Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Love Yourself	By : Akumi Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 2435 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
~~~~~Certain
amount of years~~~~~� -
Flash back�
��
~~~~~Name~~~~~
- Change in point of view

�Blah�
� Talking

�Blah�
� Thinking

A/N Hiya lovely readers! Akumi here!
I just wanted to say thank you to my amazing betas Mikaela,
Yuzuki, and of course Hairann!!
You girls have been great, thank you for all of the support!

Love
Yourself

The soft click that echoed loudly filled his ears, eyes
snapping in rage. Slamming the innocent white cordless phone back onto its
receiver, he snarled watching fragments of white plastic scatter along the
floor boards. Pivoting sharply, he began to pace along the floor, hands
clenched as blood trailed after each step. Not noticing the cut, or not caring,
he continued his pacing.
�How dare she?! Does she not know who I am!?� His thoughts
screamed. The pure rage easily read in his eyes was far worse than he let show.
Stopping abruptly he looked almost as if he had run into a wall. Words from
long ago echoed in his mind, the soft tinkling laughter following them, �Why on
Earth would that make a difference?� Her voice mocked him. Letting out a deep
growl his eyes closed. There was no way things could be unraveling as they
were. It should not be this difficult. All he wanted to know was what the
resent activity on her Master Card was and where it was used. He was her fianc�
for Kami�s sake. They treated him like an abusive spouse!
Growling even louder more blood dripped onto the floor as
his movement began once again. That�s what he felt like to be honest. It was
the only way to truly describe what he subjected her to: abuse. Something
inside of him ravaged wildly at the memories. Something so primal and basic
raged within him, at him, with him. He had no intention of it turning out this
catastrophically, but even he knew he was guilty. The judge, jury, and
prosecutor made their decisions; he was to rot slowly from inside out.
It had been four months, four horribly quiet months. Four
months in which he had never felt more alone in his entire long life. Raking a
clawed hand through his hair, he refused to let out the scream ripping at his
throat. Being cold was the only option residing. It was his only defense.
Looking back at the shattered phone, a sigh could be read through his eyes.
Never before had he felt this tired, this exhausted. How could it be so
impossibly difficult to find one woman? Closing his eyes, two clawed fingers
massaged the bridge of his nose brutally. His pacing began once again.
His woman left him. His woman walked out the door like a
coward. How dare she? Acting like a spoiled child and leaving him a note. What
in Kami�s name was he supposed to do with something such as that? Burn it,
that�s what. A sinister grin spread across the demon lord�s face at the thought
and just as fast melted into coldness. He couldn�t bring himself accomplish
that task. All he had left of her were pictures, the ring, and that damn note.
That damn note that was tattered and torn by now. Too many
waking moments were spent spilling over those words. Too many symphonies
replayed in his mind, the words stringing together to form disastrous
tones.� Still, the note sat on that same
coffee table, sitting so innocently in the bright sunlight, casted in by the
living room windows. That damn ring was now threatening to dissolve as it sat
in his fourth glass of Bourbon of the day. At least he thought it was the
fourth.
Walking away from the small round table holding the
decommissioned phone, he slumped into the black leather couch. It felt too
surreal. He had become partial to her babble, her endless dialogues concerning
her garden. One Petunia was wilting and she couldn�t comprehend the reason why.
How one Lilly was budding and the other Lily plant wasn�t. Never showing the
least bit of interest, he was still listening. He still CARED. She should have
known that! She was his fianc�e! It wasn�t like he actually told her to shut her
insufferable trap.
A growl so deadly and so soft poisoned the air as his eyes
darkened. The guilt ate at him like maggots. Growing strong off of his rotting
heart, the insects never ceased in their hunt. Nothing of his tarnished soul
was left for self preservation. It was almost impossible to feed his lungs as
the guilt grew to new levels.� His own
thoughts were polluted, placing blame in her innocence even as he was gifted to
further knowledge.� The fact of the
matter was that he knew exactly what he had done. He knew he broke her slowly
and with the most sinister ways.
He didn�t go after her body, he didn�t beat her, break her
bones. No, he went much further. He attacked her soul and heart with the
mindless lust to create something no one ever wanted. To create something he
would never even dream of desiring, a mindless bride. Someone considered the
perfect mate to a lord according to the un-written guidelines. No one expected
the perfect mate, but for some unfathomable reason he tried to batter one out
of an innocent woman. A woman so loving and caring, he tried to turn cold. No,
he didn�t just hurt her, he tore her apart. He ripped pieces away from her soul
with each word. Surprisingly enough, he succeeded in damaging her without
speaking a syllable.
Reaching over for the glass of Bourbon, eyes fixated on the
rainbows the sun created by hitting the glass, the ring glowing. The liquor
swishing gracefully in the cup, his eyes turned hollow. Taking a deep swig from
the glass, the ring made a slight clink against teeth. He let his hand fall to
his knee, the dark liquid making more of a protest this time around, the ring
echoing loudly. Leaning his head back, sunless orbs closed, memories
enrapturing his decaying mind.

~~~~~Two
and a half years ago~~~~~

Walking into the dark house, words spoken from his father�s
lips swirled around him, wrapping him in a blanket of ice. His father didn�t
approve of the woman he was to marry, his mate to be. No, that wasn�t it at
all. What his father didn�t approve of was how this �little woman� was making
him weak. Apparently he didn�t know how to control his woman, the woman
controlled him. Snorting at the very idea, he set his briefcase on the end
table, beside the phone, and began to slip off his long black coat. Turning, he
hung the coat on the coat hook, eyes blurred by his father�s words.
