Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Red Lotus	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 20070 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 7
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 31
- 32
- 33
A/N: Sorry guys! I was away for the weekend :)
Red Lotus
Chapter 32: The Procuress
There was a new fear in him. A fear of the emptiness. He did not use to have it but it appeared in his life when she left him for a few days. Loneliness was all he knew until she came along and ruined it. Now, he had this constant fear that she might leave again. It was not healthy; it was a ping in the pit of his stomach. It was a constant fear that he might turn around and she would disappear. He did not like living in the uncertainty. It was not something he enjoyed. He was sure of himself and of what was his and now suddenly, she made him feel like he had something to lose. He did not enjoy it and he did not want this feeling and yet it was there.
Sometimes, she was sitting, eating, and he would turn around to confirm her presence.
The little stolen glances were not something that went unnoticed by her. She took mention of every time he turned around. At first it had been slightly unsettling but after a while, she had dismissed them. It was perhaps part of the little things her mother told her she should look out for in his attitude. And Miyu had not been wrong. She had noticed things she had not noticed before. He always made sure she ate, he always asked about her sleep and whenever he could, he would steal glances her way. It was not big things, it was not something she would associated with love or even with feelings but perhaps her mother's words were true; he did not express himself the way she did. And why would he? They were completely different people and they had led different lives. Despite the up and downs in hers, she had always been surrounded by love. She knew what it felt like and she knew how to show it to others.
He had a lonely life void of any love - except for Rin.
How was he supposed to know?
She did not want this, she did not want to throw herself into another heartache and yet she was doing it. Maybe it was for the life growing inside of her, she did not know but she knew she had to give it one last shot. If she did not try to see if her mother was right, it would haunt her forever. The only way to know for sure was to try it. One last time. She would risk her heart and her sanity for the last time. If she found no trace of hope, she would let it go forever. At some point, she would have to resign herself. This was her putting everything she had at risk for them. If he could love her but he did not know how, she would show him. If he could not love her, she would move on from him and from everything they were.
"Would you like more food?"
She shook her head. "If I eat more, I'll throw up." She glanced up at the clock that stood right above the microwave. "Don't you work?"
It was his turn to shake his head. "I requested a day off." It was something he never did and with the sick wife and the baby on the way, his boss happily granted it to him. Apparently having all those things made him appear more humans to the others and now, they were trying to chitchat him more than before. He was not quite sure he was a big fan of that change. He liked it when he was left alone. He liked it when they acted as though he was not present. But he could not have everything.
"A day off, why?" Sesshomaru did not particularly enjoy relaxing. There had to be a very good reason for him to even want to take a day off. Did he have something to do? He had not shared that with her.
"You have recently returned, and I believed we could use this time to begin preparation for the child."
The truth was, when he left from work, he never knew if he would return to an empty apartment. It unsettled him. He would crisp and strangely walk up the stairs every time. He expected her to be gone when he would open the door and he disliked it. Now, he was staying. Perhaps a day off, a day of seeing she was indeed here would put his silly fears at rest for good. It was all he needed. A break from himself.
He wanted to take the day to prepare for the child? They still had ways to go. Her stomach had grown and she was advancing further along but - unless this pregnancy was quicker? Agh. She did not know. But it was strange for him to bring it up. And had he just mentioned that she had recently returned? Her return was more than recent. Was he still - he had mentioned the empty apartment thing but she thought he had moved on from that a long time ago. Then again, should she really question him? He was expressing himself and he was trying to involve himself in both her life and the life of their child. The least she could do was welcome his enthusiasm and go along with it.
"Sure, why not."
She could walk more than before and soon enough, she would have her other appointment. She would be able to tell more about the child and about her own health. Perhaps it was time they indulged a little. Everything had been messy and everything had been scary. Was there really something wrong with release the stress and actually enjoying the fact that despite the fact that she should be dead, she was pregnant?
If she wanted to give him and them a chance, this was the way to go about it.
She needed to let go.
-R-
"A girl."
"Excuse me?"
"You see here?" said the doctor as he pointed to the screen. "You're having a girl." He moved the ultrasound machine around a bit, a frown on his face. "You're a bit further along than I had thought."
Or the baby was growing faster than a human baby.
While Kagome was processing the information rather well, Sesshomaru was the one who was stunned. He never expected to have a girl. He knew it was quite plausible that he would have one but for some reason he simply assumed the child would be male. He watched the screen but despite the doctor's words, the image made no sense to him. It was a blob - it was not anything. He could distinguish a head but for the rest - it was a girl.
