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Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 30
- 31
- 32
A/N: If you wanna bother me on tumblr, I'm maddieson-san :)
Red Lotus
Chapter 31: The Proponent
The tension could easily be cut with a knife.
She had said word she could not take back and he had done things he could not take back.
Now it was a matter of either ignoring it or talking about. Since their little deal began she noticed that they were quite good at not talking about it and ignoring the problem in front of them.
The problem was that Kagome could not handle that anymore. There was no point in ignoring things that had been said, or pretending that nothing had happened. He might be able to, but she knew what she said and if she had to live with it, so did he. He was there, sitting on the couch with a newspaper open in front of him, his amber eyes traveling from word to word. Meanwhile, she was sitting by herself at the table, pushing her food around. It was not the emotions killing her appetite, it really was the pregnancy. Every morning, she waited to see what her baby did not like and every day she found out that it did not like much. Maybe it could feel all the stress she had been under lately and it was trying to send her a signal of distress.
If stress was not good for, it was not good for the baby.
Then again, if she wanted a conversation to happen, she had to be the one to start it. For that, she had to begin by getting his attention and she had a little idea on how to do that. She loudly dropped her fork to the ground, standing still while she waited for him to at least have the decency of lifting his eyes from his newspaper. And he did - but probably only because he thought she might have fallen or something else like that.
He always got out of conversation and she could no longer let it happen - especially not after what he had done. He could not say one thing and then do the exact opposite. It was weighing her down, it was taking whatever energy she had left and it was enough. He had pushed her around enough. It was time for the tables to turn.
"Are you okay?" he inquired as he folded his newspaper in two. He could tell that she was completely livid, angry seeping through her pores. He had a feeling it was probably directed towards him since her latest emotions had all been but - he did not dare to ask. She was quick to jump to reactions lately and he would avoid as many outburst as possible.
"No, I'm not."
He frowned. "Did you hurt yourself?" He heard her fork falling but he did not think that she actually hurt herself. He was mostly asking out of politeness. A slight rise of concern reared its head and he put the newspaper down on the wooden coffee table before rising to his feet. He rapidly scanned her whole body with brief glances but he saw nothing.
"Sesshomaru, I already told you." This time her tone had shifted and the annoyance was clear. At this point, she could find a certain aggravation growing inside of her; it was like she was talking to a wall. She could not keep on having the same conversation with him over and over again with no changes. It was as though he had never registered a single thing she had said to him. "I - we have to figure it out."
"I was under the impression that we had."
She blinked once - and then twice… to make sure she had properly understood him. Her lips popped and she felt the tiny vein on the side of her head was trembling. He had to be kidding her. "Sesshomaru - you said and I quote, I don't know." She threw her arms in the air, exasperation taking hold of her body as she looked at the confused man that stood in front of her. "I don't know, is not an answer. I don't know, doesn't solve anything." She felt like she had a quick trigger lately - and he ended up mostly responsible of everything that made her mad.
It was not as though she wished to be mad all the time. It was not like she enjoyed having all these conversations with him. But they were a necessity - they were how she kept what was left of her sanity intact.
"We discussed your feelings. I explain that I could not be what you are seeking."
But she was not asking him to be. Well, in a way she was. She was asking him if he could feel for her, the same way she felt for him. She knew he was not one to have feelings but he experienced a lot more than he ever had before. That had to mean something. There was a shifting. She knew he could not be the perfect loving husband - not even the attentive boyfriend. But he had never been those things and it had not stopped her from developing feelings for him. He promised to be by her side, no matter what - unless she no longer wanted him. Now she was saying she actually wanted him by her side, and not because of some obligation or debts, and he was turning away from her.
Was she really asking more than he was already giving?
Was she not giving him the child he had asked for?
Asking for a child was fine, it was an appropriate thing to do. But what she was asking for was absolutely insane and he could not agree to it?
She did not always quite understand where he drew the line between acceptable and unacceptable.
"You're different with me."
"I respect you."
"You do more than respect me." She respected a lot of people and yet they did not have a relationship like Sesshomaru and her did.
"You are my wife and you are my mate. It is different."
"It's not different. When it's only you and me you don't have to treat me differently. Nobody is here to see."
"We are connected."
"Yes, the bond, bla-bla-bla."
