Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 16
- 17
- 18
A/N: I really need to thank the many people who shared the situation of depression with me. I need it's a hard struggle, it's one I am in myself. And some days are darker than others and sometimes, it unable you from doing anything - even the things you love. It's a fight that never seems to end and I know how hard it is to fight. So never give up people, and even if it hasn't yet, it'll get better.
Also, I don't know what the hell happened but... I really really went overboard and wrote a way bigger chapter than usual so ENJOY?
Red Lotus
Chapter 17: The Promulgation
"Did you bring it?"
"Yes."
"Do you want to share it?"
Yes. No.
Her eyes shifted and she glanced at her yellow backpack. It rested by the leather couch, nearly empty which caused it to fold on itself. Inside, there was her sketchbook. During the first session, Dr. Izu asked Kagome about her hobbies. There were not many which forced her to include drawing in the list or she would have not mentioned anything at all. She looked them over last night and nothing gave away her past but - well she was about to get analyzed and she was not sure how comfortable she was with the whole thing yet. She knew she had to make progress, she knew she had to open up but she did not know how to do it for the time being. Nonetheless, it was too late; she brought them and she agreed it to it all.
She inhaled before bending forward and snatching her bag up from the handle. It landed on her black pants covered lap and she slowly unzipped it before pulling it out her sketchbook. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with the pages, trying to open it.
"You don't have to show me everything."
There were many to begin with; if she began to hide a few, there would be nothing to show. She turned the first page and revealed her drawing of the well. Grabbing the edge, she flip it around and showed it to Dr. Izu.
"It's very nice."
"It's the well, by my house." She shook her head. "I mean - at my family's shrine."
Dr. Izu tilted her head to the side, clearly intrigued by her stammering.
"I - I used to spend a lot of time, there. It was peaceful." Actually it was a time of war and youkais and what not but, it was home.
"Do you still go sometimes?"
"No."
She did not go anywhere. She stayed home and she did absolutely nothing. She hated all those questions. She did come to realize there were a few things wrong with herself. However, every time they spoke, every time she asked a question she became conscious of how lonely and miserable her life was. She did not see any other people, she did not speak with anyone and she certainly never did anything. When did her life end up like that? She could not remember the transition and at this point, she could barely remember what her life was like when she did not feel this empty.
"I've only been able to really walk around on my own…very recently."
"Do you plan on going?"
"I- I haven't thought about it." There were too many painful memories associated with it. She did not need to go back there and be reminded of everything she lost her.
A quiet silence installed itself between them and Kagome was the one who decided to break it. She turned the next page, the sketchbook facing Dr. Izu. At that point, it was too late to flip the page quickly. She saw it. The black page with a speck of white in the middle. It was a memory, one she wished she could forget but - she could not. It would stay with her forever.
"And what is that?"
Lying would be quite difficult this time. "I-it's a place, I saw myself locked inside. It was - It was like a bubble." The jewel. "I couldn't find a way out. I was surrounded…"
"By darkness?"
She nodded. When Naraku locked her inside the jewel, she saw a world without hope, a devastating reality. Back then, she had no reason to believe it because there was so much positive around her, so much to give her hope. It no longer was the case and the dreams of that place stayed with her. How could she forget them, how could she ever chase away that feeling of pure hopelessness? Her own thoughts had a darkness they never had before. Together, they mingled and created this terrible bubble of sadness around her, around her brain. There was no escape from this; there was technically but she never found the door, the exit from the mess that was her head. Instead, it became everything she knew.
"Why is there light?"
It was the hope that saved her in the end. She should have given up, she should have stayed in the fake world but instead, in the end, she decided to trust in everything she always believed. It brought her salvation. It was a dark place that haunted her but there was always that light, just like the light she had now. Unfortunately, she used to trust in herself. Now the only light in her life was him and she felt it was a downwards spiral.
"Because there's always hope if you look hard enough."
"Do you have hope?"
