Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 28
- 29
- 30
A/N: Nope, not a dream! Thank you for all the kind words. I do swear, I am attempting to get better at updating. It's a new thing I'm trying. We'll see how long I can keep it up. Fingers crossed.
Red Lotus
Chapter 29: The Probie
She popped her lips before shoving a leaf of salad in her mouth. It was crunchy, making loud noises as she crushed it with her teeth. She was not the biggest fan of salad, but it was the only thing her difficult stomach would let her eat at the moment. It also did not help that Sesshomaru was staring at her. The return home had been quiet to say the least. He had tried to get some words out of her but his technics lacked some…imagination. He thought that if he stared at her long enough, she would speak. She had already said more than she had intended and she was not in the mood to start a fight. What she had to say held no importance; Sesshomaru would not be any different than he was now. What was the point?
Kagome reached out for another leaf, he shoved it back in her mouth. Should she be saying something? No.
He should be saying something.
Or maybe she should apologized. She had lashed out at him.
"Look."
"What things?"
"What?"
"You spoke of things."
Really, that part he had to remember? He could not remember their conversations, he could not notice details about her but this he remembered? For the love of god.
He had not meant to bring it back up. She had appeared to be quite upset when he tried to obtain more information earlier. He figured her reaction would be the same and yet he had to try. She was stressed; her own emotions were vibrating through him like a ringing bell. Not only did it leave him quite irritated, his fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt, but he also doubted all of this was good for the moment. She was ordered to surround herself with quietness and peace and this was just about the opposite. He realized there were a few topics humans did not discuss but the lines were somewhat blurry to him.
Also, he did not like the things her words implied. He made her feel things?
The last thing he had tried to do was involve feelings in this. He was made aware that it was quite an arduous task but he did not see it as impossible. He accepted most of the changes as they came but - but.
"I didn't mean anything by it."
Did he truly want to have this conversation? She could not believe that Sesshomaru out of all people would want to discuss feelings. It was insane. His stubbornness made it so he could not actually let go of things and at the moment it was proving to be quite annoying.
"You raised your voice." He used cues and signals to let him grasp the notion of emotions better. His living with Kagome had helped improve the situation since he had to decode her emotions more than once since she moved in.
"Sesshomaru, let it go please."
Please. She had resorted to begging. She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes and she refused to let them fall; not in front of him. She constantly appeared weak and she could not carry that weight with her again. It was enough. Everything was pulling at her from the inside and it was threatening to rip her to pieces. How was she to keep her sanity when he was demanding of her more than she could give? He confused her with signals he did not even know he was giving, and then he dared to ask about her feelings? She could not tell him everything she felt inside of her. She could not tell him that she let herself feel more than she should have. If he had been anyone else, he would have expected feelings to form. After all, how come someone remain indifferent?
But he was Sesshomaru.
"Something is bothering you."
"Yes, you are." And that did not quite come out like she anticipated. Was it too late to blame it on the hormones? Why was she so snappy at him? At the park… and now. "You're forcing me to say things I don't want to say."
"Very well."
He would be lying if he said he was not displeased with the tone she used with him. He had been nothing more than civil and she was raising her voice. It was obvious that whatever the matter was, it was truly bothering her. However, she seemed to have no desire to share her troubles with him. Perhaps he had seen wrong, perhaps it did not concern him.
"If you require any assistance, I will be in the bedroom." Once the words left his mouth, he got up and abandoned her by herself in the kitchen. The only thing she could do was watch him walk away.
Did he leave because there was no point in having a discussion or had she upset him? She did not think he was the type to get easily offended by her words but the bond had changed a lot of things about them and between them. What if her own rage was passing through to him? She had gotten stronger which meant her emotions might affect him even more than before. And now the guilt swirling inside of her had reached new heights. She was mad at him because he refused to clearly give her something he could not give. She had the right to be mad… but could she be mad at him? Plus, it was not like she had told him of her feelings. Could he be held accountable for that? Maybe she was required to give him some sort of answer - at least so he would stop poking around.
She was screwed.
"Sesshomaru," she barely whispered.
It took a few moments, but eventually she heard his footsteps. He quietly walked back to her but he never sat down again. Instead, he lingered near the table, standing straight which almost gave him an air of dominance.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you." It was the best answer she could give him. It was not even an answer and it absolutely did not fix any of the problems between them but - it was the beginning of something right? Or was it when she screamed at him in the middle of a crowded park that she had actually begun a process? She was not convinced of anything she did anymore. All of it was a blur and all of it was a mistake.
