Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Love Yourself	By : Akumi Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 2435 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
~~~~~Certain amount of years~~~~~ - Flash Back

~~~~~Name~~~~~ - Change in point of view

�Blah� � Talking

�Blah� � Thinking

A/N Well, it has been a journey to get this far for me.
Don�t ask why, it just had been. Lol. I have many people to thank, but I will wait until the
next chapter for that. Thanks for staying with me! Also, I�m sorry this update
has taken so long. I have been having trouble with the plot, but at least it�s
here and it�s extra long! Heehee. There is a lot more to come! �Thanks to Mikaela, Hairann, and MomoDesu for betaing for me!!!!! Love you ladies! Thank ya! -Akumi

Love Yourself

~~~~~Two Months Later~~~~~

�� Honestly,
he did not know how it had come to be this horrible. Here he was, sitting in an
overly furnished dining hall, with his father, half brother, and his half
brother�s fianc�. The walls were a gaudy gold, the floors a velvet red, and
there was a large crystal chandelier hanging above them, mocking him with its
rainbows. Making him see the happiness and peacefulness he could never grasp,
it was out of his reach.
�� It seemed
everything was out of his reach. The dark wood table stretched the length of
the room, sitting him at the opposite head as his father. This was one thing he
was perfectly content without being able to reach. The further he was away from
that man the better. Inu No Taishou�s latest whore sat at his right side,
slurping on her wine, used eyes clawing over him repeatedly, trying to stake
her claim when his father tossed her aside.
�� Disgusted
with the harlot, he could hardly hold in the growl of distaste. What his father
saw in these women, he would never understand, and frankly, he didn�t care to.
Hair twisted into an elegant bun, the tendrils cried for mercy to escape her. A
dress she obviously found alluring, only taunted him to lose his appetite. Hungry
claws gripped the underside of the table, indignity making it nearly impossible
not to clear the table and rip the pitiful whore to pieces.
�� Nonchalant
eyes took in the site of his half breed brother, Inuyasha, and his newest
accomplishment; if you could call that woman he was undressing with his eyes an accomplishment. She was pretty enough, but you could see
the layers of makeup drying on her peeling cheeks and her eyes held the key
sign of a gold digger. They were hungry, not with lust or love, but with greed.
For a fleeting moment, he considered feeling pity for him, but that symptom of
insanity passed easily enough. Inuyasha would have to learn on his own.
�� His half
brother had a blaring florescent glow to his eyes, confirming his suspicions.
He was blinded by love; he wasn�t able to see the woman for what she was. Eyes
holding a distinct scowl in them, Sesshoumaru turned away from the sickening
site. Of course he wasn�t jealous. At least he wasn�t scammed by a gold digging
heartless slut. At least he had real love. The word �had� still beat him into submission after all this time.
�� Yes, he
still missed her. No, the word miss didn�t quite justify what he felt; he craved her. He thirsted for her, was
willing to beg for her touch, words, and even her screams. If only he could
catch sight of her one more time, he would be able to suffocate in misery at
peace. To be encased in her scent merely for a second, he would readily let the
guilt tare him apart. Until then, he continued to fight, even if he was losing.
�� No, he
did not envy his father, but his woman should be sitting at his right side. He
could picture her perfectly. She would be sitting there, elegantly dressed in a
sexy yet tasteful gown making small talk, and enjoying the mundane task. Eyes
would be sparkling just for him; her enticing lips up turned in that seductive
smile of hers. Yes, she would be inviting him in, provoking him to smile along
with her.
�� Hand
slipping into the pocket of his black dress pants; he toyed with the ring
there. Fingers caressing abandoned white gold, his eyes drifted into the world
of darkness, where only she brought light. Things hadn�t gotten better over
time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was obviously ignorant of something
more than heartbreak. Heartbreak, everyone went through that at some point in
their life, but very few went through their heart refusing to break. No, his
heart didn�t break; it slowly decomposed, black blotches forming holes. There�s
no escape from that, and time was powerless against its wrath.
�� True,
he went on with his life; he began to go to the galas that were thrown in honor
of him taking over. He entered the drone conversations of the inconsequential
gossip concerning who was powerful, who was weakening. Not being able to bring himself to care, fantasies of her presence corrupted his
vision. Memories of her laughter conquering the consistent drum of lifeless
voices, eyes bringing the room to existence; they would not leave his mind.
He scolded himself many times,
became resolute; he was going to forget her. �A large part of him wanted that, it was a
necessity. Getting to the point of burning her words, melting their connection,
even as he was determined to do so, some piece of him refused. That piece was
weak, quiet, scared, but it was enough. The quiet watered down plea to cease
yielded nothing but complete and entire submission, and submit he did. That
part of him, that plea, was truth in its purest form. Wanting to forget, but
instead committing to memory, would there be no relief?
�� His
father clearing his voice brought him back to the cold, vengeful glazed eyes
dirtying his soul. Narrowing his eyes at the man, he was sure the raw hatred
and abhorrence couldn�t be seen in its entirety. Illogically, part of him
blamed that man. Understanding he, himself, was the
one to cause the damage, his father was shamed with the same taint.
�Master puppeteer, his father pulled the
precise strings, twisting him in a deformed dance. As the saying goes, you need
two to tango. His father made sure there was only one player, solitude bringing
no peace, instead war. There was no tango that accepted one player so he stood
alone, in the middle of a large empty room, with nothing but hollow music and
his depleting warmth.
His father contorted words of others,
making him feel inadequate in the eyes of his associates. As he looked back
now, there were underhanded comments made, but they were all in jest. When his
father mentioned them though, they took on a dark light, the puppets falling
into their proper positions. It all fit, so why wouldn�t he believe it? Having
knowledge of his vulnerable spot, his father wasted no time in exploiting it
for his own purposes.
At that time, all Sesshoumaru
longed for was power, and that power was put into jeopardy. Over taking his
mind were scenarios of failure, of becoming merely a joke in the eyes of the
people that mattered. He could not allow that to be, so he fought back, illogically.
As he fought, he lost what he was battling for, he lost the one person that
truly mattered, and he didn�t realize until it was too late. One saying that
was correct in its deceitful simplicity resounded trough him. You don�t know
what you have until it�s gone.� He knew
now, didn�t that count for anything?
�Isn�t this wonderful Sesshoumaru?
Inuyasha is to take a mate, and such a lovely one at that! Aren�t you proud of
your little brother?� Inu no Taishou�s words rang out, his deep voice filled
with pride, blanketed by joy. That pride was dark and foul, for it was pride of
a gruesome deed.
Chin snapping down minutely,
Sesshoumaru�s nod failed in hiding his resentment, the eyes of his father
lighting up in an achieved game of life or death at the sight of his locked
jaw. The joy Sesshoumaru witnessed in those conniving eyes would not soon be
forgotten, it was sure to taunt him the rest of his days.
Resting his fork against priceless
china roughly, the crack formed rapidly, silently. Narrowed eyes confirmed a
death sentence, gold darkening, freezing. Fisting the precious ring, he prayed
for her to give him strength. No, not physical strength, he did not lack
anything in that section, strength not to kill the demon and commit yet another
irreversible sin. His sins already weighed him down, chaining him to the ground
with such force he was sure he would break through, and when he did, he would
never reach the bottom. For the bottom didn�t exist for him any longer, he
could go no lower.
�Indeed.� The curt word was forced,
but showed no sign of its abuse.
Inu no Taishou�s back stiffened
with the word, the word carried with it such promises he cared not to know of.
He could feel his life shortening, lethal orbs staring him into quiet
surrender. No, this was his son, and he would act like it. He had been right
about the girl regardless of how annoyed his son got. She ran away at the first
sign of trouble, and didn�t even consider looking back. She was a gold digger;
his son should be thanking him!
