Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 26
- 27
- 28
A/N: As some of you might or might not know. (Depending if you read my other stories). I lost my uncle and godfather last june. Honestly, I lost a bit of my writing drive. So, it's been hard. And I already was not doing great to being with - and yea. Anyways, I want to thank everyone for reading, for sticking with me. As I have always said, I will never give up a story. It might take forever, but everything will be completed.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Red Lotus

Chapter 27: The Prodder

The sun caressed the horizon, casting its forceful light into the room. Sesshomaru's left eye twitched as his unrestful sleep was disturbed. Every time there was a sound, every time there was a shift in the air, he thought it was her. The doctor did not call her bed ridden per say, but she was supposed to stay put in bed as much as possible. However, after noticing her shift in attitude during her bath, he feared she might try to do everything regardless. She feared the weakness growing inside of her and she thought it might affect the child. He sighed as he rolled onto his back before rubbing his face. He was not quite as exhausted as he was when she first moved in, but sometimes the sleepiness sneaked up on him. That and the intensity of emotion and confusion he had been feeling lately was draining him.

Cling.

He raised a perfect silver eyebrow at the sound of utensils clacking. Wait. There was only one other occupant in the house.

Before his brain could even scramble around what was happening, he hopped on his feet. Why was she up? His eyes scanned his watch only to see that it was 5:15. Why was she awake this early? He dashed to the door and opened it in one forceful swing. Immediately, he was able to see Kagome bending over near the counter. Bending? His footsteps were quick as he managed to make it by her side in less than a second. However, it turned out to be quite a mistake since his sudden appearance startled her. He watched as her whole body shook with shock and a yelped past her lips. Her sudden shock caused her to nearly tumble over but he was quick enough to catch her arm.

"Sesshomaru!"

"Why are you up?"

"You scared me."

"Why are you up?"

She frowned as she snatched her arm away from his grip. He let her. "I was hungry."

"You could have called for me."

"You were sleeping."

"I would have woken up."

"I can feed myself."

Soon, she would have to take care of a child. She had to be able to feed herself. She had already failed her future child by being too weak, by not waiting long enough. And now? Her child was prisoner of her faulty womb. She spent the whole night thinking it over and she knew there might be a bit of luck on her side. After all, her body was in the midst of healing. Her powers along with the mark she bore on her neck were helping speed up the process. If they were a fault with her placenta, there was a bit of chance that it might get fix as well. All she had to do was be careful. This was not recklessness. Sesshomaru would not be around all the time. He had work. If she had to be stuck here, then she had to do things for herself.

Two weeks. And then she would see the doctor and they would go from there.

She could not afford another mistake, she could not do a single thing wrong. Everything had to be about getting better.

Soon enough, she would be happy about this. The emptiness would be filled with joy instead she would finally be able to appreciate this gift.

He wanted to argue with her further but he knew it could escalate. Getting her riled up was not the right move at the moment. She had to remain calm and peaceful. "I will remain home today."

"Go to work," she immediately answered as she bent down once more. She finally grabbed her spoon from the floor and then, used the counter to bring herself up again. "There will be a baby soon. Babies are expensive."

She had a point but it hardly mattered. "You should not be left alone."

"The doctor said I could do my daily tasks. I will."

"Perhaps you could call your mother." His presence seemed to irritate her nowadays. She was snappy with him when he tried to help her bathe and now, she was refusing any kind of help from him. Not only that but when his fingers touched her skin, she tensed. He was not saying he became addicted to the pleasures of the flesh but he was in no way disgusted by her touch. He did not think she felt that way either. But then why flinch? They were many things he did not understand about females, humans and he knew even less about pregnant women. Her mother could provide her with some tips that he could not. And she might need someone to vent to - it was the perfect solution.

Her mother.

Right, her mother was going to be a grandmother. And yet, she was not convinced she wanted to tell her. What if something happened? What if she failed her child even more and she lost it? The doctor said she was fine… but… but he knew nothing of her situation.