"Some days." She slouched into the couch, the hem of her oversize blue shirt rising past her shoulders. "I want to. Some days, I feel like - like back then." She was used to strange things being a reality for her, a normal one. "But then, I think about it - and -"
"And?"
Her stomach churned. "I was okay with all the sacrifices." Her chest tightened and she felt her insides quivering. "I'm alive. I should be okay with whatever life I end up with because - it's better than being dead."
"But you're not happy?"
"I am happy." Sesshomaru treated her well, he offered her a life, privacy and she was free to make whatever choices she pleased. She came here and he did not even ask about her disappearance. Her life was her own and he refused to have any impact on it. "Something's missing." Love. She would lay with him, she would be with him, but it would all be as empty as she felt.
"In your life or in your marriage?"
She held her breath, her eyes widening. She did not even mention Sesshomaru. Actually, she spent most of the time trying to avoid the issue altogether. It came with too many lies and she did not know how much of a poker face she could put on. How could she tell? "In my life."
Dr. Izu nodded, clearly not believing her and it only made Kagome's blood race with stress.
"You never mention your husband."
She wet her lips before she hardly and obviously swallowed. "I don't have a problem with him."
Izu nodded before crossing her legs. "You called your mother's home your home. You have something missing in your life but it has nothing to do with him. You never, ever mention him in any of your problems or even when you re-call happy moments he's not in any of them."
No - he… he was not. She was a newlywed who never spoke about her husband. How could she? Their first meeting was not the romantic story they told at his workplace; he tried to kill her. Then, in all the times she spent in the feudal era, they rarely ever had an encounter that was positive. Sometimes, there were a few rescues but it was never anything close to a friendship. Even their meeting in the modern era had nothing romantic about it; she was an obligation, something he was forced to do because of his honor. He had no feelings for her. Even when he touched her, lite her body on fire; it was not because he wanted to do it. Yes, he bought her dresses, he worried that she wallowed in self pity and he tried to get her out sometimes. But he did not love her. And she did not love him. How could she talk about it?
"I just, I moved in very recently. And - I he's not any of my problems…"
"But? Why did you get married?"
"Because we loved each other and we thought I was gonna die. We just - wanted to spend time together before it was too late." God, even she could hear the fakeness of her own voice. And even if Dr. Izu missed that, it was hard to miss the puddle of sweats forming under her armpits. She was lying and it made her nervous.
"So you got married thinking you were going to die but then you did not?"
Her bottom lip trembled. "Yes - but, we were okay if I didn't die." And that was not a lie. He marked her to save her life, knowing he would be tied to her as long as she lived. "He wanted to save me, he didn't want me to d-die."
"How do you see your future?"
"My future?"
"With your husband."
A future with Sesshomaru? She never thought about it. She thought she would either be a torn in his side or she would leave when he would chase her out of his apartment. That was no future. Regardless of the outcome between her and Sesshomaru, she had not thought about the future in a long time because she never thought she would have a future in the first place.
"Do you want children?"
The word hit her like a slap on the face. Children. She always thought about them, how could she not? She was only fifteen when she took in Shippo after he lost his dad. She was young back then and not truly a mother figure to him but she considered him like one of her own. She loved him, she cared for him. She always thought she would be a mother one day; she was always comfortable around children. She wanted them and she thought that was one more thing that was taken from her. Ever since she was given a second chance, it did cross her mind a few times, in a passing thoughts. Nonetheless, she did not think it would happen. Would she be able to be with someone? The more the bond grew, the more she doubted it and who else would she have children with? It was not going to happen with Sesshomaru.
"We're not planning on it."
"I'm not asking about we, I asked if you wanted children."
She sank into the couch, her heart hammering. She wanted to say no, lie like she did many times. Except, she was voiceless and she felt the tears forming in her eyes. And with one expression and not a single word, she gave it all away. She gave Dr. Izu reason to think she was not happy with Sesshomaru and that the whole marriage might be falling apart. Unfortunately she could not explain it to her.
"He doesn't."
"We - we haven't talked about it."
"But you're not planning on having children without discussing it?"
