Adult-FanFiction.org : Inuyasha / Yashahime

Must You Be So Difficult?	By : GizmoTrinket Category: InuYasha > Yaoi - Male/Male > InuYasha/Sessh?maru > InuYasha/Sessh?maru Views: 7733 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Inuyasha fandom that someone else does. Nor do I make any profit from anything I do.

Chapter List
- 4
- 5
- 6
Must you be so difficult? Inuyasha             - By GizmoTrinket (Found on AO3, AFF)

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-Chapter notes:

The title of this chapter makes me laugh. It is also apt. Even if it is only a mental, emotional and angsty crash and burn. 22 pages.

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-How to read this story:

---- Section break.

"...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.

'...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.

^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.

~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.

~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.

~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

/...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.

^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.

~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.

                + Always.
                +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.

                Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).
                External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.
                Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.
                Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

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Chapter 5 - Black Box

Decision made I stood up and brushed myself off.

"Inuyasha, stop. Now." He commanded.

'Ah, the commanding, dominant, do as I say or I'll kill you tone. I knew I'd hear it again.' My face twisted as I looked to the sky. 'I knew it was too good to be true.'

^'Stop! Go to him! We need him! He's our mate!'^ I chained beast so tightly he couldn't talk and buried him.

I sniffed out my suikan and hakama and gathered them at human speed. After all, the humans would long be asleep now.

"Inuyasha!" He radiated anger and power. "You WILL listen to me."

I looked at his face as I finished adjusting. His mask was back. Cool and deadly. Demanding respect. Demanding obedience.

My sword pulsed, wordlessly telling me where it was. It seemed to know I was looking for it. I ignored my brother- half brother and tucked it at my side.

The bastard's power spiked when my back was turned and I heard him draw his sword. "Inuyasha." A warning.

That cinched it. I modulated my power carefully and turned my head my face a mask of cold indifference. "Didn't you have somewhere you needed to be?"

I expected him to attack.

He did not.

His power retreated and bakusaiga fell to the ground. He looked at me, pleading. "I..."

I could see the fight. He wanted to be with me. He was needed at his home. His eyes flicked from mine to the west as his mind worked. When his shoulders fell I knew the answer.

I sniffed. We were somewhere I'd never been before and I didn't know how I got here (well, I was pretty distracted...) but I knew where the village was. "Don't worry, I'll take care of Rin." I waved my hand dismissively and traveled in my thickest reiki barrier. I didn't look back.

----

Rin was in a single room hut on the rear edge of the village. It was out of place. Midoriko's cave was much too close and only storage buildings were nearby. I wondered what, or who, it was built for.

None of the guards or villagers who were awake sensed me as I descended to the hut's roof. 'They need more training. Just because it's a reiki signature doesn't mean it's safe.'

Rin didn't reach out to me so I guessed she was asleep. I couldn't hear her breathing or heart rate over her fire to be sure. If she was I didn't want to bother her. If she wasn't I didn't want to talk to her. I pulled my energy as close to myself as possible and sat with my head in my hands.

Beast was being a pain. He was upset about abandoning our mate.

I decided to remind him of just a few of the things that had happened to us because of him. I ran through the more... memorable, disturbing... fucked up ones for him. A lot of them included this supposed mate.

As much as I didn't want to I could still sense when Sesshomaru left for the west. It took him much longer than it should have. He was where I left him for hours. I refused to allow myself to think about why.

-----

The few tears that escaped were gone when the sun started to rise and I decided it would be best to remain inconspicuous. If I was wanted dead it wouldn't be wise for people to know I was alive. No matter how much enjoyment I'd get from killing each one who came.

Rin smiled when I entered the hut. "Good morning!"

"Hey, runt. Were you up all night?" I didn't know how good of an actor I was but I gave it my best. My voice was the perfect blend of greeting and parental disapproval. At least to my ears.

She just smiled in a way that reminded me that she didn't need as much sleep as humans.

'Damn it.' She knew I was upset. Trying to hide anything from her was moronic. The fact that she didn't reach out to link with me didn't go unnoticed.

I sighed.

"I helped Miroku-sama get these clothes for you and Shippo-kun left this charm the last time he was here." She pointed out the items.

I didn't want to change here. I needed a bath badly; if only to remove my half-brother's scent. I also didn't want to be seen. Touching the clothes would leave the smell on them but I didn't see how I could avoid that.

"There's a bucket of water here. I got it out of the barrel in case I got thirsty during the night."

It was difficult to decide if her ability to know what was in my head was good or bad at this point. 'She has to know everything that happened. She would be able to see it. Is she not linking because she's mad at me?' My chest hurt at the thought. 'What was I expecting? She's HIS daughter, not mine.'

"Rin? Can you go somewhere while I change?" A good excuse to get away from her since I couldn't leave yet.

When she didn't respond I turned to look. She was already gone.