"I- I'll think about it."

He nodded. His mind kept wandering to her flinching. Why was he so hurt by a little thing? It was insignificant, it should not even affect him. Why did he care? He did not. He was hoping that now that they would not be active sexually, things might slowly return to the normal. Perhaps it was all the physical contact that was messing with his mind. Not only was she now pregnant, but she was in a risky situation. Sex was out of the question. Plus, they would be spending some time apart. It was another good thing. And - and there was much to get ready for with the baby's upcoming arrival. He was fairly certain that the birth would not be in eight months.

"Very well."

He - he let her get away with that kind of answer?

"Do you require assistance with anything?"

She shook her head.

"If you do require my help, I will be in the shower."

And he was gone.

Kagome watched him leave while mindlessly playing with the spoon she was holding. He was strange; he agreed with her too quickly and it made her believe something was off. Although, he had not done anything else. He was not avoiding her, he was not avoiding physical contact. He was just - agreeable. Perhaps he felt pity towards her. That was one thing she did not need. It had not been the same since that time in the car. She had meant to explore that further but with everything that happened… it took the back seat and she forgot all about it. She forgot his soft lips on her neck and she forgot all the emotions he brought inside of her. But now, she was reminded of them. Could it be that he was still upset she felt everything?

Then again, she was never able to clearly establish if they were his feelings or a mix of hers and his.

The bond was getting confusing and the stronger she got, the weirder it was.

She let a sigh roll off her lips as she turned her head to look at her probably now cold oatmeal. Maybe Sesshomaru was right, maybe she should call her mother. Although she had not decided yet if she would share with her the news of her upcoming pregnancy. That left to be determined. But at least, she would not be alone. She did not think loneliness and quietness were the best things for her at the moment. She craved them, she wanted them. And it was exactly why she should not get them. She had those thoughts before, she recognized them; they were a warning sign. She dropped her spoon on the counter and walked in direction of the phone.

She needed someone. Anyone.

-R-

"Pregnant?"

"Pregnant."

Her mother's lips parted and then closed… and then parted again. "I did not know the two of you -"

Perhaps this was also part of the reason she did not want to share this particular piece of news. However, with her mother sitting in front of her, she had not been able to keep it to herself any longer. She was somewhat lousy at lying. "We are married."

Her mother offered her a sweet smile before reaching out for her hand. She covered it with her own and then gently patted it. "I am not judging, honey. I simply did not know you two were together, together." She saw things, observed subtle differences but she was not quite sure it had evolved that way. Or rather not that quickly.

"We are not."

"Oh." The surprise in her expression was harder to hide this time around.

"It - happened. And then…" Could she tell her mother? Could she tell her she agreed to give Sesshomaru a child? That giving him the heir he never got seemed like a fair trade since he gave her life back. A life for a life? The thought of it brought a certain level of disgust in her chest and it left a bad taste in her mouth. Maybe that was one piece of the puzzle she would keep for herself. "We weren't careful. And I didn't think - I didn't think I was healthy enough. I wasn't having my periods yet and…" She hoped babbling on would give her lie some credibility.

"Is this child wanted?"

"Yes." The answer came out even before the question was done being asked.

Miyu's smile grew. "Good." She sipped her tea. "Although, I am awfully young to be a grandmother."

"I am awfully young to be a mother." And already she was harming her child. On top of being a lousy mother, she would be a young one. At least Sesshomaru had years - centuries - of life experience behind him.

"Kagome, you will be an excellent mother." She always had it in her; she was everyone's mother. She cared for others, she always put herself second and she would give her life for what she believed to be right. Although having your own child represented different struggles and it was true that Kagome was not exactly who she used to be but… if her daughter thought she could do it, all Miyu could do was help and support her to the best of her abilities.

