Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 21
- 22
- 23
A/N: I'm baaaaack! Thank you for the overwhelming response and I do hope that this chapter will answer a few of the questions you all had regarding the last chapter! :) Thank you for your constant support.
Red Lotus
Chapter 22: The Propping
His hands went through the motion, pouring coffee, flipping eggs, as though it was another ordinary morning. Perhaps, he was right, perhaps it was. Wait, she sat motionless in her seat while staring down at her white porcelain plate. In all honestly, she expected him to be gone before she woke up - especially considering the fact that she slept like a rock. Of course, that was only because she forgot that today was saturday. She lifted herself, standing straight. She was a bit sore and despite the many hours of sleep she got, she was exhausted. It was a little too much exercise for her weak body. Her hands unconsciously moved to her stomach and she held it. He - hm, inside. They did it. He took her virginity away - his own virginity as well. They went past the point of no return. And now she was left with this feeling inside her guts.
And he was fine.
He was fine because he did not feel. It might have been rough and messy - a lot messier than she ever anticipated - but it did not change the closeness they shared. It burst her heart right open. That along with the words he screamed at her, forcing her to look at realities she did not want to see. It damaged her to the core and it shattered her heart, simply because she let herself feel for him. It was probably easier to be him, easier not to feel.
One aspect Kagome never considered was that appearances were misleading.
Sesshomaru's grip upon the black handle was tight, his fingers quivering under the pressure. He could hear the cheap plastic squeak beneath his touch but he did not release his hold. His amber eyes stayed focus on the food, refusing to glance anywhere else. Looking in her direction would bring forth an unpredictable reaction and he was not ready to test it yet. His mind, along with his body, vividly remembered the throbbing that was forced upon them during the previous night. After he bite her, he felt her wobbly body and knew he had pushed her to her limits. Once she went to her bed, he remained awake. He did not find a wink of sleep. Instead, he cleaned. Their discussion forced a mess and he scrubbed away until everything was pristine.
He bit her again, the right way. The taste of her blood remained in his mouth like a bad after taste. Rage seeped through his blood and he relinquished all of his self control. The agonizing part? He revelled in it, he reached completion while nestled deep inside of her. Small problem; none of their physical closeness fixed the many problems at hand; her attitude regarding herself, her shrink, the whole dilemma about children… it remained.
Plus another question; was he doomed to lose himself to the pleasure of the flesh? If he looked at her, would he take her again? Could he keep a cool headed attitude? She might not feel the same about it. He knew she enjoyed it, especially if her wetness was any indication, but she did not experience an orgasm. He admitted that he might be responsible for some clumsiness but… it did not matter. If she agreed to them conceiving a child, there would be more encounter. If she did not… then it was best - to simply go with the flow - no matter how much he despised that mindset.
He removed the eggs from the stove and retrieved the spatula. He slid them in her plate in a jerking motion and put it back down.
"Thank you," her voice was quiet, barely audible.
The silence was broken.
"Are you well?"
Blue orbs darted, eyes opened wide and she forced her glance his way. For the first time since then, their eyes met. "I'm fine," she replied, breathless.
He nodded, eyes dragging over every features of her face. There was uncertainty dancing in her eyes, a hint of worry shining through. He knew what was the cause of that concern. "You were not fertile."
"I'm sorry?"
"Last night, you were not fertile." She never gave him her express consent about the child. It was not his place to make the decision for her. He might have gotten caught up in the moment and sensations but he still knew at the time that his actions would not result in a pregnancy.
"Oh." She held back her sigh of relief and instead allowed her shoulders to drop down. There was that. Although they discussed the topic, she did not make up her mind. Many questions were left behind - and though most of them concerned her lack of skills in motherhood, some were related to their current situation. "I don't think it's a good idea."
"Yes, you have expressed that." And he expressed how foolish he thought she was.
She saw the flutter in his eyes, the look that told her he hardly believed she would make a bad mother. "Those concerns aside, there are still a lot of things wrong with this." He stayed silent but his eyes were on her, letting her know she had his complete attention. "I mean, we're not a couple."