Giving up, she put her hand down on the table and used her new found hold to push herself up from the chair. Her legs were a bit wobbly from the walk in the park; she was not longer used to exercising. Being bed ridden came with a cost. Then again, everything in her life came with a cost. Why should this pregnancy be any different? Once she was on her feet, she headed in his direction. Was there a way to say all the words she wanted to say without actually speaking them? He could not run away, he had made a commitment…but if she said the wrong thing, there was a chance that she would make the situation awkward forever. Was that truly a risk she was willing to take? Or did she prefer pain and uncertainty?
She was not persuaded that there was a good option in this case.
Kagome grabbed his left biceps, her fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt along with the skin of his arm. Was she trying to give herself courage? She took a deep breath before leaning into him, her small chest pressing into his own. He had kissed her before. When she had asked about the future of their sex life. Kisses were something he understood - or something he at least attached a feeling to — could it be a way to begin this? She hoped so. Without thinking twice about it, she allowed her lips to crash upon his. She expected him to freeze, to remain unresponsive or to push her away. But he did none of those things. Instead, he kissed her back and a wave of confusion flooded her mind.
His lips softly moved against hers, and it sent a shiver down her spine. It did also fuel the hate she harboured in her heart. How could he kiss her like that but feel nothing? How could he confused her like this but have no problem kissing her back?
What in the world did she expect from him?
Frustration rose in her throat, making it tremble with a new found anger. She sighed as she pulled her lips away from his before burying her face away in shame. What was she doing?
Sesshomaru stood there with his arms by his side, not touching her. She had called, he had come. She had kissed him and he had kissed her back. If everything that she wanted happen… why was she upset? And why could he feel her own upsetness growing inside of him? Why was it affecting him so much? He raised an arm and place his hand in the small of her back in an attempt to comfort her. However, it seemed to do very little.
"I'm sorry."
She was apologizing… a lot.
"It is the hormones. It is normal for you to feel theses bursts of emotions."
She felt her left eye twitch. It was the hormones? He was basing all of this on the fact that she was pregnant? Was he kidding her? She was trying to make a step in the right direction, do something to figure out this whole mess that was their relationship… and he blamed it on her pregnancy? Why did she ever think he could actually feel something?
"Are you a robot?"
"No?" His answer sounded more like a question.
"Can you feel anything if it's not coming from me?"
"I-"
"I mean, really? The hormones?" Oh, oh. He might not be completely wrong though. She had no control over herself. Ever since her first outburst everything wanted to spill out. Had she kept it locked away for too long? "Do you think maybe I'm upset about something else?"
"I-"
"I mean, you don't know what it's like to live with you. You feel nothing. You pretend you feel something. You make me feel like maybe I mean something and then you take it away with one sentence!" She backed away from him by pushing his chest away with her palms. "Can you feel anything? Will you ever feel anything? Because I'm not going to be an obligation forever."
She had decided to fight for her child, and then he had doubted her will to fight. Well, she was going to fight. She could not keep going on being miserable. They might have tied their lives together forever but it did not mean that they had to suffer for the rest of their lives like this. Although, he was already suffering. Maybe she was the only miserable one. She felt one tear slid down her cheek and she knew she had gone off track. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down the storm that was brewing inside of her. Why was it not working?
"You are not an obligation."
He had mated her. He had married her. And now he had impregnated her. It went beyond the reaches of an obligation. She was tied to his life in every sense of the term. He had not been familiar with feelings until she came along and forced them within his head. It was often hard to separate what she felt and what he felt. Although the few jealousy outbursts… he could attribute them to himself. There were some times when he lost his temper. That also had something to do with him and not her. However, all those things came along because of her presence in his life. If she had never entered his life, he would not be inflicted by the damages of emotions and his life would be upside down as it was now.
On the plus side, he was getting the heir he never thought he would get.
"I am," she stressed out. "All of this is only happening because you had to fulfill an obligation you had towards Inuyasha. If he never asked anything of you, you wouldn't have found me. You would not have cared that I was about to die." And that was okay. Because until he came along he wrecked her life around, she did not care what had happened to him. And she was convinced that if she had learned that he was dead, she would not have cared. They were not friends - they were barely allies. She was tired of the wait, tired of the lies. There was this fake illusion that had created itself around them, and she needed to shatter it. If she held on to him, it would be bad for her. If she held on to him, she could not have the strength she needed to have for her baby. It was best this way. Even if it hurt.