Inuyasha noticed the tense
atmosphere when it threatened to suck the air from his lungs. Glancing between
Sesshoumaru and his father, he considered what side he would take if a fight
broke out. He decided on his father, considering Sesshoumaru was most likely to
blame for the situation. He was an asshole; it was bound to piss his father off
at some point. Shrugging, he jumped right into the line of fire.
�So, Sesshoumaru, what�s up your
ass?� Inuyasha�s gruff voice brought four pairs of eyes to his form. A gasp,
snarl, a choking sound, and a light chuckle followed. Grinning crookedly down
at his mate to be, he saw her hand over her mouth, the gasp clearly originating
from her.
She couldn�t believe his stupidity.
Clearly something was amiss. How he figured that question would solve anything,
she would never understand. That wasn�t the point here though, the hilarious
situation was. How humorous, the family of the great Inu no Taishou falling
apart before her very eyes. It�s not as though she wished them harm, she just
wanted the money, all of it. If she got a chance to view their end, then it was
all the more enjoyable.
However, she wasn�t stupid, and
knew better than to laugh as she wanted. So, she gasped at the remark, and put
on her horrified face. The distaste in Sesshoumaru�s eyes told her he didn�t
believe it, but the laughter in Inuyasha�s said not only did he believe it, he
enjoyed it. This was almost too easy.
�Inuyasha!
Is that any way to talk to your older brother?� Komika�s
voice came out soft and appalled, only slightly covering the malice.
Snickering at the brown haired,
blue eyed girl in front of him, Inuyasha didn�t even bother lowering his ears
in shame, for there was none. Tilting his head towards his brother, his words
were not soft, but noisy attacks aimed towards Sesshoumaru. �I wouldn�t have to
talk that way to ice chunk over there, if he wasn�t acting like a jealous
asshole.�
A snarl broke from Sesshoumaru�s
throat, eyes becoming nothing but an honest threat of violence. Words laced
with pain to come, his eyes never left his soon to be prey. �And what, half
breed; could I possibly be jealous of you for?�
Growling at the insult, Inuyasha
whipped around to face Sesshoumaru, his scowl lightening as his smile formed.
Taunting, cruel, and shameless, the words infected his very breath. �You�re
jealous because my mate to be actually wanted me, because I am not alone like
you, because I am loved.�
The ending of the word was cut
short as Inuyasha�s mouth was slit with acid, the whip recoiling back to
Sesshoumaru, blood splattering the air. Stinging and pain not having a chance
to settle in, his back crashed into the wall, the force of the blow sending
chunks of plaster around them, a hole surrounding Inuyasha, and a red eyed
demon snarling breaths of misery and anguish stood over him. A strangled growl
and claws clashing against Sesshoumaru�s wrist was his only defense.
Only then did the scream of two
females fill the air. Only then did the rejoicing eyes of their father lash at
them. Inu no Taishou made no move to stop the attack, relaxing into the cushion
of his chair, he merely watched with ailing fascination. Injustice settled
quickly, an expansive pit forever growing in his stomach; he ignored the
growing hole of the unforgivable.
Eyes growing wide as Sesshoumaru
gripped his neck harder, claws digging in, blood freely falling to the floor,
true fear struck him. This wasn�t like usual, this wasn�t what he expected.
Normally Sesshoumaru made his point, flaunted his
power, and left him be. This time though, as Sesshoumaru lifted his body from
the wall and slammed him back against it, the sickening crack following the
movement, he wasn�t so sure he�d make it out alive this time as his eyes winced
closed in pain.
Something caught his eye at that
moment, captured his entire attention. The fear still present, regret wormed
its way into him. Looking into Sesshoumaru�s eyes, he felt the burden of
mistake crushing him, ears flat against his skull. Something had gone horribly
wrong in his teasing; somehow he crossed the line when he didn�t even realize
the line was there.
There was anger, yes, but more than
he ever saw before, more than he ever looked for before. Confusion on how he
noticed now was pushed aside by the sheer force of it. Betrayal, pain, anger,
loss, hopelessness, anguish, and more emotions that words cannot describe were
daring him to make a move. Winching again for a completely different reason, he
let his hands fall flaccidly against his sides. How could he fight against
someone who had nothing to live for?
He felt the blood rush through his
veins, heard it roar in his ears, and suddenly there was blood in front of him,
on him. He hadn�t realized what he was doing until he had Inuyasha against the
wall, fingernails making a home in his flesh, gorging on blood. The
satisfaction lasted but a moment, the anger taking him prisoner once again.
He was loved damn it, even if it
was past tense. He had been loved, and wanted at one point. Yes, he threw it
away, but how dare this half breed presume to think he could insult his woman?
To say she didn�t love him was crushing the very core of her being. She loved,
that�s what she did. Desiring to feast on the blood himself, his beast snapped
at his heals, forcing him forward. The half breed would die, and he would bathe
in the life he stole.
The dead weight in his claws dimmed
the crimson red glow of his eyes; the pity swimming in the eyes of his brother
was far worse than he could have ever imagined. That pity, that semblance of
understanding, concreted the situation, made it all real. He couldn�t day dream
his way away from that look, away from the burning regret.
Snarling, he tossed Inuyasha to the
ground, not as roughly as he intended, but a gratifying crunch soothed his
frustration. Attempting to regain the dignity Inuyasha ripped away with one
glance, he flicked his fingers free of the polluted blood. Resisting the urge
to snarl towards his father�s grinning eyes, he made his way to the door.
Freckled with blood, his hand made
contact with the front door handle, his father�s voice calling him away from a
premature departure.
�Where do you think you�re going
Sesshoumaru? Acting spoiled and taking out your frustrations at the whore on
Inuyasha, are you a child?� Envy transformed the angry words into something so
vile and crude Sesshoumaru didn�t know whether to be consumed in pity or
vengeance.
Not bothering to turn and look at
the man that altered his life in a dreadfully drastic way, the man that was
meant to love and protect him, he couldn�t bare the sight of him. Speaking
slowly, deadly, the meaning was clear. �You will
refrain from speaking about her using that word.�
A dark chuckle filled the hallway,
finally beating away all remnants of innocence, leaving the scalding sting of
unforgivable betrayal. �Do not deny it. She left Sesshoumaru, after she got
what she wanted she was gone. It�s time to move on to someone more deserving.�
The doorknob in his hands was
reduced to fine metal shavings, his eyes darkening into a pool of blood. Aura
flaring out, the rage refused to let him gain control. Feeling his father�s intake
of breath, the raw intensity of his strength was unleashed. He was inches away
from a full transformation, and could only hope he brought the house down on
the old man. Words encrusted so deeply with hatred, it was impossible to
suppress the reflex of backing away. �I assume you mean the whore you have with
you tonight, or perhaps the gold digger Inuyasha has taken? If your answer is
yes, then you, father, know nothing
concerning the word deserve.�
And back away he did, his feet
moving on their own accord, mind too frozen to monitor
the reaction. �Inu no Taisho was never
one to back away from a fight, but a blood rage was something you didn�t want
to deal with unless necessary; and contrary to many human�s beliefs, he was
getting old. No, he wouldn�t die young, but he was more than a few decades old
and was growing weary in his fighting. Fear though, he had never felt true fear
of a being since he was a pup, and his pup instilled it so thoroughly that his
veins cried out in alarm.
He was no coward, however, and his
unaffected pride protested loudly, forcing him into a position no one wanted to
encounter. �Do not speak to your father that way boy.� The words were released
before the handler could lock the leash into place, face frozen, but eyes wild with
clear appall. The air suddenly grew solid and his lungs burned for
satisfaction.
