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Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20072 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 27
- 28
- 29
A/N: I swear I'm trying really really hard.

Red Lotus

Chapter 28: The Proem

Tangled mornings. Breakfast alone. Awkward times.

They had been through them all. The weeks piled up, flew by, and everything remained the same. And yet, every day was different. Kagome carried the same heaviness and uncertainty in her chest - but some days it was lighter and some days it was heavier. Her relationship with Sesshomaru appeared to be stagnant. There had been a few kisses here and there. None of them were passionate declaration of love, but they were pecks. Somewhere along the way, it became routine; with a hello, with a goodbye. She did not know if he did it because of their conversation or because he enjoyed a routine. Maybe it was even for the sake of their future child. Perhaps he wanted the baby to think they were a loving couple.

They would never be able to keep up that facade long enough. But if he wanted to try, who was she to stop him?

She did crave the touch, the contact. Even if it was wrong for her, even if it sent her down a spiral that was to be avoided.

Plus, she had told herself she needed to focus on the positive. Like the baby. She had stayed put as she was told and so far, no other incident had occurred - and she was grateful. The two weeks went by, they saw the doctor and he said that the situation had not worsened. He allowed her a bit more freedom but - it was not like she could return to work. At least she could walk around on her own and she did not have to live in the bed. Her mother came once in a while - although Kagome often chastised her for it. She had her own life and she had already given up enough for Kagome. She did not want her to keep putting her own life on hold. She was a big girl - also Sesshomaru was watching her like a hawk.

He had backed off but regardless.

It did not help that she got up every five seconds to go to the bathroom. Well - she thought she had to pee. Sometimes she thought she had to throw up. She thought the first four weeks were the ones that came with the nausea - but she was wrong. Entering week nine, it had not lessened. She was not always sick, but the feeling always lingered. She assumed that had something to do with her weakened body. It was dealing as best it could with the shitty conditions it was given. As long as her baby was healthy, she did not mind the nausea. It was the struggle she had to be put through. It did mean however that their visits to the doctor were constant. Especially considering her miracle recovery. The doctor did fear the cancer could come back.

Obviously it would not.

But - they could not tell him that.

There was also a stress. Three weeks from now, they would try to find out the sex. And that made her nervous. They had no quite discussed it but when Sesshomaru said heir, she assumed he meant heir in every sense of the word. As in, a boy. She did not care if her baby was a boy or a girl, but he might. Although it brought out a rage in her - because why couldn't a girl be an heir? - It was a deal. A life for a life. Of course, she had no doubt that he would keep and care for the child regardless of the gender… but… but what if he wanted another go at it? It was not as if she was planning on having a million kids. Back then maybe. Now? It was not even a real relationship. She went through with it because she owed him and there was a time when she wanted to be a mother. This child would be love. It would make up for the lack of love in their relationship.

But two, three kids?

She could not do that.

She did not have the strength to pull that off.

Worry washed over her, as it often did, and then, she buried her face into the blankets. Sesshomaru had left a long time ago. He usually was up and about once the sun light was hitting the curtains of their bedroom. Because he was free - and he could work. The best she could do was take some useless classes online. A sigh rolled off her lips and she kicked the blankets away with her feet. They bundled at the edge of the bed and she swung her legs over, putting the sole of her feet against the cold floor. She stared down at her own body, observing the little bulge that was forming on her belly. She had been so horrendously skinny that it was not hard to already see the changes of the pregnancy on her. At least she was putting some weight on.

She was about to hop on her feet when a cling echoed through the apartment. Did her mother show up? Maybe Sesshomaru had let her in? Despite all the rational explanations she tried to come up with, her heart raced in her chest. Nobody robbed a place this early in the morning right?

She began creeping through the apartment, walking as silently as her clumsy body would allow her. By the time she had passed the bedroom's door, her heart was racing enough for her to feel the bile rise in her throat. She clenched her fingers into tight fists - not that she could take down anyone - and she finally stepped into the kitchen.

Where Sesshomaru was standing.

"Huh?" was the only thing she could ask.

He stared at her with a perfect eyebrow raised, confusion obvious in his amber eyes. "You are awake."

She blinked. "You're home."

One beat. Two beat. "The bank is closed today."

Which he had told her - and she had forgotten. "Right."

"I believe they call this mommy brain."

She pinched her lips, holding back a smirk. She never thought she would hear Sesshomaru use that term. But here they were. "I think so."

"Are you hungry?"

She nodded. Nowadays, she was always hungry.