She could not explain it; the rage that was ever growing inside of her. He had light up a fire within her during their argument at the park and ever since then she had not been able to calm herself down. Each day it became worse, each day she was more wary and - and it was killing her from the inside. She was tired of the constant back and forth and she needed more than what he was saying to her. She had felt it. There had to be more to him than he was letting on. Perhaps he simply did not know about it. Maybe - maybe he could not put together the feelings inside of him.
Or maybe she was telling herself a nice storybook story and and - nothing would ever come of it. But she had to know. The fact that he never knew anything did not help her understand him.
"But - you - you don't even know why you touch me." Sesshomaru used to have expressions that indicated his annoyance or his rage. She had seen them on his face the first time Inuyasha and him had fought. It was a look - the one he gave to everyone he thought was beneath him. She had not seen anything like that when he trailed a hand over her body or when he pressed his lips to hers. It was something else than shone in his glacial eyes. The problem was - because he did not know what it was, she did not know either. And it frustrated her and it killed her.
"I do not."
He felt like they were going in circles. They were constantly having the same conversation but the ending always ended up being the same. There were no changes. What did she wish for him to say? He could not say he could love her. He did not know. In all honesty, he would think that was not possible - but the bond had modified his way of thinking and feeling. He did not know. He, however, would not speak words of it unless he knew and he did not. Did he want to love her? It would stop all the screaming and the annoyance, but he did not know if he wanted to love her. From what he gathered, love was messy. Love was only pain. Did she not suffer right now because of her feelings? Would she not be happier if he had none? He was sure she would.
"Do you like the pain?"
"What?" Pain - was he even paying attention to her and to what she was saying?
"You have feelings and now they bring you pain. Do you like pain?"
Pain was something she had grown quite familiar with during her days of cancer and her years of treatment. For a time, it had been her friend. She had found comfort in it and she had tried to use it explain everything that had happened to her. Then, she had used it as a way to cope with everything she felt. If she could still feel the pain, if she could still hurt, then did that not mean that she was alive? She wanted to hold on back then - or did she? So pain helped her do that. Then they told her that there was no miracle cure for her. They told her that all she could do was await death and basically hope it would not be painful. But she had wanted it to be painful, she had wanted to suffer and to feel every inch of pain.
Because pain was life.
And now pain was not life and someone forgot to tell her brain that.
Because no matter what she did, she found herself in a situation of pain. She was finally able to put her foot down but suffering surrounded her regardless of it all.
"I don't," she finally settled on.
Not anymore.
It was heavy, it was dark and she had to get rid of it. She had to chose a pain free life to live - especially for the sake of the life growing inside of her. She had to be better than she had been.
"Then it would be better for you if you felt nothing for me, no?" Sometimes, she was too human. Sometimes, she lacked the option of being logical about situations. He did not have that problem.
She scoffed. "Because it's that easy," she snapped out. "Do you think this is how it works? Do you think I have a switch?" She frowned. "You can't un-feel." Exasperation throbbed through her and she felt tears of rage stinging at her eyes. It did not matter how she tried to approach this situation, it did not matter which way she presented it; he did not understand a word she was saying. "If I could not feel anything for you, I would."
It was harsh, it was cold - but it was the truth. If she had any control at all over her emotions, she would not have put herself in this impossible situation. She did not need the pain dragging her down, she did not need the constant torture ripping her heart apart. She wanted freedom and solace from all the darkness that had wrapped itself in her life over the years. And one day, somehow, she would find it.
But he was not the answer.
He was another punishment.
"I have to go," she finally whispered.
It took him a moment to register the words she had spoken. He remained stunt by her previous statement; if she could, she would not have feelings for him. It had taken him a bit to arrive to this conclusion and he proposed it as though it was the answer. She had considered it. She had sat down and thought about not feeling anything for him. It should not be a thought that disturbed him or even affected him in the first place but it did something. It was like, something he could not quite shake off but he did not understand it completely. Once that feeling wore off, he was struck by her second sentence; she had to leave? This was her home, there was nowhere else for her to be but here.
"Go where?" were the only words he managed to form.
"I'm - I'm gonna go spend a few days at the shrine." God, it sounded like something people said before a divorce. Except, they would probably never divorce - because of the child and the complicated situation they found themselves in. But she did know that she needed a moment when he was not there. Yes, he did work but it was not enough. She needed a safe space around her - one where he was not confusing her constantly by acting differently than what he was saying he would do. She needed a clear perspective. And if he talked to her mother than she sure as hell could do the same. While getting some information out of her. If she ever felt like sharing.