My shoulders slumped and my ears fell. There was no one around to act for. And my chest hurt.

Fresh sprigs of mint were next to the bucket. A mixed blessing. The water alone wouldn't totally remove Sesshomaru's scent but I hated the smell of mint. Rin knew both these things.

I barked a strangled laugh as my eyes filled with tears.

-----

The new clothes fit well. They were a dark blue that were cut just like my fire-rat but were human made. Meaning I had to wear under-clothing because I couldn't repair them with a burst yokai or sit back and wait for them to repair themselves. After going without for so long I did not like having to go with.

I was wary of the charm Shippo made and powerful aura it projected (it wouldn't be unlike him to play some trick on me so I ended up with pink hair for the next year- again) so I decided to try something. I slipped into the tenshi plane of my brain and opened my eyes. I saw everything about everything but I didn't understand it instantly like she did. It was all there but I had to focus on it to read it.

The charm would make me look like a human. But not like me on a human night. It would change my hair color brown, my eyes brown, and place an illusion over my markings, claws, fangs and ears. It would also look like I was wearing sandals. He thought of everything. Including my yokai. It would appear to be reiki. He wasn't able to match the signature but the fact that it would change was amazing.

It was excellent. He clearly made it with me in mind and put a lot of work into it. I was proud of him. And a little sad. I checked when it was made.

It was made two years ago.

'Probably before I... Before Kagome... He must have been so excited on the way back to show us... And then he must have waited for me to return. Or did he blame me for the whole thing? Does he hate me?'

Suddenly I couldn't breathe.

'Too much.'

My hands went to my chest then head as I struggled not only for breath but not to cry. My chest tightened and I fell to my knees. It was too much. 'I thought I was over it. That I could see them again. That I could be with my pack. That I had a family...'

The tears escaped.

'My pack thought I was dead. I was gone for so long... I can't even rightfully call them pack anymore. They're just friends. Friends that will probably want to talk about Kagome, where I was, what happened...' I didn't want to talk. About any of it.

Suddenly the walls were too close. The smell of humans was overwhelming. I wanted to scream but that would bring people and I didn't want anyone to see me this way.

'What was I thinking?!' That I could come back and everyone would be happy? That I would be happy? I don't get to be happy! I get to watch everyone I care about grow old and die! Except...'

'NO! Don't think about them!'

^'Who? Your family? Your mate and your pup?'^

"SHUT UP!!" 'He is NOT my mate! We can't trust him!'

I needed to leave. I couldn't be here. I couldn't do this. I didn't care if anyone saw me, I couldn't touch the fucking charm. I stood up and ran for the door as fast as I could.

And right into a body.

"FUCK!!!" The force of the hit knocked me onto the floor. I couldn't see who I ran into because they were outside the stupid screen. I could smell who it was though.

"Owwww..." Rin.

I did NOT want do see her.

^'Blood! Pup hurt!'^

I noticed he left out the word our. Maybe he understood that we weren't family. Not anymore.

Beast growled. ^'I don't like it. But, I was listening to you last night while you were on the roof. I still think he's our mate but we can't perform the bond properly while you don't trust him. So I'm not going to force you. You'll see, in time.'^

I had no idea how mating bonds were forged. Clearly there was more to it than human weddings.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow..."

'Kami-sama! Fuck! Damn it!' I couldn't leave while Rin was hurt. I couldn't leave her unprotected either. If anything happened to her I would never forgive myself and she was strong spiritually and mentally but physically she was like a human. I was stuck here until... "FUCK!!" I slammed the back of my head against the floor, repeatedly. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...'

I could hear Rin, smell Rin and sense Rin's reiki but she wasn't using it to heal herself. In fact, it felt like she was preventing it from doing so on its own. 'What?' I reached out to link with her.

When she accepted I could feel her pain. She had a broken arm. A bad broken arm. 'SHIT!' I was on my feet when she... spoke, thought or whatever to me.

~'Do NOT come out here without your charm!'~ She was in so much pain it took her all her effort just to think that coherently.

I froze. I didn't want to touch let alone put on the fucking thing. ~'What? Why?! You're hurt? And why the fuck aren't you healing yourself?!'~

"Oh, kami-sama! Rin-sama, are you ok?" Sango clearly hadn't noticed Rin's arm.

~'There are a TON of people out here...'~ "Y-yes. It's just..."

~'SO?!'~ I mentally screamed. I wanted to go to her because she was mine and she was in pain. But, I hesitated becasue she could fix it easily. Even if she couldn't she could still block the pain. 'Why the hell isn't she?!'

^'Too much blood! Something wrong! Go to pup!'^

~'NORMAL people can't heal themselves!'~ Rin sounded exasperated. But she wasn't in pain anymore. She was blocking that now.

"RIN-SAMA! Oh, your arm! Miroku, someone- HELP!" Sango was panicking.