Scenes of his father�s death
unfolded behind his eyes, actors contorted into taking part in portrayals of
homicide and torture. Delighting in the ungratified screams for mercy by his
father, the pleasure faded to deep deprivation as he slammed his fist against
the wood door before him, splinters caressing his skin with a kiss of sweet
pain. Strength unchecked, shards of wood littered the hallway and lawn before
him.
Striding with scarce strength to
see past the haze of immediate retaliation Sesshoumaru exited the damaged home,
his abuse the only visible signs of corruption. Raw all the way through, his
fingers refused to clench, there was not enough control to succeed in even that
minute task. Eyes, holding hell in them, focused so intently wind would avoid
him, he began to pool his energy around the base of his feet, slowly allowing
it to swirl up his body. A white film circling his body, an eruption of energy
was left in his wake, grass and trees leaning away in response. Stilling only a
half second, the orb now encasing his body, he whipped into the sky unseen.
Forget his car, forget the chances of being seen and reported, consequences be damned. He needed to get home even if it was an empty and
cold home.
Inu no Taisho watched his eldest
blur and disappear into the night with a complicated mixture of victory,
relief, and anger. Narrowed gold eyes took in the sight of his broken door
before a snarl echoed his retreating footsteps.

~~~~~Kagome, Same time~~~~~

�� I
can�t believe you did that! You! Of all people you!� Chorused laughter
accompanied by the thudding footsteps of instability caused by laughter filled
the porch of Sango�s home. The sounds of barking and scampering paws running
off joined in with the obnoxious sounds.
�� Me?
What about you!? I didn�t even know your vocabulary included drunken sailor!�
Bumping her hip against Sango�s, Kagome laughed harder as her arm hopelessly
clung to Sango�s to keep her balance. The five or six bags in her hands
rustling loudly, she tried not to drop them. Their cheeks a rosy red with the
cold, their breath fogged around them surrounding them in a screen of life�s
demands.
�� It was
perfectly justified! He so had it coming, grabbing your butt like that!� Anger
was forgotten, laughter more enjoyable. Reaching into the pocket of her jeans,
fumbling with the shakes, caused by laughter, Sango�s finger finally clasped
onto the keys.
�� Oh Kami!� Sentence interrupted by another peal of laughter,
Kagome had to concentrate on breathing before she continued, the ache in her
sides almost becoming unbearable. �I almost forgot how to breathe when that
hand touched your bum! Oh Kami, your eyes!� Stumbling
into the house, the door clanging loudly against the wall in protest of their
combined body weight, she almost fell over because overzealous humor. �I was
certain he was a goner! I was going through our bank accounts in my head to see
if we could make bail!�
�� Grinning,
Sango became serious suddenly, her body straightening, the abruptness making
Kagome stand on end as well. Looking Kagome straight in the eyes, foot kicking
the door shut, her expression left no room for laughter. �If I could have had
my way, there wouldn�t be a body left. No body, no crime.�
�� Staring
blankly at Sango, reactions muddled and slightly shocked into silence, it ended
quickly with both of them trying to support each other as hyperventilation was
threatened from lack of air. Between gasping breaths, eyes watering, Kagome tried
to speak. �He�s going to have a black eye in the morning.�
Before moving to the couch, they
both emerged from their cocoon of winter jackets, setting them on a nearby
recliner along with their cloves. It hadn�t snowed yet, but it was getting
pretty close, so the heat of the house was welcomed.� Pretty soon they would have to set up the dog
cages indoors, before it got much colder.
Making their way to the couch,
grace was thrown aside as bodies met the cushions heavily, without mercy,
shopping bags tossed aside with slightly more grace. Seemingly choreographed
movements had both of their shoes kicked off and flying to meet the wall by the
front door, four consecutive thuds trailing not long after. �I bet he�ll have
one hell of a headache,� Sango�s breathless voice, muffled by too many symptoms
of humor, signified the slow calm taking over them.
�� Sucking
air in greedily, Kagome leaned her head against Sango�s shoulder, snuggling
into her slightly. Breath coming more easily, her relaxed voice forced the home
into a peaceful atmosphere only she could produce. �You know, I don�t think I
have ever hit a man that hard before.�
�� The
image of the man, whom was actually a perverted boy in their eyes, in the mall
who decided to grope both of them burned their minds. Yes, they were both angry
at the fact that someone had dared to do such a thing, in front of hundreds of
people no less, but they had gotten their revenge. Kagome snapped back and
punched the man square in the nose and Sango smacked him so hard he fell
backwards.
�� They
had just been looking at some sunglasses on a little stand in the middle of the
mall, when Kagome felt the hand. Without thinking, her own hand swung, followed
by Sango�s mouth, then far more colorful sentences were screamed as Sango�s behind
was grasped by the man, and if she recalled his name was Miroku. At least he
introduced himself?
�� Chuckling
quietly, unable to break the surrounding warmth, Sango laid her head on top of
Kagome�s, her arm giving her a slight squeeze. �I am so proud of you; you�re
growing up so fast.�
�� Sticking
her tongue out as per her usual response, Kagome nudged Sango. �Get the popcorn,
woman.�
�� Nudging
Kagome back with her shoulder, she rose from the couch, hopping over the bags.
�Then you, woman, put the movie in.�
�� Which one?� Kagome spoke in a louder tone while sliding
over to grab the bag containing the recently bought movies.
�� Popping
her head around the corner of the Kitchen, popcorn kernels in hand, a blush lit
her cheeks. �What did we get again?�
�� Shaking
her head with a laugh, Kagome rifled through the bag, pulling out five plastic
covered movie cases. �Well, we have five to choose from tonight. First, let�s
narrow it down, chick flick, action, or horror?�
�� Looking
for all the world like she was a surgeon about to go
into surgery, Sango gravely decided the fate of the night. �No chick flicks.�
�� Nodding
with much the same attitude, Kagome tossed aside �P.S. I Love You� and �What
Dreams May Come�, the sound of plastic hitting the coffee table finalizing
their fate. �Alright, now we have �Death Race�, �Wanted�, and �Taking Lives�
left.� Hearing no response from her best friend, she looked up and realized
Sango disappeared, the sound of popping and the smell of popcorn meeting her
senses.
�� What?�
The the raised voice of Sango fought the popcorn, her head half buried in a
cabinet as she searched for the popcorn bowl that kept eluding her.
�� We�re
watching �Wanted�!� Kagome shouted back, already in the eternal struggle to
remove the possessed plastic from the movie. Growling, Kagome dug her
fingernails into the small crease at the top of one of the corners, eyes
narrowed in a clear challenge. She had a bad past with these contraptions, either
the movie case was ruined or she would be finding pieces of sticky plastic
lining it randomly for years. �
�� A loud
�ah ha� was followed by a shout of �Sounds good�, but Kagome paid no mind. Her
attention was only for the object before her. Tearing off the plastic, its
crinkles mocking her, she balled the garbage and flung it into the now empty
shopping bag before taking on the conquest of getting off the sticky labels
covering the area of the case that opened. �Really!?
Who are they trying to keep out, terrorists!?� The shriek of frustration
resulted in two very different reactions, more determination and peals of
laughter.
�� Kagome,
it�s ok. All you have to do is take it off.� Sango mumbled, coming to sit next
to her with a purple bowl accented in yellow flowers and brimming with buttery
popcorn, her arteries would get no leniency. Setting the bowl on the coffee
table along with two cans of caffeine filled cola; she failed horribly at
keeping the smirk off her lips.