"I have witnessed a fair amount of…strange parenting in this era."
Point taken. "But - I mean, the child might not understand. We're together, we'll be doing things together but - we…" Actually she did not know what kind of things they might be doing together. It might involve a lot of platonic situations or perhaps the way they break through their barrier… they might be very physical. She still did not know where any of this was leading.
"He will be raised in this environment, it will be normal for him."
"And where would you put that child?" She gestured to the space around them. "Between the couch and the desk? There are no more rooms."
They could move - although he was not convinced his salary would be enough to cover the cost of a new, more expensive apartment along with a child. He was the sole provider and that was something that had to be taken into consideration. She brought forward good questions and she sounded more intelligible than the previous night. However, he had to admit, he missed the fire in her voice and the sparkle in her eyes.
"We have two bedrooms."
"So the baby would share a room with one of us?" It might make sense for a while but once their child upgraded from a crib to a bed… She swallowed hard, a lump forming in her throat. She was talking about it as though it were real, as though it would happen. The whole point of this conversation was to show him his idea was insane and it would never work. They were not a proper couple and would confuse their child. It would live in an awkward, broken environment and - and - they simply had nowhere to keep the baby.
She missed his point. "We would share a bedroom." He intended on keeping as much of his freedom as he could. He shared his place with her, his body and even his emotions. His bedroom was to be a safe sanctuary. Regardless, all those foolish thoughts were from before he gave into the carnal pleasures and took her body. At this point, it was rather useless to keep her away. Plus, she was not bothersome. They shared living quarters for a while now and it was rare that her presence irked him. She had no displeasing habits, she was a quiet creature… if he could deal with passing as a human and dealing with idiots all day long, he could tolerate having her in the same bed as him.
"Me? In your bed?" Against her will, heat rose to her cheeks and a soft pink colored her sick cheeks. It nearly sounded wrong.
"Yes. It would make a more convenient situation."
"You don't want me in your bed."
"I believe that you are hardly a reference on what I do and do not want."
And she was speechless in front of his accusation. There was not much she could retort to his words. She did not know about him. If she did she might not have been surprised by his request. She was fairly annoyed that he had a counter argument for all her arguments. He was not supposed to have thought this through - it should have been something he asked on an impulse, something he would regret. Though she remembered his words of rage, the one accusing her of fighting for nothing, of demanding pity. It was not what she was doing, it was not defining her. She wanted to prove him wrong but she did not feel this was the answer. It would not make her a better mother. She would still lack the basic requirements to be a good mother.
"I already annoy you."
He quirked a silver eyebrow, a bit surprised for the first time. "You annoy me?"
"You weren't too happy with me last night."
"Because you spoke foolishness; ending your life, lacking skills to be a mother."
"I was not going to end my life. I just needed help." She still did. Also, she was mad at herself for revealing that truth to him. She managed to hide it fairly well from the beginning and in one stupid moment she let it all out.
"Regardless of what you meant, they were foolish words. You are not this, you are not pathetic."
"I'm not pathetic," she snapped back.
He held back a smirk. The fire was still inside of her, brewing away secretly. Perhaps she needed a little help pushing it out. "Then you should not believe you could not be a good mother."
"We'll try it." It became clear that Sesshomaru refused to listen to reason. It might be that the only way to prove her point was by demonstrating it. "I'll share your bed." It was hard to say it with a straight face without letting blood rush to her face but she managed to do it. "If you can tolerate me, I'll - I'll do it." The words forced a shake in her voice and she swallowed hard. She would mess up a life, give her child less than it deserved. But he might not. And there was the guilt, the one where he gave up so much to save her life and she owed him that - or whatever else he requested of her. The problem was, she did not know if she could psychologically handle his request.
No matter; she gave her word.
He moved his hand to his face, holding his chin between his index and thumb. It was a fair request - one he nearly proposed himself when he offered a solution to the problem. Obviously, he did not think they would share sleeping quarters this quickly but perhaps it was a necessary modification to his plan. It was not only about the child. It was convenient and he did need one and despite her beliefs, he knew she would make a great mother. He needed a child and she - deep down - wanted them. It was good for everyone. BUT it was also good for her. She lost all respect for herself, all will to push past her old limitations. She needed something to hold on to, something that would let her move on past her near death experience.