�He hadn�t been as
cruel as usual in his negotiation with other nations, said his father. As far
as his father was concerned he wasn�t lord material. The way he let a woman get
to him, it showed the greatest kind of weakness. Repeatedly he told him how he
should be treating the woman. She was merely a way to get what he wanted,
nothing more, at least in his father�s eyes.
After Izayoi had died of cancer and refused to be
resurrected, Inu� no
Taishou has never been the same.� He
suspected that he wanted revenge on those who still had their loved ones. At
the beginning, Inu no Taishou was behind him a hundred percent. Always saying
he was a lucky demon to have found such a woman. As soon as he announced he was
to take her as his mate, things rapidly altered, and not for the better. He was
suddenly too weak, easily manipulated.
Letting lose a bitter growl, he turned towards the stairs,
taking them at an abnormally slow pace. How dare his father assume he could
tell him how things should ensue? Show her, her place son. Show her who the
master is. The difference between his father and himself was that he loved her.
He loved this little woman with all he was and she loved him the same. His
father�s tactics didn�t end there though. Oh no, he went much further.
�Look at her Sesshomaru! Look how fragile she herself is!
You chose a human to marry, and she isn�t even educated in how things are run!
How can you ever expect other lords to take you seriously when your own father
can�t? She makes you seem as a fool Sesshomaru. Stopping to explain things to
her ignorant mind, letting her plead innocence because of that ignorance! Not
only is she a human, but a priestess! You already accomplished becoming the
punch line to many jokes! Lord? Not even close son. Things are done the way
they are for a reason. Our traditions aren�t there for fun, or for making
history. You need to control your woman and become the lord you are.�
His father�s words battled into his very soul, leaving no
survivors. In that moment something changed in him that would inevitably be his
down fall, he turned cold once again. Kagome, the love of his life, the small
shine of light that chiseled that ice, had no knowledge of tools strong enough
to break this. He would become strong, and he would be a lord to be remembered.
He would be a legend. He would not dishonor his family because of one woman.
She was not worth it.
Standing in front of the door holding his world, he
glowered at the offending wood. No, he would not go to her. He would not get
into that soft bed and wrap his arms around her. She no longer held power over
his actions. No, she would no longer control him. Under the influence of ice,
he moved down the crimson red carpeted hallway towards his office.� Opening the mahogany door, the gold handle
frosty against his hand, eyes took in the darkened vicinity.
Walking into the room, he used light pressure to shut the
door behind him, the soft sound of the latch clicking in place mocking his
footsteps. Once at his large desk he pulled out the plush brown leather chair
and relaxed into it, the wheels moving it back with the weight of his body.
Moving forward, he leaned his elbows on the table. Lacing fingers together, he
leaned his chin against his fingers. Frigid eyes took in his surroundings with
deadly intent. Starting now, this very moment, things would change. No more
would he allow himself to drown in her trap. No, Sesshomaru was not a demon to
be toyed with.

~~~~~Present~~~~~

No, he was no demon to drown, and yet here he was. The
person whom had the power to pull him to the surface was miles away; her back
turned, and couldn�t care less about his current situation. Well, he hoped she
was merely miles away. Truth be told, he had no concept of where she could have
gone. He contacted her relatives and friends, none had any knowledge of her
location. They were as lost as him. Lifting the glass again, he cherished the
burning accompanying the flow of bourbon caressing his throat. Moving the glass
to the coffee table, it was set down with a resounding thud.
One clawed hand at his mouth; he gracefully took the ring
off of his tongue. Holding the malevolent object between two long fingers, he
twisted it in the light. Eyes narrowed, his fingernails began to grow and
sickening green. A dark gleam emanated from his eyes as the acid encased his
senses. He would melt her from his mind; he would dispose of her memory as he
had done numerous times before with insignificant people. Snapping his eyes
shut, a guttural snarl tore from his lungs, flicking his fingers the ring was
chucked across the room. A soft clink was heard followed by the roll of white
gold on wood. Making its new home in the corner, surrounded by looming
furniture and tan walls, the defiant ring still sparkled.
He only wanted one thing from this world, only one. The
simple wish was to have his woman back in his arms. It had been entirely too
long since the last time he held her, since he tasted her. Kami, it had been
years since he actually let himself love her. Yes, they made love, but that was
a very poor definition. All it consisted of was him letting out his
frustration. He used her body to find release and then went back to his
business. Kami, he couldn�t even recall the last time he heard her moan his
name.
Reaching for the bottle of Bourbon, his eyes remained
closed. Grabbing the same glass, he felt a jagged edge, signifying its rough
treatment. Deftly opening the bottle, splashes were heard as the liquor made
its way into the glass. Growling, he brought the crystal to his mouth and
swallowed the contents in one swift move. Flinging the poor glass away, shards
of rainbows marred the tarnished floor. The lip of the bottle met his lips,
taking a heavy swig, a groan of satisfaction was held in.
He could feel the fire settle in his heart, the burning
rising an octave as hell screamed at him, welcomed him. Inside of all the
screams and horror, he clung to her voice. Her sweet innocent voice washed him
in such a blissful aura. Her voice accused him of the most terrible and
conniving of criminal acts. He should be locked away for the sins committed.