�� Glaring
savagely at Sango, Kagome laughed sarcastically. �Why thank you Sango. That
makes everything so much simpler! I never thought of that before!� Mumbling
promises of pain at the sticking labels along the movie, Kagome tore off the
top one, laughing evilly as it came off with no trouble. The second one,
however, didn�t turn out so well. Ripping off the one on the bottom, only half
was removed, and the rest was a hopeless cause. �Sango, they do this just to
torture us!�
�� Laughing,
Sango took the case and shook her head at Kagome. �Watch and learn.�
�� Ten
minutes later Kagome was sitting cross legged on the couch, her hand greased
with butter and reaching for more. �This must be a really slow lesson.�
�� Growling,
whether it was at Kagome or the sticker was unknown, Sango contemplated using a
knife on the insufferable thing. �It�s evil! I swear to you it is!�
�� See?
That�s what I was saying.� Kagome replied in a huffy tone, her hand snapping
out and grabbing the movie back. Slopping the bowl into Sango�s lap, Kagome
went to work, Sango�s eyes on her the whole time. Later rather than sooner a
loud call of victory and a quiet applause highlighted the removal of the hated
object. �I am so writing an angry letter to the people that manufacture these.
�Sango humped in agreement, mouth overflowing
with fluffs of butter drenched popcorn.
Looking over at Sango, a grin
brightened her eyes. �I think we may need more popcorn.�
�� Glancing
down, shocked eyes took in the almost empty bowl in her lap. Laughing and
scratching the back of her head, Sango jumped from the couch to get a refill.
�� Following
suit, Kagome jumped from the couch to put the movie into the DVD player, eyes
still taunting the inanimate object. Snatching up the remotes, she wasted no
time in plopping back down onto the couch, just in time for the smell of fresh
popcorn to start playing havoc on her senses. �Taking in a deep breath through her nose, she
let the scent twist her into the mood of girl�s night. They would do one of
these at least once a week. To just unwind and get a little time together
without all the hassle of the day weighing them down was an opportunity neither
one of them could refuse.
�� So,
once they depleted Sango�s movie supply, the next course of action was to shop
for more. Yes, they could always rent movies, but where was the fun in that?
Keepsakes always made life worth remembering. At least, that�s how she tried to
write off her movie addiction. Jumping away from the subject with herself
before it could lead to books she started to set up the movie.
�� As
Sango exited the kitchen she went and opened the front door, letting the dogs
into the house for the night. Sadie had given birth to a litter of five about a
day after Kagome let go of her emotions. All but one of the puppies was sent
away with new families just a few days ago. Kagome asked to keep the puppy she
fell head over heels in love with. His name was Yoshi, meaning good luck and
joy. The small puppy came running in before both parents, scampering towards
Kagome.
�� Giggling,
Kagome reached down and lifted the puppy into her arms gently, smiling softly
as she nuzzled back against the pup. She loved this little critter with everything
she had. It was hard and painful to watch babies being born healthy, even if
they were dogs, when she couldn�t do the same. Yes, she was often jealous of
Sadie, but she had the love of one small puppy and she wasn�t going to waste
it.
�� Sango
walked back into the living room, feet scuttling against the carpet, bowl
filled with popcorn and one huge blanket in hand. Plopping down next to Kagome,
they both automatically curled up on the couch under the blanket, stealing each
other�s heat. Kagome smiled as the two larger dogs curled up below them on the
floor and as Yoshi burrowed deeper into her arms. Without having to make a
noise, Sango tilting the bowl towards Kagome, letting her grab a handful before
digging in herself, their eyes already locked on the T.V.,
even if it was just showing the previews.
�� As soon
as the movie began, Kagome and Sango�s eyes met in a timeless duel, who would
shut off the light? They always seemed to forget that one simple action. The
curtains would all be closed, the popcorn maker set up, and yet that lamp never
got turned off before the movie started. Moving with surprising speed, Kagome�s
pointer finger connected with the tip of her nose and stayed there, signifying
not it. The rules were whoever got their finger to their nose first wins, and
Kagome bravely conquered this battle.
�� Mumbling
things better left unsaid, Sango uncurled herself, handed the popcorn to
Kagome, and trudged to the lamp on the far side of the living room. Clicking
off the light, her sneer was lost in darkness along with Kagome�s tongue.
Situated once again, they sank together into the tale unfolding before them.
�� Sango
knew and she understood Kagome was not completely healed, she wondered if she
would ever be. She smiled more, laughed more, and actually left the house now,
but there were these times, these times where her eyes looked dead. It
terrified her more than anything ever had, that look
of defeat. She didn�t know Kagome long or well before everything happened, but
what little she saw she knew that Kagome wasn�t meant to have that look. No,
she shouldn�t even know that look.
�� She
knew that wishing and thinking about what should have been never helped
anything, so she tried her best to stay away from those thoughts, but sometimes
it was unavoidable. Keeping in the sigh, she instead lost herself in the
thoughts of what will happen, what should happen. No longer was the past at the
front of her mind, but the future.� As
much as she loved Kagome, she couldn�t stay there forever. Not because she didn�t
want Kagome to, no, that wasn�t it at all. It was because it wasn�t what was
best for Kagome, it wasn�t what she needed. Sometimes she thought even Kagome
knew that.
�� She
knew Sango was worried about her, those times when she lost reign of her emotions
and her thoughts, most of the time she could keep them hidden away deep in a
clich�d shadowed corner of her mind, but sometimes she couldn�t hide away from
the constant jack hammering of the attention seeking heart breakers.
�� Then
there were those things she couldn�t even push off into the back of her damaged
mind, those things that have taken up permanent residence in the front of her
mind, her child and her lost love. She could not ignore those thoughts, those
memories. Those tears, those fears don�t disappear and never will. You can grow
with them, you can deal with them, but you can never move on from them. People
that say you have to just move on honestly can�t comprehend something far worse
than pain, heartbreak, all of it; the feeling like you�re dying even when
you�re breathing.
�� As
clich� as it sounded, it was the truth. Admitting to herself that she could
live with the loss of her heart, Sesshoumaru, she still couldn�t live happily.
How on earth could she live at all if she lost her reason for living? It may
sound harsh, but when she found out she was pregnant, Sesshoumaru was no longer
the first person on her list. It irreparably broke a part of her, but she could
continue on for her child. Take that away, and what�s the point to it? Why?
The question everyone will continue
to ask is why, and still no one will get the answers they crave. You will never
get an answer to that question that will satisfy you if it is asked from your
heart, because even you don�t know what you want to hear. When you ask why you
were even allowed to be pregnant just to lose the child, no answer you will get
will ever be enough, because it isn�t enough. It�s never enough. All those
answers bring are more whys and following those will only be more
disappointment, anger, and pain because you can�t accept the answers.
They don�t fix anything; they don�t
make it all ok, so essentially the question is pointless. Still everyone will
continue to ask it when something bad happens. Why me? Why now? Why not me? Why?
Those questions will be chanted throughout history, and she wondered if anyone
ever got an answer that made the pain lesson.
So, she settled on, there is no
reason. There is no response to your cries of why because there is no reason
for it, it�s a part of life and you have to deal with it. She had to deal with
it just happening because what reason could there be? Also, if there was a
reason that explained it all, would it bring more pain? All she could do was
accept what happened and get used to holding it with her for the rest of her
life. Kissing the top of Yoshi�s head, she glanced up towards Sango.
She hated seeing Sango worried, so
she tried her hardest not to get lost in those thoughts, the only time she
could in the comfort of Sango was during these movie nights. It was dark, it
was loud, and she had her best friend. At first she wanted to simply isolate
herself, but soon she needed someone there. Kagome worried she was too clingy,
but Sango had yet to complain, so she would stick with the current
situation.�
Knowing she couldn�t stay here
forever and accepting it had been two very different things for her. Where
would she go? How would she get there? What would she do when she got there?
There were just too many things to worry about, too many different situations
to consider. She wanted to stay in this safe home, close to her rock, and close
to her dream. If she left, she wondered, would her child come with her or stay
here? She didn�t have much to remember, but if she left, would she have
anything to remember?