Sesshomaru was bonded to her through emotions and life. He would not have her feeling such pity at all time. It had to cease.
"Then we shall."
"You want me to sleep in your bedroom?"
He nodded in agreement. "We can start this evening."
Her lips parted, her mouth hung low and she stared at him with disbelief. Apparently he was as stubborn as she was. "Okay. But it has to be for more than one night."
"How long do you suggest?"
"A week."
"You will share my bedroom for a week. If I prove that I can tolerate your presence, you will agree to my proposition?"
"Yes."
He was nearly pleased with her fast reply but he held back his smirk. It was measly price to pay for everything that would be given in exchange. He dealt with much more than this and he gave up a lot more. At this point, it was not much. Also, anything that affected her emotions positively was a good thing for him.
He could do this.
-R-
The day went by faster than either of them could expect it. Kagome remained out of his way for the most part, preparing herself for the night to come. After breakfast, she showered - something she desperately needed after the previous events that transpired between them. It was during that long, scorching shower that she noticed the soreness between her legs. It was to be expected she supposed. It did not hurt as much as she thought it would. That was a good thing even if it did not explain the hollowness, the aching in her stomach. Also, she did not truly feel as if they were physically closer than before. She remained awkward around him and he kept his detached facade. Then again, plenty of people had sex without having an emotional connection.
Maybe it was the way it was for them. Or at least for him. She knew she had way too many feelings pulsing in her chest. But they were her problems, and she was the one who had to deal with that.
After her never ending shower she returned to her bedroom and began dealing with clothes. She wore whatever to bed; it hardly mattered. Plus, everything she owned was big on her - except that dress he got for her. Thoughts of clothes forced her mind on money and then her worries began all over again. She would be forced to buy new clothes, there would be doctors appointments and so many vitamins and whatever else her weak body required. Could he truly afford all that on his salary? Granted, it was Sesshomaru. He would not be one to put his child's life in danger. If he thought he could not feed it, he would not have it. Right? Maybe it was her twisted mind coming up with any possible excuses to find a fail in this whole situation.
Once she lost enough time with clothes, she realized she did not own anything nice. He never saw her dressed properly meaning he probably was not expecting anything out of this. When it was all done, she decided to remain in her bedroom. She focused her mind on a book but it failed. She kept at it until bed time rolled along. Sex was exhausting, a lot more than anticipated and it was barely eight o'clock when her eyelids began to close on their own. It was time. It was her deal which meant she could not coward out of it. He accepted it - gladly even, meaning she was stuck in this. Kagome removed her clothes and picked up the ones she put aside. It was nothing much; grey sweat pants and a white t-shirt. Once she slipped them on, she headed for her door.
Her breath was caught in her throat while trembling white finger awkwardly gripped the handle. She opened the door and on the other side she found an empty living room. What she did notice was his open bedroom door. He was waiting for her. Did he expect her to be tired early? He must have noticed how awful she looked. Teeth dug in her bottom lip and she headed forward. Her footsteps were quiet and slow, bare feet pressing to the cold wooden floor. Once she arrived in front of his door, she raised an unsure hand and knocked on his door with faint strength.
"Come in," he invited.
She snuck past the doorway and finally caught a glimpse of him. He was in the bed, on the left side, a green covered book in his graceful hands. She lingered a bit before approaching the bed.
"This is your room. You have no reason to knock."
His tone was neutral and yet she felt as though he was mocking her. "I'll remember that." She was uncomfortable with the thought of invading his privacy without a warning. She was about to ask if she could lay in bed but she had a feeling he would give her the same answer. She grabbed the edge of the egg white comforter and lifted it. She slid under the caramel sheets and pulled everything back on top of her. She imagined he was already displeased with the lack of room in his bed.
At least it was not their first time sharing a bed.