"I just know." He was only going to sleep with her because he had to - he certainly would not be having any children with her. On top of that, she had not forgotten his hatred of hanyous.
"And it doesn't bother you?"
Kagome shook her head. It killed her inside but - it was her sacrifice. He risked a lot for her, he made himself uncomfortable and he had to do all the things he did not want to do only because he saved her life. It cost him a lot to be with a human, to eventually lay with one, and she would give back the same sacrifice. She would not have the one thing she wanted to have. It would be an arrangement where nobody would win but where everybody lived.
Dr. Izu remained silence, watching her face and probably observing every single emotions passing through her face. Kagome was an open book and no matter what she did, she could not hide the way she felt. All she could was hope her lies went along with whatever feeling she was showing.
"How did you meet Sesshomaru?"
Kagome laid her palms flat against her lap, her back rigid with the stress of lies.
Another day, another lie.
-R-
"Come eat lunch with us!"
Sesshomaru resisted the urge or being disgraceful by rolling his eyes at the man's annoying request. Every day he worked, he had to eat lunch like a normal human being; if he always skipped it, people might get suspicious. Unfortunately the way to live in this world was to blend in with these idiots and he had to go through the motions no matter how much it displeased him. However, he usually found a corner, opened a book and ate by himself away from all the morons. He had to work with them and it was enough; he did not need to be having discussions about their mindless problems. Also, he tried to stay away from their disgusting subjects of conversation; it had a very bad effect on him and his dreams.
"I'm fine," he uttered, never raising his head from his book.
"Come on, you're a married man now. You gotta have some things to complain about."
"I'm fine."
Despite Sesshomaru's clear response, the man did not seem to get it. Instead he grabbed his own tupperware and grabbed a chair beside Sesshomaru. He sat down beside him, putting his lunch on the grey table, a smile on his face. "Come one, we won't judge ya. We know she's sick but it doesn't mean that you can't let off some steam."
As if on cue, other men began to gather around his table and he felt his pulsing point on his temple throb with rage. They were humans. If they were youkais they would sense the flare in his aura and they would be running in the other direction as fast as they could. Instead, they were completely baffled by his human disguise and they were sitting around him despite the fact that he could snap all of their necks in a split second. He was forced to close his book and set it aside. They were clearly not going anywhere. His second urge was to get up and walk away from them but he did not want to attract the attention on himself. He also did not need any trouble with the boss because of those stupid idiots.
"So, how are you enjoying the married life?"
"It's fine."
His three responses so far were basically the same thing and yet none of them were getting the hint.
"Hey, at least you don't have to worry about stupid shit. She won't be asking for stuff like are you ready for kids?"
Kids. That idea did not even cross his mind before. Why would he think about children? He supposed Rin counted as a daughter. She was not truly his own but he looked after her until she became an adult. He visited her many times once she had children of her own and he kept on visiting until the day she died. Because like all humans, she died. He knew he needed an heir but he always knew Kagome would not be the one to give it to him. She was not the mother he had in mind; not that she would be a bad mother. Clearly she had some skills in the domain but - no. He would not be having any children with Kagome.
But it was not something he would be telling them because it was none of their damn business and he did not want to make friends with them.
"Yeah, mine wants a dog."
"Fuck, I hate dogs."
He quirked an eyebrow but kept his mind shut. Yeah he had an idea why the idiot hate dogs; dogs probably hated him and for a good reason. Idiotic moron.
"Mine has cats."
"Do you have pets?"
"No."
He did not need a dog in his apartment; he was not looking after something else. Also, cats were completely out of the question. He had his problem with members of the feline persuasion and he would never let one in his home.
"No kids, no pets. You got the life."
Oh yes, he had the life indeed. He was a prey to his own instincts, his body betrayed him and he was tangled in this whole mess with Kagome. However, there was one difference between him and all of those humans men. He did not gather around in a circle like a cave men, complaining. He made all of his life choices, he decided everything he did, obligation or not, and even though it drove him crazy at time, but he did not complain to them or Kagome. He kept all of his secrets to himself and he dealt with his problems on his own.
