Inuyasha got next to no sleep. Kaede had had to drug him as to avert some of the nightmares and give him a dreamless sleep, if only to give his mind a rest along his broken body which had for so long been immobilised by the worst injuries. Now, it seemed as if Inuyasha had been put into induced sleep, but that wasn't the case any more.

Not today.

At the moment, the healer Kaoru had administered medicines that she said would make Inuyasha slightly sluggish, she'd also given him the strongest pain draught she'd dared. Either the current situation was the unintended result of that mix, or Inuyasha's mind. Kagome fervently hoped for the former option.

It was the fourth day after they'd woken in the dead of night to Inuyasha's screams. It was the fifth month of his pregnancy, Kaoru had said that Inuyasha would have to hold on for four months, if the baby was to be born when it was supposed to. Looking at him now, Kagome shuddered because it was evident her friend wouldn't last that long. She sat by Inuyasha's bed, watching the rise and fall of his chest. He was alive, still alive. She glanced at some fruit in a bowl on a nearby table. His breakfast, should Inuyasha wake up before the midday meal.

Kagome herself had eaten only a meagre breakfast, the idea of eating while Inuyasha still hadn't properly woken up had robbed her of most of her appetite. The whole morning meal had been a subdued affair. Rin and Shippou had both been present and pouting since they weren't allowed to visit Inuyasha, not that either had seen much of him during the last month. Sesshoumaru had also been in attendance. Kaoru had been tending to Inuyasha's wounds and keeping an eye on him, so the hanyou hadn't been left alone. Both the lord and the miko-in-training had wanted to talk about Inuyasha but hadn't been able to do so in front of the children.

Neither Rin nor Shippou hadn't been told of Inuyasha's self-mutilation and attempted suicide. Nor his loss of a grip on reality. Both the youkai lord and human girl had agreed to keep it from them. Servants and retainers had also been warned off from mentioning it to them, either. There was no way either Rin or Shippou could be kept from blurting out to Inuyasha that Miroku wasn't there at all, never had been. One other reason to keep them from seeing Inuyasha, for the time being. Because they were, being children, perceptive and at least Kagome was sure they knew that something was terribly wrong with Inuyasha.

Breakfast had ended with little said between any of them. Kagome had taken Shippou aside to apologize to him for not again spending enough time with him, hoping that the fox-kit was okay with spending his time with Rin. Which he was, but not being with Shippou still made Kagome feel guilty.

After that Kagome had walked alone to Inuyasha's new rooms. They hadn't moved Inuyasha back to the room he'd previously occupied, the one where he'd hurt himself. First of all it was better that Inuyasha wasn't moved for a while and they thought that maybe a new environment would help him get better once he woke up for good. The room's where Inuyasha had given in to his mind's madness would echo the violence and terror back to them all for quite some time. Even if there had been no visible signs to tell what had happened after all had been cleaned up.

Inuyasha's new room was closer to Sesshoumaru's and a little farther from Kagome's own that she liked. It was also slightly smaller, but still had access to the gardens through a paper door. It was quite simply as furnishings went, also somewhat sparse in furniture. There was the futon, two tables, some shelves and pillows to sit on. Kagome had set a bouquet of wild-flowers picked by Rin and Shippou on the bigger table which was a bit farther from Inuyasha's bed. It was the one where food and water was kept, the smaller one housing his many medicines.

When Kagome had come to Inuyasha's rooms she'd stood at the doorway, holding onto the screen door, watching Kaoru. The old healer, a dog youkai, had been kneeling by Inuyasha's bed, holding the hanyou's hand. The morning sun had been seeping in from the open screen door leading into the garden's outside. It proved to bet yet another beautiful day. The fresh air wasn't too cold yet as to be detrimental to Inuyasha's health, even with the summer coming to a close. Kagome had looked at the healer. Kaoru had been looking at Inuyasha with a mix of horror and pity on her wizened face.

Kagome had coughed to announce her presence, even if there had been no need with Kaoru being a youkai, her senses were still very keen. “Good morning, Kaoru-sama,” Kagome had said. And then she'd asked her question, as she had these past days. Always the same question spiced up with extras, like now, everytime met with variable answers. “How is he, Kaoru-sama? Is something wrong with him?” The old healers worried face had worried her in turn. She'd leaned against the wooden frame wearily.