Every night before she went to
sleep, if she could sleep, Kagome would cling to the feelings of her pregnancy;
the feeling of someone growing inside of her, terrified that when she woke that
memory would be gone or dampened. When you lose someone you love to the grips
of death, years go by, and soon you forget things.
First you forget the big things,
the way they looked, the way their voice sounded, and eventually their
face.� After that, the little things
stick quite a while, their actions, their little quirks, but all too soon those
begin to fade. The only thing that stayed would be the pain and anguish of loss
and it only grew worse once you couldn�t remember even their favorite food. She
had less to remember of her baby than any of that. How could she hope not to
forget?
Some part of her kept repeating it
would never forget, but she didn�t know if she could trust herself any
longer.� If she forgot even the smallest
of things then maybe she deserved what happened, maybe that was a sign. Shaking
that thought from her crusted mind, she ignored Sango�s odd look, and berated
herself. Even if she did deserve it, her baby didn�t. That she was sure of, the
only thing she was sure of anymore.
At times her mind and soul would
crash down against her heart and she would lose breath, and at those times she
felt the most free. Not in the sense of being free from her burdens, but free
because she was getting her punishment, punishment for failing. She knew she
deserved the wrath of her soul or her mind�s scathing remarks, and rejoiced
when it was delivered. It was the only time she didn�t feel so dirty, filthy,
as if she had committed a crime too heinous to speak of.
Exhaustion taking hold of her still
weakened body, her eyes drooped closed. Snuggling closer to Yoshi, she didn�t
fight. Darkens swelling against her, praying no nightmares would corner her
into dread filled blankness, she drifted into a sound sleep, not noticing Sango
doing the same or the background voices of a forgotten movie.

~~~~~Next Day~~~~~

�� Something kicked her nose and
yanked her from a wonderful dreamless sleep, eyes snapping open at the
intrusion.� An inch away from her nose
was Sango�s purple sock covered foot, Yoshi even made a whine of protest.
Giggling, she swatted the foot away from them, causing Sango to jump in alarm.
�� A fast
intake of air and a groan sounded Sango�s awake from her dreams. Straining, she
moved her body from the curled up state it had twisted itself into, bones
cracking in protest. Sitting up, she squinted her
eyes, rubbed her hand over them, and let lose such a large yawn it had Yoshi
and Kagome tilting their heads in unison.
�� Giggling,
Kagome wrapped the blanket closer around herself, pulling it away from Sango.
Grinning, tongue stuck out, she sat up as well, stretching and letting her
muscles warm to movement slowly. Yoshi held carefully in her arms, she leaned
down and kissed the top of his head in a good morning, his long tongue peaking
out to lick her hand in response.
�� Shaking
her head, Sango slowly stood up, the cold air of the morning making her
instantly regret the decision. Groaning, she shot a glare towards the blanket
hogging Kagome before shuffling off into the kitchen, grumbles of coffee
stating her purpose.
�� Setting
Yoshi on the ground tenderly, Kagome stood as well, a large yawn and yet
another forced stretched seized her before she could move. Grunting, moving to
the door, she let the dogs out before breakfast. Wrapping the blanket tighter
around herself, encasing herself in warmth, she followed Sango into the
kitchen, coffee the only surviving thought.
�� Pressing
the on button after setting up the coffee maker, Sango took out two large mugs,
one saying �Merry Christmas� and the other saying �Happy Holidays�. �� T�is the season to
be jolly she reminded herself. Well, it was getting close to the season
anyways. It was now the beginning of November and they still haven�t gotten any
snow, not that anyone was complaining.
�� After
seeing enough coffee in the pot, she filled their glasses evenly, deciding they
didn�t need to wait until they could have full cups, they would just refill
once they were done with what they had. It was just one of those mornings.
Brining the cups to the table, she plopped down in the chair across from
Kagome, sliding her cup towards her.
�� Moaning
in thanks as the smell wafted towards her, Kagome instantly reached for the
cream and sugar. Filling her coffee with an overly generous amount of cream and
sugar, Kagome mixed it in until it was a light brown. Smiling, she cupped the
mug and lifted it to her nose, closing her eyes and taking in the warming scent
before taking a sip of the steaming liquid.
�� Sango
only added in a little cream, taking her coffee almost black, and took a larger
sip, letting the heat run down her throat with an answering moan. Finishing her
cup, she reached her hand out and took the mug Kagome placed in it before
moving to get a refill.
�� Sending
a promising glance towards the coffee maker, Kagome got up and headed to the
front door to let the dogs in. Seconds later, the sound of running dogs filled
the house that felt a lot warmer than a few minutes ago. Headed towards the kitchen
once again, Kagome�s mind only thought of the coffee, but it would have to
wait.
Opening a cabinet next to the dog
bowls, Kagome heaved a huge dog food bag from it, grunting with the exertion.
Tipping the bag over each bowl, she filled them to the top with each one,
putting the bag back with a little less trouble. After filling the water
dishes, she jumped away from the seemingly starving dogs with a giggle.
She was back at the table before
anyone could blink, coffee mug in hand, already started on mixing her perfect
drink. Taking a large sip, the coffee somehow relaxed every one of her muscles
as it traveled down her throat. Finally sedated enough to
speak, Kagome smiled at Sango, her relaxed tone melting into the scent of
coffee. �Good morning.�
Smiling in return, Sango took a
long gulp of her drink before answering. �Morning.�
Reaching her hand out, she took the
offered cup before Sango asked, and stood to get more refills, anything less
than three cups wasn�t enough. Returning with the cups, the coffee pot
refilled, she handed Sango�s cup to her before getting to work on remaking her
mixture. While stirring in the cream and sugar, Kagome asked the ritualistic
question. �So, what are you making this morning?�
As a typical response everyday it
was Sango�s turn to cook, she scowled at Kagome. �It�s your turn to cook.�
Scowling back over the ridge of her
coffee cup, Kagome took another drink before answering. �No, I cooked eggs
yesterday, it�s your turn and you know it.�
Groaning, Sango attempted to hide
behind her hands, knowing it wasn�t working, she took her coffee with her and
got up to begin cooking. �Fine, but all you�re getting today is instant
pancakes.�
Shrugging, Kagome pried her fingers
from the mug to reach down and pick up Yoshi who was nuzzling her feet to get
noticed, having finished his breakfast. �Sounds good to me.�
Spending her time petting Yoshi and playing with him, her giggles contrasted
drastically with the sounds of sizzling and pots clanging together.
Not long after the decision, the
food was done and Sango was serving steaming pancakes onto their plates, Kagome
having set them out along with two cups of milk. Syrup and butter was also set
in the middle of the table along with extra napkins. Horrible things always
happened when syrup was involved.
Smiling brightly, Kagome drenched
her pancakes in butter and syrup, her knife and fork tearing at the bread like
food. Taking a healthy chunk and sticking it in her mouth, another moan sounded
her happiness. �So good Sango.�
Laughing, Sango only added a dollop
of butter and just enough syrup before taking her own bite. Eating in silence,
air growing heavy, Sango knew it was her fault. Ever since she started making
coffee, she�d been trying to figure out how to bring up a sensitive subject.
She wanted Kagome to go back, she wanted Kagome to try. If it didn�t work, then
it would never be brought up again. She just needed her to try.
Staring at Sango, Kagome tried to
guess what was wrong before Sango broke from the tense atmosphere. Chewing a
mouth full of warm pancakes, she couldn�t figure it out. Sango usually said
what was on her mind. The only time she didn�t was if it would hurt someone she
cared about, and that�s what scared her. It had to be something serious.
Sighing, her fingers twitched to hold Yoshi, her safety blanket. Of course he
was much more than that, but she realized that was one of the main things he
was to her. She loved him, and he held her together.