Kagome closed the distance between them, and moved over to the chair. She plopped down and rested her arms on the counter, watching him. He tilted his head to the side and after a moment, he resumed moving. He felt her fear and - although he would not admit it - he initially thought it had something to do with the baby. He thought something had happened, maybe another blood less and she was in a panic and seeking his help. He was wrong. Of course, he would not share the fear he had experienced. It was not about appearing weak but - he - she worried enough without needing to know he worried from time to time. She needed the most relax environment he could provide her with and that was what he would do.

He had intended on surprising her with a breakfast in bed, but her forgetfulness had slightly ruined the plans. Maybe this was better. He knew how much she despised being stuck in bed all the time. He had felt her frustration more than once over the past few weeks. He had been relieved once the doctor said she was allowed to be more active. He was certain that her stress was neither good for her nor the baby. He returned to the countertop where he had been slicing fruits. Despite the decent amount of time they had been married, he was still not used to food and a balanced diet. He informed himself as much as he could for her sake but - food remained overrated for him.

Sesshomaru subtly watched her from the corner of his eyes and watched as she tilted her neck to the left and then to the right. At the same time, she would wince. Pain perhaps? His suspicions were confirmed when she overly arched her back, probably with the intention of relieving some of the tension. He had noticed the bigger belly that hung in front of her. How could he not? His child was growing in there.

"Are you in pain?"

She shook her head. "I think I slept wrong."

She did not sleep that well. Although once she was out, she was usually out. She would pass out from exhaustion after a few hours of tossing and turning. She was always scared she would flip to her stomach and maybe hurt the child. She did not know what was right and what was wrong inside of her. She had been pretty hard on herself in the past and she did not want anything to affect her baby. Anytime she would feel herself shift to the side, a sense of panic would jolt her awake and then it was impossible to find serenity again. She truly needed to calm herself

A cling echoed through the apartment as Sesshomaru lowered his hand to the counter. The shiny metal knife hit the ceramic plate and he released it from his grip. This was something he might be able to fix. She watched him as he glided his body across the room, approaching her with his amber eyes shining with focus. He was useless in the process of the pregnancy. He could not make it easier for her, he could not take the burden away from her. If he could, he would. Initially the request was made by him - and wait he played nothing but a small part in this whole process. Once he reached her side, he moved behind her and she kept her head straight forward, wonder in her eyes.

"I will help."

"Help with what?" she asked with knitted eyebrows.

She soon found her answer once his hands moved to her neck. His fingers were long, slender and moved gracefully against the hard knots in her neck. He applied a fine pressure to the worst spots, working his way through her pain. It was as though she was dough and he was kneading her with skillfulness and mindfulness. She let her head tilt forward, her growing hair tickling the flesh of her visage. Her eyelids followed through, closing and barricading her eyes from the harsh light of the kitchen. A moan of relaxation died on her lips as he dug clawless fingertips into the overworked skin of her neck. Part of her wanted to lay down and have him massage her for hours. The stress, the pain; all of it was accumulating on her body.

"Would you rather a more comfortable position?" And it was as if he could read her thoughts.

A voice in her head made her shy to ask for more - but then why could she not ask for things? His hands were on her, her heart was swollen with feelings and he looked at her with eyes that told of wonders he could offer her. She pinched her lips, popping them. "What about breakfast?"

"Are you near starvation? I could make the food now and continue this later."

Breakfast did not matter to him. This was all for her. A whole human charade for her alone. Those thoughts left a weird aftermath in his head. He did not even think twice about massaging her, about taking the stress away. He was not the biggest fan of human contact but he had grown accustomed to her, to her touch and to her scent. She was soothing, not bothersome like the rest of them. He could not quite pinpoint when the change had occurred but it was… natural.

"Food later."

The nausea did not make her the hungriest person in the world.

He offered her a hand to come off the chair and she took it. Her pudgy fingers slid in his smooth palm and he delicately wrapped his fingers around her hand, treating her like she was breakable porcelain. She used her newfound grip to hop off the chair and she allowed him to guide her to the couch. The bed would probably be more comfortable but he wanted to keep a certain setting. Plus, anywhere was fine for him. He could be twisted, he could bend over awkwardly; she was the one who needed a good amount of comfort. Once the reached the couch, she laid herself on it but in a good position for her stomach. Her arms were draped over the arm rest while her thighs touched the couch. It allowed her to be laying on her stomach without really laying on it.

What she did not know was how Sesshomaru was going to place himself.

But he answered that quickly enough. He hopped on over, placing his legs outside of hers and effectively trapping her between his. She felt a heat rise to her cheeks but she knew he already could tell her embarrassment. He might not be able to see her face but she knew he could smell her. That only increased the redness in her cheeks. She should resign herself to the reality of her situation but she had quite a hard time letting go. At least Sesshomaru was gentleman enough not to mention the issue and for that, she was grateful. She tried to relax herself, she let her shoulders slump over and inhale deeply. He was doing this for her relaxation and she was ruining it.