No, not locked away, tortured.
He realized the first night just how bad he hurt her, just
how bad he made her heart bleed out. Desperate for her, desperate for the love
she brought, he went searching for her scent. He tore through pillows,
forgotten clothes, and even the sheets of their bed. Heart clawing at his
chest, beast howling in misery, he shunned the items. Oh, he found her scent,
found it just fine. That�s not what disturbed him, that�s not what diseased his
very soul. Her scent was contaminated by tears, her tears. How long must she
have sat alone and cried because of him, for him? How long exactly had she been
so distraught that her eyes emptied everything they had? How long did that
twinkle in her eyes scream for mercy?
He had figured it out the night he asked her to be his
mate. He had figured out what that twinkle in her eyes was. That twinkle that
irritated him to the core the first day he met her soon made his day, because
that twinkle was her heart, her love. She had such a love for life, such a love
for everything surrounding her. She never saw the hopelessness in a situation;
never did she let the bad things let that twinkle dim. Even when things were
horrible that shine, that sparkle, it never left because she had hope. She had
hope in everything around her. She lost that twinkle with him. She lost that
hope with him. She lost that love of life with him, because of him.
The bottle lay empty against the floor; small dark stains
splashed around it, the bourbon forever leaving its mark. On the couch he laid
silently, one arm strewn across his brow and the other across his waist. Spider
webs of horror sprawled into his mind, unforgiving traps of guilt once again.
He could only pray the hungry beast wouldn�t take too long in devouring its
meal.

~~~~~Kagome,
present time~~~~~

The light wind frayed her long raven hair as her chocolate
eyes took in the sunset. Her hand laid snugly against
her stomach, her thumb smoothing gentle circles into her skin. Closing her
eyes, her head leaned back against the porch swing, the white wicker crinkling
with the added pressure. Legs curled underneath her form, the chipping sky blue
paint from the deck never touched her pale bare feet. She was staying with
Sango now, the last four months spent with someone who became her rock. Four
months spent so alone and lost, she was saved only by Sango. The strong and
forceful woman had become her closest friend and only trusted confident.
The house was small, but very homey. It was painted in a
sky blue, the deck matching, and was facing an empty plane of farm land and
hills. It only consisted of three bedrooms, a decent sized kitchen and living room,
two bathrooms, and an unfinished basement. There were bare wood fences encasing
the small home, guarding her two Cocker Spaniels from the outside world. The
girl was expecting pups. Glancing over to the deep brown dog, her eyes grew
blurry. The dogs name was Sadie, and she was a very sweet dog, only a pup
herself, in Kagome�s eyes at least. Sadie laid in a
black and white checkered dog bed padded with soft fluffs of wool at the corner
of the porch, her belly bulging and laying against the stuffing material.
Kagome shook her eyes away from the site, settling once
again on the sunset. One of the most beautiful natural creations in the world,
the sunset was gorgeous. It�s sad that something so beautiful is something that
represents something so horrible. The ending of another day, the ending of
light is what the sunset meant to her heart now. It meant that yet another day
was over, and she was still alone, so horribly alone. The shell of frost would
drizzle on her heart and squeeze until her breath was crystallized, until her
very words were lost in the blizzard of hollowness.
Bringing her legs from underneath her, she bent her knees,
cold feet settled against the brittle wicker of the swing. Leaning her head
down, her right cheek rested against raised knees, arms wrapping around slender
legs. Staring off into the sunset, she suddenly felt more alone then before.
Sunsets were meant to be spent with a loved one. You were supposed to sit in
the arms of your lover and feel such completeness simply by gazing at the dying
sun. The sorrow of it was lost because you had someone to share it with,
someone else there to help you see the beauty. She felt like she was betraying
all fairytales just by sitting there. By seeing this breath taking site, she
was condemning herself to the rejection of love.
Eyes becoming dazed, a sigh flittered through parted lips.
She wondered what he was doing. Was he at work? Was he at home in the office?
Was he the lord yet, or did that get postponed? Curling more into herself, a
soft whimper was released. Did he feel so utterly abandoned and lost as she
did? Did he miss her as much as she missed him? Memories of his eyes flashed
into her mind and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the thought out.
She didn�t want to remember him so perfectly. She didn�t want to remember the
deep baritone of his voice, the cold touches, or the loving ones. She didn�t
want any of them.
Darkening along with the sunset, her very soul cried out in
agony. She shouldn�t crave him this much; shouldn�t be so desperate for his
voice, for his touch, for anything concerning him. She left him behind for a
reason; she left him behind to save herself. An astringent laugh ripped from
chapped lips at that thought. The very last thing accomplished was saving herself. If anything, she became the executioner, her mind
sadistically enjoying the pain her heart bled out. Dampening hope for the
future, she had nothing left to live for. Everything was stripped away, and by
running, the hope began to form in its infectious way. Hope that he would come
after her, hope that he would realize his mistakes and make amends. The surest
way to fall is to hope you could fly.
Opening dripping eyes, the darkness surrounded her, encased
her.� Nothing was left of the light;
nothing was left of the brightness covering the earth. Stars were nothing more
than a reminder that wishes were for foolish children. The man on the moon
mocked her with the usual joyous smile, but even tonight, that smile seemed
dim. Shadows dancing along the walls, she felt no fear for the unknown. There
was no more unknown to fear. Shifting her head, she rested her chin on her
knees, eyes blankly staring into nothingness.