~'So what?! They think you're a MIKO!'~ I ground my teeth and clenched my fists so hard my nails pierced my hands. Keeping myself from going to her was getting more and more difficult.

~'I know! That's what I'm saying! MIKO can't heal!'~

'Wait... What?' That made no sense. I could heal... ~'What?'~

"Hold on Rin-sama. Help's coming!"

~'Why do you think Keade-sama and all the others collect herbs and stuff?'~

Blood dripped onto the floor but it didn't stop me from smelling the huge collection of ningen collecting outside the hut. ~'I just thought they weren't powerful enough.'~

"Oh, Rin-sama. It's so bad!"

"Here, use this to brace it."

"No, use this."

"Don't use that!"

"Oh, kami!"

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

I tried to ignore the comments but each one stabbed. She was my pup and she was hurt. 'No, not MY pup. Eventually Sesshomaru would turn on me. Even if we mated. No one could get over that much hatred.'

Beast sighed. But it was a sigh of resignation.

Like he agreed with me.

There was no argument from him. He knew how Sesshomaru had always treated me.

^'No-'^

"COOL! I can see bone!"

That snapped what little control I had. I grabbed the fucking charm and ran out the door. I, none too gently, shoved people out of the way. Rin was covered in blood and crying. She was holding her arm awkwardly and half the bone was poking out. ~"RIN!"~

~'I'll be fine! Stop growling! You're freaking everyone out!'~

I didn't realize I was growling. ~'Rin, heal yourself! You're going to bleed out!'~

~'Relax, I'll be fine.'~

I could see how much blood was on her and how much was in her and I didn't like the ratio. ~'I can SEE that you're lying!'~

"Back off everyone. Get back!" Sango was leading some miko and Miroku to Rin.

~'No, they'll bandage me and I'll stop the bleeding. You're growling again...'~

'Damn, need to stop doing that.' ~'Sorry, I don't like miko.'~ 'And none of them are getting near my pup.' I tried to link with Miroku to prevent a scene but I couldn't.

"Hey, you there! Give Rin-sama some space." Sango didn't recognize me.

'I need to link to Miroku so I can tell them who I am. But...' I looked to see if there was something different about him that was preventing the link but I couldn't tell. I'd never seen him in this... mode, before. 'Oh, duh!' I dropped out of tenshi mode and into my normal brain space. When I sent Miroku the link it connected immediately. ~'Oi! The brown haired guy is me. And keep those fuckers away from my Rin.'~

~"What the...?"~ Miroku looked around him.

I face-palmed.

Rin took pity on me. "Miroku-sama, I'm fine enough. Can you just get me some bandages and houshi-sama will bandage me in my hut? I don't want a fuss..."

"When did we get a new monk? Where did you come from?" Unfortunately, Sango had become an idiot while I was away.

~'Asshole, shut up your idiot wife before she blows my cover! I'm Inuyasha, I'm using that fucking charm Shippo made me.'~ "I got here the other day..." 'Ugh, trying not to be rude is a pain in the ass.'

"Oh, that's right! We met you, you're traveling with Rin-sama." Miroku elbowed his wife and whispered in her ear.

Her mouth made a little o and she cocked her head at me.

My chest tightened. "Nn." The action reminded me of how my family started doing that to mimic me. 'Not family. Not anymore...' I shook my head to dislodge the painful train of thought.

Rin turned her head at me too, unknowingly causing me more pain. She could feel my pain but couldn't understand it. ~'What's wrong?'~

I was not answering that. ~'Nothing.'~ I moved over to the approaching group before they could get to close to my pup. 'No, not mine...' Pain. "Ugh." I shook my head again. 'I really need to get these thoughts out of my head...' Sigh.

^'Focus!'^

'Oh, right.' "Here, I'll take care of her." I, rudely, took the supplies from the miko. One was going to argue but between my narrowed eyes and Miroku's comforting hand and head nod she acquiesced. I walked over to Rin, my hands full of supplies, and realized my problem. ~'Shit. Miroku, I can't pick her up and act human...'~

"Let me help you get her into your hut... Sango, dear?" Miroku looked at her pointedly and moved to Rin's side.

She caught on quickly. "Alright everyone! Clear off! Get to work!" She took the supplies from me and walked into the hut.

I picked Rin up gently and Miroku pretended to help.

When we got inside the hut Rin ordered us around. "Don't put me on the futon, I don't want to get it bloody. Get some water on the fire. Use those strips as rags..."

I rolled my eyes at her while sitting in the corner. I knew why she didn't heal herself, I just didn't like it. I also thought she should send those two away and have me wrap it for show. I didn't voice either opinion.

When the couple was occupied following her commands she stuck her tongue out at me.

"I'm impressed Rin-sama. I thought you'd be in so much pain you wouldn't be able to talk but you're totally coherent." Sango chose the wrong moment to be observant.

~'Can normal miko block pain?'~ I asked just her when I felt her panic.