"I hope." Those words tasted bitter; she knew she would not be. All she could do was prevent herself from screwing up too badly. But those were not concerns she could share with her mother. At least she told someone about her pregnancy. "We should wait before telling Souta and grandpa. In case." Plus she was not quite certain how her grandfather would react to having a half demon in the family. He was harmless - but he could be a little intense.

"Yes, we should ease grandpa into this news," she said with a chuckle. He would be happy. He might throw around some chants and sutra, but in the end, he would be pleased and happy for Kagome.

Silence fell upon them and despite her daughter's best attempts at appearing fine, Miyu could tell there was something else bothering her. "How are things between you and Sesshomaru? Is he happy about this?"

It was his idea in the first place. "He is happy about it." Not that he ever talked about it really. He was mostly concerned with trying to at least keep her alive. A task that apparently was quite difficult. Then again, he needed a child, he never said anything about being joyful about it. "We are fine."

"Fine?"

"I don't think this was the plan. I don't think this is how he thought he would be holding his part of the obligation." It was true that every step, every solution came from his own mind but it did not mean he did any of it with a joyful heart.

"But you mentioned he was happy about it."

"Yeah."

"Kagome, is there something else happening?"

"I-" She did not even know where to begin this story. As a matter of fact, she did not know if there was anything to tell. Yes, she knew feelings were growing inside of her, but she did not know if they meant anything. It could be the confusion, the need - everything sort of clumping up together. Plus, it would never be a thing. They would never be a normal, loving family.

Also, if she admitted it out loud, it made it real. Did she want it to be real?

Kagome raised her glance and watched her mother. Her chocolate eyes were searching her face, waiting for an answer and hoping to pick up on any signal Kagome might let slip up. If she could not talk to her mother, who could she talk to?

She inhaled deeply, her chest rising and then, she leaped. "I - I think, I might be…"

"You have feelings for him."

Kagome's mouth opened and then closed. She barely saw her mother - and there was no way it was obvious. "Why- what?"

Her mother's lips twisted into a kind smile. She then reached out for her daughter's hand and covered it with her own. This situation was not easy, this situation would never be normal but it did not mean it changed her daughter. "If you did not feel for him, you would not be pregnant."

"No - but I was returning the favor. A life for a life."

Her mother softly shook her head. "You would not have been with him that way if you felt nothing." Her daughter was nothing if not a prey to her own emotions. She felt everything with an intensity that most people did not possess. Sometimes, her decisions were rash, kind and gentle, but rash. She did not think. Instead, she followed her heart. She would never tangled with Sesshomaru in such a fashion if her heart did not tell her it was the right thing to do. She had hoped Kagome would have come to that conclusion on her own but… Perhaps it was time to help her open her eyes.

The first time they had sex - it was a mess. There could not have been less feelings involved. Her mother - was - she was… it was. Was she right? She thought she had detached herself from her weaknesses while awaiting her imminent death. Could she have been so wrong about herself? She wanted to argue against it, but her mother's eyes were telling her it was not even an option. No. No. It - it was far more complex than her mother realized and Kagome was not sure she wanted to even try to explain it. She forced a smile on her face and offered her mother the faintest nod.

There was nothing left to discuss.

-R-

Pamphlet. Flyers. Website.

She had read it all. What else was she supposed to do? She had free time and many thoughts and problems to avoid.

Once her mother had departed, she had been left all by herself. It was not what Sesshomaru wanted. No, of course not. He wanted her to be surrounded, he wanted her to be taken care of her. Because - because she was weak, because she was at risk. Because her fucking body could not catch a break. She let the air escape her nostrils in a loud exhaled and leaned back into the couch. How much could she read, how many risks could she go over until it was time to face the truth? She was going to be stuck home, she was going to be stuck with herself and - and she needed to figure out how to get better.

There was therapy. She tried that. Did not help much. It did - but - then everything happened. The baby. The blood. The job? The sex? She did not even know where it all went wrong.