"Perhaps, but it was prior to everything."
"Before what?"
"Before you were involved in every aspect of my life." He was never going to get rid of her and she showed up everywhere. In his thoughts, in his bed, at his work. And he let her talk to him like he had never let anyone speak to me. She had called him a coward, and there she stood. Perhaps he had let too much slide. Or perhaps it was simply the way things were now. He could not tell anymore.
"It happened because it had to happen. Not because you wanted it."
She kept talking about what he did and what he did not do. What he wanted and what he did not want.
What was she getting at?
"Forget it."
She was having a conversation with a wall. How could she expect him to understand the turmoil that brewed inside of her when he was new to emotions? This did not upset him. And it was the reason why she had to learn to let go. It was not worth it. It did not matter. He did things if they appeared logical to him. There were no emotions behind, no acts of randomness. It was simply pure logic.
It was how he functioned. She knew that.
"No." He was taking a stand. He took a step in her direction, towering over her. "You accuse me of things, you resulted to name callings earlier… you cannot provoke an argument more than once and walk away." He should let her walk away. It should not matter what she wanted but it did. Her emotions were tingling at his and her irritation was transferring to him. He did not want an outburst every second of every day. He also learned that she workout through her issues better if she was being pushed and provoked. Every time he got a rise out of her, she seemed to make a step forward.
He did want her to be better. If not only for her sake but also for the sake of the child she was carrying inside of her. If she let weakness over take her, how as she to win the difficult battle that laid ahead of her?
"Maybe because I give up." It was the best thing really; she had to give up on him and on the hopes of them ever harboring a real relationship. "Maybe because I know there's no point."
"No point to what?"
"To you." She wanted to shut up, she really did. Ever since she let the first words slip at the park, she could hardly control herself. If he could just leave her alone, she might be able to get a better grasp on her feelings. But he kept on pushing and he kept on forcing his presence. What did he want her to tell him? Did he want her to admit her feelings so that she could look to be a bigger idiot than she already was?
He let her think that there was something forming. He dropped hints he had not known he was dropping and then he took it all away. She was human, not a puppet. Her feelings could not be turned on and off like a switch. She needed time. And she never had any time.
All he could do in reply to her answer was arched his perfect silver eyebrows in confusion. There was no point to him? She could not make less sense if she tried. "I believe I do not understand."
"You never do," she whispered.
He reached out for her arm, trying to calm her. Her heart rate had begun racing and he was quite convinced that it could not be good for her or the baby. She needed to calm herself if she did not want to end up bed ridden again.
Except she was not seeking his touch, instead, she snatched her arm away. "See you can't do that."
"Do what?" She made less and less sense each time she opened up her mouth.
"You can't touch me, you can't comfort me when you don't mean it."
He frowned. "I do mean it."
"No, you don't."
Why was he arguing about this, why was he pretending that he had feelings when everything was a step, a process for him? She could not rationalize their situation like he was doing.
"I do not deceive. If I did not wish to comfort you, I would not." Yes, he mated her out of obligation but everything he did afterwards was because he chose to do so, not because someone or something was forcing him to do it. He might have relinquished a lot of who he was over the years but he was not a slave to anything or anyone.
"You don't have emotions." Tears were forming in her eyes again and she knew she wanted this conversation to end. She hated the fact that she brought it up in the first place. She should have known that she could not handle having this type of conversation with him. They were too different and their thoughts processes diverged. He could not understand her and she could not understand him. It was how it was. Nothing else to it.
"I have emotions."
He might not have her version of emotions, he might not feel like a human but he was not an empty shell. Even back when she first met him, he felt. He simply felt like a youkai, not like a human. His half-brother had given her a bad sense of how youkais were. Inuyasha was harsh and reckless most of the time and he was prey to all of his emotions. Not all youkais were like that. Inuyasha simply had something to prove.
"Then why kiss me, but not care. Why do you - why do you do everything that you do?" He had given her a sense of a new emotion, and then he took it all away in a blink. Did he even realize the wreckage that he was leaving behind? "Why act as though this could be more when you could never love me…" Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She swallowed hard and for a brief moment their eyes met. But she did not allow for everything else to happen. Instead, she tore herself away from him as quickly as she could and ran in direction of the bedroom. In all honestly, she should have gunned for the door but her brain was not quite functioning right at the moment. The only thing she was thinking of was to put as much distance between them as possible. Perhaps the meaning of her words would be lost on him. It was what she was praying for - oh god. She was such a fucking screw up. Her guts twisted, her breathing became harsh and she wanted to melt into a puddle so that she could disappear forever. All of it was a mistake. A terrible mistake.