He took the last bite of his lunch and then grabbed his plate along with this book. Then, he got up and without a word, he left them. He got a few looks but they seemed to consider he was part of their conversation and they let it slide. Humans could be easily fooled. At least now he knew why he did not want to be around them. They brought more confusion and rage within his head. His hands were gripping the edge of his book while he made it back to his cubicle. He passed through everyone's little offices, all decorated with pictures and drawings clearly made by children. Why did they all speak of it? For them having children meant nothing; they were nothing. They were humans and their lives were fleeting. They were so many of them that even if one did not have children it would make no difference in their legacy.
He was different.
An heir was needed because he was all that was left. The only one who could carry the line.
Inuyasha had children but he was already hanyou and he had children with a human. Who had children with humans and so on. Nobody in Inuyasha's branch of the tree ever had children with youkais. By now, their blood was so diluted that, it no longer held any of the proud youkai blood it once had. It was fine. It was his half-brother's choice and his children's decisions. He could not be this reckless. He had to have an heir, someone that would carry on the name and the blood of his father. He was not foolish enough to think his child would be full blood. The longer he waited, the less that option was viable. In the end, his situation might be the same as Inuyasha, but he would try to preserve as much of their blood as he could.
He was not having a child for the sake of having one, because it was a desire of his. It was his responsibility.
It was the same thing as his father having him. He only had him because it was his duty. He never loved his mother because love did not have anything to do with it. He had a responsibility and he took care of it.
Sesshomaru was the same way.
Although, it was true that he took his time because the need never arose. Nobody held his attention, nobody actually provided a reaction out of him. This situation was different since the bond was affecting his reaction to Kagome but did not mean anything. He would wait to have his heir until the situation was not required out of him and when he would find the appropriate person to be the mother of his child.
Until then, until Kagome was alive, he would wait.
-R-
The sun was low in the sky by the time Sesshomaru arrived home. He had expected Kagome to be sitting on the couch or be locked in her room by the time he arrived from work. However, he found the apartment completely empty with no sign of her presence. She was gone again. It was the second time this week. She had asked for the number of the insurance and then he saw her leave. He did not ask because it did not concern him. Nonetheless, he would be lying if he said it did not intrigue him at all. He told her to live her life as she wished and he intended on respecting that. He would not ask because if she wished to know, she would tell him. If she had not shared her recent activities it was because it was none of his business - it was the same way he felt about his colleagues.
It was getting late by the time he heard the handle twist open and the sound of keys jiggling. She popped into the apartment, her ponytail messy and a coat of sweat covering her body. Her eyes were darting and her breaths were huffed. She closed the door behind her and finally made eye contact with him. She stared at him, clearly expecting him to ask her a few questions but he did none of that. Instead, he resumed typing away on his laptop as though it was completely normal, because it was.
"Sorry, I'm late," she said she dropped her bag by the side of the desk.
She meant to arrive earlier but her mother was stuck and Kagome had to wait for her to pick her up. She could have called Sesshomaru but she did not want to bother him with something that had nothing to do with him. Also, the bus was out of the question since she was not familiar with the area where Sesshomaru lived, she did not know which bus to take. Because of that, she was unable to arrive before he actually arrived home. Obviously, it would not bother him but she thought the proper thing to do was apologize. He might have worried about her and her safety since she did not inform him she would be leaving the house.
"You do not owe me an apology."
"Still," she said as she fanned herself with her hands. She rushed up the stairs and it might have been one of the worst idea she had. She clearly overestimated the kind of energy she was. Running up stairs was not part of the things she could do yet.
She marched in direction of the kitchen, opening the fridge, her eyes scanning the options. She was not very hungry but she knew if she did not eat it would not help her. Her appointment with her therapist was not very good. The more they went into the topic of Sesshomaru, the more she became a nervous wreck. How was she supposed to keep a straight face in front of her now? It was clear she knew something was up, even though she did not know just how bad it was. Eventually, if she kept this up, she would need a lot more answers and she did not know how to give them. No, the problem with herself was not all about Sesshomaru but his presence in her life did affect her. If she wanted to fix herself, she would have to deal with it. And the inevitable fact that she would sleep with him.