She pushed her shoulders back, leaning against the soft white pillow beneath her. She looked forward, at the open door and frowned. "Sorry, I forgot to close it." She was about to leave the bed when slender fingers put a halt to her motions. They wrapped delicately around her wrist, tugging her downwards.
"Leave it be."
Nobody else was in the apartment. Usually, it separated him from her but now that she laid beside him, there was hardly a point to it. She met his gaze with a lack of conviction shining in her eyes. Regardless of how wary she was, she stayed put and offered him a quick nod. He released her, his fingertips caressing her skin as though it was by accident. Her back strengthened, her breathe stolen away. He watched with need as her body heat up underneath his smallest touch. He breathed in, keeping quiet, and returned his attention to his book. He did not bring her in his bedroom to bed her. Although, they were both aware it would happen eventually. Considering how confusing their relationship could be at time, he would not force an obligation upon her.
It was beneath him to make her feel pressure to do something with him. He did not want pity, guilt wrench, uncomfortable sex. The whole act was one he disregarded in the past and it did not hold the most utter importance to him.
She snuggled herself deeper into the bed and almost popped her lips. The blanket was up to her nose, shielding her face from his eyes. She never considered how awkward it might be. Usually, she was fine with the silence between them - not anymore. It was not so much the setting as it was what happened. Kagome shifted her gaze to the left and stared at him while he completed his reading. Spying was bad and she should not do it. Instead, she should close her eyes and go to bed. Was she not tired? It was why she came to bed right? She simply needed to return to that drowsy state. Easy right? She tore herself away from him, showing him her back, and closed her eyes tightly shut.
Think of sleeping.
"Do you wish for me to turn off the light?"
"Oh - no, it's fine. I don't mind."
Ignoring her words, she heard him shut his book and then put it down on the bedside table. The hard cover thumped against the wood and then, there was cling. No more light. He shifted into the bed, probably laying down and her heart sped up. He probably was not tired. She was not even tired anymore. She held her breathe as he moved around, placing the blankets around his body. When he became still again, she let the air out of her lungs. She tried to remain steady, unmoved as though she was sleeping but she knew there was no way she could fool him. This situation increase the ache, the feeling deep in her guts - the one she had not managed to get rid of ever since they did it.
His body radiated warmth and she could feel it transfer to her. She swallowed hard and dug her face deeper into the pillow. This was absolutely ridiculous. She slept with him, he was inside of her and she could not even look at him. Was it the shame? The guilt? All the truths she admitted about herself? He had this fighter vision of her and she wondered where he got that idea in the first place. She was a disappointment. A groan threatened to escape her, forcing her to do the only action she could do; she turned around. She thought she would find asleep - or see his back. She was wrong. His amber eyes flashed in the darkness while he peered at her with such an intensity that she was forced to shiver.
"Is something the matter?" he asked, completely neutral.
How could it be that nothing affected him?
"I - I don't know."
He arched an eyebrow before lifting his head from the pillow. "Are you hurt?"
She shook her head. A mist hazed over her eyes and she found herself unable to explain the presence of her tears. She needed something to chase the ache away and she did not even know what it was. "I -" How could she tell him words she did not know? "It's frustrating."
From his expression she quickly understood that her words made no sense to him.
"I need something. I just - I don't know what it is. It's frustrating."
He stared at her for a moment, contemplating her situation. His head tilted to the left and then, he approached her. She held her breathe while his nose made contact with her throat. Heat puddled in her stomach as he rubbed it leaving soft ministrations against her aching flesh. Heat formed between her legs and she squeezed them. First mistake. She winced at the sensation and he immediately found himself pulling away.
"You are hurt."
"No - I - I'm, it's - hm, sore."
That was a possibility that he did not consider.
And it probably would not help her in easing out her problem. He easily found out the source of her aggravation; it was hidden in her scent. She was sexually frustrated - which was his fault and he would be lying to himself if he said it did not bruise his ego.
"You did not reach completion last night."
Compl- oh. Well, no. But - how could he say it so casually?
"You are frustrated because of it."