The youkai woman had sighed. She'd let go of Inuyasha's hand, letting it rest on the covers and had then gotten up.

“Good morning, Kagome.” Kaoru had put away a few jars as Kagome had continued to hover in the doorway. The healer had begun to keep some jars by Inuyasha's bedside, on the small table. There had been no sense in her dragging them about with her every single time that she saw Inuyasha, so she had a supply of what was needed for tending to the hanyou's wounds and also a concoction of potions to calm him and help him heal. Even if Inuyasha would never fully heal with the poison still coursing through his veins. It was also better to have the implements of healing better at hand in Inuyasha's room should the drastic events from few days ago reoccur. All of them had been on edge around Inuyasha the past few days, looking for any signs of … catastrophe.

The old youkai had turned to look at the girl. “There is no change. Inuyasha-sama is as he has been, these past days.” The old healer had sounded somewhat defeated as she spokes to Kagome.

Wishing the healer a good day as the youkai woman had left, Kagome had taken over the place of vigil by Inuyasha's side. She'd fidgeted around a little whilst sitting down, the the yukata's she'd taken to wearing on Sesshoumaru's silent urging while being a quest to his home were taking a little getting used to. She could see the sense of them, the servants had been whispering all around her, making her on edge. Even while a yukata was summer-clothing, it had more fabric than did her school uniform. Modesty was suitable with the mood of these days.

And now there she was, sitting by her friend's sick-bed once again.

The silence was still unsettling, even after days of it. Kagome would have wanted nothing better than for Inuaysha to wake up. She knew he wasn't conscious, having gotten to know the way the hanyou held his body when he was awake during the last five months. Bandages covered Inuyasha's mangled eyes, so there was no other way than to look at the way Inuyasha lay or hear him speak to be certain that he was conscious. When the hanyou was asleep or unconscious he was eerily still and silent. Only the soft rise and fall of his chest was proof that he was even alive. His hands were laying at his sides over the blanket, now cleaned and slightly cut-short silver hair was spilling out around his face. Bandages over his eyes covered most of his face and his mouth just slightly open. Inuyasha looked so not himself Kagome wanted to cry. The hair was the new change that had come about in the last few days. It had been so bloody and tangled after that horrid night that they had had to cut it to shoulder length, there was no hope of cleaning it all out when Inuyasha was in no condition to even take a bath. So it had been cut short, merely touching his shoulder's now. Kagome had always known Inuyasha as the brash youth with silver hair and confidence to spare, he looked so alien now, hair short and confidence long gone.

She wanted to hear him speak, she wanted to say he was all right, to know Inuyasha was in his right mind again. Her thoughts drifted to their friends, they hadn't heard from any of them for over a month now.

Kagome thought about Miroku especially, what the monk would say if he knew how Inuyasha fared. What he would the monk do? Would Miroku come to Inuyasha's side now? His absence had been worrying her. She knew that Inuyasha had left a note to warm Miroku off but she'd thought that the monk wouldn't heed. Miroku had been so persistent in trying to get close to Inuyasha to help in the wake of Naraku's attack. His inaction now when Inuyasha needed him the most was unsettling. Miroku had been there for Inuyasha, loving him and caring for him, during those first nightmarish months. He'd soothed the broken hanyou through nightmares and searing pain. And then... then he'd flinched. And the rift between the lovers hadn't been mended. Inuyasha had told Kagome about it, but the hanyou hadn't confronted the monk, nor had Miroku approached Inuyasha verbally to try and work things out. But Inuyasha's need for comfort had made the estranged lovers seek each other out during the night. It had been from Miroku's embrace that Inuyasha had left in the dead of the night. Kagome was glad she'd woken to catch him. Not that she'd been able to talk to Inuyasha much, her friend had averted talking to him for two weeks before that final nightmare that had pushed the hanyou's mind and body into mad deeds.

Kagome was sure that if Miroku had still been by Inuyasha's side, if the lovers had still been together, Inuyasha wouldn't have attempted to take his life. To her, Miroku's continued absence from Inuyasha's side was boggling, there shouldn't have been any reason for it. Yet she knew, deep down, what was the reason behind the monk not being there at Sesshoumaru's ancestral home.