~'No.'~

~'Idiot.'~ I turned my head to look out the window. "I'm blocking her pain. I can heal her too but she won't let me."

"Wow! Really? That's so cool! Why won't you she let you heal her?" Sango's voice was a little too excited. And high-pitched.

I shrugged. Miroku felt pensive through the link but it seemed he had figured out how to block his private thoughts. I wasn't going to pry to find out what he was thinking.

"Because I didn't want to blow his cover. People will come from all over to get a chance to meet him if they find out he can work miracles and we don't even have a name for him." She winced as they accidently tweaked her bones. There was too much pain to be blocked.

I sighed. "Move." I shoved them out of the way, kicked Miroku out of my head and moved back into tenshi mode. It was not helpful. I couldn't see the bones when they were in the arm so I couldn't see if they were in the right place. 'Well, that explains how she couldn't tell her food was cooked through.' There were more limitations to this... sight, than I had originally thought. I moved my brain back into... default, where I had sharper senses and used my reiki to heal the bone. I sensed Sesshomaru's yokai react to my reiki. 'But, that's impossible! She doesn't have his yokai...' I noticed she was wearing mokomoko. ~'You can heal whatever else you want.'~ I jumped away from it.

~'She doesn't recognize you. Your yokai is hidden.'~ Rin moved her arm around to made sure it was healed correctly. And, judging from her emotions, to show off.

"That is soooo coooooo!" Sango started prodding Rin's arm. "But, why didn't you heal the skin?"

~'She?'~ I shrugged at Sango. I couldn't think of any excuse that made sense.

~'Yes, mokomoko is female.'~

Miroku slammed his fist into his hand. "We should call you Yoshi."

I choked, because of both statements. ~'How is it female?'~ "Why would you call me good luck? I caused this! Based on my history I am the opposite of good luck. I am the epitome of bad luck."

"I know!" He laughed. "And Rin-sama's name means severe, cold, dignified! It's perfect!"

Sango started laughing too.

I snorted angrily and glared at them.

Rin did too. ~'It just is. I can't explain it. It's not like mokomoko reproduce, it's just like it... is.'~ "It's not funny! Now, someone bandage me."

Miroku and Sango did as asked, but giggled occasionally.

~'Where did mokomoko come from anyway?'~

~'I don't know. I know grandpa had a two-tailed one and that when father needs more storage mokomoko will grow another. It's like it's a part of him. He said it was his in a way that seemed possessive and he said another's wouldn't work for him. I don't know if inu-yokai farm them, create them or just find them.'~ "Not so tight. No one will notice it's not real."

"Gomen."

~'Are they all female?'~ This was interesting. I wondered if I could get one if I needed one.

~'I don't know that either. I don't think so though. It's...'~ "Eep!" Rin's eyes went comically wide and I could feel her embarrassment.

~'What?'~ I was curious as to how that could possibly be embarrassing.

~'Nothing!'~ She... thought, a little too quickly.

"Sorry, did that hurt?" Sango looked worried.

~'What?'~ I pressed.

"No, I was just thinking..." Her face was as red as the blood in mokomoko. "Who's watching the kids?"

~'Seriously, is it that bad?'~

"Uh..." Both parents looked at each other.

I was torn, I wanted to know something embarrassing about my dick 'ugh, wrong word choice' of an older brother but I also didn't want to think of him. The more I dithered the more depressed I became. I decided thinking about him wasn't worth the possible humor. 'And, if it is really funny, I will think of it often and thinking about him...' Sigh. I looked back out the window, resigned and thoroughly depressed.

"I'll go honey. You're better at bandaging and she still has that cut." He exited quickly.

Rin sensed my mood. Unfortunately, she misunderstood it. ~'Fine. It's female because it suits him. His yokai is feminine.'~

"WHAT?!" I yelled so loudly every jumped.

They looked at me like I was crazy.

Then I fell over laughing.

"It's NOT funny!" ~'Do you have any idea how much shit he gets because of it?! I mean, he kinda looks like a girl, has more feminine markings, has never... ah, taken anyone to- I mean, he's tried but... Shit! Forget that!! Has refused all mate requests and is supposed to be alpha of the entire clan! The leader of the entire west!'~

"Y-y-you mean..." Laughing. "He's a..." More laughing. "A..." ~'VIRGIN?'~ I was laughing too hard to get the word out. Then I realized what she (didn't) say more fully. I made a very girly shriek as tears rolled down my face. "OH!" Laughter. "Oh, KAMI!" The laughter was starting to hurt but I HAD to verify...

~"Don't..."~ Rin was mortified. She seemed to know what was coming.

"He..." Laughter. "H-He..." More laughter. ~'He couldn't... (what's a nice way to put it?) perform the mating ritual?'~ I stopped laughing to gauge her reaction.

~'I don't know what you're on about.'~ Rin turned her back to me and turned off the emotional part of the link but I could feel the heat of her blush.