Almost finished with her first
helping, Sango finally spoke, startling Kagome out of her thoughts. She
couldn�t have heard right, there was no possibility she heard right. Shaking
her head, giving Sango an odd look and an apologetic smile, she laughed a
strained laugh. �I�m sorry, I didn�t hear that right. What?�
Sighing, Sango refused to give up
and kept her eyes locked on Kagome. �I want you to go back to him.�
Staring blankly at Sango, Kagome
couldn�t even form the sentence in her mind, the words not making sense
together anymore. Blinking, she stuttered out a confused sounding question.
�You want me to what and with who?�
Feeling guilt begin to add weights
onto her shoulders, she did her best to shrug it off, remembering she was doing
this for Kagome�s best interests. �I want you to go ba..�
�I heard what you said!� Kagome
suddenly gasped, her eyes wide with horror and confusion, fork limply hanging
from her fingers. �Why?�
Leaning slightly across the table,
Sango touched Kagome�s hand that was settled against the top, never losing eyes
contact. �Because it�s what�s best for you Kagome. You miss him, you love him,
you need him, and you want to. You know it�s what�s for the best.�
Snapping her hand back from
Sango�s, anger fueled by misunderstanding, Kagome glared at Sango. �If you
wanted me to leave you could have just said so.�
�Kagome, don�t even start that. You
know I don�t want you to leave, I love you and you know that. I just don�t want
to wake up years from now knowing I could have helped you be happy and didn�t
because I was too scared to say anything. You know I�m right even if you won�t
admit it.� Sango said softly, but confidently, her argument not detoured by
Kagome�s cold reactions.
Leaning close to Sango, her tone
mocking, eyes narrowed. �I left him for a reason Sango.�
�People change Kagome,� Sango said
with a soft sigh, her eyes drifting downwards. It�s not really that people
change, but more things change people. Kagome changed.
�That�s the point isn�t it?� Kagome
snapped back, lashing out in her distress. She didn�t know what emotion to pick
or how to cling onto a thought long enough to make it have any relevance.
Everything was so jumbled and moving too fast to read, to make sense of.
�Yes, yes it is. If he changed
before, how do you know he didn�t change back? How do you know he didn�t see
what he did and misses you? How do you know he doesn�t feel the loss you do?�
Sango asked in a determined tone, growing braver with each syllable.
Not thinking about her answer, not
keeping her heart in check, her voice came out in a pleading, harsh sound.
�Because he doesn�t know what I do Sango! He doesn�t know!�
Feeling pain and sympathy
threatening to make her cave in and forget the idea, Sango fought to hold onto
reason. �All the more reason to go back! He deserves
to know Kagome, and you need to tell him. You will never find peace until you
do, and you know that.�
Closing her eyes tightly, Kagome
argued within herself, her thoughts still lost. Opposing reasons blurred and
she couldn�t locate steady ground to plant her feet. Heart beating in frenzy,
words came out without thought and without a filter, they were simply raw
emotions. �And then what? Then he can leave me? Will I be happy and find peace
once he blames me for it? Will I find my serenity after he sends me out on my
rear? Will I be happy once he knows I killed his child!?�
Growling, Sango reached across the
table and grasped Kagome�s chin so fast her glass of milk tipped over, spilling
cold murky liquid from the table top to the floor. Locking her eyes with
Kagome�s, she didn�t waver once. �Don�t you dare
say that, not around me. I know I can�t say anything
to make you see the truth, but I will not
tolerate lies being spoken to me.�
Not being able to keep the eye
contact, Kagome looked down at Yoshi, eyes blurring with tears she didn�t want
to shed anymore. She was so sick of crying. It felt like that�s all she did
anymore, it got so tiring. Taking in a deep breath of air, the hand left her
chin was replaced by two arms around her shoulders. Leaning her head against
Sango�s, eyes closed, Kagome let out a sigh. �I just don�t think I can handle
it if he looks at me with those eyes, eyes that condemn you.�
Shaking her head, Sango gave Kagome
a squeeze, offering what comfort she could. �Kagome, you know him, before he
changed, you knew him through and through. Regardless of what you believe, he
does love you, and knowing that, knowing him, would he blame you?�
Feeling little of the weight on her
heart lesson, she sighed, eyes opening to stare at the wall before her. �No,
he�d blame himself.�
�Then it will be a circle of self
blame.� Sango teased lightly, releasing Kagome from her hold, coming to stand
at Kagome�s side, looking down at her. �You have to do this, you have to try.�
Letting lose her biggest sigh yet,
Kagome lifted her hands and covered her eyes, rubbing her face gently to stop
the oncoming headache. �I know Sango, I know.� Abruptly, she stood from her
chair, reached down and picked up Yoshi before walking out of the kitchen.
Confused and worried, Sango
followed her down the hallway and into her room. �What are you doing?�
Setting Yoshi down on her bed, she
turned to the closet and opened it, pulling out a large duffle bag. �I�m
getting packed, well, I�m packing some stuff.�
�Kagome, I didn�t say right away,�
Sango reasoned, worried her friend was in shock.
�If I don�t do it now, I never will
Sango. I will spend all my time talking myself out of this,� Kagome answered
while pulling sweatshirts and sweatpants from the closet first. Actually, she
had talked herself out of it from the day of the miscarriage. She had been
planning to go back and tell him for months, but kept postponing the date, fears
getting the better of her. The reason she didn�t put up a big fight with Sango
was because she knew it was for the best.
Fears soared through her, but she
would not give in this time. Fear could either suffocate you or feed you. She
decided at this very moment that it would feed her. She would suck her resolve
from the very core of the fear, starving it, slowly, but still starving it. It
had only been months since she left, either things
didn�t change at all or they changed beyond recognition, she couldn�t decide
which would be better.
The darker side of her, which had
become far more noticeable than ever before, said it was a mistake. It sent her
mind into overdrive with scenes of his abhorrence, of his hate. The way his
eyes would be cold, but would melt just enough to show the burning disgust of
her, she didn�t know if she could take it.
The lighter side, the cursed
hopeful side ravaged her heart with the free falling feeling of things working
out, of him taking her in his arms and holding her as she spilled everything.
He would kiss her forehead and whisper words of comfort, telling her it wasn�t
her fault. She almost hated this side more, despised it with everything she
had. If she didn�t hope she couldn�t be let down, she wouldn�t be hurt.
A soft whine pulled her from her
thoughts as she zipped up the bag, having filled it to the brim with all she
could need. She knew it was getting cold, and she wanted to be prepared if she
ended up staying there. Again, the hope made this choice for her and the sight
of the bag almost caused her throat to close with agonizing worry.
Looking down, she saw Yoshi
fumbling to climb on top of her bag. Heart sinking, she sat on the bed and
filled her arms with her little fur ball. �Oh Yoshi, I�m so sorry.� Kissing the
top of his head, she nuzzled her cheek against him. She didn�t want to leave
him behind, but it was too long of a drive and the weather scared her too much
to chance it. She would be back, never would she forget Yoshi.
Whining in protest, he somehow knew
she was leaving and he couldn�t come. Burrowing into her arms, he licked her
chin, sad puppy eyes attempting to change her mind. Smiling sadly, she kissed
his nose before looking up at Sango. �You�ll take good care of him.� It wasn�t
a question, she knew Sango would.
Nodding, she took Yoshi from
Kagome�s shaking hands and cradled him in her own arms. Sighing as Kagome
grabbed her bag and left the room she followed after her, worry controlling
her. She was confused. Part of her regretted saying anything, but the other
part knew it was the right thing to do and would not apologize for it. She knew
the second part was right, even if it hurt to admit. �You�ll be careful.� It
wasn�t a question, it was a demand.
Straining to smile, Kagome zipped
her Jacket after putting her shoes on, slipped her gloves on, and picked up her
bag once more. Not knowing what to say, Kagome ruffled the fur on Yoshi�s head,
leaned over and kissed Sango�s cheek, and exited the house without a second
look. If she looked back, thought too much about it, she would never make it to
her car.