Even now, she only took one glance at him and she felt the effects. Sesshomaru was always proper, dressed without a flaw in his clothes. This time, he was sitting at the desk with the top button of his white shirt open and his blue tie slightly loosened. There was something on his mind; there had to be or he would not be like this. He was not a mess but in the Sesshomaru equivalence he almost was. Clearly he would not share with her and she would not blame him because she was doing the same exact thing. There was no real reason to keep it from him and if he did ask, she would tell him. Even though he would probably think it was a bad idea. But she would not lie to him. She would omit until he asked. And he would never ask.
She grabbed an apple from the refrigerator and then closed it. She took a bite before leaning over the counter. It was strange; leaving the house and then returning. She almost felt like a normal person. It might be one little event but it got her out of the house which never happened to her. Online classes. A relationship with Sesshomaru. All of it involved staying stuck in the house and never experiencing the sunshine on her skin. She watched him as he typed away, probably working from home like he often did. It did make her notice that he was a little bit like her. He never got out of the house, except for work, he followed the same routine all the time and he never did anything that involved going out into the world.
But he was not like her.
He did not need human contact, he never did. He almost always traveled alone and he did not seem that he was someone who trusted many people. Actually, he did not look like he needed contact with others. He was quiet and kept to himself.
Meanwhile, Sesshomaru could hear her chewing while she stared at him intensively. Why was she doing that? Could it be that whatever she did outside of the house had something to do with him? Or - or was it something similar to his wretched dream that forced him to soil his sheets? The part of his dream was not wrong; Kagome never demanded anything from him, no matter her need. He did catch her taking care of the problem herself when she could have come to him. After all, he did come to her when the need showed up and was too much to handle. Except for recently. No, now he was trying to keep a distance between them. It was hard to do that when he could feel her eyes on him.
Already, he felt the familiar twitch in his pants and he felt a rage spread through him. He had this reaction only because she was looking at him? It was not right. It should not take such a small thing to bring a reaction out of him. And yet, there he was clenching his hand into a fist. He pressed his lips until they turned white and he closed his eyes, taking in a deep breathe.
Kagome let her apple drop on the counter, her lips parting at the same time. Her eyes shone and glossed over while she found herself unable to look away from him. She did not even want to be staring at him. However, she felt a pull, a need to close the distance between them. She felt nothing and then, suddenly it overwhelmed her. It started in the pit of her stomach and now it made her chest flush red. She raised a hand and touched her lips, her chest heaving while her heart pounded. She had to grip the counter to prevent herself from taking a step forward. She had to look away from him and forget the desire rising through her. It had been a rough couple of days and it would be normal that her instinct would be to find comfort in his arms. The bond wanted that; they should want to be together.
The only situation would be to go lock herself in her room.
She licked her lips and forced her eyelids shut. Once the contact was broken, it became slightly easier to breathe. She took a few seconds to gather herself and then she pulled away from the counter, her fingers still crisped from the way she held on. Her steps were slow and she tried to keep herself quiet even if he could hear her no matter what she did. She simply wanted to keep the attention away from herself. If he looked at her, he would be able to tell and she did not want him to know how she was feeling.
Except he did see her.
From the corner of his eye he saw her begin to walk towards her bedroom. It was hard to miss the flush on her face; she was so pale. Her whole body was stiff and she was barely breathing every time she moved. His blood was rushing downwards and he could tell that the reason why it was getting worst and worst; she was feeling it too and it was throwing the feelings back in his face even more intensively. He was right; his desire came from hers. Perhaps his sleeping mind could process information about the situation better than his awake brain. The best decision would be to stay sitting down, despite the fact that he would no longer be able to work, his mind too distracted. And she did do what he expected her to do; she was hiding herself in her bedroom where she might take care of the problem on her own.