It appeared that her problem was not going away anytime soon. "Oh." What else could she say?
Sesshomaru was half way back to his own side of the bed and yet he could not retract himself further. Before, he almost had a hard time distinguishing his needs from hers. Now that the bond was complete and stronger, the task was even arduous. His touch awoke a need in her, a spike in her scent and it intensified her frustration. He could feel it all through his own body. He could go back to her neck, lap at the skin and taste her. He was known for his self control, one he managed to keep for a long time. He might have a beast but he refused to become a beast to his desires. He came to peace with what was happening to them but - simply taking whenever the need arose? Was that his new lifestyle?
Without realizing, Kagome began panting. He was close but so far. She was torn between pulling away and leaning in. There was still the ghost of his presence against the skin of her neck. Was he right? Was she frustrated because she came close to a release that she never obtained?
She made the mistake for him.
Kagome leaned in.
His hand ended up on her shoulder, fingers pressing into the flesh. He gripped at her, his nose bumping against hers. Sesshomaru pushed her head backwards, showing her neck to his sight. He leaned forward, leaving open mouthes kisses along the edge of her throat. A needy moan past her lips and she tilted her head back even more, giving him better access. At a quick pace, his hand left her shoulder and suddenly, it was pressing into a spot in the mattress right beside her body. He used his new found hold to manoeuvre himself on top of her, his lips glued to her neck. Her body twisted with need beneath his, the puddle of warmth in her stomach expanding, creating a hollower need.
She meant to keep her hands by her side but they quickly tangled with his hair, roaming over the surface of his muscular back. A hint of fang brushed up against her and she immediately jerked forward, moulding her body into his. He trailed one of his hands to her hips, squeezing it and keeping her into place. Everything he touched set her on fire; why was she so sensitive to his touch? She swallowed hard, trying to keep her panting down while he devoured her neck. A wetness was forming between her legs and she barely resisted the urge to rub her thighs together to remove the tension. Her heart was racing, everything was a haze and she needed all of it. Her inexperienced made it worse.
Her scent was everywhere.
He craved to hold his breathe to keep the scent away but he could not. Each time he kissed her, each time he filled his lungs with air, her sweet spicy scent assaulted his nostrils. It traveled through him, heightening his own desires. Already the blood had rushed downwards and he was left with a problem of his own. He kept his touches proper, never venturing away from her neck, always peppering open mouth kisses. His skin was on fire, demanding more and he knew if he simply lowered his hips, he would be able to thrust into her wet, awaiting core. Her juices were beginning to seep through her sweat pants, rendering her need even harder to deny. Her moans were also a torture to his ears.
"Sess-" She wanted to speak but was unable to catch her breathe. What did she wanted to ask? Did she want to ask him for this? It was his fault. He mentioned the cause of her discomfort and now it was impossible to chase it away from her mind. Was she sexually frustrated? She did feel that way at that particular moment. And there was no dying the hardness between his legs, the one that would sometimes brush up against her inner thigh while he attacked her neck. He wanted her. This was it, this was the extent of what she would get from him. No feeling, but desire. One he might not want, but one he had accepted. Her growing feelings would receive nothing else in return. And it was okay. She did not ask to feel something for him. And he certainly never asked to have anything to do with her.
Kagome dared to raise one of her legs up, almost hooking it around his waist.
He plunged deeper into his carnal desire. He slipped his hand around her thigh, securing it around him. Her hips leaned forward, thrusting herself into him in a foolish attempt to take away the build up need inside of her. It only made it worse and it only provoked him further. Hands tangled in her hair, fingers tugging at her locks but she felt none of it. She lost herself in his touch, in the warmth that wrapped around her mind. Her chest was barely rising, her breaths all short. Fumbling fingers played with the hem of her sweat pants and her heart quit beating for a second. Was he going to pull down? The desire was overwhelming, the thundering of her body shaking her to her core.