Did he feel her sorrow? Did he feel the throbbing ache that
never ceased in its assault? The vicious merry go round of nausea swung her
around too many times to comprehend. She circled life, had the opportunity to
see all of it, but the speed and effects of the spin were far too much to
overcome. She savagely dug her way into her own hole and let the world crawl
by, refusing to suffer the side effects of living in it. Was he happy now? Did
she release his burden? She recalled the times where she knew he loved her, but
when she left, that love must have been gone right?
Shaking her head sharply, a tear tracked down her face,
finding solace in a beaten grey sweater. Did it even matter anymore? If he
loved her when she left, there was no possibility that he loved her now. One
too many things have happened. Sometimes, love just wasn�t enough to prevail over
all the demons a mind creates, demons that are far more ferocious than any
living demons. The demons that corrupted your heart and soul with truths too
brutal for any one person to face, they never surrendered, and they never
stopped in their mission. Their only mission in existence is to cause your own
self inflicted demise. Once their claws break in there is no escape, you will
slowly decay, and decay she did.
�Decomposing pieces
of her life, her soul, shed from her body in brittle sheets. With no power to
keep it in, with no strength to carry the might of suffering, she could not
stop it. She felt herself falling apart and couldn�t bring herself to attempt
the long and consuming task of putting the puzzle back together. There were no
corner pieces to start with, no distinguishing colors, it was impossible to
match the jagged edges with one another. Hope, how easily it drops you into
hopelessness.
The sound of old springs and a creaking brought Kagome out
of her demented musings. Tilting her head, she smiled soullessly as Sango made
her way out of the house, pink socks shuffling against the peeling paint. She
watched as Sango smiled back in kind, her smile brighter, brown eyes stressed
with worry.
�Sango made her way
from the front door to the wicker porch swing, eyes straying to the dark night
ahead of her. Moving to Kagome�s left side she sat down on the swing, her
weight sending soft creaks up the metal link chain holding it to the
overhanging roof. Letting out a sigh, she curled her legs into a pretzel and
leaned back.
Unfolding the large black felt blanket, she spread it over
Kagome and herself. Glancing quickly at Kagome, her eyes grew heavier. She
loved Kagome, Kagome was a very dear friend, but she was running out of steam.
She didn�t know what else could be done to help her dear friend. Her head
falling back, long dark brown hair spilled over the back of the swing.
�Kagome always
thought that she had saved her, but it was really the other way around. Kagome
gave Sango something to work towards.� After
the death of her younger brother Kohaku two years ago, she had been lost. There
was no purpose to her days anymore. After helping to raise a little boy with a
weak heart, it had become her life.
Closing her eyes, Sango knew that Kohaku was in a better place.
After his heart had given out while they were waiting on some damn transplant
list, she had cried for weeks, her heart shattered. They had been orphans and
spent their whole lives in and out of foster homes, refusing to be split apart.
As soon as Sango turned eighteen, she took Kohaku and gave him the care he
needed. They were closer than simply being siblings; they were each other�s
rock. They made each other live.
She was only one woman, and in the end, it wasn�t enough to
save him. Late one Friday night, his heart suddenly stopped working, and no one
could do anything to bring him back. He died and she was useless. The darkness
of the night used to bring back those memories, of his coughs, heaves, and
pants. The way he couldn�t walk up a flight of stairs without becoming winded,
the way he only weighed one hundred pounds at age fifteen. She used to deplore
herself, despised herself to the very core. Why did he have the weak heart? She
could have handled it better. He had more of a reason to live. It wasn�t
fair.�
She remembered the nights she stayed up, never once closing
her eyes, fearing the image of his pale face would sever her heart strings.
That�s all that was left then, strings holding her heart in place, unraveling,
bloody strings struggling to hold her being together. She remembered those days
she would look at normal objects and wonder just how it could be used to kill a
human, how it could be used to kill herself. She didn�t lose a brother, no, she
lost her soul that day.
Shaking herself mentally, she refused to fall back into
that. She had worked so hard for two years, climbing her way up a ninety degree
angle hill with countless pounds of baggage, and� was not about to tumble back down. She had
fought with all she had left, and finally understood the reason behind why she
was alive, and why Kohaku wasn�t. She was alive to be strong for him, to
survive for him. She was alive because sometimes things just don�t work the way
they should, and you have to work with what you have left. You have to make
those strings become enough to hold your heart, and over time, they will
strengthen. She still cried, still got angry, and still felt alone, but
accepted it now. She accepted life only leads to death and it�s something no
one can change.
Another sigh released, she leaned over and rested her head
against Kagome�s shoulder. Her knees now curled up to her chest, much like
Kagome, she huddled into the warm blanket. The night was becoming cooler as the
wind picked up. Tilting her head, she looked up at Kagome with questions in her
eyes. Speaking quietly, Sango asked, �What are you thinking?�
Startled by the sudden question Kagome�s body lurched.