Because he would be able to ignore that right.
He did so well the last time.
Images began to flash through his mind and he held back the rumble that wanted to roar from his throat. It was over; he was done. He was already erect and uncomfortable and there was no way this was going away. He managed to make it days without touching her, without tasting her and now his strike was over? He was going to have to follow her into her bedroom. He punched the side of the desk, feeling some of the wood crack beneath his skin. He was screwed. His chest was puffing while he breathed and he forced himself up. His sight was hazed while he headed for her door. He did not knock, he did not ask for permission. He opened it and he saw her jump, startled, as he marched in her direction.
He was looking at her like she was his prey and it only increase the desire building inside of her. She remained standing up, never breaking the eye contact. He kept walking towards her and her skin began to sizzle. He did not really want her; he simply could not help himself. And she did nothing to stop him when he put his hands on her waist, his tall height hovering over her. She could not move, she could not breathe; he was going to kiss her and she wanted him to do it. It had been a while since he touched her and now her body was craving the attention that it had been denied. It wanted to make up for the loss time and she could hardly stop the desire surging through her. She wanted his hands on her.
And he gave her what she wanted.
He leaned forward and he captured her lips with his own.
She lost herself in the taste of his lips, leaning forward, wanting more of the contact. It was full of lust and none of the feelings were present and yet it did not mean anything to either of them.
He went to her on an impulse. It was not calculated and he was giving in way too quickly. He should be slowing it down but it was the same thing as when he left her for days. He kept too much locked inside and now he was paying the price. Why did part of him knew it would come to this and yet he did nothing to prevent this situation from happening?
The tip of his fingers slid under her shirt and he felt the softness of her skin under his touch and he twitched in his pants. He exhaled against her lips, his breathe tickling her. His lips were away from hers, it was the time to walk away. It was the time to let go of her and go back to his own room. Touch himself if he had to but walk away from her no matter the cost. But her tiny hands were there, resting on his arms, squeezing him, keeping him lock in place even though she did not have the strength to keep him there. He stayed and dove in again. This time, he did not go for her lips, he went for her neck. He lapped at it, feeling the dent of her mark underneath his tongue. He nibbled at it and he felt her turn into a puddle in his arms. Her knees buckled and desire flushed through her body, her skin heating under his touch.
His hands rose up, following the trail of her spine. He meant to keep his mind clear but instead, all he thought about was the dream he had; Kagome on her knees, her lips wrapped around his cock. His nostrils flared, and the memories were enough to let his control slip a little. He was Sesshomaru, he kept control, he did not mingle naked with anyone. He was not going to be subdue by anything. And yet, desire pulsed through his head and he needed it. He needed his fantasy to become reality, he needed more than a few touch of her arms and the taste of her lips. This was the one situation he feared might happen. If he let this built up too much, he would lose complete control. In order to keep a little control, to keep in charge of the situation, he would have to willingly relinquish a little bit of it.
It was the only way to not lose himself completely and it was completely foreign territory. He did not like it.
Yet, he did it, he let himself slip. He used his grip on her and began backing her against the bed. Before she even had time to breathe, he dropped her on the bed, himself on top of her. Her eyes darted, observing his face, probably searching for an answer to everything that was happening. Instead of giving her one, he went back to her neck, letting his fangs graze on her neck. She quaked under him and the scent of her arousal filled his nose. She enjoyed it. Of course she would; she was under the same spell he was. It was impossible for her not to react to his touch.
Kagome buried her nose in his hair, choking, unable to breathe. There was a pressure on her chest and she felt herself suffocate. Her head was spinning. He never touch her like this before. All of his touches were calculated and whenever he felt himself losing control, he stopped. This time, it was new. She did not know where this was headed, she did not know what he was expecting from her and wanted she wanted to give it all. She never felt this way before; she was out of control. He touched her before and she went along with it but it was always a followed plan. Every time, she wanted something from him, she took care of it herself. This time, the urge that was wrapping around her head, she let it win.