Sesshomaru pulled his head away from her neck and stared into her eyes. There was a slight color to his cheeks, strikingly different from his usual pale skin. His eyes were mixing with red, his gaze focus as though he was a predator. He was one; he took. He was searching for an answer, asking her if he could keep going. Did he truly know that little about her? She lost the moment she let herself feel for feelings clouded her every decisions, influenced every actions she took. How could she saw no when he sent her world spiralling down?
She offered him a nod and he took her up on her offer.
Rapidly, there was a rush of cold air brushing beneath her rear, while her sweatpants and underwear ended up on the floor. Hand kneaded her rear, claws prickling at the flesh. She arched her back, pushing covered breasts into his chest. Her eyes were closed, too ashamed to look at him. She did feel as he let go of her ass. At first she did not know why but after a few moments she quickly guessed. He was pushing against her again; except this time there was no longer a barrier. It was his hard length against her dripping core. He lowered his body, grabbing the edge of her shirt and pulled it over her head. He discarded it with the rest of her clothes and tried to lower himself back down even more.
She stopped him.
She snatched his shirt from his body, revealing all the muscles of his chest. She pressed her hands flat against it, roaming them down. A bit lower, there was that tuft of silver hair, the one that sent blood rushing to her cheeks. His hands settled on her hips, squeezing her tightly. He pushed his hard length against her and she buckled her hips. She forced a contact. His erection slid across her wet opening and tore a moan from her throat. Her entire body was throbbing with the promise of a satisfied need and she could hardly contain her impatience.
For the second time, she felt the tip of his cock against her core. That was it.
Once again, he went all in.
Except the initial feeling was completely different.
She did feel a slight ping of pain at first because of her soreness, but it quickly dissipated. Instead the feeling of being stretched and filled to the brim sent tremors of pleasure through her body. As he slid in completely she uttered a long moan, her back arch and her breasts pressed into him. Her thighs clasped down, almost afraid he was going to slip out and deprive her of the desire roaring through her body. And he did slightly pull out but it was not to retire himself from her; it was to slam back in harder. She buckled under his every thrusts, her small breasts bouncing, her chest heaving with deep breathes. She panted, she moaned, she lost herself into the sensation.
Meanwhile Sesshomaru's thighs were quivering, his lust barely kept in check. How could he want it so much when he had her a mere day ago? Although this was different. She was demanding, she was in need and it was calling out to him. Not only that but there was no pain, no restraint. He could pound into her as hard as he wanted and she would only moan louder. And faster he did go. He was using his weight to keep her down while he thrusted inside of her without limitations. Juices spilled out of her each time he slid out and it sucked him back in. Each time he pushed further, her walls tighten around him, squeezing him, threatening to empty him of his own release. But not yet.
He leaned forward, forcing his chest and her legs closer to her body. It also gave him a better access to plunge into her.
Her fingers found their way in his hair and she sunk her blunt teeth deep in her bottom lip, drawing blood. Lust hazing him, he dove forward and lapped her lips, filling his mouth with the taste of her blood. Then, his tongue slipped inside and he overtook her mouth, forcing needy kisses and a submission of her own tongue. She let him have all the control, never stopping him, never fighting him. He took as much as he wanted and then she gave him some more. He used his hands to force her legs apart and he watched her jerk forward, whispers of lust escaping her sweet lips.
"See-s oh." His speed was never faltering, always pushing, stretching her to her limit. "Too - too much." The feeling building inside of her was overwhelming, taking over her mind. She wanted to push him out and keep him locked in at the same time and she was not sure which was the best option.
"Just - please."
She was begging for him to give her an orgasm. As if his pride would let him back down from a challenge. Last time, he did not get her to explode around him, this time would be different. His cock was pulsing inside of her, demanding more and more. Her slick wetness was leaking down his own thighs, the shake of his body indicating that he was near his own completion.
He slammed into her once, then twice.
He bent forward even more, her legs now nearly around his neck. He had never been this deep inside of her before. Blunt nails dug into his bare back, making swipes at breaking his skin but it never happened. She did drag them up and down over and over again despite the lack of results. Her moans of pleasure were the only sound filling his ears as he used more of his speed to ram into her.