Kagome's eyes strayed to the curve of Inuyasha's stomach. That had to be it. Even with the reality of it staring her in the face she was still getting used to the idea of her friend being pregnant. She had accepted the idea of the child being Inuyasha's and his only, long talks with the hanyou had assured that. Inuyasha had been trying to think of the child as his alone in the months he'd known about himself being pregnant. He'd loved the child instinctively the moment he'd known, begged Kaede to help save it. Not once had he told Kagome that he would have been better off without it. Better off dead. Yet now she knew that doubt about his decision had been creeping into Inuyasha's mind in the weeks when Kagome had not really spoken with him. Sesshoumaru had told her of how miserable Inuyasha had finally gotten. The youkai lord had taken his brother under his wing, even claiming to protect his unborn child from harm. She knew he'd tried to allay his brother's fears and doubts, had tried to make Inuyasha remember that he wanted the child. Family was important to the two inu brother's.

Miroku hadn't been so quick in his acceptance as his lover, or his lover's brother. Inuyasha may not have seen how his lover looked at him sometimes. There wasn't loathing in the monk's eyes, never had been, but when his eyes had rested on Inuyasha's stomach there'd been trepidation. Miroku had tried, that much Kagome knew. The monk loved Inuyasha but his lack of love for the child, one more physical mark of Inuyasha's violation, had been the end for them. And the monk had flinched and, somehow, Inuyasha had known it.

Blind the hanyou might have become but he could read people even without, or maybe because of, his lack of physical sight. Inuyasha had known. And had ran off without confronting Miroku with it in the dead of night days after. Kagome had decided to accompany him with Shippou in tow, but in following him she'd effectively cut herself off from her flesh-and-blood family. Kaede's village and the bone-eaters well was just far enough off to reach comfortably and with their group so divided she wasn't sure if it was safe to travel alone. She didn't quite trust Sesshoumaru with the truth about her origins, and she would have to tell him if she was to have any protection in travelling through the countryside to Kaede's village. And she couldn't leave Inuyasha's side without giving the youkai lord a proper explanation as to where she was going.

Kagome knew that her mother worried about her, as would her grand-father and Sota but... she also loved Inuyasha like a brother too. She couldn't leave, especially not now. She'd last been home over a month ago, just before they'd left for Sesshoumaru's. She'd said to her mother that she might be gone for a while this time. Her mother had embraced her tightly and told her to be careful. Kagome had left with tears dripping down her cheeks.

Looking at Inuyasha now, the youth she had known in the beginning replaced with this broken stranger, Kagome knew that she loved him still. Not the school-girl crush she'd had in the beginning. No. That had been replaced by Inuyasha's brotherly worry. Comrades had become family to the loveless hanyou. After his fifty-year sleep trapped to the Goshinboku, Inuyasha had woken up into a new life and world, and a new family. Sesshoumaru, his only blood-kin, had denied familial love for quite some time, his confused feelings masked in anger and aloofness. Yet the youkai lord had never managed to fatally wound his brother, as much as he claimed he'd kill his 'misbegotten' hanyou brother on sight. So new friends had become family, and more.

Inuyasha's friendship and camaraderie with Miroku hadn't yet blossomed into a relationship before the attack, but the attraction and pull had been there. They'd all seen it, even if the men in question had been hedging around the subject for some months. After the attack, Inuyasha had felt unclean and shunned everyone, especially Miroku, but Kagome had known. She'd sat by her friend back then, much like now, and listened to his broken mumblings as fever burned Inuyasha up. Inuyasha had felt undeserving. He'd felt damaged beyond repair, broken in a way which could never be mended, lost. A future with Miroku snatched away as Naraku had ripped into his flesh, invaded and violated what should have been freely given, would have been, had it been the monk.

Finally, Miroku had saved Inuyasha from the nightmares and self-accusations boiling in his mind. The monk had accepted Inuyasha and he'd began to slowly heal. Now it had all been undone. Kagome wondered which had broken her friend more, Naraku's violence or Miroku's insensibility and stupidity.

