Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 29
- 30
- 31
Red Lotus
Chapter 30: The Prorate
Anguish filled her and brought tension on her shoulders. She was somewhere between the bedroom and the living room and she did not know where she wanted to stay. Sesshomaru would be home any minute and she did not know if she preferred facing him or hiding away until all was forgotten. The latest little argument they had was not the greatest and they had not spoken since. He had returned late - from where, she did not know, and then he worked today. She knew how he felt about tears and outbursts and honestly, she did not think she could go through with this argument. Especially not now that she had revealed a bit more information than she wanted. Her only hope was the Sesshomaru did not fully comprehend what she had meant.
It was possible right?
Oh god she hoped it was.
And now there she was, in a blue shirt that was definitively beginning to be too tight and a part of sweatpants, sliding from the bedroom to the living room. Because despite the fact that she was about to become a mother with someone to take care of, she could not figure out if she wanted to have a conversation with her husband/mate. What great parents they were about to make. And that pissed her off. Because now she had to talk to him. They would need to communicate and if they started ignoring each other before the baby was even born… it did not look good for the rest of the relationship. She had to suck it up, and talk to him. Maybe she could make up some pregnancy crazy story. That was a thing right?
She did feel like a complete lunatic at the moment.
Before Kagome could even make up her mind, there was a sound. The door handle shifted and turned and she knew she was stuck where she stood. She remained there, her arms stretched out and she braced herself.
Fate had made the decision for her and now she could only pray it was the right one.
She watched carefully as he entered the apartment, his bangs covering his eyes. He did not make an immediate eye contact with her. Instead, he carefully placed his bag near the door and then stood straight as he closed and locked the front door behind him. His jacket came off, and it was then, as he hung it, that he looked at her. He gazed at her from her toes to her hair, leaving her stiff.
"Have you eaten?"
"-D" What? Have you eaten? She almost wanted to be shocked by the first words out of his mouth but then again, he was only confirming what she had said during the fight; he had no emotions. He was over the fight, he did not care about it. To him, it was resolved the moment she walked away and he could never talk about it again and his life would be exactly the same.
But hers would not be.
She could not pretend, she could not live like this. All of her energy was directed towards the growing child inside of her and she could not waste that precious energy on faking that she was fine. Hence why they were having all of theses confrontations lately. And it could not keep going on like this because this was not a stress she could be putting on her body. She had already been put on bed rest and she was not going to risk her child's life.
"Yes," she finally answered as she let her arms drop to her sides. She always made sure to eat. Even when the hunger was not there or when her stomach was upset. The nutrient was not for her, it was for her baby.
"Good," he said as he walked past her, heading towards the kitchen.
It was rather difficult to meet her gaze at the moment. He had the luxury of not having to talk to her ever since he went and visited her mother. Since she had not asked, he assumed that Miyu that not share that little visit with her daughter. He had expected her to - but he was okay that she did not. He had not hidden it and he had never asked for the secret to be kept… but. It simply was. He had not said or admitted to anything that he did not want known. He had realized though that his relationship with Kagome was far more complex than he had initially realized.
And he still did not have an answer to any of the questions Miyu had asked him.
Even now, she had not talked to him and he had been to first to speak. Why? Why was it so important to speak to her when he saw her?
"That's it?"
Her words startled him slightly and he stopped in his stride. "Anything else?" he asked, keeping his back to her. He could guess this had something to do with what last happened but… she had run away smelling like shame. He figured she had not wanted to talk about it further. And he had nothing to say to what she said. Everything he had needed to say, he had. Perhaps she had more to say?
"We had a fight."
"A fight?" That was hardly a fight. A fight was bloodier and it took a lot more out of him. That was - a one sided discussion at the very best. Although from the way her eyes had narrowed, he figured that was a comment best left unsaid.
"Sesshomaru, we - I can't do this."
Again, she was using words that were not clear to him. Did she mean she could not have a baby, did she mean she could not have a discussion or did she mean she did not wish to live her any longer? This was why he disliked human emotions and tantrums. They gave him a headache whenever he tried to figure them out. And now he knew he could not walk away from this conversation. He had to ask and this would become a whole back and forth - and why was he playing along with it? What was so wrong with walking away? Kagome was not impulsive. She would not track him down to finish this discussion. Last time she had been the one to walk away. Why was he investing so much in this?