Then he felt it. She sat up, chests colliding, nails shaking against his flesh and she tossed her head backward. Her sweat covered hair flung back as well, and her mouth opened wide as a throaty moan emerged, her entire body shaking like a leaf. "Sesshomaru."
And he came undone.
She squeezed him tight, stealing from him everything he had to give, while her walls quivered around him. His eyes rolled back, his hands holding her waist forcefully, probably leaving marks behind, and he emptied himself inside of her while she coated him with her essence. His cock pulsed within her while his hips kept jerking with small movements.
The warm liquid filled her again and she trembled with need. She wheezed, unable to catch her breathe while her body dropped onto his from exhausting. His hands around her were the only thing keeping her straight up. Once his seed filled her, he dropped them back down to the bed, her sticky skin sticking to his. Again, her breathes were nothing more than wheezing sounds but he did not detect any panic from her; she was alright. He tore himself from her core before dropping on his back right beside her. She felt his seed spill out of her but she could not move; she was locked into place.
Meanwhile he stared at the ceiling, his hair fawning around his head.
For a brief instant he wondered if she was right; was it an inconvenient to have her in his bedroom?
What he could not figure out was…was it a good thing or a bad thing?
-R-
"I'm sorry for the way I ran off last time."
Dr. Izu dismissed her with a gesture of the hand. "This is for you Kagome, to help you. You were not comfortable in the situation and you retired yourself from it."
Yeah, and then she got tipsy and ran straight into Sesshomaru's - yeah. "I- I still wanted to apologize."
"Did you want to discuss the same issues as last time or is there something else on your mind?" If she wanted to make some progress with Kagome, she could not scare her away again. They would have to follow her pace if they wanted to find a solution to this problem.
"I care for him - more than he cares for me." There it was; she admitted the blunt truth out loud. Of course, it might not make much sense to her psychologist. "I - I knew that. I always knew that but -" She popped her lips. "I don't always know how to keep it locked in." She did not want to demand his touch, she did not want to invade his personal bubble without an invitation.
"How do you mean?"
"I - " How to explain it. "I can't just walk up and kiss him."
"He is your husband is he not?"
There it was. The reason, the lie that made it all so complicated. "Yes, but he's not - he doesn't like those kind of things."
"You think you love him more than he loves you."
Love. It was an awfully big word. Love. She did not love Sesshomaru. He was hardly the perfect candidate for such a situation. She liked him, she had growing feelings for him and she was perhaps more attached than she should be but it was in no way love. She did not love him. She could not love him because that would lead her nowhere. Her feelings for him were dangerous. They were getting more and more involved - sex, perhaps a child. She truly needed to separate her feelings from all the obligations. She could not let herself be fooled by what only was because it had to be. If it were not for the bond, he would never have slept with her and if it were not for the convenience of the situation, he would have never asked her to bear his child.
"I know I do."
"And you're afraid to show him that."
She nodded.
"Why?" Dr. Izu asked as she tilted her head to the left. "Will he get mad?"
Immediately, Kagome shook her head. "No, of course not." She did not want to paint Sesshomaru was a violent character.
"Then why not let him on?"
"Because it would be troublesome for him and he doesn't need this." He had other things to worry about than her state of mind and her little stupid feelings. Plus, it might make the whole situation more awkward. They already had a bit of difficulty having conversations and dealing with what was happening. They did not need this extra complication.
"Then don't tell him with words. Show him."
"Show him?"
"Little kisses, little touches."
"I can't do that either."
"It might help you get back a sexual life with your husband."
At the words Kagome's cheeks fired red.
"Or, perhaps you've already solve that issue."
Kagome could not longer make eye contact with Dr. Izu, instead, she began to find the ground interesting and kept her gaze low. She gave no verbal answer but she knew that her non-verbal was giving the answer for her.
"Are you happy about that?"
"Yes," she croaked out.
It was the only type of affection she would ever get from him. It helped put a balm over the wounds of her heart - how could she possibly be against it? She knew the bond gave her heightened desires but it was not the reason she began to fall for him in the first place. It came through his actions. For him, it was different but he said it clearly himself, he did not feel pity for himself. He took. And that night, he took. He dealt with it, much better than she ever did.
