Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Enamored	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Kouga/Kagome Views: 13037 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 4
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, and I do not make any money from these writings

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N: I adore you all.
Enamored
Chapter 17: Guilt & Passion
From the future.
At first, he thought she was losing her mind - after all, she had gotten knocked around pretty hard by the birds of paradise. But, she kept on talking and explaining. Well, the jewel, Inuyasha, her life back home. It was where she had been headed when she got injured. She had been going home - through a well - into the future. She had babbled a bit, and he had not gotten it all but after a few moments he had no choice but to believe her. It did explain the strange clothes, the different mindset and that temper. She had not explained much about her time, but from her alone, he gathered it was different. Once she had finally taken a break to breath, she had asked him if he had any questions - and he had asked for a moment.
Why was she telling him this now?
It did mean she trusted him, which he appreciated.
But did it also mean she was going to leave?
She mentioned that she was putting the jewel back together but - she did not say anything about actually staying here.
What if she left? He would never see her again.
Then again, five hundred years was not that long. He was still alive - he had to be.
Now that his thoughts made more sense to him, he rushed back inside. He ignored all the looks he was getting - after all, they were pretty confused to see him walk out of the den with all the scent going on - and he dashed back to her. Inside, he found her sitting on the furs, her arms wrapped around her legs while she seemed to be lost in her own head.
She told him. She had to - because she had to be honest with him. He was a wolf planning a life time and she did not have a life time. She did not know what would happen to her. Would she be tossed back on her side of the well just as randomly as she had been dragged into this side of the past? What if she disappeared one day and he never understood why? She had to tell him because he had to know. He took the news about as well as she expected him to take it. And now - the hair on the back of her neck stood straight. - Now he was standing right there, looming over her. Their eyes met briefly and she blushed.
"Are you okay?" she dared to ask.
He nodded. "Am I alive?"
"W-what?"
"In your - time, I should be alive right?"
Oh. That was the part that she did not tell him. "We - hm, you see. There's no youkais."
"What?"
"I didn't know youkais existed until I came here."
"That's not possible," he said with a strained voice. He knew humans could sometimes be quite violent, but it could never be enough to overtake all the youkais in the world. They did not have that kind of power.
"I- I'm sorry. I never sensed any and Inuyasha never smelled any…"
Inutrasha. The twat who could apparently go through the well with her. How come that idiot could it while nobody else could? He was sure that he could. Anything that dog could do, Kouga could do better and he knew it. But that did not matter at the moment; he was more upset about the fact that she was trying to tell him that youkais were long gone. He was smart, he could never be killed like that. Maybe - maybe they were simply somewhere else, somewhere far from where she lived. She did not know everything; they could still be alive.
Kagome watched the struggle in his eyes as he went through different emotions. It was her fault. She should not have said it - maybe she should have lied and pretended that youkais roamed the world. What was the harm in that? It was not like Kouga would ever go on her side of the well. Now, a sense of guilt was weighing down in her heart. Inuyasha had never really been upset at the lack of youkais in her time and so, she never associated it with anything bad. Then again, Inuyasha was fairly lonely in his lifestyle and he never grew up around a pack or anything. He barely even knew his own brother. Kouga on the other hand was very attached to the pack life and the lives of many youkais mattered to him.
"But I could be wrong," she finally added to break the uncomfortable silence.
And she could be. She had not gone all over the world. Maybe a handful of them survived somewhere on a remote island. Or maybe they were amazingly good at disguising themselves. Who was she to take all of his hopes away?
"Maybe," was the only word that past his lips.
He could smell the uncertainty on her and he knew she was not trying to lie or anything but - he was not sure he was comfortable with it.
"I - it's a lot," he finally admitted.
He did not feel any less for her and it did not mean he did not want to be with her forever - because he did. He only loved her more than he knew a part of everything she went through to get to where she was. And he could imagine how difficult it was for her to be away from her owns like that - all the time. But he feared for the future. It did not seem as certain as it did before and - and what if he lost her? He had lost a lot recently and he did not think that losing her on top of it all was something he could do. Inutrasha never had to have that fear because he could follow her anywhere and that was unfair.
"I know, I just wanted to be honest." Because he meant more than he did before. And she could not make any promises if she could not give all the facts.
She also never thought she would be telling anyone this.
