Killing Your Memories

all normal disclaimers apply







Chapter 5-



Never gone, never return, never could

Lie to me, delude me with your innocent dreams

Toss me into that world of sweet bliss

That world of pure denial

When did we leave?

Will we ever return?

Do I want to?

Can I?





The next thing my sane mind registered was a gigantic, throbbing headache. I groaned quietly and pulled my hand up to press against my temple, or, at least, I tried to. My eyes shot open and I sat up, I was chained down to a floor. ‘Cold,’ I thought and shook my head lightly, my mind was processing everything to slowly for my tastes. I let my fingers skim across the floor as I looked around. Everything was stone, a dungeon, I was in a dungeon. No one seemed to be anywhere close by, but then my nose caught the scent of the place. It smelled of blood… and my father? My eyes narrowed, I was sitting, alone, with thick chains binding my wrists and ankles, in my own palace’s dungeon.



I still had on my normal cloths, but my armor was gone, and I was completely caked with blood. There were places were it looked like water had been poured, perhaps someone had tried to clean it off, but then they stopped? I took in a deep breath, obviously there was a huge gap of information I was missing, and I was not entirely convinced I wanted to know that information, my muscles were tense and tired and my mind fatigued. My face felt wet and I looked over to the side and used my shoulder to wipe off whatever it was. It was clear and sticky, drool? I cringed, could I really have been so crude. Suddenly an image of myself, fully transformed and foaming at the mouth flashed trough my mind. Okay, one mystery solved, I took a deep breath, I felt awful. I was cold and dirty, my pounding head ache was only worsening and my muscles did not seem willing to relax any time soon.



I disposed of the chains by melting them with my poison claws, I stood up and began to think back. The last thing I remembered I had just seen Kodora turn into a full demon and kill Shaekaku. I nodded my head a bit, then she turned on me and we fought a bit, I pulled out two of the three shards before she fainted of blood loss. And then, I closed my eyes and hung my head, and then I killed her with my carelessness. I sat back down, I deserved to feel uncomfortable, more so actually. Wait, what about Rin? What happened to her?



At that point I had no idea, I could not recollect what I had done in the time before I awoke in my own dungeon, or how long it had been since that dreadful event, much less what had happened to the ningin girl. So far the only thing I had accomplished was to aggravate my head ache, raise questions, and remind myself of my sins, I was not getting anywhere on this path of action.



My nose twitched as a new scent reached it, Rin. Her soft foot falls could be heard as she pattered down the stone stairway just outside the rice paper doors; she was here; she was okay. I stood and her silhouette froze for a moment, she heard my movement and now seemed afraid to approach any closer, her shadow was the only thing I could see. She spoke out, “Sesshoumaru-sama… are you yourself?”



Her voice was laden with fatigue… and fear, I did not like it, also, her question made no sense, am I myself? Of coarse I am… right? My now free hand rubbed my right temple and I replied, “Hai, Rin, I am fine…” A dainty hand clasped itself around the side of the door and slowly slid it open revealing an exhausted, teary eyed Rin, “my Lord… MY LORD!” She ran, her eyes streaming towards me, she grabbed hold of me, clinging as though her very life depended on it. The blood on my body was smeared with her tears and I placed my hand on the top of her head in what I hoped was a comforting manner. Normally, I did not allow her to show tears, but in that moment, I felt she needed some relief. She had seemed so stressed, so tired and weary when she first stepped in I had hardly recognized her but for her scent. She looked up at me in the same manner Kodora had only a few days ago, my heart twisted in their resemblance and the fact that I really had no clue to how long I had ‘not been myself,’ had it only been a few days since then, or more?



I asked, looking down at her, “How long has it been, Rin?” Her cheeks, rosy with tears, grew cold and her eyes grew fearful at the thought of telling her lord all that had happened. I removed my hand from her head and tucked my hands into my sleeves, “Rin, I will not make you tell me every detail, just how long it has been.” She greatly relaxed at this and in a small voice she replayed, “Only… only five days my Lord…” I nearly cringed, five days! “Good, Rin now I am in great need of a bath.” She blinked her eyes a bit before looking me over and backing away slightly looking at her now bloodied yutaka, “yes, right away my Lord.” She turned and jogged up the stairs while I fallowed at a leisurely pace, taking the stairs two steps at a time.