"Would you like a picture?"
"Yes, please."
"I'll be right back with it."
She wanted a picture, a newer one. The old one basically did not have a shape. She wanted something to show her growing girl. She had not come in with the highest spirits; she had expected more bad news but this was good, this she could deal with - she was having a healthy baby girl. Although, her pregnancy was advancing much faster than she had anticipated. But she had been warned. This was not a normal pregnancy after all. It did bring some problems forth; appointments at the doctor would be more difficult to schedule. What if they noticed that something was off about the child? Maybe it would have puppy ears like Inuyasha - and what about the fast growth? Now it was just him thinking he made a mistake but - it could become more dangerous.
"We can't go to the doctor anymore," she finally said ou tloud, taking advantage of their brief moment of privacy.
"You are right." He could somewhat process her words but his brain was elsewhere. A new reality had been put upon him and he did not know how to deal with it. He already was not familiar on how to deal with Kagome and now he would have to deal with another woman. He had said he wanted an heir and a female was an heir but - but he expected a boy. He was not disappointed. He would raise and take care of the child. Plus, he could not ask her to have another. They had already made the exchange of a life for a life. And this life was plenty. He had raised a girl before no? He had raised Rin. Although it had been a much different time and he had been a much different person. He probably would never do things that way again.
"This will be the last time."
She nodded.
It worried her though. What if something was wrong with her again? What if something happened with her placenta? Maybe she needed a backup option, something older but that could offer a bit more privacy. Perhaps they could look into a midwife. It would already re-assure her. Then again, it left them with the same problem; what if the baby had youkai traits? They could not get anyone involved.
"Here you go," said the doctor as he opened the door and waltzed back in.
Kagome put her best smile on as she took the picture from him.
"Everything else seems normal. I would still be careful since you're not out of danger, but I don't think you should worry so much."
"Great, thank you doctor." This time, it was Sesshomaru hurrying her out.
He helped her off and then, grabbed her clothes for her. In a matter of minutes, they were walking out of the hospital with her holding his arms and he helped her. She did not necessarily need the help, but she did not want to refuse it when he offered it. She did not know what was a kind gesture and what was a demonstration of his caring. So, she took all gestures and treated them equally. Once they were in the car, their seatbelts on, she let herself relax. Now that there were no longer any prying ears, they could finally have an honest and important conversation.
"I can't give birth by myself."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't go to the hospital, we've already agreed to that."
"Correct."
"But I can't do it by myself. What if something goes wrong?"
"There are midwives."
"And if she comes out with puppy ears?"
How had he not thought of that? Inuyasha had them. Although all hanyous were different. There was not a pattern that they followed - it was randomness from the mixing of two species. There was no telling what their child might look like. She appeared normal at the moment or the doctor would have mentioned it. Perhaps she would have human ears? After all, Kagome was not just an ordinary human. She was a miko. It had a lot of implications. It would also affect their child. Perhaps their child could not even have youkai in it. He did not know what his daughter would be.
Daughter.
Saying that gave him another feeling.
"I suppose midwives are out of the question, then."
She had one idea left. Half of it was sane and half of it was insane. "Maybe - maybe you and my mother could help."
"Excuse me?"
"You know more about youkais, she know more about humans." Her mother might be able to do it alone but it might be better if Sesshomaru acquired some knowledge about it as well. In case of an emergency, he could truly help. Life was cruel with her and now it had given her a child - a daughter. She was attached and she was scared that life was going to screw her over and take her away from her. She needed to prepare for every scenario possible. And that included asking Sesshomaru to sort of play midwife. It was his kid too after all; why should he not play a part in her birthing?
She wanted him to help her with the birth. He could not possibly do that. He did not even know how to do. He knew the basics about pregnancy and he never cared to learn anymore than that. Then again, he never thought he would be having a child, not after the world transformed so much. But - he did not think he could help her bring their child into the world. He was convinced her mother was an excellent choice for the task at hand but he on the other hand was complete mistake.
"I do not believe I am the right choice for this."
"But I need you."
She could not have all the answers and she could not fix all of their problems by herself. Honestly, with her raging hormones, she felt like snapping at him but she held herself back. She would give him one chance to come to his senses by himself. She was politely asking him to be involved in the birth of their child. The least he could was accept what she was proposing. She was not asking him to shove his hands up her vagina and to pull him out. She was asking him to inform himself so that he could be ready in case she needed his assistance. There was no problem in asking that. She was not asking too much of him.