“Please wake up,” Kagome pleaded with a soft tone. She took hold of Inuyasha's hand. It should have been Miroku there instead of her and they all knew it, even Inuyasha. But to him, daydreams gave comfort. A lie soothed his maddened mind. Yet it was wrong. Kagome hoped that Inuyasha would wake up and be of sound mind again. “Please be okay...”

She both dreaded and waited eagerly for Inuyasha to wake up. The hanyou had been more awake yesterday than the previous two days, after all. Even then he'd woken up only a handful of times. During none of those times had he been fully coherent. He'd been somewhat alert but not enough to really know what had been happening around him. He'd eaten a little and then gone back to sleep.

Kaoru had given Inuyasha draughts to keep him under the first two days following his 'incident', but even under the influence, Inuyasha had managed to drag himself into wake-fullness. Once only on the first day had he woken and been alert, if not sane. He'd asked after Miroku and been pacified when Sesshoumaru had taken his hand in his. The hanyou's brother had offered Inuyasha some soothing words, he hadn't neither denied or admitted into really actually being Miroku. Kagome had been present. She'd sat by Inuyasha that whole first day, and had seen a frown grease the regal youkai's forehead. The lord of the west hadn't been pleased with his own actions, even when he hadn't technically lied to Inuyasha. Sesshoumaru had left right after Inuyasha had fallen asleep and had spent most of the day with Rin. He'd arrived to dinner with braided hair.

The second day Inuyasha had woken at mid-day after his semi-conscious intake of his medicines in the early morning. He'd seemed coherent until he'd asked after Miroku. He'd called the child he carried “theirs”, his hand gently cradling the swell of his belly. Kagome had entered to hear the tail end of the absurd conversation between the hanyou and Kaoru. Inuyasha had drifted off to sleep after drinking some more medicine and some nutritious broth. The healer had later filled in both Kagome and Sesshoumaru about the conversation. The youkai and girl had exchanged hurried words before Sesshoumaru had had to leave to tend to some urgent business. Kagome had been left to her thoughts.

At dusk that same day Inuyasha had stirred a second time, which had worried Kaoru. The healer had said that no-one should have been able to fight off the potion she'd given Inuyasha. The hanyou's persistence in being able to do so worried the healer. It should have been impossible. Sesshoumaru had been with Rin so Kagome had been the one to deal with the hanyou's questions about Miroku while she fed him some broth. She'd averted them by telling her friend that Miroku was away for the moment but would be there soon. She'd been infinitely glad that Inuyasha had been content with that. But she wasn't sure how long she could avert Inuyasha's questions before resorting to lying to him. To her comfort Inuyasha had fallen asleep after he'd eaten. The short conversation had been harrowing. Kagome had been close to tears.

Yesterday had seen Inuyasha more alert. Kaoru had ceased on giving him the sleep-inducing draught. She'd said it would have been dangerous to persist in giving it to the hanyou. His body was fighting against it as it was. And it was not good for his condition, either.

Condition.

It felt so real now. Kagome herself had felt the child kick against the palm of her hand often enough. Just yesterday Inuyasha had taken hold of her hand and her it to his growing belly. She'd startled as something within him had shifted and pushed against her palm. It had made it so real, almost too real. Inuyasha had almost smiled. “He'll be a fighter just like his father,” the hanyou had said, his voice full of pride. Kagome had been at a loss as to what Inuyasha had meant by it. Whom he meant by it. But she'd been informed and not been too happy with the knowledge.

“You think it'll have the Kazaana?”

Kagome remembered her gasp, she'd almost given in that time. But it felt cruel to dispel Inuyasha from his delusions. He'd sounded so content. 'Let's pretend a little while, he's so content now. It'll only hurt him to know...' So she'd smiled and willed her voice to not shake as she'd answered Inuyasha. “No, I don't think so. I'm sure it'll be all right. Remember how Miroku was a boy already when...” And there she'd stopped, on the verge of saying the wrong thing. For had the child really been Miroku's, it would only inherit the wind scar at it's previous bearer's death. At Miroku's death.

'But I don't know if he's still alive!' had been Kagome's thought before she'd had to calm a crying Inuyasha down. She could have hit herself over her stupid behaviour and extremely bad choice of words.