He met her gaze and he saw it in her eyes; the fear that she was not being accepted, the fear that he might be rejected her because she was honest with him. And despite how sad he was at the moment, he never wanted her to think that. Fuck, he was screwing up his own progress. He had got her this far, it had taken everything from him to convince her to actually give them a shot and now he was letting her throw it away? He could not let this happen. The future was uncertain. Fine. He needed to be what he was; a leader. There would be a solution. But for there to be a solution, there had to be a Kagome and him.
He had to ignore everything he was feeling. He had to focus on them. It would get him through each day. If he let anything else cloud his judgement, he might lose sight of his goal.
And his goal was her.
"No, no, it's fine," he said as he scooted closer to her. He quickly grabbed her hand, and trapped it between his. "It ain't gonna change how I feel."
His voice sounded trustful and his eyes were shining with the same feelings as they always had. Yet, there was something there in the pit of her stomach and she could not chase it away. What was wrong?
"Kouga…"
"KEI!"
"What?" they both spoke in unison as they turned their heads towards the entrance of the den. Ginta was standing there in a panic, waving his arms. Kagome and Kouga pulled away from each other but he was much quicker than her on his feet. "What about Kei," he clarified as he closed the distance between himself and his pack member.
"He's being weird," Ginta explained, breathlessly. They could all tell that some shit was going on between Kouga and Kagome but they were forced to ignore it for the time being. This was much more important. Although, they looked a lot better, holding hands and all. He was glad.
"Weird how?" Kagome asked, thinking of the horrors a Naraku puppet could do.
"He's shaking."
"He's seizing?" she clarified.
"Se-seizing?"
She could not run and she could not get there fast enough on her own two feet. She did not know if it was a reaction to a poison or it was coming from Naraku's control. Either way, it could be very dangerous and she could not let other lives perished. She did the only thing she could think of; she went behind Kouga and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Lift me up," she whispered.
And oh boy did he do it fast.
Once her legs were secured around his waist, she buried her face in his back. "Let's go."
It was much faster.
It was why she was doing it. Not because his back was nice, warm and muscular.
It was for the speed.
-E-
"Get me a branch."
"A branch?"
"Yes, quick."
"Do as she says."
Kagome's strength was not match for Kei's and so, Kouga was the one pressing down on his shoulders, holding him down. She was not quite sure what to do in the case of seizures, but she was going to the best of her abilities. Most of all, she was trying to prevent him from biting his tongue but she was not getting herself anywhere near his mouth and his fangs. She did not have a death wish.
"What's going on?" Kouga asked as he held down his friend.
"He's having a seizure, - a reaction." She did not know how to explain it in terms he would understand.
"Is this something, you know… well? From your… home?" He was sure that some people had picked up on their conversation but in case it was not a known knowledge, he wanted to keep her secret… well a secret. She shared that private information with him and not with the entire pack. He was not about to betray the trust she had put in him.
"Yes," she replied with redness spreading across her cheeks.
She knew no one would know the meaning of his words but she did and it was strange for her to have Kouga know about where she came from.
Whatever she asked him to do, he would. He knew that in some areas she had more knowledge than she did and Kagome was kind and loving. Whatever she was doing, it was to help save Kei. Although, there was still this doubt looming inside of him, a shade of uncertainty. What if this was no longer his friend? What if, he could not trust him and keeping him alive was doing more harm than good? He should not be thinking that way and yet he was. He had to protect what he had left and he had to protect her. Doing this was putting her in harms' way when she was barely starting to feel like herself again.
"Here you go sis," said a voice as they handed her a thick branch.
"Thank you," she replied as she took it. She re-focused her attention on Kouga. "Do you think you can open his mouth?"
"What?"
"Open his mouth, to put the stick."
He could.
He was not sure it was wise, but he could.
Kouga shifted his grip and then, forcefully held his friend's mouth opened. Quite rapidly, Kagome shoved the branch in there and then snatched her hand away. She was not convinced that this was the way to go, but she was hoping it might help. Plus, the seizure had already began to die down. He was not jumping and thrashing around as much as he was earlier and Kouga was no longer holding him down. Considering he had foam forming in the edge of his mouth and that his skin was pale and wet, she did not think this was directly done by Naraku. This was his fault but not as directly as they all might think. It was his poison. Which meant it could also be her fault. Perhaps it was when she purified the darkness in him; she left him prey to the poison inside of him.
Had she basically killed him instead of saving him?
"What is that?"
"Poison," she answered, guilt filling her throat.
"What poison?" Kouga asked as he put himself between her and Kei, acting as a barrier.
"The poison from Naraku."
"Why is it only acting up now?"