She also knew there were feelings she needed to deal with - if she allowed herself to be caught up in them, it would be dangerous. She could not be reckless, not when her child needed her. Mindlessly, her fingers wandered to her belly and she slowly rubbed it. This child was the reason she wanted - needed - to be stronger. She needed to hold on to that and make it her main focus. She used to do that - back before she knew her cancer was going to kill her. She would find small positive things and try to hold on to them. This baby was going to be her lifeline. Eventually she would feel happiness instead of emptiness and everything would be well.

Or at least, it was what she thought - until the door opened.

Her eyes immediately scanned the door and she waited for him to walk in.

His reaction was slightly different; he was surprised. Clearly he expected her mother to be present. Was that a bad thing or a good thing? Did he not want to be alone with her? Or was that her over active imagination playing tricks on her once more? She could not tell.

"Hey."

"Hello."

He quietly closed the door behind himself and then, dropped his leather suitcase to the ground. "Was your mother not present today?"

"She came. She left."

He nodded as he scanned the room, trying to figure out what she did today without actually having to ask her. There was the laptop on her lap but that could be for research, work or even school. Although, he did not like any of those options. She had to be on bed rest - she could not stress herself. It was one baby, and losing it would not be the end of the world for him. He would recover just fine and try again. But she would not survive it. This whole set up was more for her sake than his. The baby was nothing at the moment, mere weeks. It represented nothing.

"Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. Although, she knew he would make her something regardless. "I had food with my mother." A little bit. But it was not her fault. She was extremely nauseous. It was best to eat little and keep it down than throwing it all up. "Are you hungry?" she returned the question.

"I am capable of making my own food." He did not need a repeat of this morning. If he could limit the amount of tasks she completed in a day, he would.

"How was your day?" She immediately dismissed his words. She was not in the mood for another argumentation concerning her state of mind and body. It would lead them nowhere and it would help no one.

"Dealt with idiots."

"As per usual," They said in unison.

A small chuckle escaped her - they had definitively been together too long. She never pictured Sesshomaru as the type of person who would speak at the same time as his significant other. There was a first for everything.

Sesshomaru's reaction was not one of amusement. He was not that surprised that she assumed what his next words were going to be. He was a creature of habits when it came down to his life, words and habits. It was not always this way but this was what he had become. Then again, who he was before her and who he was now were unfortunately different people. Something he did not greatly enjoy. "And you?" Another topic was probably a good idea.

"Sat. Because you know, I am not allowed to move."

He sensed the sarcasm but he did not comment on it. Instead, he joined her on the couch. When he did so, Kagome closed the silver lid of the laptop and put it down on the wooden table. She did not need him to know she had been researching all the risks and symptoms of her current predicament. He would comment on it and it would lead to an unpleasant conversation.

"I am aware that you are quite displeased with your current situation."

'That is one way to put it." As he sat close to her, she found herself thinking back to the bath, to him, his warmth. Ever since they learned of the pregnancy, the distance between them grew. There was no contact, no - nothing. And she was not about to be the one asking for a kiss, or demanding his touches. It was dangerous. She was the one with feelings, the one who had everything to lose if she let herself get swept away by the feelings. It was - it was normal feelings born of the physical contacts. It did not mean she could let herself be won over by them.

But now, as he sat so close to her, she could smell him and she could feel the warmth coming from his body.

It had been a while.

Nope, bad thoughts.

As she tried to re-focus her attention on him, instead of the cravings her body was inflicting upon her, she found herself realizing something; he was much closer than before. Was it her imagination or…

And there it happened - that fine line, the one that confused him, the one that made him feel like he was losing himself. Sometimes, he could not tell where he ended and where she began. He now had this craving - one he did not have before. He wanted to touch her. He was certain that such feeling did not live inside of him until he made it home. Was it her presence that caused it in him or was it her own need becoming his? How much of himself would he lose in this mating? How much did he have to give away before it was enough?

He could not give into every feelings that passed through him. Then, he would be nothing more than a slave to this mating. He could not let himself fall so low, sink to that level. He needed control.

