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The Pain In My Heart	By : christabel Category: InuYasha > General > DarkFic Views: 5715 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
A/N: Just because I forgot to put up this chapter here before, you'll be getting both this and chapter 19 in one go. :)
Warnings: disfiguration, mpreg, angst, dark, delicate subject matter

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Inuyasha depicted herein who belong to Rumiko Takahashi and the publishers of the series and the company who made the anime, I only borrow them in this work of fiction which I do for no monetary profit.

Summary: Inuyasha is unlucky enough to accidentally cross paths with Naraku while alone, Naraku beats him near to death and rapes him. Will Miroku be able to pick up the pieces of Inuyasha's shattered heart and make him whole? And once the unexpected consequences of Inuyasha's rape come to light, will his and Miroku's love be able to bring them together again and pull Inuyasha away from a sinister fate?

He hurt. His whole body ached, but it was his stomach which hurt the most. It was like he'd been speared. A flash of memory of Sesshoumaru thrusting his hand through him a long long time ago swam into his mind, vivid. That had hurt. Yet this wasn't that time. He knew it. His mind was hazy. He remembered a dream, a horrid nightmare. Words... he pushed them back, yet the evil voice echoed in his head, a cold cruel laughter. Too much. Snake-like it slithered just at the edge of his thoughts, waiting. But he wouldn't... couldn't remember. What the hell had happened?

The darkness, blindness, made him all edgy. He could still smell and sense things, but it all felt muddled. Like when he was close to being human on the night of the New Moon or when he had a bad head-cold. His hearing was quite acute, he noticed how he easily picked up things from around him. The rustle of cloth as the two women in the room shifted, the chink of ceramics against ceramics, the soft tinkle of water as it was poured... Kagome's sniffling. Kagome. 'Why won't she tell me what the hell is going on?!' His head turned towards her. 'I'll make her.'

“Why can't I remember?” he demanded, knowing she must know. She always knew. She had to have been there when this something, whatever it was, had happened. Kagome was always around, even if told to get out of harms way. Inuyasha felt eerily out of place inside his body. He couldn't remember what the hell had rendered him this weak. As he shifted a bit on the futon, he could feel long-since-wounded muscles and body parts still groan. He'd been hurt and not gotten back to shape after. His muscles felt weak from lack of use. He didn't even know where he was, or who the hell the woman sitting next to Kagome was. He sniffed. Youkai. Female. Old. A whiff of herbs. “And who the hell is that crone?” He asked, cocking his head towards the other woman.

He heard Kagome sputter indignantly. He knew she had to be looking at him, shock replacing tears on her face. “Inuyasha! Don't call Kaoru-sama that!” He could hear something in her voice, a hint of... desperation? Why was that? He didn't much care, he was pissed at her that she was lying. 'Why can I remember something but not everything?'

“I'll call her what the hell I like!” He countered Kagome. He had no time being polite. Always to the point, that was his style. Yet it felt... odd. Like he'd woken up after having been someone else. The brusqueness of his words and tone felt almost alien to him. But he had to gloss over niceties to get to the bottom of things. Kagome better explain what the hell was wrong, and better to get her to do it was to ruffle her up a bit. But just enough. The girl was scary when truly pissed off.

The woman Kaoru spoke. “I don't care that you are rude, but I am your healer and you need to calm down now.” Her hand was on his arm, pressing him down. Inuyasha gave in and slumped back on the futon. Part of him wanted to move. Yet he knew he needed to be careful. His body was in no account ok.

“Calm. I can do calm.” He crossed his hands over his chest. He could feel the roundness of his belly underneath. He ignored it for the time being. It still felt alien. “Now someone tell me what the hell is going on? And where the hell am I?!” He sniffed at the air again, breathing in deep the scents surrounding him. He could smell Kagome and... Sesshoumaru?

“You're at Sesshoumaru-sama castle,” Kagome answered. Her tone was back to worried again. Watery. She was crying again. 'What is it with women and crying?' , he thought.