Kagome ran without looking in front of her. She was out of control; words were slipping out of her, emotions were running her life and she could not stop it. She had to keep her mouth shot and yet the fire rising inside of her would not die down. There was too much and it was slipping and the more she said, the more she wanted to say. From the beginning, she had thanked him - because he saved her life. She told herself she had to feel grateful - despite the fact that she had wanted to die. And now? Now, she was better and their relationship was much more complicated than it used to be. There were demands and there were feelings - and she could not possibly just be grateful - she had to feel something else than that.
She nearly ran into the doorway but avoided it at the last second. Once she was inside the bedroom, she grabbed the doorknob and slammed the door shut as loudly as she could. Surely that was a stay away warning side that even Sesshomaru could understand. She did not need to feel more shame than she already did.
She wanted to die.
And the tears kept on spilling.
Stupid, stupid girl.
-R-
There was no way he was here.
There was no way he was doing this.
And yet he was.
Sesshomaru took a deep breath as he felt like he was about to let go of all the pride he had left. He had tried to come up with an answer but it was not a feat he could accomplish on his own. Provoking Kagome had truly backfired for the first time which meant he was required to find a different approach. The only problem was that he did not know another approach. That led him to think he needed to find someone who could provide assistance. Except he had no friends, or family. He was quite the loner. When he thought about family, all he had was Kagome. But then he got to thinking that Kagome had her family. It was not as though he wished to discuss with her little brother or her grandfather but…
Her mother on the other hand…
She had proved to be quite helpful in the past. He knew Kagome had relied on her often in the past and she valued her advice. That would also mean that one person who did really understand Kagome was her. At first, he did not want to go to her. He did respect her but he did not know her. Also, that would mean showing another side of himself to someone else. It was already a difficult task when it came to Kagome and he was not sure it was something he could replicate with someone else. However, considering how Kagome had warned him to stay away - with a slam of the door he did not appreciate, he was left with very little options. He refused for his life to be like this - although he had anticipated outbursts of emotions now that she was pregnant.
The more he pushed her, the more she went away.
His mother had to be the key.
And now there he stood, in front of the door, unable to knock.
It was a show of weakness was it not?
If he came and asked for her help - something he despised doing - he was saying he could not do it.
But then again, he really could not.
The things he had to do since she entered his life…
He resigned himself and finally knocked on the door, as faintly as he could.
But his knock was still heard and after a few second, the door opened. And it revealed a very confused woman.
Miyu blinked once, almost trying to see if the vision in front of her was actually real. Once he remained there, she offered him a smile and recovered. "Sesshomaru, hi." She looked beside him, hoping to find Kagome but she saw nothing. "Where is Kagome?"
"She's not with me."
"Oh." She smiled brighter. "Would you like to come in?"
He nodded. "Thank you."
She moved out of the way and allowed him to go in. He nodded in appreciation and slowly wiped his feet on the brown welcome mat. Once Miyu closed the door, he followed her into the kitchen. Immediately he took a seat in the kitchen, and he waited for her.
"Would you like some tea?"
"That would be very kind of you, thank you."
She offered him another kind smile and picked up a kettle. She ran it under the water, filling it up. "How is work?" she politely asked. Sesshomaru did not appear to be the sharing type. She was already surprised that he had come here on his own. It had to be about something quite important. Of course, she did not expect him to simply sit and share with her. She found that it was her task to make him feel at ease.
"Boring," he honestly answered.
She chuckled quietly as she put the kettle on the stove before joining him in the table. She sat across from him and offered him her best smile as she waited. She had initiated the conversation, hoping he would say a little more.
He was not.
"How is Kagome?"
She knew her daughter was safe and fine or Sesshomaru would not have left her alone. These two might be a little confused but she knew there was a lot of caring. This was like when her daughter was trying to tell her that their relationship was nothing more than obligation when Miyu could clearly see there were underlying feelings. It was the same with Sesshomaru. She might not know him as well as she knew her daughter, but it did not change the fact that she could see right through him. He was not as hard to read as he believed he was. Also, he was different since being with Kagome. She remembered when she first met him; he was colder and different. They had sat right here when he had wanted to marry Kagome.
This conversation was quite different.
And he was a different man.
"She is well." And that was a lie. "I am here about her."
Miyu knew but she said nothing.