Laughing dully at the reaction, she simply shrugged. What could she say? There
were no words that would justly answer that question and not worry her friend
further. The blanket was pulled closer as she attempted to drown herself in its
black depths; perhaps suffocating would be adequate response. Taking in a deep
breath Kagome�s face was all that was left, the blanket pulled snugly to her
neck. In a whisper, her words drifted into the wind. �I�m thinking about
everything, everything that has happened. What could be happening, and what
will be happening.�
Quirking an eyebrow at Kagome�s response, Sango released
her eye�s hold on Kagome and looked out at the stars. Smiling softly, her voice
pleading for understanding, she asked Kagome her question. �Why do you burry
yourself with your thoughts? What�s the point Kagome?�
Once again the pungent laugh was heard. Eyes blanketing is
sorrow, Kagome�s eyes moved away, narrowed in defiance. The site that met her
only strangled that laugh and forced it to an untimely death. Before her was
the pregnant dog, Sadie. Peacefully sleeping, her chest rose and fell in a
rhythmic pattern. Just as peaceful was her engorged belly. Not needing to
remind herself to look away her eyes were suddenly cast away. That was the last
thing she wanted it see, the very last thing she wanted to be a part of.
Heart jumping hurdles, she felt the impact of the missed
one as her mind explored darker territories of her memory. The deepest
location, as with most people was locked away, and for good reason. Certain
memories and thoughts should never be recalled, they should never be
remembered. When you sleep, your mind empties the useless things you saw the
previous day. Things like a man who stood by you in the elevator, what was
sitting on top of a random counter, things you will never need to know. If your mind was capable of such things, why could it
not just burn the things you never wanted to know? Why couldn�t you forget the
things that you wanted to most?
Perhaps the reason was the fact that it affected you. The
good things in life never harass your mind like the bad. When disaster strikes
and it never fails to, you will always remember. There is no such thing as
forgive and forget. That is a myth an overly protected heart created, trying to
remain in the bubble of world peace. You will always remember and a part of you
will always have a chip in its skin. A part of you will be forever vulnerable.
Straining against internal bindings, Kagome tried to form
her thoughts into words. Glancing over at Sango, she couldn�t restrain the
indignant glare in her eyes. �I do not allow them to Sango; you cannot control
your thoughts. Why bury myself with them you ask? If I had control over my
thoughts I would have been six feet under by now, but I do not have the power
to succeed in that. My thoughts taunt me and keep me a twitch of a finger away
from the edge. The point is, there is no point. If I
knew the point there wouldn�t be a point to have.�
Staring at Kagome with a mixture of amusement and distress,
Sango didn�t know quite how to react. A slight twitch of her lips answered for
her. Body shaking, her muffled laughter filled the quiet darkness, pushing
vehemently against the haze of anguish. Her mirth barely concealed, she
attempted to speak. �Let me get this straight. The point is, there is no point
and if you knew the point there wouldn�t be a point?�
Anger slipping away with a blank face and blink, Kagome�s
own lips twitched. The soft sound of her laughter joined Sango�s now released
humor. Leaning her head against the top of Sango�s, her eyes fell
shut, her tinkling laughter still spilling from her lips. Kami, how long had it
been since she laughed?
The darkness suddenly seemed a pinch lighter and the
anguish a dash more manageable to Sango. Smiling contentedly she snuggled
closer to Kagome, trying to show she was still there. The quiet of the night
encased them once again, the cricket�s notes a little too high here and there.
Her eyes drooped closed, the comfort of Kagome�s laughter hummed her the sweetest story. On the brink of a forgotten dream,
Sango felt a drip of something wet land against her scalp. Groaning, her voice
was caked with misuse. �Kagome, it�s raining, we should go in.� Her body
protesting valiantly, she pulled away from Kagome.
The lifeless droop of Kagome�s head cut through Sango like
ridged glass. Dumbfounded at the drastic change in disposition, her reaction
was caged in with her thoughts. Lifting an unstable hand, she reached for
Kagome, her very eyes inquiring what stories were hidden. Hand connecting with
Kagome�s shoulder, Sango felt her entire form shake with uncontained sobs.
Retrieving coherency, she gripped Kagome to her, arms wrapping tightly around
the battered soul.
Sinking into depths of solitude, delirious eyes widened in
dread, she achieved nothing with the fight to regain will power. Shuddering
through the tragic sounds emanating from her very core, breath was a losing
battle. Cornered by doubts and scenarios, she had lost the war. The death toll
would only rise, the questions ate her alive. Voice ravaged by warriors of the
unmentionable, she attempted to overpower the tears. �If he knew, if he knew
the truth and I went back to him, he would wish I had died Sango. He would wish
I had been the one to die.� The words were uttered just barely, every few words
scattered by heartbreak. Underneath the meaning was clear: I wish I was the one
that died.
Frozen, Sango was sure her heart strings were weakening
once again. She wanted to take Kagome and hide her away, lock her in a room
where there was nothing but sun shine. All she wanted was for her friend to be
happy, and that was a never ending combat that she always lost. This though,
this went beyond being sad. This was death. This is what a person sounded like
when they were dying, dying a tortured death. Choking back her own grief, her
words came out sharper than intended. �No, don�t you say that. You know better
than that Kagome. You�re lucky to be alive.�
Jagged edges of the answers never spoken slashed into her.
Ripping away from Sango she jumped to her feet, intent on running into the
night, hoping to not make it back alive. The sound of Sango�s gasp and the
heavy creaking of the wicker pleaded her to stay. Reaching the top of the step
her resolve wavered along with her strength, a pale hand reaching out to
prevent her fall. Clenching fingers around a wood railing her mind screamed for
control, her body didn�t concede. Pain so sharp, so utterly raw burned her,
barricades melting.