"It's probably been poisoning him for a while, but - we - we didn't notice." She could not have truly noticed since she was not quite around the other pack members but… Kouga would blame himself for not noticing. Although it was her fault he was not around them all. She was taking up too much of his time and now it was impacting everybody's life.
How did he miss this? How did one of his own pack member get this sick without him noticing? Was it not enough that he had lost a part of them? Now, he had to become a useless leader on top of it all? He was supposed to notice when things were different, he was supposed to know when someone was not feeling well. He felt his hands crisp by his sides and they trembled as rage flooded his blood. Fuck. This was not right.
"Is he gonna die?"
He was the only survivor of the brutal attack - and though at times Kouga was not convinced that he could trust him, it did not mean that he wanted him to die. The decision had not been made, nothing had been thought through. He could not go like this. Kei was a major key to everything that was happening and most of all, he was member of the pack. He could not be left behind like this.
"I-i don't know." She wanted to give him a better answer but she could not. She did not know enough. She was not in control of her powers enough and she lacked the medicine she had on the other side of the well. She had begun to learn about plants and herbs here but it was not enough, not yet. She was powerless. All she could do was sit there, completely useless as to how to lessen the pain for Kei and for Kouga.
"Get some water," he yelled at whoever could hear him. "Cold water." He was burning hot and though his seizing had lessened, he was covered in sweat and the foam at the corner of his mouth was not going away. He would do what he taught was right. "And someone get something to wipe his mouth. And get some herbs."
He was not familiar with Naraku's poison. All he knew was that the bastard killed everything he touched.
He was not about let him kill his pack one by one.
-E-
"How is he?"
"He hasn't let his side," Hakkaku replied with a sigh.
He was leaning against the nearest cave wall, keeping a watchful eye on contact. He knew his leader was quite preoccupied by the state their friend was in and that he would let too much of his guard down. He took it upon himself to make sure Kouga and the rest of the pack would be okay. He was also keeping an eye on Kagome. Kouga would never forgive him or himself if anything happened to her. He needed to take away as much stress as he could so that Kouga could focus on what mattered. He had a a big weight on his shoulders lately and they were all devastated by it.
They were glad he had Kagome though.
Kagome had also decided to give Kouga some distance. Also, her reasons were a bit more selfish. It was her fault this whole mess had happened in the first place. If she had not tried to do something she knew nothing about, it might not have ended up like this. Although she knew how Naraku used the shards and how he used people to do his dirty biddings. Did she truly have any other choice? And why could she not help him? Why was her control of her own powers so crap? Kikyo did it all so flawlessly and Kagome could not even manage the basics. She should be better by now but she was not.
And now she was hopeless to help Kouga.
"You know, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you there." Everybody had given him his distance but Kagome was not everybody. Plus, Kouga was going through the motions of wetting Kei's forehead and giving him mushed up herbs. A task he said he had to do himself because it was his responsibilities. It might be good if Kagome was there to help him so that he would not just be going through the motions.
"I don't think I belong there."
"You're his woman." And now they were saying it with more conviction than before. "You'll always belong here, and you'll always belong by his side."
Except, she no longer knew where she belonged and apparently even Kouga doubted that fact. She should have waited to tell him - then again, she did not know more death was coming their way but she should have expected it. Things had been quiet for too long. She was surprised Naraku had no shown up by now. She was so weak, and she could be so easily taken. And the worst part was that Kouga would put himself in harm's way if it meant defending her. And she did not want him risking her life for her. He had too many people who needed him.
She was mostly dead weight and trouble.
"I don't feel that way."
She felt something for him. That much was clear. But she did not feel like she belonged. She wrecked everything she touched from the very beginning, from her very first days here. She had broken the jewel, she had - she had screwed up everything for everyone. This would not be any different. Her own fear was stopping her and she was frightened of herself. She had gotten so many people hurt and - if she had never broken the jewel, Naraku could not use them to control people like his own personal puppets. It all began with her.
While she was in the midst of her thoughts, Ginta grabbed her and began pushing her forward. The little jerk her body did pulled her out of her thoughts and she immediately tried to still herself.
"I don't know why you're guilty. I don't think you have anything reason to be," he explained as he pushed her forward regardless of her struggles. "But I know that he needs you more than you know. He needs you more than he'll ever say." And Kouga was not shy about his feelings. But admitting that he needed someone as much as he needed Kagome? That would show more weakness than he was allowed to show as a leader. "Don't leave him alone."