“Sesshoumaru's? Why on hell am I at Sesshoumaru's?” He couldn't remember why and it irked him. He let his crossed arms fall lower to settle over the bulge of his belly and tried not to think. It had been eerie to wake up and only know that he wanted Miroku and that he was... pregnant. Just another thing to make life difficult when you were a hanyou. Being male and pregnant. He didn't feel disgusted when he'd realised. Just... oddly content. Like the baby inside him was something precious, a ray of life in the darkness of not remembering. He shook his head as darkness crept again at the edges of his thoughts, and that laughter, that chilling laughter echoed somewhere within his head. Who the hell was that? Naraku? He buried his face in his hands, willing it all to just stop. He wanted to draw his legs up to his chest and bury his confusion, shield himself from the world by drawing in on himself. But he couldn't. Wouldn't. He'd woken up so confused and he wasn't sure what he'd even said earlier. The sweetness of fruits lingered on his palate but what he'd spoken about with prior to that... Hazy. His worry over his memory was bowling over everything else.

“Inuyasha?” Kagome's voice cut through his anxiety. Her hand touched his shoulder and he let her. It was soothing. Something real to cling unto. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“Why can't I remember?”, he asked again. “Why the hell can't I remember? And why am I even... pregnant?” The mere idea was beginning to feel preposterous now. He could feel the kid in his gut, kicking at his kidneys. It was like being wounded in a fight, being punched. But from the inside and without the getting hurt bit. If not for the sense-memory of it having happened before, or the knowledge that he was pregnant, he'd have jumped out of his skin already. The kid would be a fighter, the way it kept kicking at him. But whose was it? “Whose is it? How did I end up pregnant?”

“Maybe it's best you remember on your own, yeah?” Kagome's shaky voice told him. “Like we talked about. Right, Kaoru-sama?” The girl was asking for the healer to back her up. Something was definitely up. It rattled Inuyasha.

“Yes,” the old crone spoke, patting his arm. He wanted to shake her away. “In these cases it's best if your memory repairs itself. You should remember everything soon. Just try not to think about it, about why you cannot remember and it will come to you, Inuyasha-sama.”

'That makes no sense', Inuyasha thought. He shook his head, letting his hands fall to his sides. They females were playing with him. “So you don't wanna tell me?” He turned his head between the two women, shaking himself so they let go of him. “Why?” He wrapped his arms around himself, his claws sinking just a bit into the fabric of his hakama, he was gripping himself so tight.

“Really, Inuyasha, it's best if we don't interfere. Memory is a tricky thing ---” Kagome was full on on one of her future-babbles. He tuned her out.

He snapped his head to the old crone, sniffing her out by the herbal scents that clung to her person. “You tell me... please?” It didn't hurt to be polite. He could 'feel' the old youkai. She was strong. Authority. Not someone to mess with. But comforting, like a mother, a carer.

“I am sorry, Inuyasha-sama”, he still was taken aback by her calling him that, “but I agree with the girl. The mind is a delicate thing, let it heal on it's own. Why don't you let me give you something to calm you, so you'll feel better?”

“No!” He didn't want to get muddled with any concoctions of hers. All he wanted now were answers. Yet he was so tired and confused. “But... Can't you tell me anything? Anything at all?” He pleaded with the women. He hated not knowing. There was a serious gap in his memory. He shied away from it. He knew he should remember but somehow... didn't want to. There was something terrible that had happened. His grip tightened. He let his hands fall down and grip the blanket instead.

Kagome shuffled near him, he could scent her anxiety. “What is the last thing that you remember?” the girl asked. She didn't touch him, but he knew she wanted to. Always so touchy-feely, that was Kagome.

He groped his mind, his claws fiddling with the blanket over him. What was it? Memories flashed in his minds eye, splashes of colour and words. Emotions. They'd been laughing, hadn't they? Yes. Walking on a road. He remembered walking beside Miroku. He couldn't get his face into focus, why? He remembered the way the monk's dark hair moved in the wind. Miroku's smile, so carefree. Rest of his face obscured... almost there. The memory of wanting more, looking out for signs of the possibility in the man's face. Inuyasha gasped. Miroku's face smiled to him from the recessed of his memory. The monk's deep purple eyes were happy, his smile just a bit lecherous. He was beautiful and utterly desirable. The memory pained him, etching to his mind in the now. It felt like he'd resurfaced something long forgotten, something buried deep, only now discovered. The girls had been there, hadn't they? Yes. Then... he couldn't remember. He'd gone on alone, why?