“He thinks that the child is his and Miroku's,” she'd whispered to Sesshoumaru when the youkai lord had finally come and sit with Inuyasha in the evening. The youkai's head, already looking at his brother's slumbering form, had turned sharply to look at her. She'd been standing in the doorway, he'd almost already sat down by Inuyasha's side but came back to her when she'd spoken.

“What did you tell him, foolish ningen?” the lord of the West had asked her quietly, not wanting to disturb his brother.

“Well I couldn't tell him the truth, could I?” she'd said, thinking he was a bit slow. Such an absurd thought that had been, in regards to Sesshoumaru.

“What did you say?”

“Inuyasha asked if the child would inherit the Kazaana. I shouldn't have said what I did.” Kagome had felt herself wilt under Sesshoumaru's steady gaze. “I said it was unlikely, that Miroku himself had been a boy already. Inuyasha burst into tears and cried himself to sleep.”

“That was very foolish,” Sesshoumaru had hissed at her.

“Yes, I know!” she'd hissed back at him. Sesshoumaru almost always made her feel like she never even did anything right. Like her being a human, a mere ningen, was proof of that. That she was a woman also factored in, she was sure. Even while Sesshoumaru seemed to not be that archaic in his attitudes towards women, Kagome felt like he was, anyway.

“Then he fell asleep, yes?” the youkai had inquired, his eyes now looking down at his brother.

“Yes,” she'd replied, turning her head away from the two brothers. She'd stared at the wall blindly, sighing.

“I shall go to him now. You go and think about what you've done and what is proper behaviour around him now.” Sesshoumaru had looked at her scathingly before he'd turned completely around and sitting by Inuyasha's side.

“Look, Sesshoumaru-sama, I know I shouldn't have indulged him but are you any better?” She'd left Sesshoumaru to mull over that remark.

Inuyasha had woken up twice more after that, once in Sesshoumaru's presence and once very late at night when Kaoru had been redressing some of his wounds. Both had held a hedging conversation with the hanyou. Their luck was that Inuyasha still recognized Kaoru for who she was. If he hadn't, treating him would have become rather difficult. Sesshoumaru hadn't been able to come forward with the truth either during his conversation with his brother. These days Kagome felt sure the lord was just a big softie inside. She knew he was, the way he acted with Rin. Letting the girl get a way with so much.

“Why all the fuss?”

A soft, somewhat scratchy voice interrupted Kagome's flow of thoughts. Her head snapped up from where she'd been staring at her lap. Her eyes had been blindly intent on her interlocked fingers. She'd been lost in mulling over the events of the last few days in her mind. Kagome smiled even while she dreaded what Inuyasha's frame of mind would be this time. Heeding Sesshoumaru's admonition, she chose her words carefully and kept herself at check.

“You've been sick, Inuyasha,” she said, while grasping for a gentle tone. “Don't you remember?”
She braved leaning forwards to pat one of Inuyasha's hands gently. Both his hands were fidgeting restlessly over the bedding.

Inuyasha turned his head towards her. He was pale. And thin. The time he'd spent at Sesshoumaru's castle had made him some good, he wasn't as emaciated as he'd been before at Kaede's village, but he was far from a healthy weight. He was too sick still, the after-effects of Naraku's attack having wasted his body enough even without the pregnancy. He'd never really recovered from the injuries Naraku had left him with before the pregnancy had really begun to take it's toll on his body. And now this incident, his attempted suicide, would set him back for weeks to come. The out-come was now even more grim than it had been before.

As Kagome watched him avidly, the hanyou swallowed, his tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips. “Have I?” Inuyasha finally asked, his voice tired and confused.

Kagome frowned, willing her hand to not grip his convulsively, letting out her cards. “Yes. How do you feel now?” She was worried, this was unexpected. For him to even forget being sick.. It was unnerving. Inuyasha had to be confused after having been out of it for so long but to not notice the aches and pains of his body upon waking? Unbelievable.

“Achey all over...” Inuyasha complained. Kagome was relieved, he wasn't completely out of it, just confused.