They were putting this pressure on her, as though she could save them all. As though she could save him. Did they not see that she did not have it in her to save everybody? She tried. She tried so hard to help every person she came across and most of the time, it worked. But then, there was some damage, some casualties. Everybody was losing someone.
She could not fix the world.
She was not even able to keep the jewel together.
But her protests fell on deaf ears. Hakkaku kept pushing her, until her feet were kicking the ground beneath her and at that point she had no more choice. The sounds had attracted Kouga's attention and now his blue eyes were locked on her. His gaze was different but she had seen it once before; when he returned from losing most of the people in his pack. It was the same desperation, the same look of giving up. At that point, he had put his own life on the back burner. And she could not allow him to go back to that. She dropped to her knees, ignoring the stabbing pain that came from the hard impact, and she kneeled in front of him. She gripped his face with her hands, bringing it close to her, their noses brushing against each other.
"I'll take care of him." She was responsible for this. She could do this. There was no way for her to make it worse right?
"I have to do this."
"Go on a round. Go walk, go hunt." She was not quite sure what they did, or everything they ate now that they had changed their alimentation. But she knew he could not stay here hating himself.
"I don't want to." His voice was harsher than usual as he did his best to keep his grip on himself. Everything was falling apart piece by piece. Kei was dying in front of him, and yet he was no closer to getting Naraku. He was no closer to the revenge he had promised his pack. What the fuck had he been doing? "He's killing my tribe, Kagome."
"I know, and we'll get him for that."
"When? When there's nobody left?"
Her heart broke at his words and his shattered voice rumbled her through her very core. "Kouga, he won't get everybody." She broke the gaze to look down at Kei. "He won't get him. He looks better." He did not look as though he was about to go run a marathon but his skin had recovered some of its color. The fact that his state had not worsened was a good thing in itself. He was a youkai and he was strong. Perhaps he was able to fight against the poison. She had seen other youkais come through. He could do it too - she needed to believe in that. It was the only way she could make him believe it as well.
"What if he doesn't? What if he dies too?"
Then he would have lost them all. Not even one of them could be saved.
This was bringing back the Kouga she had brought back to the surface. She could not do it again. She could not pull him back up again. Actually, she could not allow him to return to those depths again. She pulled herself away from his face and focused her attention on Hakkaku who was still watching them from afar. "Hakkaku, take care of Kei."
"I'm taking care of Kei," he said with a low growl.
Hakkaku could not help the smirk on his face; she was going to be one heck of an alpha bitch if she kept up that attitude. It was good, Kouga needed someone who could challenge his stupid ass. He loved him to death but sometimes, he was a moron. Like now. Even he knew not to argue with Kagome.
"Well, now it's Hakkaku's turn."
"No it isn't."
"Don't be selfish," she finally shouted. If he was not going to listen to reason, she would have to go the hard way. "You think you're the only one who's worried about him?" She pointed at Hakkaku. "Everyone is. Now let him take care of him and come with me."
She grabbed his hand and felt a slight resistance. "And it isn't a question or a suggestion."
She rose to her feet, her legs slightly wobbly and she used all the strength she had to pull on his arm in the hopes of bringing him back up. This time, he let her pull him - he even helped. His heart was torn in two. He could not fail to his duties - he had done that too many times already. But he also did not want to let her down. He was like a man being dragged to his death as he helped her take himself away. She was not strong enough to pull his body and he did not want her hurting again because of him. One injured person was more than enough and if Kagome was ever hurt because of him - he - he would die.
Soon enough, they were back into the den. He thought she would drag him to the furs, he thought she would force him to sleep it off but she did none of that. Instead, he found himself pressed to the cave's wall, her tiny body snuggled against his. She buried her face in his chest, her slender arms wrapping themselves around his waist. He could feel her small hands palming at his back as though she needed to hold him to live. It took him a second to recover but once he did, he returned the gesture by offering her the protection of his embrace. His chin rested on the top of her head and he felt the small tremble on her body.
"I'm sorry, it's my fault," she mumbled, her voice muffled by his skin.
"What?"
"It's my fault he's hurt."
He wanted nothing more than to pull her face away so that he could look at her but he did not dare. She had found safety in his hold and he wanted her to hold on to that feeling. "Kagome, you saved him."
"What if I only made it worse?"
"You couldn't. He would have been dead without you."
Guilt.
That was the unfamiliar scent he had been scenting upon her. She felt guilty. And his heart shattered. Because Kagome had never done a single thing wrong and the last thing she should be carrying around was such a burden.