Once we reached the main hallway Rin ran to other servants to get what her lord needed so that I did not have to tell them myself. I decided to ignore their blatant ogling, merely growling at the most presumptuous of them, making them jump and move quickly on their way. I soon reached my personal bathing chambers, still filled with servants busy with the restocking of the supplies as a young female gently placed a clean, silken white haroi and hakama on the bamboo table near the entrance where I stood. With a turn of my head I dismissed them all and Rin bowed to me before she turned and went back to her own duties. I slide the door quietly shut and leaned my forehead against the wood paneling. The steam from the hot springs now having no escape built up, warming and, to my relief, relaxing my muscles.



I walked over to the edge and divested myself, throwing the ruined cloths into a basket by the wall and sank into the inviting warmth of the pool. I bundled up my mass of hair and pulled it over my right sholder before leaning back and resting my head against the cool stones encircling the spring, running my hand through the silver locks, watching as the caked blood re-hydrated in the water becoming a red cloud, swirling about my hair before finally become diluted and disappearing into the heated liquid. My body had been, for the most part, protected from the staining blood by the layer of clothing I wore but seeing my reflection in the water, and what was beneath the surface, I wrinkled my nose; I was defiantly not clean.



I spent a long time in that bath scrubbing myself clean of five days worth of who knows what before finally getting out and dressing in the fresh cloths that had been left out for me and a crimson colored belt. I took one last deep breath, my head ache dissipating for the most part and stepped through the threshold into the normal world. I strode down the halls, much more sure of myself than I had been before my bath. Rin was at my side in an instant dressed in a new, blood free, yutaka, she seemed refreshed as well but also very nervous, she had something to tell me. “What is it Rin?” I inquired, breaking the tense silence that I had not even noticed had settled between us. “Um…” she fidgeted with the collar of her clothing before continuing, “would Sesshoumaru-sama… does Master wish to see…” she paused again looking up into my eyes, she need not continue, I knew what she meant. “Yes Rin,” she turned to face forward again and nodded as she started to lead me to where Kodora’s body lay.



I really did not want to see it, but I had to, there were things I needed to be sure of, things to be said, if only to reassure myself. I walked along side Rin although she was leading me, I could not allow myself to walk behind her, a sign of subordination. As we walked the scent of burning incense became stronger before she stopped in front of one door and bowed to me, “Rin will… let you have time to yourself my Lord.” She spun on her heels and walked away, she had grown up so much, no longer the child I had saved so long ago she had been so strong and mature throughout the whole ordeal, though I’m sure she did not understand the half of it. My hand reached up to grab hold of the door and I found it shaking ever so slightly. I stared in wonder at the appendage, it seemed to be separate from the rest of my body, detached. I calmed it before reaching for the door again, this time holding it firmly and pressing the suddenly heavy door aside, I nearly choked.



The early morning sun laced through the widows to cradle her face. The servants had cut her hair back to its previous length, in the black hair set an expensive comb of black jade, ivory, and gold, she wore many layers of kimonos the first of them, her under kimono white, then a dark blue one, then black, fallowed by her outer kimono, one I had commissioned for her so long ago, I had forgotten. I realized I had been standing frozen in the doorway and quickly strode in and slid the door shut behind me, again my eyes were drawn to her form. The kimono was thick and heavy for the winter, it was stark white with royal blue colored maple leaves embroidered on the sleeves, each one outlined in gold and connected to each other on a black vine which was also embroidered. She was covered in white sheets, her arms lay, carefully placed over the cloth so that her torso was covered to just under the neck line of her kimono. Three long strands of gold with cylindrical beads of black jade on their tips came together in earrings that hung from her ears and framed all about her were bundles of flowers, ‘Rin,’ I thought. The girl knew much more about human ceremonies than I did and apparently it was customary to give the deceased many bundles of flowers all tied with colored ribbons. Her pale skin was now an unnatural pale; her long black lashes tickled the skin of her cheeks; her clawed hands relaxed by her sides slightly open, my makeshift bandages were gone and I suspected the burn from Tokijin had healed when she was in her full youkai form.