And now, in his head, he could hear Miyu's voice.
And he hated every second of it.
"You cannot do what?" he finally resigned himself to ask. His words were a little dry but - he had somewhat given up.
"This. This is too hard for me."
She was admitting more than she care to admit but - what else was she to do? He could walk away from all this in a heartbeat and she could not. At least, not yet. Maybe if she had some time and some distance but - she was never going to have some distance. They were together and they were having a child together. The best thing she could do was give herself some time. It was the only thing she could do.
"We - I don't want to have sex anymore," she added as rapidly as possible, her words nearly mashing together. "I'm pregnant - and - I - I just don't see the need."
He blinked once. Then twice. "Very well." Did she think he would force her to do something she had no desire to do? He might have done some things in the past but his terrors never stretched to that. He would not lay a hand on her unless she wanted him to do so.
"No kisses," she breathed out.
He had done that. It had sent her heart into palpitations. There had been no need to kiss her and yet he had. He had kissed her and she had felt more coming from him than she ever had before. That had only served to confuse her even more. She could not let that repeat itself. If she had to cut all physical contact, so be it. It was already ripping at her heart, the weight of what she was doing pressing down on her chest. Was it coming from her own heart or from the bond? It was so hard to tell the difference now.
No kisses? She was not stopping all sexual activities with him. She was simply cutting everything away. Did she think it was that simple? Did she not think that perhaps he did want to avoid all that from the start? He had not mated her so that they could have sex. He had done it to save her life. The needs that ensued were simply a result of that - one that neither of them could have stopped. They might have a stronger bond than before but it did not mean that she could suddenly pull herself away from him completely. Had she learned nothing?
"That did not work before." They had pushed back the sex as much as they could but it ended up happening regardless. This would be no different. It was easier now because she was sick and she was weak and her mind was focused on the child…but once the worries would be eased away, it would be there in the back of her mind. They were mated, they were bonded; they would require some sort of physical contact at some point.
"Maybe I wasn't strong enough." And she still was not but she would pretend she was. And she did not care if her words ended up being lies. It was okay if she could not carry this promise through. She simply wanted him to know that she did not want to have it all, that she did not want the sex or the kisses. She wanted him to think it was inevitable, but not that it was part of her. Plus, whatever time she got would be good for her, it would help her heal.
"Why?"
"Because I'm weak…" He knew that. He knew she kept failing and that getting back up was a struggle for her. Did he want to prolong her shame and embarrassment? Why ask that of her?
"No, why the change of heart?"
Did he truly ask her that? Had he not notice anything? She knew he was different, that he was less human than she was but … they had been living together for quite a while now. Could he not even notice the littlest things, even if he did not understand them? It was obvious that she was stuck, it was obvious that she was miserable. She had even made the mistake of sharing more than once. And he had not been able to piece it all together? Not even a part of the puzzle? Every word that came out of his mouth only strengthened her decision. She was making the right choice.
"Because, this isn't what I want."
"What do you want?"
Her mother had asked him a bunch of whys and now it was his turn. He could not find answers on his own but perhaps she could guide the way for him. If he could figure out why she was so upset, he might learn why he needed to talk to her. They were connected by a bond. One answer might led to another one.
"I- " She wanted to say that she did not know but the problem was that she did know. She wanted him. Except, she did not want him the way she had him. She wanted him because he wanted all this, because she became a part of his life the same way he became a part of hers. She wanted his life to be much different if she was not in it. She wanted him to notice if she was gone.
But he never would.
"Because what I want - isn't possible."
"Why not?"
"Because, I want something that doesn't exist." She wanted a man she could never have, she wanted a life that could never be hers. As the realization filled her heart, it was impossible to overcome the emotions that overflowed inside of her and the tears began to spill as though they were never going to stop. She hiccuped through the tears and finally allowed herself to crumble to the ground. She became a puddle, a mess. She wanted to stop - she wanted to be stronger in front of him but all of it was impossible. The tears, the pressure of all that had happened collapsed on top of her and she was hopeless to stop it.
For a few moments, she was by herself on the ground.