Once he felt her settled in, Sesshomaru resumed his precious actions. His hands found their way back to her neck but this time, a tad bit lower, feeling the ridges of the vertebrae of her spine.

"It is nice out."

She frowned. "It is."

"You have been inside a lot lately. I thought you might enjoy a walk outside." There was a park with benches and water. It sounded like something she could do.

"T-that would be nice. Thank you."

His proposition left a lump in her throat. She never knew how to feel about those gestures. She knew he did mean well and his goal was not for her to be miserable or to be hurting but - but sometimes it made it feel like there was more to it. It sounded like things someone who cared would say. And then, there was that first kiss he gave her that night. And then she was back to being all confused. There was something. It could not be platonic. But it was Sesshomaru. It also meant that any feeling coming from him could not be pushed, could not be rushed and there was a chance that any feeling coming from him might not be real. What was she supposed to do?

And how was she supposed to think when his hands felt like magic?

"Would it be appropriate to do so after your breakfast?"

"It would be appropriate." Why was she talking like him? Awkward points always went to her.

"Very well."

Once the words were spoken, he lowered his hands. He let them glide across her back, between her shoulder blades, all the way to her lower back. Once he began applying pressure there, she felt her whole world relax. Sounds came out of her before she could stop them and before she knew it, she was moaning under his ministrations. She meant to be ashamed of her reaction but she could not. Instead, she enjoyed the sensation of finally being relieved from the pressure and the stress that had been accumulating in that particular location. She let the smoothness of him wrap around her, she let the soft touches bring her into another realm.

And he listened.

To every fucking sound she made.

He had thought himself immune to all this. Then he realized he had not been. Jealousy, desire and need had seeped their way through and for mere moments he had been nothing more than a human to his emotions. Then, he thought it could be controlled - but he was proven wrong once again. And now that all was said and done he thought he could take a step back. He was wrong. As his hands kneaded the soft skin available to him, he realized that blood was rushing downwards. In his current position, she could not tell but he could. He did not want her to know. He did not want her uncomfortable and he - he actually did not know what he wanted. Sex had been ruled out. She was in a fragile state. If she had to stay fairly put, he could not fuck her against a counter.

Not that he intended on doing that. He would not.

But then there were more moans and each time she let out a sweet soft sound, his hands slipped under her shirt, gliding across the fabric. A soft swipe of the finger there, a touch of the fingertips there. Innocent. In theory.

At some point, the lines blurred. Kagome could no longer tell what was a massage and what was a soft touch, one given by a lover. Her loins stirred and she could felt the moistness and wetness settling between her legs. He could smell it, there was no doubt. And now she was the victim of a completely different kind of embarrassment. And this one, she could not let it drag on. She forced her eyes opened and then she cleared her throat. That did cause him to stop moving but he did not remove his hands from her skin. It would not help. She tried to twist around but all that did was worsen the situation; her rear ended up pushing against something very hard.

Oh.

So they were two.

She immediately turned her head away from him, her eyes widen open. That was an unexpected development. What was she supposed to say or do now?

"Your hormones are - it is normal for you to - "

And even Sesshomaru could not speak. If she had not been this mortified, she might have laughed. Situations that rendered him speechless were very hard - and this was almost amusing. If it were not for the puddle of wetness forming between her legs. It was true that while they were trying to get her pregnant, they were quite active. Then, it stopped very suddenly. She could not quite remember the last time he touched her like this. And part of her wanted it, needed it - even if it was impossible. She twitched under him and then, she felt him move. He moved away from her, he untangled their bodies, he separated their legs. She knew very well what that meant; the moment was over. Sesshomaru was good at walking away.

Except he did not quite walk away. Once he was on the ground, he offered her a hand to help her up. And while he did that, his erection was in full view. He did not shift, he did not try to hide it.

"I apologize."

It bothered her. It almost hurt - so she did not take his hand. "You're sorry that you feel that for - " nope, not for her. Wrong word. "- My body?" The pain in her voice was obvious.

"No, I - " Why did he keep saying thing the wrong way. And why was she so offended by his statement? He had taken her body more than once. She should know by now that it was no longer a problem. And when it was a problem it had nothing to do with her per say. "I apologize for making you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable." Horny, yes. Having mixed feelings for someone who would never love her? Check. But uncomfortable? She was used to it by now.

"Very well."

She looked into his eyes, then back at his hand. She could take it, get up and eat. Then they would go on with their day as this never was. It was the best option especially since nothing could be done about the current problem.