"Do you require anything?" He had to move away, he had to make a statement, take a stand.

At loss for words, she shook her head. She wanted things - just not things he could give to her. "I'm fine."

He nodded, but he did not back away. Their faces remained closed. And then it happened. She was not sure who did it, but someone did. There was a peck, a small touch of the lips. Right away, they both backed away as though they had been burned. He stared at her and could not help but notice how she looked like a dear who had just been hit by a car. Scared, afraid, ready to bolt. Except, she could not; she was stuck in his couch.

"I have to shower."

Those were the words that left his lips before he slowly got up from the couch.

"Okay."

And that was the only answer she could give him as she watched him walk away.

-R-

It was quiet, it was dark. Sesshomaru's hand grip the bedroom door's handle. He had to check up on her. When he had returned from his shower, she had been gone. He ate by himself and then wasted some time watching some pointless shows on the television. None of it did anything to clear his mind. He was doomed, he was going to lose himself and yet he was fighting it every step of the way. He could not become her because she could not be this. He was waiting, praying for the fighter she used to be to return. He thought it came back the first time he fucked her, but he was wrong.

"May I enter?"

"Yes."

He forced his presence into the room only to find Kagome laying in bed, reading a book. She seemed calmer and more collected than earlier. "Do you require anything before bed?"

She shook her head. She had time to think - time away from him. She said she would be strong for her child, she said she would find the happiness she was supposed to feel. And she also said she would not let herself fall further for him. She would accept the feelings were there but she would not torture herself for no damn reason. "I found it."

"Found what?"

"What I'm fighting for."

Yes, that conversation he remembered well. It was the one they had before he fucked her senseless on the counter.

"What is it?"

"My baby."

She did not say our and she did not correct herself. She had to start her selfishness somewhere. He was the father and he was probably the reason they were having this baby. If it were up to her, she probably would have never become a mother but here they were. She had no control over anything. Even her mother spoke of feelings she was not quite sure were there. Everyone knew everything about her life except her. Everyone knew how to do everything better than she did. Either she was covered in despair or she was a sad little thing, mopping off in a corner. She wanted joy, she wanted warmth.

She wanted to be a good mother, she did not want to be the reason her baby's life was in danger.

Everything was a whirlwind of bad news and everything was always out of her control.

She could not have Sesshomaru. Even if she felt for him, even if he comforted her. He was not hers to have because he was not giving himself away. He was doing the right thing, he was being reasonable. She had to spend a whole day, left alone with the questions her mother brought up in her. And now, she did not know if she could see clearer or if everything was more hazy than before. She knew one thing though; being this person would not do. She could not regret any decision, she could not take anything away. Her baby was there and it needed her. She needed to fake happy if that was what it required of her. Anything.

Because, she could be selfish, but she could not be that selfish. Her life might be ruined but she could not ruin her baby's life.

"And how will you fight?"

"I don't know." It was not much of an answer, but it was the truth. "I'll figure it out." She had to claw herself back up from so far that she did not know if it was possible. But she had to fake, or she had to at least try. If she did not… "I can't do this anymore."

He thought she meant she could no longer be this person, but it ran much deeper than even he realized.

"Can you come?"

Her eyes pointed at the bed and he nodded at her. He was not quite sure how his presence could be the answer to anything but he did not ask. He joined her in the bed, sitting on top of the blankets while she was carefully tucked under them.

Not that long ago, she tried to play the independence card. She could not tell how much of it he actually believed. It did not matter. He would never question her about it, he would never doubt her words or her intentions. Now, she was announcing to him that she actually found something worth fighting for. Her baby was always worth fighting for, she simply never found the strength to proclaim that until now. One step at a time. If she wanted him to believe her, if she wanted her opinion to matter more - and if she wanted to create somewhat of a distance between them - she needed to assert herself more.

"My mother doesn't need to be here every day."