The hanyou stretched his limbs and winced. He must have jarred his still healing stomach wounds. Naraku's poison still continued to slow his healing abilities considerably. What would have been a quick recovery only five months before was a way of pain now. Inuyasha had recovered so slowly from the initial attack and this new one, only two months after his almost-miscarriage... It was a wonder both he and his child were even alive. “What happened?” Inuyasha asked distractedly, letting his body slump down on the bedding. His hand came up to the bandage over his eyes, as if wondering what it was doing there.

'Don't ask about your eyes, please!' Kagome pleaded inside her head. She knew she'd tell Inuyasha everything if the hanyou did so. She wished his disorientation would only be the normal kind that people had after a long period of unconsciousness. She had to tread careful now. Even if she hated to lie. But to yell the truth to Inuyasha's face now, when he was weak and disoriented. She couldn't do it, it wouldn't be right by any moral standards.

“There was an attack, don't you remember?” Kagome asked cautiously. She hoped it was ambiguous enough. Part of her still wanted to scream the truth to Inuyasha's face, make him know the reality, but... Not when he was like this. She simply couldn't do it. Not like this. Her eyes searched what she could see of his face for clues as to his mood. Tone told only so much. She needed to keep Inuyasha content.

Inuyasha was silent.

Kagome looked at him intently as several thoughts ran through her head. 'Oh, if only Miroku was here!... and Kouga.' She hadn't dared to save the wolf a single thought since coming to Sesshoumaru's castle. She trusted Kouga to think about what they had enough for both of them. Before the giddy happiness welling inside her could overwhelm and distract her, she reoriented herself. She shook her head and let it rest on Inuyasha's face.

His poor face. The faint lines of scars still showed on the hanyou's cheeks and the parts of his face not obscured by the bandages over his eyes. The tips of the worst scars peeped out just under the white linen. She hadn't been present when his eye-dressings were changed in a while, the memory of it from before still haunted her. Inuyasha's eyes had taken a turn for the worse again. She could tell by the faint dark spots already forming on the bandages. It was the poison burning through the scars on Inuyasha's eyes. The thought made Kagome sick.

Inuyasha coughed and winced. His hand sought out a spot on his side where there'd once been cracked ribs, now months ago. It was amazing how he'd managed to recover from Naraku breaking most of the bones in his body, even if it had taken him months for them to heal. Painful months. Inuyasha's hands moved from his sides and over his torso to feel the bandages covering his midriff. Kagome knew he couldn't deny the bulge of his stomach for what it was. A pregnancy. He didn't say anything about it for the moment. She bit her lip, waiting for him to speak. “Someone run me through or something?” Inuyasha asked, as his hands worried over the bandages over his self-inflicted wounds. He swallowed and then asked another question. “Gimme some water, Kagome?”

“Yes, wait a moment.” Kagome let the first question slide. She got up and walked a few steps to a low table to retrieve a jug of water. Coming back, she took a ceramic cup from a small table by Inuyasha's bed-side and filled it with the fresh water. She looked at the hanyou as she put the jug down, raising the cup in her left hand. She draped her right hand behind Inuyasha's upper-back and helped him raise his head. “Here, I'll help you.” It was a testimony to his discomfort that Inuyasha didn't protest. She sighed softly as he gulped down the water. 'Minute at a time...'

Once back in a prone position, Inuyasha hands settled over the bulge. He felt the shape of it, as to reaffirm it was there.

“The kid okay?”

Kagome let her breath out in a whoosh. So he did remember some things. Well, being pregnant was not something one would forget. She hadn't seriously thought that he could, no matter whose child he thought he was carrying at any given time. Kagome knew that Inuyasha had to feel the baby moving inside him now, as she had herself felt it move within him just yesterday.

“He's fine”, she laid her hand over one of the hands on Inuyasha's belly and gave it a reassuring squeeze. She even found herself smiling as she said those words. It was a child, after all. She knew that in some way she may have been justified in having negative feelings towards Inuyasha's unborn baby because of how it was conceived and because of the other parent but... she couldn't. It was just a child. A child wasn't evil. It was Inuyasha's child too. No child of his wouldn't be anything but cute and kind. Inuyasha would raise him well, if he'd live. Her eyes were glued to her hand over his and she noticed how frail his looked.