Her knees were the first to forfeit, the remainder of her
body following suit. Sango was at her side, arms around her, supporting her
before her feeble knees could make contact with the unforgiving wood. Gasping,
her mouth fell open, eyes wide, her own consciousness
astonished with her display. Shaking with more force, her bones seemed to
bounce off one another. She had felt it snap, that simple stick that everyone
has hidden deep within themselves. She felt the clean break, heard the echo
throughout her entire being. �No more!� Someone screamed, �Please no more!�
Knuckles going white from the strain of her grip, gushes of
water stormed down her pale cheeks. There was no place of solace this time, no
place to rest. Tear upon tear, blood upon blood, there was no calm. A guttural
and desperate scream swarmed into the star filled night, her heart was
sacrificed first. Slumping against Sango, fingers were ripped across wood with
a sickening scrape. Immobilized by the sheer force of the torment inside her,
her body became nothing more than skin. A haggard plea for mercy in Kagome�s
shriek could have brought the heartless to their knees. �Make it stop! Why
won�t it STOP?�
Clinging to Kagome, her own sobs of misery holding her
captive, Sango was lost. Forgotten were her worries, thoughts, and wishes. Only
Kagome was here, only Kagome. For once she stopped looking to rationalize the
situation, to figure out the best way to deal with it. No, all that remained
was the angst of this moment. The suffering Kagome held in for months. The
torment she only showed on that gruesome day. The pain she never truly let out
tangled them both in a hideous tale. Gasping for breath, her words were hardly
understandable. �I�m so sorry Kagome, I�m so very sorry.�

~~~~~About
Three Months Ago~~~~~

Standing at the disgustingly green counter in Sango�s
kitchen, Kagome was mixing them both up a batch of brownies. Just finished with
adding in the eggs she turned to the waste basket, tossing the used shells
inside. All the ingredients added, she took out the whisk and started to work
the unappealing substance. Glancing over to the oven she nodded at the three
hundred and fifty degrees it was currently preheating to. Attention back on her
mixing, she smiled at the sound of shuffling feet entering the kitchen.
Sango laughed outright at the site of Kagome in the bright
pink bathrobe, green slippers with the overly large head of a frog, and her hair
strewn in every imaginable way possible. Shaking her head Sango continued to
shuffle forward, her mirth not nearly enough to stop the craving for brownies
now controlling her. Stopping right behind Kagome, Sango peeked
her head over Kagome�s shoulder and grinned. �Brownies at
nine in the morning? You should be ashamed Kagome.�
Grinning right back at Sango, Kagome lifted the whisk and
licked the tip. A joyous groan came out of her mouth at the pure sensory
overload the chocolate gave her. Tossing her sights back to Sango, her voice
taunted her to enjoy in the sin of gluttony. �Shame on me?
Well, I suppose I can�t corrupt you as well. I�ll have to eat all of these by
myself.�
With a laugh Sango snagged the whisk from Kagome and
sauntered toward the table, pulling out an unfurnished chair and plopping
gracelessly into it. Flicking out her tongue to let the sinning commence, Sango
groaned much the same as Kagome. Loving and sweet, under the influence of
chocolate obviously, she smiled. �You have no idea how long I have been craving
brownies. For that matter, I have no idea how long I�ve been craving them, but
it must have been a long time.�
Sharing her own laugh, Kagome picked up the mixing bowl and
moved to the cooking pan on the adjoining hideous counter. �All I know for sure
is that I woke up this morning almost drooling over the craving for them.� She
spoke as she poured the mix into the pan, a spatula scooping up any abandoned
drops.
Frowning as Kagome opened the oven and set the pan on the
top shelf, Sango continued to enjoy the breakfast children dreamed about. �You
know, these cravings I can handle, but did you really need to throw out all of
my licorice?� Sounding slightly miffed, she leaned her elbow against the table.
Face set into a scowl, Kagome set the oven timer for twenty
minutes. Joining Sango at the table, Kagome once again took part in her
uncontrollable craving. �Don�t even mention that word; it still makes my
stomach turn.�
Shaking her head once again at Kagome, Sango couldn�t help
but chuckle. Quickly overturning the ways to move the smallest amount, she
tossed the whisk into the sink on the other side of the kitchen. Mocking the
sound of a muffled crowd she did a joking bow. �Thank you, thank you!�
With a blank face a spatula was waved like a scepter in
front of Sango, Kagome�s eyes anything but serious. �I herby announce you as
Sango Jordan!�
�Hardy har har.� Sango�s tongue made an appearance in a very
childish manner before her lips set into a pout. �I can�t wait for this to be
over. I miss my coffee.� A pitiful glance was spared for the coffee pot that
sat empty for too long.
Narrowing her eyes Kagome followed Sango�s example and
tossed the spatula into the sink, the sound of a slam dunk meeting her ears.
�If I can�t enjoy the wonderful gift that is coffee you will not either. Those
are the rules.�
Taken aback, Sango leaned against the back of the chair. �Rules? Since when are there rules?�
�There were always rules Sango. Just because you didn�t
know them doesn�t mean they weren�t there.� Kagome spoke with nonchalance, as
if they weren�t talking about the very thing that made the world continue to
revolve.