“I went alone. We were in the edge of the woods, half a days walk from Kaede's. Miroku was laughing. Kagome was griping she was tired. The sun shone. Sango... can't remember. I went alone ahead. There was something...” his words stopped coming. There was something he couldn't, wouldn't remember. Something dark. A gap in his memory from which his mind recoiled away from. It was a ragged wound in his mind. “Why did I go alone?” he asked Kagome. The darkness felt like it would swallow him whole, overwhelm him should he let it.
His hands convulsively drew the blanket tighter around him.

“Ohh, you remember that day...” Kagome's voice faded. He noticed her stress of 'that'. What day could she mean?

“What do you mean, that day?” He demanded from her. He reached out and grabbed her hand and she let him. He had to know! He knew he grabbed her too hard. Didn't care. Much. He winced as the kid within him kicked at a sore spot. He shifted and winced anew as his wound ached.

She sobbed. “It was the day you were attacked. You were alone, I can never forgive myself that you were alone...” she cried. Her hand squeezed his. He smelled the salt of her tears, knew the bitter tang of her desperation. Her hand trembled even as she tried to comfort him. She held at his hand as much as his grip allowed.

“Who was it? Had to be Naraku, yeah?” he asked, gripping her hand tighter. The laughter echoed in his head. That bastard. Could only be him. He could almost see... see the bastard in his mind's eyes. Figures. He heard her gasp.

“Do you remember?” she asked, her voice shaking. Her whole body shook now, her hand in his an indication of her nervousness.

He shook his head. “Nope, but had to be him. No-one else could beat me in a fight and get me this beaten up.” His hand went up quick, shaking his head had felt.. odd. His fingertips met short hair only barely brushing his shoulders. He showed the thought aside. Hair wasn't the issue here. Hair. The image of Miroku, smiling and his hair swept by the wind, popped into his mind's eye.

“Yes, it was him.” Kagome sounded so subdued, she was crying. Her hand still shook in his. “But you have to stop asking now,” she said, “better that you remember on your own, like Kaoru-sama said, yes?” Kagome was doing her best trying to get him to drop the issue. He frowned. Maybe he could let her. Yet there was one major thing which nagged at the back of his mind.

“Whose kid is it?” He had to know. He wrapped his hand around the swell of his stomach and the kid kicked at him. He felt it inside, it felt very weird. “How did I even get knocked up?”

It was the crone who answered him. “Most youkai males are able to carry a child. Conception doesn't always happen between two males, it's a bit harder than between a youkai male and a youkai female. Since you are a hanyou, Inuyasha-sama, I am a little surprised that you even conceived. A male hanyou carrying a child is rare.” He could hear a slight excitement in her voice, like he was a special sample. A wonder-hanyou. Yet there was something in the healers tone too, that something which had bothered him when Kagome had spoken.

And the healer hadn't answered his first question, either. And where the hell was Miroku? When he thought of the monk, emotions danced in his head. Affection. Safety. Closeness. A flash of a memory went through his mind so fast he couldn't quite grasp it. Him and Miroku kissing. And he knew he loved the man. The memory of his smile flickered in his mind, he desperately grasped at it. It was precious.

“Fuck, it's Miroku's, ain't it?” he asked, shocked. Trust the flippant monk to knock him up and leave him to deal with the consequences. “And where is he by the way? He was here before, wasn't he? Don't lie to me now, Kagome.” He was getting rather pissed at her again.

“He'll come and see you soon, Inuyasha,” Kagome said. “He's away today.” Her voice shook a bit as she spoke. So she was uncertain. Inuyasha thought about it hard. Would Kagome really lie to him outright? She was usually so honest, almost to a fault.

“You're telling the truth to me now?” He asked. He gripped her hand real tight. She winced. She tried to draw away from him but he held on. He knew he was scaring her, that was the point. “Kagome?” He wished he could have glared at her. He tried to focus on other things than his blindness. The thought of it, because he couldn't remember why he was blind, was unsettling. It was easy for her to say there'd been an attack. Say it was Naraku, to somehow know it must be true cos who else could mangle him up so much? Yet that answered nothing.