The whole world was heavy and everything was darkness. And then, she suddenly felt something warm around her. It took her a moment to realize that the warmth that spread through her, were Sesshomaru's arms. He had joined her on the ground, his legs almost tangling with hers as he cupped her in his arms. She felt him move her around, her head touching his chest. She meant to push away, she did but it was not working well. Her hands were pressing against his pectorals as she tried to distance her body from his. This was what she was trying to avoid. She wanted distance between the two of them, she wanted to be far from him and she did not want to find comfort in his arms. She wanted to stand on her own. And yet, there she was. A crying mess.
"Let g-go," she managed to say between sobs. She weakly moved her arms around but it did not do much. He was much stronger than she was and he was not afraid to use it against her as long as it did not hurt her.
"No," he replied firmly.
She was shaking and trembling in his arms and all he could do was hold her steady. He could not remember how it happened. He saw her collapse very slowly, her tiny body folding upon itself, while the smell of tears filled his nose. Then, all he knew was that the next thing he did was hold her in his arms. He could not stop her from reaching the floor, but he did stop her head from banging the floor. Why was he holding her? Why was he fighting her when she was trying to run away from him? Why did he care so damn much what she did and want?
Why?
-R-
The tears eventually dried, but they never moved from the floor. The first to escape the world of dreams was Kagome. Her eyelashes were sticking together from her tears and she had to rub her eyes with her fists to even be able to open them. She cleared her throat, shifting in her current position. Why did her neck her so much? She turned her head to the left only to find herself face first into a shirt. Sesshomaru's shirt. She had cried herself to sleep on the floor - and in his arms. How did that happen? She tried to move away rapidly but she fought that his grip on her was too strong for her to fight it. Wait. He had not moved her. Sesshomaru would not simply stay on the floor. That had to mean that -
Kagome raised her head and saw what she expected. Sesshomaru's head was half resting on her while his eyes were closed and he was sleeping. He fell asleep while he was comforting her. He actually slept on the floor. Sesshomaru slept on the floor. For a moment, she was too flabbergasted to even fight his grip. Why did he do things like that? Why did he do things that made her heart face and her emotions melt into a puddle? It was not fair. She was trying to separate herself from him and he made that into an impossible task.
Delicately, Kagome wrapped her fingers around his wrist, hoping to move his arm away from around her waist. Unfortunately, that was the gesture that woke him out of his slumber.
He blinked once, then twice.
Suddenly the mass of black hair in front of him started to make sense and he slightly leaned backwards. "K-kagome." For the first time in his life he sounded startled.
"Thank you," she mumbled. As soon as she felt his hold on her loosened, she took advantage of the moment and hopped on her feet. Freedom at last. At least it was what she thought before her new weight at the front proved to not be easily handled. She was not used to shifting her weight which led her to lean backwards more than intended. Before she knew it, she was falling to the ground. Luckily for her, Sesshomaru was there to act as a personal mattress between her and the ground. He ended up sprawled across while she landed against his chest, his arms protectively wrapping around her, hoping to protect her from any impact that might happen.
A moment passed, and they both breathed.
"Are you well?" he asked, breathing against her hair.
She nodded against his chest, not wanting to talk. If she did, she might embarrassed herself even further. No matter what she did, she ended up in his arms. Why was life so cruel?
"The baby?"
He knew she would have said something right away if she had felt something happen to her stomach but he had to ask anyway. They had been followed by so much bad luck that he feared something might happen. And Kagome would never be able to handle it. As it was proven by the way she had crumbled down.
Although, he wondered if what spoke most was the fact that he not only stayed on the floor, but that he also fell asleep. This could not possibly be comfortable and yet he stayed. Lately, there were most questions than he had answers. Everything was a question and recent conversations made him question everything he did. Did he not do all of those things before? He had done strange things for her in the past and he never put that into question. Why now? What was so different that he had to ponder every single move? Could he not simply be what he was? Did he really have to do all this?
And why did it matter why he did certain things?
Again, she needed him. She always needed him.
"Can you let me go?"
The words came more as a plea than a demand. And for a second there, it did not feel like she was asking him to release her from his grasp. No, it felt like something much more deeper than that. But he was probably imagining it. Instead, he nodded and he let his arms loosen around her.
Once again, she went to her feet although she was much slower this time. She managed not to fall and leaned against the couch. "I should down."
It was not a fall per se but it was still a bit of shaking around. Considering what her condition was - it was probably safer if she laid down for a while. That way she would know if anything was wrong. So far she had no pain but she did not trust her body. It betrayed her every chance it had. And she refused to risk her child's safety.