"I did it, I brought Naraku, I broke the jewel, I -"
"He did this to himself, he is the monster. He took advantage." His voice was lace with anger but it was not directed towards her. It was towards that monster that was now taking away Kagome's livelihood. He would not let him do that to her. "You're the kindest person I've ever met. You fight for the people you love." And she fought for him, for his sanity and for his wellbeing.
Because she cared about him.
"I mess up everything."
Don't cry. It was what she was repeating to herself. But she was tired - so tired. The past little while had been draining emotionally and physically and on some days she felt like she was hanging by a thread. The guilt was too much and she was scared she was losing her light, the light that made her purify the jewel shards. She was not the same person anymore.
This time he had no choice. He rose his hands to her neck and gently scooped her jaw, forcing her to look at him. "You could never do anything wrong." He used his thumb to wipe away a tear, sighing at the sight in front of him. Tear. He did not want to be the one to make her cry. He needed to be the one who made her feel love and happy. This was all wrong, his whole life was all wrong.
"I can, and I have."
He tilted his head backwards and went against what he said he would do. He was supposed to be there for his pack, he was supposed to fix the wrongs. He would fix the wrongs within her first. He did not think about it twice as he planted his lips on hers. He tasted her mouth, the saltiness of her tears - he took it all in. And she did not fight him. She melted against him as he nibbled on her bottom lip, refusing to ever let her go. If she could not see what he saw, he would make her feel it. His fingers slid down to her waist, fingertips digging into the flesh as he pushed his body against hers. He used his new found hold to shift their position until she was the one leaning into the wall. And she let him do it all.
His body was on fire as her hands gripped at his biceps, looking for a place to hold. He wanted those soft fingers all over him. Once her lips were swollen and bruised, he moved down to her neck, trailing along the place he wanted to leave a mark. A powerful scent of arousal filled his nose and he let his fangs drag around her neck. She shivered in his arms, wetness spreading between her legs. She meant to move her hands, she meant to say stop, but she could not. Her body was on fire. All of her was on fire. Her head was spinning from the lack of sleep, the lack of food and the drain of the past few days. His mouth was everywhere and her entire skin was numbed by his ministrations. She forgot how to breathe, she forgot how to move.
All she could do was feel. His tongue was warm as he licked the top of her breasts, forcing her to heave. Her hands moved up to his shoulders, wrapping all around him. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, unable to hold her own head up. "K-kouga," she breathed out.
He did not want her to ask him to stop. He did not want to tear himself from her. When he was in her arms, he forgot about everything and he had a lot he wanted to forget. He almost begged but he knew he could not. He could not ask more than she was willing to give - even if he wanted everything.
Her nipples were pressing against the fabric and they were so painfully hard that she wanted to cry. She could feel the goosebumps spreading, her body under his magic. The whole point of her dragging him away was to not let him lose to the darkness inside of him. Instead, he was trying to fix her. It was about him, it had to be about him. But it was so difficult to think. His gestures had more impact on her now that she had relinquished whatever held her back. She had even been completely honest with him - about her blurry feelings and about where she came from - and he still wanted her.
He did not want her for her body.
He wanted her for her.
He wanted her for who she was, for who he was with her.
And it was heartbreaking.
She felt him pull away and a part of her knew she could not let him leave. She found herself grasping at his fingers, holding him in place. He barely put up any kind of resistance against her. Instead, he let himself lean into her.
"Kagome," he whispered back, much like she had said his own name.
He needed her to tell him he could go forward. He needed her to tell him that he could taste more than he had ever tasted before. He could not do it without her approval - and he could not push her away from him.
It had taken everything to reach this moment.
He could not let it slip away.
He would not win her tonight, he would not change their whole relationship but - he could show her how much he felt for her and he could show her that she was more than she thought she was.
If he helped her, he might be able to help himself. He might be able to be the leader his people needed him to be.
"Kouga," she mumbled. Her heart was racing, pressing so painfully against her rib cage that she feared it might shatter. She was deafened by her heartbeat, deafened by the blood pumping in her veins. Her lips were dry, her throat was clammed up and she did not know if she could find her voice in the midst of all of this. But she did. "Yes." He barely heard it. It was a tiny musical sound to his sensitive ears. But once it was pronounced, she had sealed her fate and his at the same time. He repeated the sound in his head over and over again.
And he plunged in without any hesitation.
-E-
- 16
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- 18
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