He pushed his hands further up her back, causing her shirt to rise up past her navel, revealing her stomach to him. He should not like this, it should not excite him but it did. He removed his lips from her neck and instead, focused on this new little place. He put his lips on her skin, watching her arch her back. This low, he could smell her and he growled against her flesh. The sound rumbled through her and she shivered. He dared to higher and higher until the shirt was barely covering her breasts and he could see the underside of them. They were much smaller than before but it did not mean they caused his lost to decrease; it was quite the opposite. He had not gone that far yet and he should stopped it but - but he had to give a little to retain what he had.
While he kept his face against her heated skin, he raised his gaze and looked into her eyes. "May I?" he whispered.
She wanted to speak but for the second time that day, she was voiceless and instead, she nodded. Part of her thought she would die if he did not give her more. It was the same deal as always and despite some of the feelings it might arise in her, it was worst to deny herself this than to do this without love. This was more painful because it was beginning to be more than her body that needed it, it was her mind. Lately, they talked less, they saw less of each other because of what was happening, but before they realized what was the bond was doing to them, they talked, they did activities together and he even lifted her spirits when he did not need to. There was a reason why he was the pillar in her life why, he gave her a reason to go on by comparing her as a youkai.
Now, they had less of a psychological relationship then before.
But this also made them closer to each other.
Finally, the dreaded moment arrived and he used his hand to push the shirt above her breasts. Her soft pink nipples were erect and they became his target. He inched himself forward until he was close enough to capture it in his mouth. He wrapped his lips around it, licking it and tugging at it. She pushed her body into his, a loud moan escaping her lips. She twisted her body in pleasure beneath his and he kept going. He wanted to taste everything about her; it was becoming an addiction that he needed to feed. He removed one of his hands from her back and moved it to her breast, kneading it. He could feel her dampness growing by the second, soaking right through her underwear.
Kagome found herself grabbing at his shirt, trying to find something, anything, to hold on to and help her bear the way his touch overwhelmed her. She was usually shy, she kept to herself but this time she wanted to take from him. It would make her feel better. Her hands were trembling, both because of the stress and the feelings that he provided her with, and she managed to grab at the second button of his shirt. Her actions caused him to stop in the middle of his. He felt her fingers clasping against the button and then she waited.
"Ma-y- I?"
Her question was not asked with as much confidence as his but he did not miss the little playfulness she used by imitating him.
"Yes," he replied, staring right into her eyes.
He often touched her but she did not often do it.
Sesshomaru pulled himself away from her which allowed her to sit up. In that new position, it was easier for her to slowly begin undoing his buttons one by one. Slowly, she revealed his chiseled chest. She could not tear her eyes away from him and she barely managed to keep her hands steady until she reached the end. Once it was done she raised her hands up and tugged it off his shoulders, watching it slide off his arms. It dropped on the floor and she held her breathe. She always knew he was beautiful, handsome and without a flaw; she was not wrong. Her cheeks were heated but she did not care. The need inside of her became painful and she swallowed hard, trying to keep her composure. Her eyes traveled to every muscles, every plane of his body until she had memorized them.
This was serious. It was getting to a point where it had never gone before.
He leaned forward, grabbing the edge of her shirt. Since she had shifted her position, her shirt had gone back down, covering her body again. He slowly began to lift it, and she did not even flinch. Instead, she lifted her arms, allowing him to slip it past her head. Her heart was painfully pressing against her rib cage but she acted as though she was calm. The cold air wrapped around her body while he tossed her shirt on the floor along with his. Under his careful eyes, she could barely stay still. His eyes looked at every part of her since he could see her clearly. It was not a pretty sight and she did not care about the bond or anything else; he could not be attracted by this. Her ribs were sticking out, her stomach was hollowed, her collarbones were poking at the flesh and her breasts were small.
She had the body of a sick girl because it was what she was.
And yet, no matter how she tried to find the disgust reflecting in his eyes, it was not there. Instead, she saw the need.