And that was his cue to continue. "I fear I might not be able to understand her." It was difficult for him to admit failure. His attitude was different than before and he did have some failures in his life but he did not see them as such. This was quite a new situation. "She is pregnant."
"I am aware. Congratulations."
"Thank you." It was not like he had anyone he could share this news with - he did not have any family and he did not have anyone that he could consider a friend. And she also knew that she was the only person who would be sincere about it. Although, it did play a part that her daughter was the mother and that the baby would be her grandchild. He was glad his child would have a grandmother like her in its life.
"Have I done something to upset Kagome?"
Miyu laughed quietly before relaxing her shoulders. It was a dreaded question. She was certain he had done nothing on purpose but - Kagome and him were not exactly alike. They dealt with things in different manners. "Before the cancer, Kagome was - she lived her emotions fully." She could go to the end of the world, and she would not let anyone stop her. Whenever she believed in something she followed it through the end and she told everyone what she thought. She loved that passion about her and she never tried to lessen it or control it. The cancer took that away from her. She never thought she was would see it again.
Sesshomaru brought it back in her. He might not see it but the fact that she was being snappy with him meant that she was getting back to her true self. She was making progress and she was healing. She had been healing physically, but mentally, there had not been any progress mentality. Kagome was stuck in a rut, never moving and living in the past. It was good that she was getting back to what she used to be. The cancer should not have dictated who she was as a person.
"If she's upset, it's good."
He arched an eyebrow. "It is?"
She grinned. "I don't know if you remember but, my daughter always had a temper."
He did recall her screeching a lot when they were in his father's tomb. She had been far from being the quiet one. Perhaps she did indeed have a temper. She also always defended his half brother with quite a passion.
"She hasn't had a temper in a long time."
He did remember the last time her temper flared up. It was the first time they were sexual with each other - the first time they had sex. It was true that such outburst were few and far apart. He assumed it had everything to do with the hormones. He never once considered that perhaps she was getting some of her old traits back.
"Although, you might have done something to her," she said, her lips stretched into a smile. "Or maybe she needs time." She knew her feelings for Sesshomaru were growing. And she would never ever share that with him because she was too scared of rejection. It was true that Sesshomaru did not seem like the type to love but - he did many things for her daughter. He had more to offer than either of them realized.
"Time?"
"Have you talked to her?"
"I attempted to do so, however I am afraid, it did not end well."
Because he was not asking the right questions but she was not about to tell him that. If Kagome wanted to talk about her feelings, it had to be on her terms. Miyu could not do it for her. "A real conversation."
"We have conversations."
"Have you told her how you feel?"
"How I feel?"
"You are worried. It's why you came here."
Was he? He thought he came here because he could not handle this being the way things were. Did it really have something to do with him being worried about her? Why would he be worried about her? She was upset, there was nothing dangerous about that. Although, she had seen a psychologist because she felt down and depressed. Could being upset bring all that back? And she was pregnant… no. No. He was not here because he was worried. He was here because he was trying to understand her, and he was trying to understand what was happening. He could not. Her mother was supposed to provide him with the answers. Apparently, he had been wrong.
"I am not worried. I wished to understand."
"Why did you want to understand?"
"Because we live together."
"You could just not talk to her."
"We are mated, we are expecting a child."
"So then you want to talk to her?"
"We have to talk."
"Why do you want to talk to her?"
"I-"
Why did he want to talk to her? He did use to enjoy the quietness. He used to live by myself. If Kagome wished to never talk to him again, it could be possible for them to live together without talking. Except - that idea sounded rather strange.
Why did it sound strange?
"You want to understand because you want to be able to talk to her again."
He blinked.
"You enjoy talking to her."
"She is pleasant company."
"You're talking to me. And I do not think it's because you think that." She did not think Sesshomaru hated her. But - she was probably not on his list of people to call.
"I-"
"You came to me because of her," she slyly pointed out.
And he could not deny it. It was the reason behind his visit. He came for Kagome.
…He did this for her.
Or for himself maybe? No, that was what he told himself. Was that actually the case?
"You needed her to feel better. And you needed her to not be upset at you. You need her to be happy with you." As she finished spoking, the kettle began to loudly echo into the room. "The water is ready," she said as she got up from her chair. She could not give him a chance to speak or argue.
With a smile on her face, she walked away from him, leaving him to ponder.
What was she trying to say? That he got out of his own comfort zone to understand Kagome?
Why would he do that?
Why did it matter if he understood her or not?
-R-
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Red Lotus