He should stop her. He should tell her it was wrong and he needed to be there in case she needed help. Although, he could not say it - because her mother was more than qualified to take care of her. She would not let anything happen to her and she had raised more than one child. She could do this. And yet, he wanted to say it. He also wanted to tell her to stay because this was where she lived - but it did not feel like a compelling argument.
So, he resigned himself. "Very well." That did not sound right either. "I will drive you."
There was something inside of him throbbing, something demanding more and it irked him. Confusion was not his favorite thing. He had not live this long to be baffled by common interactions and yet he was.
She baffled him.
She made him be baffled by himself.
Nothing made sense.
-R-
"We could talk about it."
They could. But she was too angry to even think about what to say.
Her mother had been quite surprised to see her show up like she had and Kagome had taken time to even explain. Actually, she had waited for Sesshomaru to leave the shrine and return to the apartment. He had dragged his feet the whole way. She had appeared to be nothing but an annoyance in his life lately. Was he not glad that for a few days she would not be screaming in his ears, forcing him to admit to things he was not even feeling the first place? God she was an idiot. She had feelings for someone before - and yet now, it was like she did not know how to handle it.
Her relationship with Inuyasha had not really been more glorious. He had been in love with someone else and she had still willingly fell for him. Alright, at first she had not chosen to do that, but it came by itself after a while and then resigned herself. Maybe she had a thing for relationship that were doomed. Then again, Inuyasha was the one who brought Sesshomaru to her. He had loved her in his way, despite his feelings for Kikyo. Enough to ask his brother to save her if she needed it. Enough to let someone he used to hate lend her a hand. And now she was alive because of Sesshomaru but also because of Inuyasha.
Now actually, she had strong feelings for Sesshomaru.
"I tried to talk to him, it didn't work," she finally admitted as she buried her face in the closest pillow.
Her mother joined her in the living room, putting two steaming cups of tea down on the coffee table. She had not missed Sesshomaru's uncomfortable expression when he had dropped off Kagome - he probably did not think he would return for a while. She was still recovering from their conversation - one she never thought they would have. She also had not missed the pain in his eyes as he watched Kagome walk away. From the looks of it, there had not been a fight regarding if she could leave or not but it did not mean there was no fight raging inside of him. He looked even more confused than when he came over asking for her help.
She did not think that was a good thing.
"Why didn't it work?"
Kagome offered her mother a shrug of the shoulders. "I don't think it's something he can understand."
"What isn't something he can understand?" Sesshomaru could not be that articulate when it came to feelings but Kagome could be. Miyu would try to help her lay it out. Maybe the complete picture would be a little easier to understand.
"Love."
She was not even asking him to love her. She had only been asking him to understand that someone could possibly feel that way and that it was hard to have any control over love. Nobody chose love. You could not force love. She did not even know if what she felt was love or if it could be something that could become love. She knew she cared deeply, she knew she wanted his attentions, his time and she missed some of the moments they had together. Was that all the same?
"What is love for you?"
"W-what?"
Having a conversation with her daughter was slightly easier to lead than a conversation with Sesshomaru. "When you think of love, what do you think of?"
"I- I don't know. Long intimate conversations, candlelight dinners, stolen kisses…I don't know. The things from movies?" She could not put into the words the way she felt. She just knew that love was something you felt deep in your chest and no matter how hard you ignore it, it would not go away.
"So you don't know?" Miyu clarified, a smile on her face. "You just feel it."
Kagome nodded.
"So how is Sesshomaru supposed to know what it feels like?"
She opened her mouth and then she closed it. And then she opened it again - but nothing. "He might not feel but -"
"But it doesn't mean he knows what he's looking for." He had looked confused when she had given him a little interrogation - as though he knew she was looking for something but he did not know what it was. She asked him question after question but he rarely had the answer. Actually, he did have the answers - he simply did not know that he had them. She had hoped that perhaps, it would have woken something inside of him and that Kagome and him would be able to talk but now she could see that she was awfully wrong.
Then again, maybe a big blow over was what they needed. Only big events were bringing the two of them together.
She knew there were a few things her daughter did not tell her but she was a mother and a mother always knew no matter what.