~~~~~One Hour Later~~~~~
��
�� She was
getting close, too close. The road was beginning to twist in the familiar way,
the signs showing well known words and numbers. With each passing second, the
fear began to build into full blown panic. Eyes shifting rapidly around the
surrounding area, teeth gnawing on her lips, and fingers gripping the steering
wheel so hard her knuckles were beginning to swell.
�� This
was a stupid idea, the most ridiculous idea she had ever had. She was right
when she convinced herself to not go; she was right in never wanting to tell
him. Kami, what was she doing? He would turn her away; he would open the door
and slam it in her face once he saw her. Heart break was what she was setting
herself up for, and she knew it.
Fingers twitching on the steering
wheel, she couldn�t find the strength to breathe, let alone turn down the heat.
She had been sweating and suffering in the heat for the last half hour, but
couldn�t find enough energy to turn it off.�
All she could think about was what she was going to do in the next
fifteen minutes. What would she say? How would she even begin?
She couldn�t even seem to hold onto
the reason for leaving anymore, it all seemed to minimal compared to everything
else that happened in the last months. Would he understand? Did he change back?
Did he regret the way he acted towards her? Even if he did, would that be enough
to make him not kill her when she told him the truth?
Smashing her foot against the brake
pedal, the tires locked and the car skidded to a jarring stop. She couldn�t go
through with it, no way. It was pointless. They were already broken apart, what
would adding more pain into the mix do to help anything? Why go back now? Why
go back to only hurt him, to hurt them.
The answer was easy, but buried
under barriers she didn�t even know she had. She loved him, that�s why. Love is
selfish, insane, and uncontrollable. A person would hurt someone out of love
and not be able to stop themselves. People would like to think if you loved
someone truly that you would never hurt them, but that is not love. Love is
getting hurt and still loving the person who hurt you. Love is doing everything
and anything you can to stay with the person you love, and she loved him.
Sighing, she clenched her eyes
closed, letting the waves of worry, fear, and doubt crash against her barriers,
taking pieces with them as they drifted back, only to gain more power and slam
against them again. Silent with seemingly the weight of the world on her
shoulders, Kagome pressed her foot back on the gas.
She didn�t know if it would work,
she didn�t know if it wouldn�t. As desperately as she tried not to fall into
hoping it would work out, she still fantasized it would. Dreaded warmth filling
her veins at the thought of his arms once again surrounding her, she missed
him.
Explosions of panic blurred her
vision as she pulled into the driveway to the house. She had to keep reminding herself
it wasn�t her house anymore. It all felt so familiar, and yet, so very wrong.
It wasn�t hers anymore and there was something so disturbing about that fact.
A passing thought stilled her so
suddenly she almost reversed and sped away. What if he had a woman over? What
if he found someone else? She cursed herself for not thinking of the
possibility sooner. He could have found someone else in six months. That was
half of a year for Kami�s sake. People have to move on eventually.
Still the car moved forward, unable
to turn back now that she saw the front door before her. Pulling to a stop, she
noticed his car wasn�t there. Perhaps he wasn�t home? Why didn�t she think of
that possibility before either? Of course he wasn�t going to just magically be
home because she decided to drop by for a visit. The sarcasm of her own mind
burned her. Shaking her head, she decided it didn�t matter, she would check
regardless.
Turning off the car, the thought of
checking was a lot easier said than done. Sitting in the eerily silent car, her
eyes never left the front door. What if he wouldn�t even let her in? What if he
saw her coming and just locked the door without answering? What would she do?
It was one P.M. on a Saturday. Maybe he had work?
Growling at herself, she grabbed
her keys and jumped from the car, slamming the door shut and marching up the
walkway to the door. No more questions, no more scenarios. She couldn�t take
anymore. He would accept her or he wouldn�t, and that
would be the end of it. She ignored the whisper of contradiction.
Sucking in a deep breath of air,
hand lifted to knock, the door swung open and the sight before her almost
shocked her into losing her balance. Right in front of her was Sesshoumaru in
all his glory, hair perfect, and clothes perfect, simply perfect. Letting out
the breath in a loud exhale; her eyes never left his face. Working up what
miniscule amount of courage she had left, she forced her eyes to his, shock and
fear clearly in hers.
He had smelled her, but couldn�t
believe it, he couldn�t bring himself to entertain the thought even for a
minute, but the smell kept getting stronger. Growling in rage, he strode to the
door with a look frustration, angrily berating himself for allowing this weakness.
It smelled as if she was right on the other side of the door, taunting him,
luring him, only to deceive him. Yanking the door open, he wasn�t prepared for
what met him.
There she was, hair in slight array
as usual, deep brown pools wide and raspberry lips spread slightly in surprise.
Oh Kami, he groaned to himself, she smelled so real. Never would he admit it out loud, but he was terrified to
move, for she may dissolve and vanish before his eyes. Shocks electrocuting his
heart into hyper mode as her eyes met his, his thoughts began to move faster
than he ever thought possible. Was she real? What was she doing here? Oh thank
Kami! Kami, he missed that smell. He couldn�t keep up.
Eyes never leaving hers, he gripped
the door handle his hand still held. Every nerve ending in his body was
standing on edge, waiting for her words, waiting for her to prove she was real.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her fingers twitch as they always did when
she was nervous. Everything slammed into him at once, and he had little time to
think of the repercussions as he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms so
fast that if he hadn�t been holding her head, it would have flung back with the
force.
�� Gasping,
with no time to react, she was surrounded in warmth, his arms tightly around
her. Eyes wide, she stood rigidly in his hold, too shocked to react correctly.
For the time being, every worry, every doubt, and every fear fled her body in
one solid move. Unsteady with the change, her fingers gripped onto his arms,
body shaking with the force of her feelings. She was home.
�� She
didn�t know how long they stood there, door wide open, cold air not daring to
touch them as they clung to each other in shared desperation. His reaction
astonished her to the very core and left her breathless and thoughtless. This
was something so important, more vital than anything she had ever known. This
was peace, even if it couldn�t last forever. That thought started another round
of shaking, her eyes blurring slightly with regret. She didn�t want him to let
go. Kami, she never wanted him to let go again. Those fears, however, were
forgotten once again as he very gently gripped her chin, almost as if she would
break.� Lifting her head up slowly so her
eyes met his, she had no warning before his lips crashed against hers.
�� She was
real, she was here, had come back. He couldn�t get passed those thoughts as he
held her close to him, greedily taking in her scent as though he were a
starving man. Kami, he had missed her, more than he thought before. The ache of
the past six months grew far stronger before washing away with the feel of her.
He didn�t remember her feeling this good before.
�� Smelling
the beginning of her tears, he felt the reality of the situation sink in. He
didn�t want her to leave, didn�t want her to let go ever again. Scared he would
hurt her, scared he would scare her,� he lifted her head to see her eyes
with the utmost care. Noticing the tears swelling, his kiss was desperate,
pleading.� Growling softly into her
mouth, her taste sent him spiraling in a high of ecstasy, crashing when he felt
her shudders and felt her tears spill over her cheeks. These weren�t happy
tears as he had hoped.
�� Pulling
her mouth away from his, her chin away from his hold, she pushed lightly
against him, not having strength to do much more. Consenting to her unspoken
request, he moved back from her slightly, eyes confused and worried. Closing
her eyes, she tried to stop the flood, but could no sooner stop a hurricane.
Feeling him again, tasting him, holding him, there was no hope to control her
emotions.