He did not like that word.
He did not like that she said she needed him.
Now he had this feeling that if he could not be what she needed. She would leave.
He did not want the emptiness again.
"Very well."
And then, he gripped the wheel of the car just a little tighter. What was he turning into? He was not a fearful person. He had lived before her and he would live after her.
But he also wanted to live while she was there.
-R-
Pink.
Somehow she did not picture Sesshomaru as being the biggest fan of the color pink. She did not really care what color their daughter was going to wear honestly. It hardly bothered her what other people would think. She had a new view on opinions now and she knew she had to let go of what others thought. It no longer concerned her. She had let them ruin her life for too long. She wanted her daughter to be free of that pain, free of the judgement of others. Then again, if she was anything like her father, she would not care what others thought and she might end up thinking she was superior. The thought of it made her laugh.
It was strange to think of her as a she now. It was all becoming so real. All she was missing was a name. Finding a name that both her and Sesshomaru liked could either be the easiest task in the world or the hardest thing there was. There would be no middle ground.
Ever since her little out burst and her time away at her mother's, they had never spoken about what she had said to him. He had never asked her about her feelings and she had not brought them back up. It was not like she wanted the conversation to remain unfinished. She wanted to get to the bottom of it but they could not talk about it. They had nothing to say about it. If Sesshomaru was not yet aware that he had feelings, then he could not speak about them. She had to get him to a place where he knew he had them. It was the only way they could calmly discuss about it. If she brought it up again they would fight and honestly she did not have the energy to do so.
The only problem left was that she did not know how to get him there. How was she supposed to show him that he had feelings? How was she supposed to guide him when they were both blinds?
She let a sigh cross her lips as she finished folding a tiny yellow pyjamas. When she had told her mother the sex of the baby, she had come rushing with tons of boxes. She had kept a lot of hers and Souta's baby stuff. And it became quite useful. They had money but she rather save it for something more important than baby clothes that would barely be worn. Instead, they could put it away for school or other important things.
"Do you require any assistance?"
She had not been in the room for long, maybe an hour or two, but as per usual, he was there. He never left her alone for more than a few hours. Was it because he wanted to be near or because he felt the constant need to check up on her? She could not tell.
"I'm almost done, but you can help."
He offered her a nod before joining her into the room. It had the basic necessities and most of them had come from Kagome's mother. He had not mind put money on new things like a new crib, but Kagome had insisted that the old stuff was like new. He had not felt like arguing, especially since it had been a while since she had raised her voice during a conversation. Money was probably going to be a little tighter with a third mouth to feed and he was not against the idea of saving some money. He grabbed some clothes from the box and began imitating her and folding away.
"Are you upset?"
"Upset?"
"That it's a girl."
They never really talked about it. She did not have a problem with the baby being a girl and he had never shared any concerns but - Sesshomaru was not one to share his emotions easily.
He offered her a small shrug. "I expected a boy," he replied honestly. However, he did not want her to think he was displeased with the outcome. It might bring about another argument and he was rather enjoying the lack of screaming. "A girl is just as acceptable."
She wondered if it would bring back memories of Rin. Although that was one question she did not dare to ask.
"I'm happy." She would have been happy either way, so it was not saying much that she was pleased with the outcome. A long time ago, she might have considered a big family but now she did not know. It was a touchy subject considering she did not know what the future held for her and Sesshomaru. What if it did not pan out? She could not bring another child into this. But if it did work? All he had asked her for was one child, nothing else. She did not even know if he really wanted a child or he simply wanted an heir. Perhaps he did not wish for a house filled with children. Plus, where in the world would they put more children? It was not like she was any closer to getting a job…
Although, maybe talking about it could provide her with answers.
"We could always have a boy."
He raised an eyebrow. "I believe the doctor was convinced it was a girl."
She did not mean it that literally. He was really going to make her clarify herself. Anything to embarrass her further - but she was willing to take the risk. "I mean, after her. Maybe we'll have more." There she said it. She was dying to close her eyes in the hope of not seeing his reaction. However, the best she could do was to not look in his direction. She did not want to know if he was upset, or happy or neutral about the whole thing.