He nodded as he hopped to his feet as well. "Let me help you," he proposed, fearing she might fall again.
"I don't need you - your help," she corrected when she caught herself yet again saying something she should not be saying.
"Why not?"
"What?"
"Why do you not require my help?" There was nothing wrong with his help. He was not belittling her, he was not being mean or putting her down. He was simply assuring her protection like it was in his instincts to do. She complained that he did not understand her but she did not seem to grasp everything that came with being a youkai and about the bond.
He was fighting it less than she was which was almost sending off alarms in his head.
They had not been close lately - at least not on purpose. And yet she rejected every advance he put her way. She rather keep distance between them.
"Very well," he said as he kept his distance.
He would stay go with her all the way to the bedroom but he would leave her the perimeter that she wanted. It was the only compromise he was able to do. He would not be able to not follow her.
Her eyes were on him as she began walking to the bedroom. At first she seemed pleased when he did not move but right after she turned her head, she heard his feet. He was following her. Annoyance spread through her but she held it back. She did not have the energy to have this conversation with him all over again. It lead nowhere because she did not understand him and he did not understand her. Also, she always ended up on top of him or in another situation where she seemed to be needing him. She did not need to constantly lose the upper hand.
"Where did you go?" she finally asked as she touched the door handle.
If he could be in her life, if he could ask her everything - why could she not do the same?
It was not jealousy, it was not - it was just a question.
"I went to see your mother."
Of all the answers he could have given her, of all the things he could have said, this was never one of them. A lot more questions spread through her mind and she wanted to ask them all. Unfortunately, she thought it might be a bad idea. And yet, as she wrapped her fingers around the handle, ready to twist it open, a million words came to her mind.
He did not want to tell her but he would not lie to her. He had hoped she would not ask and he figured she would not because she never asked anything about his life or his privacy. This was actually one of the rare times she asked and that was why he answered her. She could ask anything. He had nothing to hide. He was not a monster, he was not a liar. Everything he did in the open and he was always very forward with her. Although he had to admit, this was not his favorite topic of conversation. If she asked any more questions he would have to explain things he could not explain.
She was not going to ask. She was not. "Why?" And she did. Fuck.
Why did it bother her that he went to her mother? What in the world could someone like Sesshomaru have to do with her mother? Her mother could not be any more of his opposite. They were different people who led different kind of lives. She knew it could not be anything bad though because he respected her mother. What was it?
"I went to ask about you."
And once more, he had her heart swooning. Because who the heck said things like that? Who was so - so romantic - so touchy feeling without actually being that way? How could he say these kind of sentences but not put any emotion or feeling behind it? Sometimes it was like a robot was talking to her but it was saying everything she wanted to hear. Except, it made her dream of things she could not have.
"Why didn't you ask me?"
She should shut up and go into the bedroom. She had to rest - and she had to hm, she had to put distance between the two of them. It was the ultimate goal.
And yet she stayed because he was talking and she was so desperate for answers.
"I cannot."
"Why not?"
"Because I do not understand."
"What?" None of what he was saying made sense to her. For a second, it made no sense because it did not feel like the man in front of her was Sesshomaru.
"I do not understand and it is why I sought your mother's knowledge."
"Knowledge about what?"
One question after the other. Earlier she was doing her best to avoid him and now, she could not stop asking. And now he wondered, when would he stop telling? When would he hold back everything he wanted to say? Because what was the point of this conversation?
"You."
"You can't keep saying things like these." It came out much snappier than she intended but - it had been too much for her to handle. He had to stop pretending he was feeling something that he was not. He had to stop all that he was doing. She could not take it anymore. She was on the brink, ready to fall to the other side and she was holding on as best she could and he was making it a nearly impossible task.
"I'm sorry?"
She sighed. "You can't keep doing this. I told you. You have to stop acting like you care. You have to stop doing this. I'm not like you I have feelings. I'm a freaking human. How do you expect me to have sex with you, to have a child with you but to feel nothing?"
"You have always felt your emotions."
And he was not understanding her. She was right there, in front of him, speaking but the words were not making it through.
"That's not what I mean. It doesn't matter."
"It matters."