She wanted to shut her mind, she did not want to let it come up to conclusions, but it did anyway. The bond did not force her to like his body. She found it attractive all on her own. This need deep inside of him, could some of it come from him wanting her? Appreciating her body? She hated her body. Every time she looked at it she wanted to shut her eyes and never open them again. But he was looking and the bulge in his pants was not going away. Ever since the changes in her body happened, she never felt attractive. She also heard the words those women whispered. And yet there he was, looking at her with need and want in his eyes. He wanted to touch her. She felt desirable. And it was wrong because - because he would never love her and she would not love him. But he always gave her strength.
The intensity of her feelings nearly turned her blind as she stared ahead. "Ca- can you.. T-touch me."
And there he was, standing in his fantasy and it was getting harder and harder to separate the two of them. It was dangerous. Now that he was looking at her, almost naked, he knew this was the slippery road he was always steering away from. However, she hardly asked and he would give this one time. He would keep himself in check because that was who he was. But for the first time, it would cost him to be himself. It was a price that would take everything he had simply not to give in.
But he owed her that much. He went in without knowing everything and he was messing with both their lives. Even if she got the price of her life. He would not let her suffer the need without doing anything at all.
He wrapped his arms around her, pressing the chests together and he kissed her again. She put her arms around his neck, bringing their faces even closer. They kissed, something her tongue lapping over her lips, but never demanding for entrance. His hands touched every surface of her skin, caressing it, sending jolts of pleasure through her. Her fingers tangled in his hair, relishing in the softness of his locks. Quickly, she found herself on her back again with him on top of her. Her legs were around his waist, almost completely wrapped around it. Every time he moved, he shifted, his cock touched her core and she dampened even more. She dug her fingers in his shoulders, scraping at his skin.
Sesshomaru tore his lips away and began descending once more. He pressed kisses on her jaw, along her neck, between her breasts, all the way to her navel. His hands squeezed her sides before he reached the edge of her jeans. They both knew the bottom clothing had to remain on or they would do something neither of them were ready for and yet it did not stop him from lowering his nose even more. He buried it against her clothed core, taking in all of the sweet scent he had been keeping himself away from. As he buried his nose deeper, she felt it press against her and she was forced to tangle her legs with his body. Her hand were tempted to touch his head but she kept them on his shoulders.
This was not the position he had in mind; no instead, he had wanted her in a submissive pose. Yet it did not make him detach himself from her. It was getting harder, harder than he anticipated; his prize was right in his face and he had to turn around and walk away from it. He knew he said he would help her because she needed his touch but it was almost too late. He wanted to lick at her, he wanted to taste it. If he did that it was over; if she was naked he was going to take her. His cock hurt from the strain of being so erect. He had to pull away. He gathered all the strength he had and then he pulled himself away from the safety of her and her spicy scent of arousal. He saw the confusion shining in her eyes and he leaned forward, his face hovering above hers.
"I cannot."
She breathed loudly, her lips bruised from the attention they so recently received.
"If I do this, I will do something we are not ready for."
There it was. Sesshomaru was a man of honor. And he did not say something he was not ready for, something she was not ready for. He said we. He found a way into her life and it appeared she had managed to find a way into his. He was considering someone other than himself and he was not covering himself with the excuse that it was only her. It was them, as a whole.
She felt him shift, laying down beside her, before snaking his arms around her and holding her close and despite the rage from being cut off from the amazing feeling, the need growing inside of her, she felt a certain safety.
He did a lot of things for her.
He put himself in an uncomfortable situation for her.
And he respected her.
Suddenly, all the questions Dr. Izu asked her started to make sense because she started to have answers for them.
She did not avoid talking about him because she would be lying. She did not forgo all the good moments because they did not matter.
She avoided talking about him because…
He might be immune to love, he might not have feelings and she might not be in love with him but…
She could no longer say she felt nothing for him.
And now that feeling of hopelessness in her chest was worst than ever.
-R-
- 16
- 17
- 18
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Red Lotus