"I mean, he couldn't..." I remembered Sango was there and although I was being an asshole I didn't want to embarrass Sesshomaru if I was right, and I was pretty sure I was. 'I'm not going to think about why.' ~'Couldn't get it up?'~ I pictured him, on a futon, with a faceless demoness below him apologizing and I DIED.

~'...'~

I felt the disapproval so I modified the image. Him, on a futon, a faceless demoness straddling him, and him ignoring her and reading. Swatting her hands when she tried to strip him. Which made me shriek again. ~'I honestly think I'm going to die!'~

~/Fury./~ Rin growled so loudly I heard her over my choking laughs. "It was more like this:" She pictured him, humiliated, finding no interest in any male or female partners brought for his pleasure for his first heat and berating them so they wouldn't discover his problem. Killing the first one after a lot of trying and her mocking and laughter. Cultivating his cold personality and killing ruthlessly to hold onto his dignity and his rule. Turning down all mating requests, no matter how beneficial, and ignoring the threats that came along with them, including waging a brutal war against a former ally. Leaving during his second heat to avoid the entire situation. Finding... "Eeep!" She cut the visual there.

I caught something. A flash of red. I couldn't tell what it was but there was no way in hell I was going to pry. I felt very much ashamed. Then, confused. 'He didn't have that problem with me...' I remembered how great he felt underneath me, rubbing... I whined when I realized that I would never feel that again. 'DON'T think about that!' Tears of sadness threatened.

I was concentrating so hard on not thinking about last night that I couldn't focus on anything that would distract me. Memories started flashing. Hair pulling. Twisting hands behind a back. Arched backs. The taste of spring rain and flowers-

~"NO!"~ My body curled into a fetal position. I started taking deep breaths to try to calm down.

"I'm... going... I'm going to go..." Sango sounded scared.

I didn't care.

"See you for dinner Sango-sama!" Rin pried to find out what was wrong with me.

I allowed her into my brain and created a little black box for my consciousness to sit in so I didn't have to see, think about, or relive anything she wanted to know.

-----

The box was effective. The only problem was: it was effective. I couldn't tell when she was done or how much time was passing or ANYTHING and I couldn't access beast to ask him. 'There's no way in hell I'm going out to check. Who knows what I'll... see.' So I waited.

And waited.

'I'm bored.' I couldn't access memories. I knew I had them, I knew about them, but I couldn't get them. I could remember general things... but everything I could dredge up I didn't want to think about. Everything was unresolved questions, feelings, reactions... everything... regarding Sesshomaru. I knew who Rin was but I couldn't ponder anything about her. I knew I felt she was my pup and that I didn't want to feel that way (because of, guess who? yep, Sesshomaru) and that she was a tenshi- or at least (Sesshomaru) thought she was and she agreed. I didn't know if I agreed but the fact that I didn't think it was a fact that she was kinda implied that I didn't. Whatever she was she wasn't ningen. 'And... that's it.' There was nothing else. I knew I had a pack. I didn't know who was in that pack. Only that I didn't feel terribly beholden to them. No, I only felt that way to my family. There was someone else too. Someone important. Split in two...

I sighed.

'Hey, if I created the box, I should be able to modify the box.' I tried to bring the element of time into the box.

I could not.

It seemed that because I currently had no concept of time I couldn't... whatever you would call it (create?) it. If I left the box I could grab it and bring it into the box. But I wasn't willing to do that. 'Something to remember for next time I guess.'

...

'Kami-sama, could I be any more bored?'

...

'Sesshomaru would... No!' I smacked myself, mentally. 'Or maybe physically. I don't know if I have control over my body...' It didn't hurt so much to think about him here. Maybe because I didn't have lungs or a chest to feel tight when I thought of him. Only the mental pain. Oddly enough, my heart still hurt. 'But, I can't feel my heart. Sooooo...' I tried to figure that one out and couldn't. 'I wish Kagome had psychology books from her time here because I seriously think I'm crazy.' I didn't have any major mental illnesses. 'At least from the yokai point of view. I would if I were human. Because of beast.'

'Ah, Kagome. That was the one.' Pain blossomed-ripped through me at the thought of her too.

'Well, I had depression. Even if I didn't rip my heart out of my chest I was suicidal and that's not normal- even for a yokai. Unless the yokai loses their true mate. But, it's not really suicide... The spiritual pain of missing the other half of your soul would kill you anyway. Even without the emotional pain and physical pain. You just wither away in misery if you don't die instantly. Unable to eat, unable to sleep, unable to sense anything other than blinding pain and the guilt that comes from not keeping your mate safe compounded exponentially due to the nature of true mates...'

Sigh.