"You want more children?" He sounded more surprised than he intended. The thought had crossed his mind but he had not thought about asking her. He thought that demanding one child out of her was enough. He had not been a big family man and he had been quite old when Inuyasha was born. They were not raised as siblings and - he did not yearn for a big family. It did not mean he would be against it. He could have more children with Kagome. Although that was more work, more hours and more money. One day she would work - and she would live a long life…
But - but he did not know.
Because not too long ago, she was upset at him. She was upset because she had feelings for him and she did not feel like he was returning them. That situation had not changed. He still did not know if that was someone he could be. He had missed her when she was gone. He feared she might leave again. Was that a feeling that indicated that he cared for her? Did he cared for her beyond what the bond made him feel? He knew Miyu had asked him similar questions but he did not know if he wanted to dwell on it. There were indeed things he wanted but he could not figure out a logical explanation as to why he wanted them. Was that caring?
"Well - I mean, I just mean. Maybe." She looked away. "If we keep having - well you know. It might happen." She was not sure she liked his response. It was not exactly what she had been expecting. Then again, not that long ago they had a fight and she nearly blew his head off. It was quite normal that such a conversation was surprising him. She herself even thought she might end it all.
"It would be an acceptable idea."
She blinked - had he just agreed to more children? "Really?" This time she was forced to turn her head to look at him. Even he could probably see the shock on her features.
He offered her a small shrug. "I do not see how it would be a problem."
Maybe her mother had been right; maybe she needed more open conversations with him. If she had not pushed it, she might have thought it ended badly. It turned out completely differently. There were a lot of things they needed to talk about it seemed. Perhaps it would be possible for them to find more things in common than she originally thought. Sesshomaru might want more out of them then even he realized. It sent her heart racing but she reminded herself not to get her hopes up.
"Okay then," she finally said as she straightened her back and leaned back into her chair.
They had a conversation, they agreed on something and they were moving on from it. It was a new feeling but it was quite pleasant.
"Are these all the clothing items your mother has given us?"
She nodded. "She wanted to give us more but I told her the apartment might explode if we bring anything him."
He offered her a small smirk. It had gotten crowded ever since her mother had learned the news. "She is happy for us." He was not used to having an involved mother in his life and it was a rather new feeling. However, he did not mind it since she would be a great grandmother to his child. He did have to get used to having someone else around. She would come and probably help Kagome once the baby would be here. She would be another presence he would have to grow accustomed to - then again, he had already shared with her. Perhaps he would not have to adjust himself to her presence.
"Yea, Souta is pretty thrilled about it too." Her grandfather was not - but she knew he was just putting on a facade. Inuyasha had gotten him quite use to youkais and now he was just pretending that they upset him. Souta was - well, he was excited about the ears. Although she warned him it might not happen. She did not want him to draw too many comparisons with Inuyasha; she figured it might not be something Sesshomaru would enjoy. She knew that his relationship with Inuyasha was better than before but she did not want to assume anything.
Right. Her brother. He had barely ever since him that he forgot he existed. It was not like he had been close to his own brother. She seemed close to hers. He hoped that if they did have more than one child, they would have a better relationship than he had with Inuyasha. Then again, that was not hard to accomplish. It had been a mess between them. Different time, different situation.
"Siblings are important."
Coming from him, it meant a lot.
Perhaps her perspective of him was slightly off. Maybe she was holding on to the past too much.
Only time would tell.
-R-
Pain.
Or was it pain?
She did not know.
She sat up straight in the bed while her heart began to race. She kept telling herself to calm down but she could not. Instead, she crisped the sheets around her, feeling the sweat beads that were dripping down the length of her back. What was this? It was something in her stomach, something that was powerful enough to wake her from her slumber. She licked her dry lips and turned her head to look at Sesshomaru. She had expected to find him asleep but instead, his amber eyes were shining in the darkness of the room.
The moment she had stirred, he had awoken. There was no reason for it, it was simply a ping in his chest that had stirred him away from his slumber. He could feel her panic rushing through his blood stream and now, he felt himself on high alert. He could not sense anything in the apartment - maybe she had heard a noise? Or was it a nightmare? He was not that familiar with those but he knew that they inflicted much chaos into the lives of humans. Once he felt her blue eyes on him, he slowly sat up as well. The white sheet of the bed slid down his body, revealing his bare chest. He reached out for her hand, something he had come to learn was a calming gesture.
"Are you hurt?" he finally inquired when she did not nothing but stare at him with widely opened eyes.