"We have had this discussion before," he spoke while he lifted her to her feet.

She nodded.

"It will happen again."

Yes because it kept them close, because it kept the bond going. She wanted it because she wanted it.

"I know." There was a harshness in her voice, a resentment.

"Does that make you upset?" Now he was confused. Weeks ago she had been worried about it and now… she no longer desired it?

"Do you have to treat everything like an obligation or a task or a thing to do?"

Both their eyes slightly widened - him because he did not expect the outburst and her because she never thought such a rage would be directed towards him.

"I do not."

"It's fine, nevermind."

"No, speak."

There it was. The voice of the past - the one that gave order and did not take no for an answer. She had not heard it in a very long time. That Sesshomaru still existed somewhere in there.

"Feelings. Nothing feels like feeling with you." Cat was out of the bag now.

He could not quite argue. Feelings were not his favorite part - actually they were his biggest sacrifice in this deal.

"And that is wrong?" Although he could understand where she was coming from - he was not quite sure her way was any better. Did her love for his half-brother over get him anywhere? Did her outburst help her obtain anything? It was easier to form plans and obtain desires when one was level headed. Recklessness never helped anyone.

"N-no," she stuttered out. Guilt swirled in her chest and she could not keep up her gaze, forcing her to lower her eyes down. "I just - we're different." That was the understatement of the year.

"What is the human saying? Opposites attract." Although in their case it was never question of attraction, faith or coincidences but regardless. There had to be some truth to the saying or it would not exist. She could be a loving mother to the child and he would teach it the hardness of the world. He did not think the loving part was required - he did fine without it - but some did believe in it. He believed he held most answers but centuries taught him that sometimes he was wrong.

"Maybe."

She did not want to have this conversation because there was nothing to be said. Where could she go with this without admitting to her feelings?

"I'm hungry."

She did not want to talk.

-R-

She had forgotten the warmth of the sun and the embarrassment of sweating. Sesshomaru could walk around, his long hair sweeping around like he was in a movie, his skin remaining dry and his shirt showing no trace of the workout he was putting in. She on the other hand was ashamed for him. Ashamed that he had to be seen with her. The little hair she had glued to her face and to her scalp, flattening down under the weight of her sweat. Some droplets would come free and slid down the side of her face, but those she wiped away. Then there was her shirt, her beautiful green shirt; it was soaked. Rings of sweats formed around her armpits, showing to the world that she was no longer fit for exercise.

Sesshomaru proposed that they stopped a few times, but she refused him every single time.

Although - water. That sounded nice.

Kagome squinted, trying to spot a bench and a water fountain.

"To the left."

And once again, he was acting as though he could read her mind.

This time she nodded and a certain relief washed through him. He feared she might collapse in the middle of the park. It had been his suggesting to come here but now he was regretting it. Heat did not affect him the way it affected her. Perhaps he was not the best judge when it came to weather. Cold or warm - it did very little to his body. She was not as sturdy as he was.

Once they reached the fountain she immediately tilted forward, letting the cold liquid slid down her throat. While she drank to her thirst, he looked around. They had been walking side by side - not touching. He had offered her his arm after a few minutes of walking but as expected she had turned him down. Other couples were also walking around but they were cuddled on benches or holding hands. Things Kagome and him did not do. Did she wish for those things? Did he want those things? Sometimes she represented a weakness in him, one he tried to avoid. He could not be confused, he could not let himself fall prey to everything that was humanity. After all, he was not human. He had to retain parts of himself. Change might be unavoidable, but - losing himself was not a possible ending.

They were having a child. They were married but they were not a couple.

It did lead to some confusion.

"Okay, now I need to sit or I will throw up my breakfast."

He seemed unchanged by her declaration and only gestured to the nearby bench. She collapsed upon it, tilting her head backwards as the rays of the sun hit her face. She did not need more heat but there was not much shade anywhere. She closed her eyes and felt Sesshomaru shift beside her but she did not ask any question. She knew he had wanted her to stop a long time ago but - it felt nice. There were people, there was sun - she felt alive. And now that her hair was longer and that she slightly pudging out from the pregnancy she did not 100% look like a cancer girl anymore.

There were less glances and it made living easier. Although, the glances of judgement and inadequacy did not stop. No matter how healthy and pregnant she might look, it would not change the fact that half the women thought she was not pretty enough for Sesshomaru. At least they would no longer think she was a pity case.

"You are upset."

Alright, that was getting annoying.

"No."

"Have I made you upset?" She cut their conversation short earlier and he let her. She did not quite seem comfortable with everything they were discussing. Since then he had not been able to figure out what the problem was.