It was creating a lot of trouble between them which meant it mattered. She was saying that she could not do this over and over again. He could not either. He was fine with taking care of her and all, but he could not keep talking about this. He could not have this conversation over and over again if all they were going to do was have conversations that made her upset. He did not want her upset. It was neither good for her or for the baby.
"It doesn't because you don't understand."
"I am far from being intellectually challenged. If you explain, I do believe I have the mental capacity to understand."
Frustration. It was all that she could feel. "I didn't say you were an idiot. You might have the mental capacity to understand but you don't have the emotion capacity to wrap your mind around what I'm saying."
He wanted to argue although she did make a valid point. He had felt the most emotions in his life while being around her but - he could still comprehend if it was explained properly. That was the problem. All she was giving him was half thoughts. And he was supposed to piece it together? It did not feel fair to him that he was expected to solve all the riddles without having all the clues.
"I am new to emotions, but I can comprehend them."
She finally let go of the handle and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She tilted her body to the side, allowing her to lean against the door. "Then what am I feeling right now?"
"You are upset."
That did not take a genius to figure out. "You're going to have to do better."
"You are mad at me."
That was better - better than she expected. She thought he would simply say that she was mad. But at least he realized that she was rightfully directing her rage at him. Although, it was not his fault. She had accepted this situation just as much as him and she had known what she was getting into.
"What else?"
"You are sad."
It was there, glistening beneath the flares of rage. He was not saying it because she had cried and collapsed in his arms. He was saying it because it was a sadness he had seen her carry around. She never quite let go of it. Instead, it weighed her down and maybe it was that sadness that became all the rage she now felt. He did not know. He held some grudges - he was known for holding on against his little brother for a long time, but usually he let things slid off of him. And after that one grudge, he let go of all that. He did make up with Inuyasha in the end.
"Do you know why?"
"No."
It was an honest answer.
She was the one who could put an end to all of this. The only one who could make them move forward. They were stuck. "I have feelings for you."
And he did not speak and she could advantage of that to turn around, hiding her face away from him. "I like something that doesn't exist."
Yes, she had said that earlier.
He heard her open the door but he did not quite register it all. She had feelings for him. His first reflex was to say that it was natural, that the bond had brought them closer than they would have been without it, but he had a feeling that was not quite what she meant. He was aware that despite everything their relationship was not a real one and it was not conventional. It was not something they did out of love. Even the pregnancy was almost a transaction. But - but was that what she wanted? A real relationship? He had never considered that to be an option because he never wanted that.
He could enjoy her company without wanting to give her everything he was. He could appreciate having her around without needing to have her around.
But - he wanted to talk to her.
It was why he went to see her mother. He wanted to understand why he had this need to talk to her. Was that liking someone? No, he would know. He respected her and he held her in high regards but would his life be completely empty without her? He did not think so. He found it that he did not mind it when there was no silence but…
But no.
It was not something he was programmed to be.
He could not be what she wanted.
Now it made sense to him why she was so upset. She was upset because she had come to this conclusion a long time ago, except unlike him, she did not have the same hold on her feelings.
Does that mean he should be leaving her alone or should he be trying to have a calm discussion with her?
She had walked away from him…
He decided to follow her into the bedroom. He found her laying on the bed, on top of all the blankets, with her eyes locked on the ceiling. She sensed his presence despite how quiet he was being. "We don't need to talk about it." Actually, she would prefer it if they did not. She told him, she got it out in the open. It was done now. He knew why she was upset and he could expect some moodiness her and there.
"I cannot be what you need."
"I know."
He thought perhaps she had not yet gone through the logical steps of this whole ordeal. He had not noticed until now, which meant it had to be fairly recent. Perhaps it was the pregnancy hormones that were confusing her. Then again, he was fairly convinced that was something he should not be saying out loud.
Her temper was coming back - and it was stronger than ever.
Regardless of the words he had spoken, he made his way to the bed. She never moved, she never even looked at him. After a moment, he was by her side and he laid down quietly beside her. He should leave her alone; it was clearly what she wanted. Somehow, he found that he could not. Instead, he laid beside her and scooted over until his body was touching hers. He pressed his face into the side of her growing belly and a for a brief instant, she stiffened. After a second went by, she relaxed.
"What are you doing?" she asked breathlessly.
"I do not know."
He just - needed to do this.
-R-
- 29
- 30
- 31
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Red Lotus