Kagome ended up bitting her bottom lip. Sesshomaru was so sure that he could not be what she wanted - and she was so sure that he could not love her back. He understood love did he not? He experienced new things while being around her and he always learned from it. If he felt something that could be love would he not question it? And he had loved Rin. He might not have said it but she knew he had loved that little girl like she had been his own. And Inuyasha. He had to have felt something for Inuyasha to agree to this obligation. But - but they all had one thing in common; they were a family love. It was not the same thing as love-love. The feelings she had for her mother had nothing to do with the ones she felt for him.
And then- and then came the confusion.
"He's confused?" she finally dared to ask.
"I think he is," Miyu replied as she took a sip of her tea. "I don't think Sesshomaru knows what to look for. I don't think he knows what you're looking for."
"He talked to you."
Her smile grew as she put her cup of tea back down. "I mostly talked. I don't think he knew what he wanted out of the conversation." He thought he was coming to help lessen his fighting with Kagome, to figure out why she was so upset. But really, she knew he came to figure out why it made him so upset that she was upset. It was alright. He needed time and guidance - everything in baby steps.
"But what if he can't get there?"
What if she invested herself in something that would blow in her face?
It simply did not seem to be worth the risk. Maybe everything he could actually feel was a result of the bond and he could never actually go beyond that by himself - then she would end up hurt in the end regardless. She could not possibly consider venturing down that road unless there was a bit of certainty to it. Soon enough, it would not only be her anymore and she could not impose that kind of heartbreak on a child. She needed her relationship with Sesshomaru to be as peaceful as possible so that they could raise their child in a good environment. It was even the reason she chose to come spend a few days with her mother; to calm down, to get a new perspective.
"But what if he does?"
Her daughter's road had been a difficult one and things had not always gone the way she had hoped they would. Regardless, Miyu was not around them all the time and she could see the small differences. She could see how they had both changed. Kagome was getting her feistiness back and she was no longer letting life happen to her. For once, she wanted some time of control over what was happening to her. Of course, it was not always good - like right now - but at least she was slowly getting herself back. Something Miyu thought she would never see again. For Sesshomaru well, the first time she had met him he had seemed kind of robotic. He had been doing things on automatic for so long, she did not think he put a single thought into what he was doing.
And now nothing in his life followed the routine he had outline for himself. Instead, Kagome was turning his life upside down and he had to learn to adapt, change and transform. Something he was clearly not very good at - and something he had never mastered in his life before.
But - but it was good for the both of them. They balanced each other out.
"But what if he doesn't?" Kagome repeated again.
"Then you get hurt."
"I don't wanna get hurt." She could not do it - she did not know if she could come back from it. She could not let herself dwell deeper into her feelings while there was a chance that it might all be for nothing. She was finally finding some stability and she was finally beginning to feel like herself. If she were to sacrifice all that she had gain on the off chance that he might return her feelings some day…
Plus who said she could wait that long for him?
She did not think she could.
"Maybe he just needs help. Maybe he's hurting as well."
"I don't think Sesshomaru is torturing himself over me," she said with sarcasm. He did look after her with great care and he was dotting on all of her needs. But he would not make himself sick over her.
"Then why did he come to me?"
"What?"
"If it did not bother him to feel that way, then why did he come to me?" She offered her daughter a shrug. "I mean, it was bothering him. I'm sure it was very difficult for him to realize he needed help." He seemed like the type to handle everything on his own. And if she remembered correctly from what Kagome had told her while she was traveling through the well, his father had died when he was still young. He had to take care of himself by himself. "And then, on top of that, he came to me and actually ask for help."
He did - and she was surprised by it but - but maybe he went under other reasons and one thing led to another and they ended up having a discussion he had not planned?
"Sesshomaru is not like you. He will stay in control of himself and he won't know what he is looking for." Her daughter would not be pleased with what she had to say but - it was the truth. "Unless you want to help him get there, he won't get there. It depends how much you want this."
She thought he was the key to it all - that if she could see or prove that he either wanted it or did not want it… But now her mother was saying she had to sacrifice all of her feelings in the hope that she might guide him to the answer, no matter what it was?
"You have to pay attention to the little things, you have to give him time."