Even though Kagome and I hadn't actually performed the mating ritual I had acted like she was my mate when she died. 'Well, a loved mate. Even if I didn't love her like a loved mate.' Actually, I went overboard for even that. 'Probably my stupid human side.' That seemed likely. 'I mean, it's not like I was attracted to her or anything. I mean, she was hot and all but...' Huh. 'I wasn't attracted to her. When we kissed it was just weird. Nice and all, but... Boring. And I really, REALLY didn't want to take it further.' I snorted, remembering the time she "accidently" rubbed my dick all through dinner at Keade's. "I thought it was your leg." 'HA! Honestly.' Then she was all upset because I was mad at her. 'I wasn't even all that hard. And the only reason I didn't forcefully stop her was because I didn't want to make a scene.' But that wasn't entirely true. I didn't want to make a scene because I wasn't all that turned on. 'Even if we got married I don't think I would ever be hard enough, long enough, to...'

'Oh, shit.'

I had the same problem as my brother. The EXACT same problem. 'The only time I've ever been hard is...' I tried not to finish that thought but... 'when I'm thinking about or with HIM.'

'Oh, shit.'

There was only one reason for a yokai to not mate an acceptable... partner, that I knew of (not that I was an expert)... 'If they had met their other half. Their...'

'Oh... SHIT!!'

'Don't think it... Don't think the term. If you don't think it, it won't be real.' I snorted at the sheer absurdity of that thought. And it distracted me from not thinking. (Another truly absurd thought.)

'True mate.'

'FUCKING FUCK!'

Now I HAD to think of that fucking bastard because I had to convince myself that he wasn't... 'I refuse to think that term in regards to him again.' ...that.

Sigh.

'Fuck.'

'Well, I'm not bored anymore.' I rolled my eyes at myself. Both for being overly sarcastic and for avoiding what I, now, needed and really didn't want to do.

'Fuck.'

Sigh.

'C'mon, fuck! Stop avoiding thinking by fucking swearing.' I wasn't going to comment to myself about my overuse of that fantastic word. 'Because I'm supposed to be thinking of my true...' NO. 'Fuck, my BROTHER.' That was better. That was the only "my" I could apply to him. 'Although, if he is my... mine, then...' Sigh.

'Fuck.'

'Ok, ok... Ok. You can do this.' Deep, mental, breath. 'Let's be logical.' (Not a word I'd ever thought to apply to myself when thinking about my... bastard half-brother.) I decided to rehash everything I knew about true mates first.

1. You recognize them as soon as you meet them as your other half, no matter your age or maturity. If you're immature you feel a need to be near them (as in physically, emotionally and mentally), always. If you're mature you feel the need to be near, protect, provide for and fuck them, always.

'Ok, yes, when I first met the bastard I felt the need to be with him. It hurt when he turned his back and it physically hurt when he didn't turn back and actually left.' Exactly to the definition, actually... 'But, c'mon, I mean, he was my only family. And I was alone! And little! And helpless!' I pulled up the memory of that day. Focusing on his face. 'Because if we were true mates he shouldn't have been able to leave me like that.'

'Did he look excited when he approached?' Because it looked like he did. I replayed the scene again. He looked pissed this time. 'Wait, how did his eyes look before the snort? Was there as flash of love or am I imagining that?' It was pointless. I recognized that it had been too long and the memory had been colored and twisted. It no longer represented reality.

I didn't bother going into the after maturity part. It was clear that both of us felt all true mate-ly now. 'Well, it's clear I do anyway. I don't know if he was looking for me but he did respond and save me when my beast called for him. And the love I felt radiating from him during...'

2. Once you've met your true mate you will never feel attracted to another.

Sigh.

3. You will always love them. If you meet before maturity your love will be platonic until maturity.

'If the fact that neither of us killed each other counts as love... But, do I love him now?' I checked. I did. 'I think.' I didn't really know what love entailed. 'The only person who loved me who didn't try to kill me was my mother. And that certainly wasn't romantic love.' I sighed.

4. You are made for each other. Yin and yang.

I had no idea about that one. It was true that we were polar opposites in almost every way but I didn't know if that counted.

5. You...

'Shit. Can't remember that one. Or if there are any others. I should have listened to beast more often. Oh! That's it!'

Your beast will recognize them and guide you to them. However, your beast will not be able to tell you that the other is your true mate.

'Something about your beast never revealing your fate...'

It was clear. 'Sesshomaru is my true mate.'

This made me depressed. 'Does he only love me because of that? Is that the only reason he never killed me? Would he hate me if I weren't?'

I didn't even have to think about the answer. 'Probably. Like, 99% likely probably. The only reason it's not yes, 100% is because he may have totally ignored and been indifferent to my existence if we weren't.'

So, now, my problem was what to do about it.