"I- I don't know, " she stuttered. She did not know what she was. She could not even explain what had woken her up from her sleep. "It's my stomach."
They had just gone to the doctor and he had assured them that everything was fine. He had said something about her not being completely out of the woods but she did not think it meant that she would lose her baby in a few days. No, she had to calm down. There was no reason to think there was anything wrong with her child. If there was no reason to think so though, how come she was on the verge of a panic attack?
Before Kagome could even blink, Sesshomaru had closed the distance between their bodies. He pressed a hand to her stomach, gently caressing it. He had slid his hand under her shirt, bare skin touching bare skin. He was trying to see if perhaps he could feel something that she could not. If it was required, he would bring her to the hospital - but he was not sure it was the best idea or a necessity. She appeared to be more scared than she was in pain. But he was not in her body and he could not tell what she was actually feeling.
Then he felt it.
It was small, it was - barely noticeable and yet he felt it. It was right beneath his fingertips. His child was moving. He was feeling his child move while it was inside of her. He was not one for facial expressions or even demonstration of his feelings but this - this forced the tiniest smile on his lips. His child was moving. She was well, and she was alive. Despite everything, she was strong.
Kagome's eyes widened a bit more when she noticed that he was smiling. It was not a natural expression for him and she did not know if she should be relieved or extremely worried that he was smiling. How was she to interpret his behavior?
"Are you in pain?" he repeated. She could not be; this was not pain. Perhaps the new sensation had simply startled her and considering everything that had happened, she had assumed the worst case scenario. He could not say that he blamed her. Her life had been quite the rollercoaster but he wanted her to be able to enjoy this moment.
"I don't think so." It was not pain, it was simply something that she could not explain.
"She is moving," he finally said.
"What?"
"The child is moving."
She stared at her stomach, wonder shining in her eyes. That was the problem? It was not a problem at all, it was actually the greatest news she had heard. Her child was okay and she was moving. She had almost lost her a few weeks ago and now - now she was moving. She brought her own hand to her stomach, resting it near Sesshomaru's. If he had felt her move, she had to be kicking near that spot. She waited for a moment but unlike him, she felt nothing. She was inside of her how could she not feel it? She was feeling it - with weird sensation but she wanted to feel the pressure against her hand. She meant to hide her disappointment but Sesshomaru took notice of it. Before she realized what he was doing, he had grabbed her hand with his. It was slightly easier for him to anticipate the movements to come.
After a few seconds, her face began to light up. She could feel her. She began to squirm in excitement; there was life in her. There was a moving life in her useless body. She thought all it could bring was death but this was the proof that there was still something to be done with her. Her child was well and alive. She had assumed something was wrong but it was quite the opposite. She began beaming with happiness and she could not help but stare at Sesshomaru with gleaming eyes. It appeared that he was, in his own way, sharing her excitement.
"She's moving." She was in a complete state of disbelief. "She's moving!"
They remained that way for a few moments until there were no more kicks, no more movements. His hand stayed on her stomach and her hand stayed underneath his. Now that she had her emotions more under control, she focused her attention on him. "Thank you." She had been so concerned and he had remained calm and collected. He had seen the good in the situation before she had even understood what was happening.
He nodded. "It was nothing."
But it was everything. She knew he was natural calm but - she was not. She used to live through her emotions and she used to let each and every one of them shape her and shape her life. Somewhere along the way she had lost that. But now, in that one moment - a moment she had shared with him - she had found herself bursting with life. And she was happy, a kind of happy that she had not felt in years. She wanted to dwell in it and let it capture her.
And she did.
She leaned forward and she pressed her lips to his.
She wanted to be happy - she wanted to feel. He did not know what to look for but she did. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could show him what he was looking for. Whatever the reason behind the kiss, she needed it. She felt his hand squeeze her a little tighter as he began to return the gesture. His lips were soft and she realized that in the midst of all the fighting, she had missed the closeness. The kiss lasted a few moments before they both pulled away.
"I felt empty," she whispered, her pout still wet from his lips.
"Excuse me?"
"You felt the apartment was empty. I felt empty."
They had not touched, they had not done anything in forever. It had been eating at her it seemed. She allowed herself to press another quick kiss to his lips before slipping back beneath the covers.
She had felt empty. She had missed it?
That was what he felt.
He had missed her.
He needed her to be whole and at ease?
-R-
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Red Lotus