"No. I just - People don't stare at me as much. I'm happy."

"Is that why you're angry?"

"I'm angry because women are jealous creatures."

"Ah."

He had felt the stares but by now he was usually blocking them out. It was not new to him that women found him desirable. He did not. Most of them were disgusting filth and he refused to waste any time on them. She was different. She had something to say and her company was pleasing.

"It's fine, I just - I'm never going to look like I used to."

"You were quite young back then. You are a woman now."

"Fine, I'm not going to look like I was supposed to…" It did not matter how much she healed or what occurred from now on. She would never be the girl she was supposed to be. Then again, she was never going to be the girl she was supposed to be from the moment she fell into the well. Did the cancer really change things that much?Perhaps not. Maybe it was time to let go.

As she thought, she felt fingers glide across hers. She was forced to look down and saw Sesshomaru intertwining their fingers together. "Looks fade. I have been around long enough to know that."

She scoffed. "You're saying that?" She did not want to say he was shallow but he had that side to him. He used to be so prideful. He used to project an entire different image. He dislike hanyous, he only gave importance to pure bloods and he - he disliked anything he considered weak. Alright, some things had not changed but still.

"People change."

"Do they really?"

"Some simply require more time than others. And some never have the luxury of time." He had it. Time and time again. He saw everything he knew tore down, he saw everything he thought mattered be crushed to nothing.

"Was it hard?"

"What?"

"Watching it all go?"

"Some days."

The hardest part was when he had to hide. When he had to learn to be like them. When he had to learn to be like people he always dismissed and put down.

"How did you do it?" His world came crashing down and he came out the other side… a banker.

He gave her a sigh as an answer. The grip of his fingers tightened on hers but he looked at the blue sky and never at her. "I wanted to live and I did. The ugly ones, the stupid ones, they faded away." Some days he wondered if he lived because he let go of his pride or if he was too prideful to let himself die. He would never know the answer.

She wrapped her fingers around his, enjoying the intimacy. Did he realize he did those things? The sentiments behind the pecks, the small touches. He did not seem aware of them - which mean he could not possibly be doing them on purpose.

"One day the world will fade away too." It could not be ever changing.

"Perhaps. And perhaps we shall not be there to see it." He was not immortal; there would be an ending to how many changes he would witness.

"I won't."

"You might. Your life will be longer."

"Not long enough."

"It depends on you."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"It depends how much you want to live." She had expressed her desire to live, she had expressed her desire to be strong for her child but would that stick? She would need another reason to live eventually. He did believe she would find it eventually but he was not quite sure she believed as much as him.

"I told you, I did."

"For the child."

She turned her head to the side as the desire to free her hand from his grew inside of her. She did not need to be judged or anything. She did enough by herself. And she did not want that kind of things from him.

But he pushed her and sometimes she needed to be pushed, she needed to be moved forward.

"Are you living?"

There was a sass, a challenge behind her words and his eyes narrowed. "I do live."

"Do you? Because I'm sure you have all this knowledge, all this time but you're just living on standby. You're watching it all happen. You're letting it happen. You're not leading this, you're just a part of it." He used to move things, he used to tricks people and fight. He used to be the one in charge of the moments. Now everything was happening to him and he did very little to stop it.

His eyes narrowed more, his amber eyes losing their light coloring as a hue of redness formed over. She was challenging him, she was challenging his status. None of the words she spoke were lies but it did not mean he wanted to hear him.

"It makes us two cowards," she finally said.

She could feel the gripping of his fingers, she could feel how tightly he was squeezing her hand but it did not make her shut up. She was mad at him. Mad at him for all the things he was not and mad at him for all the things he could not be. It was not his fault. He did not have to love her, he never had to - she was his obligation. But he gave her more, he showed her more and now she wanted more.

"I am not a coward," his voice was strung, his tone was low and if she knew any better she would know to be scared.

"Are you not?" She was pushing it, she was pushing it too far. She knew it and she could not stop. "You can't do it all. You get to be you. You get to play it safe, you get to do what you want. You want a baby, here's a baby. You want to have sex, here's sex. You want to act like you have feelings and fool me - and make me feel things I don't want to feel and -"

"Things you do not wish to feel?"

Her cheeks took a red hue and then she knew too much had been said.

"Forget it."

"I -"

"I said forget it." This time she snatched her hand away from him. She ignored the warnings coming from his eyes, the warning coming from his aura. She let it all wash over her. Despite the sweat running down the side of her face, she knew she had to walk away - while he was stunned by her outburst.

She gave one last glance in his direction and then scampered off.

He would catch up eventually.

And then… and then she did not know.

-R-
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Red Lotus