'Wait, can you have someone as your true mate but them not be the same?' Knowing my life it was possible. 'A couple that is fated to be together. That is made for each other. That will have the purest truest love.' The fates fucking hated me. But, you could always rebel against your fate. 'Isn't that what I did when I left last night? So, maybe that's what he's been doing?' I thought about it and remembered something Rin said-thought-whatever, "I don't think it was you who caused all your suffering. I mean, I believe Naraku and all that was your fate and by overcoming you can now reap your reward." 'Did she mean that Sesshomaru caused my suffering because he turned his back on his fate?' It made a fucked up kind of sense when you thought about it. 'Because, he's suffering now because I didn't trust him. And the whole mating situation he went through. Of course, I'm suffering too... But, life never is fair.'

'Especially when fate is involved.'

I still needed to figure out what I was going to do about it.

Knock, knock, knock.

'What the fuck is that?'

Knock, knock, knock!

'Is something-someone trying to get in here?'

Stab.

'Ow! Fuck! How did I get stabbed?' I waited for another stab while pondering whether or not I should answer.

Stab!

'Ow! Shit fuck!' I decided that I should, because the next stab would probably hurt worse. 'Now, HOW do I get out of here?' I decided to move in the direction the stab came from.

Stab, stab, stab.

'Ow, ow, ow!' I had been in here too long. I couldn't remember how I created this box. My only hope was that the stabs would keep coming or that someone would be able to get in the box and come get me.

Stab, stab, stab!

'Ow, ow, ow!' Sigh. As used to pain as I was I still didn't enjoy it. I also had no idea how I was feeling it.

Smack!

'What the hell?' There was a barrier. 'I must have reached the edge of the box.' I felt around. 'Now, how do I get out?' I tried creating a door.

Nothing.

'Hm...' I tried stabbing the barrier.

It stretched around my stab but I did feel it hit something. 'Maybe it's what's stabbing me?' I held the barrier there, trying to understand the thing on the other side.

I felt that... whatever, pushing against the stab. Then banging against me franticly.

It felt like they were panicking.

I felt another pushing against my barrier.

I had no idea how to communicate that I was stuck.

The banging continued. The other was... caressing me? 'Ok. Let's think about this logically. If I'm not in control that means that beast is. And he wouldn't let anyone new in my head, I don't think. So, that would be Miroku, Rin and Sesshomaru who would be able to get in. Oh, and beast is already in.'

STAB!

'Ow! Shit.' I stabbed back. I really didn't need a distraction right now. 'Now, Rin or beast would stab me, probably not the monk. And the only person who would caress me...'

'Fuck.' I still had no idea what to do about Sesshomaru. 'Would a life of celibacy be worth it?' I didn't have an answer to that. I did know that I wasn't ready to see- interact, whatever with him.

'But, I already don't know how to get out of here. If I retreat, or block them by making the barrier stronger I may never get out of here and I'll be stuck with nothing to think about but my bastard brother until I fade away.'

I didn't want that to happen.

'I guess I'd have to see him again anyway. I mean, he'll just track me forever until I finally give in and mate him.' He was that stubborn. 'Or until he kills himself...' The fact that him committing suicide was something that I actually thought he might do (and based on the whole miko incident it seemed very possible) if I died or rejected him scared the shit out of me.

I whimpered.

'As much as I don't trust him and am not sure I want to mate him... Whatever happens I don't want him to die.' I pictured him as skinny and filthy as I was laying in a field. No will to live, just waiting for the sweet release of death. Because everything was all his fault. Eyes closing... Exhaling for the last time...

Just thinking about it was so physically and emotionally painful I started crying.

The tears ran down the sides of my face and into my ears. I whipped them away.

'Fucking annoying when that happens. Another reason to hate being human. Those fucking ears!' I didn't bother to call myself a hypocrite because I hated my hanyou ears too. I knew I was.

'Wait a minute...'

There was buzzing in the back of my head. I ignored it.

'Why am I human? I wasn't human in the box...' The buzzing got louder and more annoying. There was also pressure on my chest. 'There wasn't that either...'

My chest was wet. And it wasn't dark.

'What the fuck? Am I out of the box?' I decided to try to talk to beast. Focusing on anything else seemed impossible. 'Beast? Can you hear me?'

Nothing.

I started to get worried but then I remembered I had human ears. 'If I'm human I don't have beast.' Ok, that was a duh. 'Apparently I'm an idiot again. Note to self: don't spend so much time in the box.'

I could understand that it was Rin's voice coming from my chest but the words were muffled by my top and I couldn't understand what she was saying. All I could see was a mass of black... 'I'm assuming hair.'

Time. 'Oh, fuck. How long was I in there?' I tried to think back to when the last new moon was but I couldn't. I was still sleeping all the time and I hadn't checked the moon last night-or whenever that was. Because I was starting to get the feeling that I was gone for a long time.

"Everyone out." I recognized that voice. Sesshomaru.

'Holy fuck. He's actually here.' My breath hitched and my eyes moved to where his voice was coming from. Rin was in the way. I hadn't actually expected him to be physically here. I figured beast would have been able to reach him at his home and he'd be in my head. 'How the fuck long was I out?' I didn't think he'd come back until the rebellion was squashed and then however long it took to deal with his mother. I had figured at least two months. 'Has it been that long already?'