Kodora’s lips had been painted red so that the blueness of death would be hidden and on either side of her incense stands stood, their tri bamboo rod design painted black. The light gray smoke rose and swirled in the air, curling in a dance that went unappreciated, masking the scent of death with that of jasmine and sage. She had been bathed as clean as I now was, the scent of Shaekaku’s blood, mine, and her own was gone, cleaned away as though the incident had never even occurred, but it had, and she lay here dead in testimony. I could hardly breathe, like I had never seen a corpse before, something caught the corner of my eye. Tokijin and Tenseiga were leaning against the door frame. I began to reach for the both of them, but I thought the better of it, and only went for the sword of healing.



For a long moment I stay there, bent over just lightly touching the sword with the tips of my claws willing with my entire being to feel the sword’s pulse, to feel it wanting to save the life strung out before it, but I felt nothing. I snatched up the disloyal sword in a grip so hard the sheath cracked a bit from the pressure. So… my own weapon betrays me, refusing to save one of the few people in this world that truly meant anything to me. I turned and my anger dissipated quickly as I looked at Kodora’s peaceful face, I stood there for an eternity before stepping closer to her. Instantaneously a warm rush of power swept up my arm and flowed through the rest of my body, a pulse. I looked down, my eyes fractionally wider in hope that I would feel it again. Sure enough, a wave of blue aura and warm power surged from the sword and I slowly pulled it from the sheath and just stared at it for a moment, entranced as it pulsed again. I purposefully strode forward, my impassive mask set in place as I searched the Place of in Between for the little monsters of the underworld. Easily enough they appeared in front of my vision, their disgusting little hands all over my Kodora, I seethed inside and angrily sliced through them, destroying them all in one sweep.



I ungratefully threw the sword to the ground and sat on the soft bed next to her cold body and scooped her up into my arms. I held her close and felt it as her heart regained its rhythm, as she drew in her second first breath, power flew off her in waves as she finished the transformation her body had been unable to sustain before. Glowing her form turned back into a hanyou, everything seemed normal until I looked onto her face. As before each cheek held only one stripe, but, to my surprise, they were not green, but violet, like my own. My eyes drifted up her delicate nose and settled on her forehead where the final changed occurred; a blue crescent moon faded into view, yet instead of a waning moon like my own, hers was a waxing moon, mirror images of one another, forever branding her as one of my house.



She swallowed hard and her brows furrowed together before her eyes drifted, ever so slowly, open, revealing her icy blue eyes now accentuated by all the blue the was adorned in and by the blue moon that graced the middle of her forehead. She blinked once more as her eyes adjusted to the living world again, she stared at me for a moment before scowling and roughly pulling away. I should have known that this would not change a thing, but at that point I was just glad she was alive. As a full demon, she had been able to unconsciously break through the seal on her memories I had placed there long ago, so now she knew, she could envision that fateful moment when the young me obliterated her own birth mother. She also knew the block had been placed there and that I had done it, a betrayal of her trust she would not easily recover from. A suffocating silence thickened the air between us. I stared at the back of her head as she faced away from me. She was also undoubtedly embarrassed by my discovering of her true feelings towards me and with the knowledge of what I had done to her when she was in her youkai form when my control had slipped, though I’m sure at the realization of my betrayal, all of those emotions had dissipated. Oddly enough, the thought of her no longer desiring me, no longer loving me, made me feel as I had when she had died. My gaze on her softened, I could not stay. I stood and turned, walking away from her and through the door without a word, her soft sobs and the tiny scent of her salty tears stalking me all the way to my desk room, I might as well do work to take my mind off of other, more personal dealings.





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