Kagome shook her head to reroute her thoughts, wallowing in angst wasn't the way to go now. She needed to be upbeat, for Inuyasha. She had to try and help Inuyasha out of the shadows of his mind, for his child deserved a parent who was sane. It did no good for Inuyasha to continue to dwell on dreams for the rest of his life. A lie was a lie, however nobly and hurriedly the initial deception had been devised.

Yet it would be hard to undeceive Inuyasha. If only Miroku were there.

“Good,” Inuyasha said, once again breaking Kagome's moody thoughts. He squeezed Kagome's hand between his. Then it came, what Kagome had feared. “Where's Miroku?”

Kagome couldn't help but shudder a bit as her head snapped up to look at Inuyasha's face. If anything he looked hopeful, he sounded hopeful, expectant. Slightly aggrieved. Upset that the monk wasn't there. She curled her fingers around his within the clasp of his hands. She took a deep breath and spoke. “He's not here now.” She wanted to bite her treacherous tongue off. 'Idiot!' It seemed that her sub-conscious was intent on throwing the truth at Inuyasha every chance it got. But maybe starting off gently would ease Inuyasha back into the truth? Back into reality. Sanity.

Inuyasha's hands grew tight around her hand. “I know, there's no-one here besides you.” He turned his head from side to side. It looked like he was trying to see. Kagome choked back a sob, knowing he never would. Inuyasha's head turned back towards Kagome again. “Kagome, where is Miroku? Why ain't he here?”

“Umm, I'm not sure?” she offered with an uncertain tone and a weak smile. The hands around hers were really tight now, it was beginning to hurt a bit. Yet she wouldn't draw her hand away. She felt a fluttering kick against her wrist where it lay against a less bandaged area of Inuyasha's stomach. She gasped.

“You talked with him yesterday, I heard!” Inuyasha accused. He let go of Kagome's hands, one of his claws accidentally pricking her skin. Both of his hands then went to cradle the swell of his belly protectively. Kagome couldn't be sure, but she thought he was frowning.

“In the evening?” Kagome asked cautiously, trying to buy time so as to think of what she should say. She knew Inuyasha had to mean that he'd heard her talking to Sesshoumaru. She wished he wasn't so confused. She was just a girl, in no ways prepared to deal with such a situation. Inuyasha's grip on reality was so fragile, she saw it now. Kagome had gotten used to dealing with Inuyasha's state of mind after the attack, but this new madness of his was still too fresh. She kept her face strained on Inuyasha as her hands settled on her lap. Kagome was afraid to touch him, her hand still hurt after the way Inuyasha had had it in his crushing grip before.

Inuyasha nodded as an answer to her question, his hands still around his stomach. He looked restless. Kagome decided to brave the truth. Inside, she wished Miroku ill for leaving them all in this situation. True, Inuyasha had surrendered to darkness all on his own, but the reason he had was because Miroku had not been there for him.

“I was talking with Sesshoumaru, you were so sleepy that you must have...” Kagome began, reaching out to touch Inuyasha's arm to reassure him. She drew back mid-sentence as Inuyasha swatted her hand away and pushed himself up into a sitting position, facing her.

“You were talking with Miroku!” The hanyou broke into a hacking cough in the wake of his heated accusation. His body was bent in half he as struggled to breathe, clutching at his stomach. Inuyasha strove to breathe deep to stop his cough.

Kagome quickly poured Inuyasha another cup of water and bent close to the hanyou to help him drink, murmuring calming words. He took her help without grumbling too much. She frowned in concern. Kaoru hadn't expressly forbidden Inuyasha to stand up, so why the cough? Was it his temper?. She blanched as Inuyasha coughed up droplets of blood. Just then Kaoru saved the situation by showing up. The old healer assessed the situation quickly and then went about her business. Inuyasha was helped into a proper sitting position and support provided. Kaoru gave him a draught to stop the cough. She shook her head at the blood on his lips. She pursed her own, clearly displeased. Mostly at Kagome, who had let Inuyasha become so upset.

“What on earth did you do, girl?” Kaoru asked as she held Inyasha's wrist and felt for his racing pulse.