�� She had
so much to say, so many things to explain, and didn�t know where to begin. The
words slipped from her mind, hiding away from her reach. Fear of an entirely
different species held her captive, forced her into silence, and pleaded with
her not to tell him anything. Fears of losing him once again, fear of his
disgust. Kami, she could read his eyes again, and as contradicting as it was,
she wished she couldn�t. It would only hurt more.�
Reaching his hand up, he silently
tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, waiting as patiently as he could for
her words. He was scared. All he wanted was to have her back in his arms, and
nothing she could say would change that, nothing. He would have her back. There
was no question about the matter. Seeing her open and close her mouth, he slid
his fingers from her ear to her cheek bone, softly caressing her smooth skin.
His touch warmed her, but it made
her feel so dirty in the same breath. She was filthy, didn�t he see that?
Didn�t he see her guilt? How could he not see what she had become, a failure,
and a criminal of the worst kind? Wincing, she tilted her head away from his
fingers, a soft sob breaking the silence of the house.
Slowly retracting his hand, he
found himself struggling to hold off the shudder her sob drew from him. Able to
count the number of times she cried in front of him on one hand, the stability
of his mind was put into jeopardy at her gasping breath. Everything in him
ached to pull her into his arms, but he was far too terrified that she would crumble
if he touched her again. Still fighting to find the right words to speak, she
looked scared herself. Not being able to hold off any longer, he moved his hand
to touch her once again.
�Please don�t!� She couldn�t stop
the pleading cry, she tried, but it was a hopeless fight. She didn�t deserve
his touch, at least not until he knew the truth, not until he knew it all. �I�m
sorry Sesshoumaru.� Taking in deep breaths, she brought broken eyes up to his
and tried to share her feelings without words, because the words were too
confusing even to her.
�Kagome..�
Sesshoumaru started, but as soon as her eyes met his, he couldn�t find enough
breath to continue. Never before had she had that look, never before has she
had even the smallest amount of pain in her eyes, and that look held worlds of
it. Claws and fist tightening around his heart, it beat rapidly trying to
dislodge the hold. Breathless, his voice came out as a whisper. �What happened
to you?�
She never knew she could break so
fully from just one question, but she did, Kami did she
ever. Gripping onto the outside door handle to hold herself up, her eyes held
nothing in, she was sure her body was losing all of its water.� Jagged breaths separated her sobbed words, as
she tried to make him understand. �I�m sorry, so sorry.�
That fist tightened, and there was
no hope of dislodging it now. The sight of her so utterly shattered broke every
part of him he had left. Kami, what happened to her? How he wished he could
hold her, how he wished he could be her comfort. Voice raw and pained, he could
hardly get out his words. �Kagome, it�s alright. It was my fault for you
leaving; I know that, there is nothing to apologize for.�
Shaking her head rapidly, Kagome
rasped out words she wished he could just understand. �No, I lost it
Sesshoumaru. I failed. I am so sorry, Kami I am so sorry. I know you can never
forgive me, but you need to know, you need to know.� She was aware she was
rambling, but the pain crushing her left no room for her to care.
Confusion took over his being. His
heart was before him, sobbing, her heart breaking, and he couldn�t even figure
out what was causing the pain. If it wasn�t about her leaving, then what was it
about? What could make his kind hearted, life loving heart this way? �Lost what
Kagome?� He hated asking it because he knew it hurt her to answer his
questions, but he could never help if he didn�t know. However, he would never
be prepared for the answer he got.
�Our baby.�
Her voice was a whisper as her eyes shattered all over again with the
confession. It took every piece she had left not to collapse to the floor with
the words. She didn�t want to do this anymore, she didn�t want to be here,
Kami, she didn�t want to hurt him.
Nothing seemed to work anymore, his
mind shut down and his heart stalled at those two words. Staring at her
blankly, his mouth refused to move for some time, the silence only filled with
her gasping sobs and chanting of I�m sorry. Shaking his head minutely, his
voice was monotone. �Pardon me?�
Closing her eyes for a long moment,
she opened them and met his gaze straight on, never wavering. She needed to see
his reaction, needed to know whether to run or stay. �When I left I was
pregnant. I went to Sango�s and while I was there, about two months into the
pregnancy I had a miscarriage.� At the last word, her voice cut off and she had
to take a moment to breath before continuing. �I failed and I lost our child.�
Saying the words out loud to him wounded her far more than she ever thought
they would. They seemed too real.
She was pregnant when she left? She
had a miscarriage? Every sentence she said repeated itself in his mind, not
being able to make sense of it. Staring at her, not moving, he fought to
understand. Minutes passed before the information fully sunk in to his skull.
His first reaction was to laugh, if he would ever do that normally, but the
look in her eyes said it wasn�t a joke. Why couldn�t anything be a joke with
this woman?
The severity of the situation
finally slammed into him, creating an indent that would never fade. Anger
rampaged through him, sadness cheering it on. Eyes bleeding, his hands clenched
tightly, ripping away slices of his skin. The sharp tang of his blood did
nothing to ease the oncoming reaction. Voice harsh and unbelieving met her
ears. �You lost our pup?�
Nodding, she couldn�t control the
way her chest caved in at his reaction. �I�m sorry.�
How stupid was she to ever think he
wouldn�t hate her for this? She didn�t even tell him, and now she shows up,
tosses the news at him. How could he not hate her? Her breath was beaten out of
her when her chest caved in, feeling as though someone punched her in the
stomach. She was falling and hope was to blame. Kami, she despised hope.
Shaking with the force of his
anger, he couldn�t stop his fangs from growing to a dangerously sharpened
length. He knew he wasn�t angry with her, but he couldn�t halt the anger
itself. Their pup died before it had a chance to live. Their pup was taken from
them before he even got the chance to know it, even know about it. Refusing to
lie to himself, he couldn�t honestly say at this point if he blamed her or not.
Growling out the words, blood
pooled to the floor. �Sorry?�
With that one question all her
fears came to life with shocking speed, a tunnel forming around her vision with
red lights blinking rapidly at her. Run. He hated her, he blamed her, and his
eyes said it all. He was close to a full transformation for Kami�s sake. There
was no hope.� She couldn�t deal with the
emotions that conclusion brought on at the moment, her heart and soul going
numb as protection against it.
Rushed words, tears mixing on the
floor with the blood, she forced out the words. �I can�t do this. Kami
Sesshoumaru, I�m sorry.�� With those
words, she whipped around and ran towards her car, praying she wouldn�t fall in
her unsteady state.
Seeing her go, every part of him
screamed for him to stop her, for him to tell her not to go, even for him to
grab her and hold on for dear life, but he couldn�t move, couldn�t speak. Even
as his mind yelled and pleaded for him to talk, the words staining his tongue,
nothing came out. He watched her get into her car and drive away, and he
watched her disappear. He couldn�t move; nothing was listening to his brain.
Heart breaking, mind overworked, breathing was becoming difficult. She had been
pregnant and had lost the pup and he wasn�t there for her.
She went through it all alone, and
now that she came to tell him, he blamed her even if it was for a second. He
should have known, would have known, if he had been paying attention to her
before she left. He would have been able to smell it. He didn�t. She suffered
all by herself, and even now as he stared out into the sunlit drive way, he
couldn�t move.
It was all too much to take in, too
much to process. Guilt, regret, and horror took him captive first, before pain,
anguish, and misery encased him. Stepping numbly out into the yard, his energy
swirled sporadically around his form, his face changed into the muzzle of a dog,
huge fangs included. Suddenly, the large ball of energy shot into the air, with
him inside, and slammed back to the earth. Once the energy hit the ground, he
was in his demon form.
Wasting no time, he bounded off
into the forest, the opposite way Kagome went. He needed time to think.
Following him was the heart wrenching howls of a father losing his first born.
��
~~~~~END~~~~~

A/N Thank you for reading! I am working a lot, so it may be
another few weeks before chapter four! Please stay with me!

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