Scowling at Kagome, Sango�s lips deepened in their pout,
her voice impressively dejected. �That�s a very cruel rule to have. It�s not
fair.�
Laughing, Kagome stood to begin washing the materials she
dirtied. Turning her head to look over her shoulder, her voice was anything but
apathetic. �I am so sorry you must suffer this way Sango.�
Snorting, Sango stood as well and headed towards the living
room, but not before leaving her parting words. �I�m sure you are oh mighty
one.� Kagome�s laughter trailed after her as she took hold of the two leashes
hanging from a hook by the front door. At the almost silent sound, two Cocker
Spaniels came rampaging through the house, aiming for her. Smiling at her two
babies, she ruffled the fur on the top of each of their heads. Latching the
leashes onto their collars she opened the door, her arms struggling to contain
the force of their eager movements.
�Enjoy your walk! Brownies await you!� Kagome shouted from
inside the kitchen accompanied by running water and the clink of dishes.
�Save some for me will ya?� Sango
laughed while stepping outside and attempted to gain control of her hyper
active dogs.
�I promise nothing!� Laughter from both ladies followed the
statement.
Shutting the door behind herself,
Sango finally let the dogs have what they desired. Walking behind them with a
grin, she still held tightly onto the leashes. She never got tired of her
morning walks.
Taking a cloth to the last dish, Kagome dried it of every
drop of water. Setting the damp yellow cloth on the counter, the task of
putting the items away commenced. Sighing as she reached on her tip toes to put
the mixing bowl away, her hand went to her abdomen. It had been slightly sore
all morning. A smile broke across her face as her hand rubbed her stomach. Her
little boy or girl was in there, making her life crazy yes, but it was still
her baby.
�It was still too
soon to tell the gender of the baby. She was only five weeks and four days
pregnant and that usually occurred in the sixth or seventh week. There was a
heart beat already though, a beautiful and glorious heartbeat. She had already
had a few prenatal examinations and a few ultrasounds. Yes, it was a little bit
early, but she wanted to hear her baby if nothing else. She got to see the
embryo, her child. She couldn�t wait until the tenth week when her baby would
have made some substantial growth. Of course it grew so rapidly already, never
giving her body a break. She loved it.
Feeling another slight cramp in the right side of her
abdomen, her hand moved to cradle that side. Perhaps it was just gas, which was
nothing new to her. Giving the room a sigh of frustration she started to walk
around the kitchen, hoping to alleviate the pain. After a few minutes of
walking, the pain subsided just as the timer sounded.
Walking slowly to the oven, she turned it off and donned
oven mitts. Opening the oven door, the delectable scent of brownies wafted into
the air. Smiling, she bent over and grasped the edge of the cooking pan just as
a severe pain ran along the bottom of her stomach. Gasping in a helpless breath
of air her hand stumbled for the edge of the counter, legs weak from the pain.
Her hand falling off the oven door handle, it slammed shut with a resounding
threat.
Settling herself gently on the white tiled floor, eyes
clamped in pain, her fingers dug into the flesh of her stomach. Something moved
inside her, and it was a demented movement. It was not normal. She shouldn�t be
feeling movement this early! The dreaded thought caressed her mind darkly and
she refused to acknowledge it. There was no possible reason for that to be the
case.
�Teeth clashing
together more in horror than actual pain, her eyes opened wide in dismay. Not
having the strength, but knowing it was required, she looked down. Her throat
stung with the force of breath leaving her body. �Oh Kami no..�
her breath carried the shear horror of her heart. This was not possible! There
was no reason for it, no reason. It�s a dream, and sick and twisted nightmare.
Blood began to stain the front of her no longer purple
sleeping shorts, the bright red darkening into crimson. Sheer shock set on her
face as the blood stain grew larger, a puddle forming beneath her. Feeling
something fairly large start to move out of her, both hands clawed at her
stomach. Terror. Panic. It
crashed into her like a cold shower; she lost control over her words. The
sensation of another large fragment leaving her body forced her to lurch
sideways, purging her stomach of all its contents. Tears blurred her eyes as
she stared at the mess she created.
Suddenly the front door burst open and the angry voice of
Sango filled the house, sounding slightly winded. �No! You dogs stay outside
for a while until you learn not to drag people through mud!� There was a
chorused whine followed by the retreating claws against wood. �You would think
I would learn not to take them for walks after a night of rain!� The voice got
closer as it turned teasing. �I swear to Kami Kagome, if those brownies are
gone I�m kick�Kagome! What happened?� The teasing voice turned to surprised, to
horror so fast it made Kagome dizzy. Or it could have been the blood loss, she
wasn�t sure.
Sango couldn�t move, she couldn�t breathe. The site before
her immobilized her entire being. She forgot about her mud soaked clothes and
her drenched socks. Nothing else seemed to matter besides what was in front of
her. Leaned against the counter, covered in blood and the contents of her
stomach sat a shocked Kagome. Seeing Kagome�s eyes droop closer to shutting
after each blink everything slammed into place at the same time. Running
towards the phone in the living room, her face was set into a deadly look.
Picking up the phone, she dialed the well known numbers, on the second ring a
dispatcher answered in a falsified concerned tone. Sango could not have cared
less at this moment. Her words came out rushed and terrified, funny; she didn�t
realize how terrified she was until that moment. �I think my friend is having a
miscarriage! She is almost six weeks pregnant and there is blood everywhere! My
name is Sango Adachi, I live at fifteen twenty-five Wallnut street! It's just outside of the Air Force Base!
Please, get your asses out here!� The last sentence more of a threat as the
phone was slammed down.