“Yes. Miroku was here. I'm sure he'll be here before you know it.” She sounded hopeful, chirpy. She squeezed his hand as much as she could within his tight hold, he loosened his grip. She leaned towards him and gave him a peck on the cheek. “It'll be all right.” The kiss made him happy for a fleeting moment. He knew she cared. Yet...

He let go of her hand and she drew back. He heard her settle on the floor again. He closed his eyes, the blank hole of his memory closed in on him and he sighed. He'd take her word for it. He'd trust her. For know. Yet he felt on edge, still. Like something was askew, not quite right. He felt like they were in the wrong with keeping what he'd forgotten from him. What the hell could have happened that they were so reluctant to just fill him in? But maybe it was better he remembered on his own. Or then not. He didn't know. He absently rubbed his stomach and heard it growl. He was rather hungry.

“I'm starving, you guys have anything to eat?” He asked hopefully. That's right, take care of base needs first. Couldn't think proper when he was hungry anyway. Then he'd think. He became acutely aware of his blindness when he realized the women would need to help him eat. He hated feeling dependant, yet it felt oddly familiar. He'd been recovering for a long time for such a feeling to ingrain itself into his brain. He didn't dare ask how much he'd forgotten. But it had to be a long time. Months.

“Well I have some fruit here, if you'd like some,” Kagome said. He could almost feel the effort of the forced calm in her voice. “Lunch is soon but if you want something sturdier I can ask the kitchens.”

“Fruit is fine,” Inuyasha replied. He heard her slice something juicy. There were squishy sounds as she lay the fruit on something, a plate, had to be. Soon she took hold of his hand and placed a plate on it.

“I sliced you some peaches, there's some apples too, if you'd like,” it was her concerned, eager-to-please voice again. She was holding herself back around him. He sighed. He'd scared her. Well... it was her fault anyway for keeping things from him.

Her hand supported his and he didn't shake her away. Yet eating was easy. His co-ordination was good, he only dropped a few slices between the plate and his mouth. Neither of the women said anything about it, for which he was glad. The juices of the fruit made his fingers sticky. When he was done, Kagome offered him one of her fluffy little towels. Future stuff was always so fuzzy and soft.

“Are you still hungry, Inuyasha?” she asked him. She'd taken the plate away from him. “Or do you want some water?”

“I could use some water, and some of those apples wouldn't go amiss.” He was quite hungry still, hoping midday meal came sooner rather than later. He was a bit tired too but he was afraid to fall asleep, there was no telling what he'd be like when he next woke up. Would he lose himself even more? Forget about Miroku? The kid? Yet he could remember that which he'd forgotten, the fight with Naraku. Why the hell had Kagome called it an attack? That sounded like the bastard had sneaked up on him and jumped him, or something. He pushed back something which crept at the edges of his memory. It was something bad. Somehow a part of him, most of him, would have given anything not to remember. He shuddered and shook his head, hoping the women hadn't noticed his moment of weakness.

Instead of the darkness creeping at the edges of his memory he focused on the slice-and-dice sound of Kagome's knife as she peeled and cut an apple for him. The crone was silent, he could feel her eyes on him. She was watching. It made him a bit skittish that she was observing him so intently. Let her. He wasn't afraid of the crone. Kagome once again set the plate in his hands. “Here, eat up. I'll pour you some water!”

He ate the apple-slices quickly and then Kagome put a cup of water into his hand and took the plate away. He drank almost all the water in one go. Then something occurred to him. Kagome had averted his question when he'd asked about the pain in his gut. He gingerly patted at the bandages covering his mid-riff. The wounds under them were new. He felt them as he shifted, they were healing but still fresh enough. There was a definite twinge when he tried to bend over.

“Hey, what about these wounds here, what happened?” he asked, gesturing at his stomach. The kid kicked him in the kidney or somewhere equally painful, reminding him it was alive and well. The place of the wounds made him edgy, they had apparently just missed the kid inside him. His claws sunk a bit into the heavy bandages, ripping at his haori a bit. Someone had dared hurt his kid?!