She was not good at that. Back then, she had promised herself it was okay that Inuyasha wanted Kikyo. She chose to love him regardless of what he wanted and whom he wanted to spend his life with - and yet, from time to time, she would lose her temper anyway. Her rage would get the best of her and Inuyasha would get the sitting of a life time. Really, it had been somewhat her fault; she knew he had feelings for someone else. Now, she was supposed to have more control over her emotions. Then again, she was older now, she had more experience… and her emotions were out of whack.
"I don't know if I can." And by that she meant that she did not know fi she wanted to do it.
She had given this so many chances and she had tried over and over again. If she could not talk to him about it, if he could not understand when she tried to lay it all…How could she guide him in the right direction? She could not. Maybe her mother was right, maybe she did not know how Sesshomaru functioned. Maybe they were too incompatible and - and they clashed.
Did she truly want to do what her mother suggested?
Could she find a way to help him without losing herself and her sanity? Had she truly been looking at it all wrong?
-R-
"Thank you," Kagome said with a smile as she handed the driver his money.
She had not called Sesshomaru to pick her up - she had decided that it was best if she returned on her own. He had not contacted her since she had left and part of her was not surprised. After all, why would he? He was not one to push himself where he was not wanted. But she would be lying if she said that she would not have liked it if he had contacted her - or even her mother. Simply to make sure that her and the baby were good. But her mother had said it - Sesshomaru was not like her and he did not think like her. Maybe it was worth looking into all the little hints.
She had hoped to take the time away to figure it all out but even after three days, she was no closer to knowing what she wanted. Both solutions seemed impossible at the moment. She sighed heavily as she struggled to carry herself upstairs. Good thing she still had things at her mother and she basically had nothing to carry upstairs with her; she was not sure she would have made it.
Kagome knew by now that Sesshomaru was aware of her return. He could sense her from quite far away, and she wondered if he was going to show up at the top of the stairs. Of course, once she reached that spot, she was not surprised that he was not there. She did however need a second. She leaned into the wall, and took a big breather. Great, when would she ever get some sort of health back? Before, it was her cancer and now it was the pregnancy. It took a few more minutes but she finally made it to the door. If he knew indeed that she was coming and he was preparing for her return, she would not need her key; he would have unlocked the door for her. It was time to test that theory. She wrapped her fingers around the handle, and almost surprisingly, it turned.
He had unlocked it for her.
Or he had never locked it - because if she was not there he had no reason to do it.
God this was too confusing, this was exactly why she did not want to do this. She did not have the energy to put herself through all this. She opened the door and she walked in to find Sesshomaru sitting on the couch. He was sitting there like a beautiful statue, his fingers intertwined, his hands resting on his thighs. He might have been waiting then. She licked her dry lips and silently closed the door behind her. She leaned against it before letting her eyes trail over him. It took him a few seconds, but he ended up lifting his gaze and meeting her eyes.
"Hello."
"Hey."
He did not know what to say to her. She had left when she had wanted to and now she was returning. He did not know if she obtained what she wanted from her little trip away and he was not going to ask. He feared that might bring back a conversation that he was not certain he wanted to have again. The least he said the better it was. He would be lying though if he said he did not notice her lack of presence in the apartment. Which was completely insane because he had lived by himself longer than he had lived with her. That meant that he should be more at ease by himself than he was when she was around. Then why was it the other way around? How could she have made such an impact on his life in such a little amount of time?
He should have slept, gone to work and repeated that routine forever. As he had forever.
And he had not.
He had not slept. Then again, he did not sleep much until she came into his life. He barely ate as well. She had changed up those routines for him and now - he did both regularly. He did not know if it was because she did it, or because their link made him want to do it. The line was too blurry for him to know the distinction between the two.
It did not matter.
All he knew was that he had not slept since she left.
And why was that strange?
"How is your mother?"
"She's good," she answered as she finally peeled herself from the door. "How are you?"
"Fine."
"That's good."
He should leave the conversation at that. He should also probably simply let her settle back in without much conversation and distraction. Plus, even he could sense the awkwardness that was filling the room. Pushing her into a conversation she did not want to have was not a good idea.
But there was something - one thing - he felt the urge to say. "It was empty."
"What?"
"The apartment was empty." And then, he rose to his feet. "I will make you some food."
She watched him walk away with an eyebrow arched. Had he just said that the apartment was empty without her? That her absence was noticed? Perhaps she had been wrong and her mother had been right.
Sesshomaru was expressing himself differently than her.
Maybe there was a hint of hope.
-R-
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Red Lotus