Kagome was about to let unconsciousness take her when she
heard the word Miscarriage. Her head shook back and forth repeatedly, her eyes
locking onto her stomach. �No.� The word started as a whisper and soon grew
into a scream. �NO! I am NOT having a miscarriage! Don�t you dare say that!
Don�t you dare!� Her whole body started to shake with
her rage, or was it the shock her body was entering, she wasn�t sure.
Hearing Sango run to the sink and grab towels, she blocked
the sound of water from her mind. She wasn�t having a miscarriage. This was her
child, this was her baby, her little boy or girl. This baby was real! There was
no way it could be taken away so easily. It wasn�t possible. A person doesn�t
just disappear like that! A heart beat doesn�t just suddenly stop without any
warning, it doesn�t happen!
No, her child was safe and growing. In a few weeks she
would find out the gender and get to see her baby�s arms and legs for the first
time. She would be able to pick which name to call her child. She would be able
to start shopping for clothes, toys, and finally fill out the paper work for
her little girl or boy�s birth certificate. The ultrasound photos of her
child�s growth would be put into the scrapbook she bought.
An ice cold cloth on her forehead snapped her to the
present. Disbelieving eyes met terrified ones. Anger filled her so rapidly at
the look in Sango�s eyes she could only make a growl of protest. Didn�t Sango
see the truth? Didn�t she see this was all a mistake? Shaking her head again,
the towel fell helplessly against the tile, her words were stuttered out. �This
is all just a nightmare Sango. Don�t you look at me like that! It�s just a
nightmare!�
Sango closed her eyes and fought the hardest she ever had
before against her tears and still failed. Sorrow rolled down her face as her
eyes met Kagome�s once again and she took her turn in shaking her head. Her
words were so broken; it was hard to disbelieve them. �No Kagome, this isn�t a
nightmare.�
Kagome recoiled from Sango like she�d been slapped, her
eyes wide. Quickly the approach of anger and fear fueled her to strike Sango so
hard she fell against the cabinets. �It is a dream! Don�t you lie to me! My
baby is fine, my sweet baby is fine!�
A sob tore from Sango as her head shook once again, her
eyes stubbornly and regretfully meeting Kagome�s. �No it�s not Kagome.� Her
words were whispered, begging forgiveness.
�Sango..� Kagome pleaded, her eyes
overflowing with anguish. Again Sango shook her head and Kagome�s breath caught
sharply, her pupils dilating. �No Sango, please no. Please, please no. My baby
Sango! I don�t want to lose my baby! Please, please NO!� Her screams became
louder and less sane as the truth was read clearly in Kagome�s eyes. The baby
was already gone. Her little baby was already gone.
Forever embedded in Sango�s mind was the sound of sirens in
the background that only amplified Kagome�s screams of pure torment.

~~~~~Present~~~~~

Kagome lost her child that day. It was stolen from her for
no cause. After consenting to a D and C, dilation and curettage, she was given
sedatives to sleep. The remains of the baby removed, Kagome had nothing left.
When she awoke, she wasn�t the same. She would never be the same. Her precious
child was taken and no one could answer why. The doctors all gave the same
answers; they all said the same damn thing. It�s almost impossible to know what
causes a miscarriage. Shouldn�t they be able to figure it out by now!?
Approximately twenty percent of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Didn�t
they have enough data yet? How much more did they need!?
Her last sob broke from her as the anger faded. She wanted
to stay angry because it meant she wasn�t sad. It meant she could stop blaming
herself for one moment and place that burden on someone else. Everyone repeated
how she wasn�t the cause, how she did nothing wrong, but that did little if
nothing. There had been a life growing inside of her, a piece of her life. To
feel that, to feel that leave you is a horror story no
one can tell. A life you cared for, you created, to have it die inside you; no
one can understand that kind of torture.
Sometimes when she was alone she still felt something
growing inside of her, even if the ultrasounds said there was nothing there.
She found herself rubbing soft circles on her stomach and humming lullabies,
her mind still not accepting the truth. For weeks after the actual miscarriage
she had continued to bleed and her pregnancy symptoms remained. It was like a
sick game of �let�s see how much she can take'.
Feeling pregnant was a constant reminder that she would
never be strong enough to carry her baby to the end. It was a constant reminder
of what she lost. She would never see her baby. She would never hold him or
her, never kiss it, never be able to rock it to sleep when he or she was
cranky. She would never know the feeling of being woken up at two in the
morning by her baby�s wails. No, she would never be graced with those wails.
Kami, what a cruel world it was. The only thing holding her
together died because of her. Another sob broke from her battered throat.� Curling more into Sango, she felt Sango give
her a tight squeeze of comfort. She still didn�t understand and didn�t think
she ever would. Why couldn�t she have died? Her child was the one who deserved
a chance to live. Her baby, her sweet baby deserved to live. Her precious baby
deserved the world.
Sitting on the wood desk in Kagome�s dark room was a photo
album. Inside was a lone picture of an ultrasound with the most complex words
written above it in neat black letters: [i]I love you.[/i]

~~~~~End
Chapter~~~~~

Hey everyone. Well, this chapter was a long and very hard
one for me to write. I don�t know how many times I had to stop because I
couldn�t stand to write anymore, the tears got in the way. I don�t know if
you�ll enjoy this, or find it good, but I put my heart and soul into this
chapter. I am personally very proud of it. My goal with this was to touch the
lives of others and connect in a different way, in pain. I hope it affected you
all as much as it did me. Thank you for reading. - Akumi
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