He heard Kagome draw in a breath and shift, her clothing rustled restlessly. The crone was still. “There was an accident,” Kagome said quickly. Too quickly.

“And?” He pushed her verbally. He wished he could see her face. She smelled... anxious. Not entirely truthful. His claws had retracted and his hand lay where there were no bandages on his upper-belly, the kid kicked at his palm. It felt oddly comforting.

“And what, Inuyasha?” she asked. She patted his hand rather dismissively. “Don't think about it. You're fine now.”

He sighed. So he was keeping that from his as well? He frowned. Miroku wasn't where he was supposed to be, which was by his side. He was having a kid, Miroku's kid. So the monk should have been there. Maybe Kagome had told truth and Miroku was just away for a bit. He wouldn't lay his money on that, however. Kagome was keeping too many things from him. But if he insisted long enough, she was bound to let it slip. Or maybe he'd remember on his own.

Inuyasha patted the small bulge of his belly absently as he decided to wait it out. He was still hurting so he was dependant on other's. So he'd rest and gather his strength. Trust that he'd see Miroku soon. He had to believe Miroku hadn't dumped him, especially with a baby on the way. No way would the monk abandon any child of his. No way. He'd lay off the questions until after lunch, at least. Maybe he could make Sesshoumaru... Hey, wait. His brother hated his guts!

“Kagome, why are we at Sesshoumaru's and I'm still alive? Was he that 'accident' which you won't tell me about?”

She was silent for a moment. Probably thinking about what she could say that he wouldn't 'give out' too much. “Oh, you don't remember. Of course you don't if you've forgotten all else...”

He cut into her long-winded murmurings. “Of course I don't remember, wouldn't ask if I did, would I?”

Kagome patted his hand. It was getting rather annoying as she kept doing that. He was not the kind of man whose hand you patted all day long, dammit! “Well, you made up with him. Isn't it great?” She asked hesitantly, clearly waiting for him to freak. Which he did.

“I made up with my asshole brother! Who the hell hit me in the head that I did that?!” He yelled at her.

“Well, Sesshoumaru really cares for you, you know. He took you in so you could have the baby in peace.” She gripped his hand and talked in a soothing voice. As if he was a frightened kid, that's what it sounded like to him, anyway. Panicky? Maybe. A kid? No chance.

He fought the urge to shake her hand off in irritation, the truth was that it felt rather comforting. Even if he couldn't trust her completely at the moment, he knew that Kagome cared. And so her holding his hand was a comfort. Yet he had to say something, let out his astonishment.

“The hell that bastard cares...” he muttered.

“It is true, your brother cares for you and is trying to atone for his past actions,” the crone, Kaoru, offered her opinion. “I never approved with Sesshoumaru-sama's treatment of you, his younger brother, in the past. But it was not my place to judge. Even if I am older and wiser than Sesshoumaru-sama...”

Inuyasha felt like he could grow to like the old healer. She sounded like she could walk all over Sesshoumaru and the bastard couldn't do a thing about it.

“So, the bastard cares?” He asked the women in confirmation. It was something to digest. Last he remembered, his brother had sworn to kill him. And had tried, even if he'd not succeeded. He'd tried to pay back the favour, but his attack had lacked something... Come to think of it, neither of them hadn't been really serious about killing the other for a while. Hmm.

“Yes, yes he does.” Kagome said to him. “He's been very supportive of you.”

“Really?” Inuyasha asked. “And this is Sesshoumaru we're talking about, my bastard of a brother?”

“Yes,” Kagome confirmed, yet again. “Quite a change, eh?” She squeezed his hand in a familiar fashion.

“You could say.” He shook his head. He was pregnant. He was still recovering from an attack by Naraku, which he was now sure had been many months ago, the way his body felt. He couldn't remember anything since that one day. Miroku was... somewhere. It was a lot to take in all at once. Maybe he could take a little nap. He shook his head again, better to wait until after lunch. He felt suddenly ravenous. Yeah, he'd eat himself full and then try and make Sesshoumaru tell him what the hell was really going on. It felt odd to think that he and his brother were on speaking terms.

Would the wonders ever cease?
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The Pain In My Heart