"Did it help you two?"
"I guess."
They were sharing a bedroom, they already did it a second time. Clearly it was an improvement from all the torture they inflicted upon themselves.
"Things are not always dark, Kagome."
Except, they would always be. She would continue to fall deeper and deeper for him and he would roam those large hands over her body, fulfilling the only need he had towards her. And it would never be more than that. She was stepping into a downwards spiral and she did not know how to keep her head out of the water. How not to lose herself further. It was the only way to protect herself. She had to see things in his perspective. Or take the only thing she could take.
Could she do that?
-R-
For the first time, Kagome stepped back into the house and Sesshomaru knew where she had been. As a matter of fact he had offered to take her but she refused. She wanted to keep her routine plus she often came out of there emotional unstable and it was best if she had a bit of time to collect herself. She had to admit, as she dropped her purse to the ground, that she felt awkward that he knew. She explained that it had nothing to do with ending her life and he let her go without a fight. Obviously, he did make it clear that she was not to give into the darkness. She was not to let herself die after he gave up so much. And she would not.
But the question lingered in her mind.
Could she take what she needed to take another step, to take another breathe?
His presence was suffocating, forced her to struggle for air.
He was sitting on the couch, his legs crossed, while he watched her from the corner of his eye. He would not ask her how it went - it was none of his business. Plus, she went through a great deal to keep it from him. It was none of his business and she could do what she pleased. As long as it was not harmful. His eyes watched her feet as she walked in his direction, sitting beside him on the couch. She left a bit of space between their bodies while she clamped her hands down on her thighs. Something bothered her. He did not ask about that either. If she wanted to share she would.
"Are you busy?"
Sesshomaru glanced at her, then at the TV. Some mindless show was planning, the news flashing through from time to time. It was nothing but a mere way to pass the time. "No," he uttered, his eyes locked on hers. Did she want to share the results of her session? It did not really affect him.
Kagome sunk her cheeks in and pushed all the air out of her lungs. He was not irritated, he was not angry. She could do this. She needed to know if taking this would lessen the ache, the pain in her chest. Her heart was overwhelmed by all the changes and she needed to find something to hang on to - this was probably the worst thing to do, the worst thing to latch on to but she wanted to do it. Whenever his hands were on her, when he was thrusting into her, she felt alive. Blood rushing through her, pleasure swirling around her head - it was the thrills she was missing from her life, the reasons she used to seek adventure and go head first into danger. He gave her back those missing feelings.
She wanted them back.
She closed her eyes, giving herself courage before she threw herself at him.
Her hand wrapped around his jaw, tilting his head in her direction, and then her lips came crashing against his. He stiffened at the initial contact but then leaned into her. His own hands snaked around her waist, his lips pushing and demanding for more. Hands gripping at his strong shoulders, she pushed her body onto his, ignoring the fire sparkling in her face. She might fear this was the wrong movement, an invasion of his privacy but it was the one thing he had yet to turn away from. It was the one thing she knew he needed as much as she did.
All she felt was his touch, his hands on her. Soon, she could feel the sleeves of her shirt slipping down her shoulders, revealing bare skin. His mouth was everywhere, tasting every inch of exposed skin and the familiar wetness between her legs made its return. Unconsciously, she began to thrust her hips, feeling his erection rubbing on her leg. It was the last thing she felt before he lowered her onto the couch, positioning himself between her legs, thrusting that hardness against her jean clothed core. She moaned out loud at the contact, her eyes swirling in the back of her head. His hands were on her, his lips were harassing her abused flesh and it was everything she needed. She was his sole focus of attention.
Sesshomaru had nothing to offer her; no heart to give, no feelings to share.
He only had this. It turned her selfish.
She was taking all of it, all he had to offer. One day he would realize he did not want this anymore. Until then, she would take, and take, and take.
There was guilt but she pushed it deep inside, hiding it from even her own sight.
And her heart soared.
-R-
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Red Lotus