"If something happens…"

"I will call the ambulance like everyone else in the world," she cut him off. "She's not my caretaker. And I know I have to be careful but I can take care of myself. You have to let me do it."

He disliked some of the decisions she made but as he saw the determination shine in her eyes, he knew this was not something he could get in the way of. If there was no harm for the child, then, he would let her do as she pleased without mentioning it. "Very well."

"I can make my own breakfast."

"Noted."

"I can walk around the house - minimally." She was bed ridden for the most part - also it was not forever. "In a few days, we'll know more and we will go from there."

"It is acceptable."

She was having a moment and he would let her have it. If she felt the need to express herself then so be it. He had to grudgidly admit he might have gotten in her way this morning but it was only because he knew she could not survive the loss of this child. Her old self could but this new version - he was not certain.

It was not that long ago that he was taking her, filling her to make sure she would be pregnant with his child. Now, since they heard the news it felt like they were back to being strangers. It was better for her fragile little heart. But - she no longer knew how to act around him.

"That's all."

"Very well."

"Anything you want to say?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

He wanted to know why sometimes he wanted her. He wanted to know why he got jealous on more than one occasion. He wanted to know why he was more possessive and protective of her than before. But those were all pointless questions because he already knew the answer. He had simply done a great job at avoiding that answer. How much longer would he be able to do that?

"Where do we stand?"

Her mother said they had sex the first time because feelings were involved. Maybe on one side but not both.

"I am afraid I do not understand."

"We - were - we were physically involved to have a child correct?"

It was best said that way. At least it gave a purpose, a reason, behind the loss of control. It eased the change and it made it easier for him to look at his own reflection in the mirror. But they both knew it was something that was coming, child or not.

"In a way."

"I am pregnant."

"I am aware."

Sesshomaru was smart, intelligent and usually the first one to comprehend the whole situation. Not right now. Unless he was trying to make her life hell on purpose.

"We don't need to do it anymore." Well, as a matter of fact, until the risk was clear they could not do it. Not that she was trying to have sex with him - it would not help her. She - she did not know what she wanted. She wanted to remove the stress of not knowing. She needed a bit of certainty in her life.

And then it dawned upon him. "You wish to know, about us?"

"Yes." This time, she was forced to look away from him.

"The bond keeps us together. We will touch each other again."

The bond. The bond was just as important as the promise and obligation that brought them together in the first place. But was it enough? It was what kept him going but it was no longer what kept her going. She was reckless in his presence and she let her feelings get the best of her. Hence why she was so prone to ups and downs.

"Right."

It was still there. The need to touch her. Except, this time, he knew it was no coming from her. If it were, she would not be shamefully looking away. The need he had felt to touch her? It was coming from him. He wanted the contact.

He could do it. He could forgo all the rules, the life he used to live. He could let himself be sweep away by these bonds, by these changes. The question was, did he want to relinquish all of his control? Then again, did he even have any control left or was it an illusion he kept going for his own sake? He did not know anymore. How different would his life be if he stopped fighting and controlling every point, every step? He did it because he wanted the structure and he needed to be different from the humans. He was different. He was better. She was better though. She was never simply just a human. They always agreed on that.

How much was he willing to lose base on a simple obligation?

But was it still nothing more than an obligation?

Kagome watched the doubt dance in his eyes and for a moment she held her breath.

And then, he closed the distance between then lips. A gasp slipped from her mouth to his as his lips closed on hers. For a moment, she melted against the warmth of his lips. The kiss was not long, but it was enough to ignite something in her, as though something was stirring. Before realization could dawn on her, he pulled away.

"It is late, you should rest."

And just like that, he joined her beneath the blankets.

Sesshomaru had kissed her. To prove a point.

What point? She was not quite sure. Mindlessly, she brought her fingers to her lips and tapped them.

There was something new.

Something she had never felt before.

Or rather, there was something he had never made her feel before.

Feelings?

Appreciation?

Not love, never love. But… it was new.
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Red Lotus