“I heard her talking to Miroku last night and she said she hadn't!” Inuyasha's head swerved to Kagome's direction, she was standing up behind Kaoru. “She's lying to me!” If Inuyasha had been able to glare at Kagome, he would have. But he managed well enough by doing it verbally.

Kaoru turned to look at Kagome, who shook her head. Kagome looked directly into Kaoru's eyes, hoping that the desperation she now felt showed in her face.

“I'm not lying, Inuyasha,” Kagome stated gently. “I talked with Sesshoumaru, did I not, Kaoru-sama?” She silently pleaded for the healer to back her story up. Kaoru had been informed of their talk by Sesshoumaru. So she knew. And she'd not lie.

“You did, child.” Kaoru laid a comforting hand on Inuyasha's fore-head, checking for fever. “Hush now, Inuyasha-sama, and be still. You are hurt and need calm and rest.” The healer placated her patient gently. She frowned. “How do you feel?” she asked, taking her hand from Inuyasha's brow and settling it over his rounded mid-section. The healer nodded, clearly satisfied that the child which Inuyasha carried was as fine as could be.

“Achey. She said there was an attack?” Inuyasha's tone had grown somewhat suspicious now, his accusation of Kagome having lied about not talking to Miroku not forgotten.

Kaoru looked up at Kagome sharply. The girl shook her head to tell the healer Inuyasha hadn't remembered But she pleaded with her eyes for Kaoru to prod a little more, dig a little deeper.

“What do you remember?” Kaoru asked Inuyasha gently. She patter one of the hands that lay protectively over Inuyasha's growing belly.

“Not much,” Inuyasha said vaguely. “I was fighting? There was a voice from the dark and claws in my gut...” His voice started to shake a bit at that. It was obvious he was veering close to remembering now. But what would happen when he would remember? What Inuyasha had done that night had been horrible to watch, but to have lived through it? Kagome shuddered a bit as thought about it.

“It's all right,” Kaoru squeezed Inuyasha's hand in hers. “Don't dwell on it now.”

“But I was fighting?” Inuyasha pressed on. His hand roamed over his body and settled on his eyes. “ But I'm blind. How am I blind?!” Inuyasha's voice raised in tone and his head turned towards Kaoru first, then towards Kagome. “You, you know! Kagome, don't lie to me!” He extended an accusing hand towards her, pointing at her. He snarled, his hand grabbing at her hand but she pulled away, just missing his extended claws.

Kagome shook her head. “I... You need to calm down, Inuyasha. Please?!” She pleaded close to tears. Kagome knelt by Inuyasha's bed and reached out for him but he swatted her hand away.

“You know! Why won't you tell me? Why d'you keep lying'?!” Inuyasha grimaced as he struggled to get up to get at Kagome, better to confront her.

Kaoru put her hand on his arm to keep him from getting up. “Lie down, Inuyasha-sama. You're still too hurt.” She was looking rather displeased with her uncooperative patient. Her eye strayed to the jars and vials on a shelf nearby, clearly cataloguing them to find something to calm Inuyasha, if need be.

Inuyasha's head snapped back to Kaoru. “You make her stop lying to me then!” He gestured at his eyes emphatically. “Why am I blind?! The hell happened?!” Inuyasha's claws pricked the skin of the bandages over his eyes. “Why can't I remember anything?!”

Kagome sobbed softly, looking at her friend. Inuyasha was so distressed. This was worse than before. How could he have forgotten? 'Maybe it's for the best... No! It can't be. Look at him!' Her eyes jerked back to his face and Inuyasha's panicked voice echoed in her head. She'd rarely heard him become so panicked. All Kagome wanted was to hug Inuyasha and tell him everything would be all right it the end. Even when she knew it was such a lie. Inuyasha wouldn't be okay until he remembered and a part of her wanted him to never remember. Better for her friend to not remember the rape. Inuyasha could have a fresh start with Miroku like this, couldn't he? If only the stupid monk would agree to it. See the child Inuyasha was carrying as theirs and... 'No, it would never work...' Kagome bit her lip, crying, at a loss as to what to do. She looked at Inuyasha and sighed deeply.

If only he would remember everything! Even the bad things...
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The Pain In My Heart