There were loud protests to his order.

I couldn't understand them because it seemed everyone was talking at once. 'I can't even separate who's all here with these stupid human ears. Although, if these ears weren't human I'd probably be deaf.'

Because Sango was shouting still. "...AND WE SHOULD TRUST THAT YOU HAVE HIS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART?! IF YOU REALLY CARED YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE MONTHS AGO! NEVER MIND HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE TRIED TO KILL HIM IN THE PAST. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT US TO TRUST YOU? AND ANOTHER THING-"

"SLIENCE HUMAN!" Sesshomaru roared so loudly the ground shook.

'Ow, ears. Wait, months?!'

My eyesight had finally cleared (as much as it ever did while I was human) and I watched as Rin's head snapped up. I could feel her panic shoot through the link. Somehow I knew it was her who was caressing me. 'Weird, because she was mad at me.' The monk was the only other... being or whatever, in my head so it had to be him who was stabbing. 'Huh, guess I don't know him as well as I thought.' Thinking that normally would have made me depressed but I was so overwhelmed by his increasing fear I didn't think I could feel anything else. I kicked him out of my head so I could think.

Sesshomaru started growling angrily. The sound was absolutely terrifying.

Sango had finally shut up but she was resisting Miroku's attempts to get her to leave. "Please Sango..." He whispered after much of what I assumed was shoving based on the sounds from behind me.

Sesshomaru was defiantly going to kill Sango, soon, if she didn't leave.

I wanted to look at the idiot onna. Tell her with my eyes to leave since my voice wasn't working. 'Ugh. Why the fuck did they orient my head toward the door?!' Being human made me even more paranoid than normal and, with the general mood in the tiny hut, I was starting to freak out.

"GET. OUT. NOW." The words were guttural but understandable. The growling did not stop.

Rin leapt off me with inhuman speed and, with Miroku's help, dragged a protesting Sango out of the hut. I heard the door flap rustle and Sango's complaints fade, then increase in volume, then fade again as she got further and further away.

'Huh, didn't know Rin was fast. That's good. Even if she's not strong enough to fight her attackers she can at least run away.'

Sesshomaru stopped growling and approached me slowly, gauging my reaction with each step.

I was wary of him. He may be my true mate but that doesn't mean he couldn't kill me before the ritual. The only ill side effect for him would be celibacy and he seemed pretty adept at being that. And as nice as he'd been recently I never trusted an angry Sesshomaru. 'That would just be plain stupid.' I wasn't sure if he was pissed at me or just the others but that growling had me on edge.

When I could clearly see the pain and concern on his face my heart twisted and I looked down. I wanted to turn my head and look at the wall on the other side of the futon but my survival instincts wouldn't allow him out of my sight. He was much too close already.

"Inuyasha..." His voice was strangled and thick.

Hearing my name like that, from him, was too much for me to bear. 'It would have been better if he were angry.' I closed my eyes, ignored my instincts, and turned my head to the wall. 'Oh... My chest.' It hurt. Tears threatened.

He closed the distance and knelt down next to me, ignoring my pathetic attempts to scoot away. "I'm... I'm sorry... So sorry. I had no idea..." He was speaking so quietly I was having trouble hearing him.

'Oh, kami! My chest!' It hurt so badly I didn't even care if he killed me anymore. I rolled so my back was to him and wrapped my arms around my (once again boney) chest tightly. As if the pressure would help the pain.

It didn't.

"You have to understand! I thought I was protecting you by staying away!" He was getting louder so I couldn't purposely block out his words. "I couldn't leave in the middle of a coup, someone would come after me and they'd find you..."

The pain became too much. "Nn." I curled my legs to my chest as he trailed off. I stopped trying to breathe and just held the air I currently had in my lungs. I hoped this would help with the ever increasing pain.

It didn't.

"When Rin told me that you'd gone and neither your beast nor she could find you the only excuse I had was that Rin needed me and I couldn't leave for that. She's only a human to them! They wouldn't understand! They'd come just to kill her for distracting me! And if they arrived here before I could... I couldn't let them find you." He placed his hand gently on my shoulder.

I could no longer hold my breath. I kept the sob that escaped as quiet as I could as my eyes also disobeyed me and the tears fell. I wrenched my shoulder away from his touch and curled into an even tighter ball. I sucked in a large breath and held it to keep more sobs at bay.

He whimpered and even without the link I could feel his pain. "I'm sorry. You have no idea... I should have come when your beast called for me. I knew I should have. It took everything I had to keep my beast from taking over and forcing me to go. And with each call it was more difficult. But, I was in the middle of one of Mother's schemes and Rin said you were fine, other than that you were missing..."

A less quiet sob escaped. I tightened my lips around my remaining air and clenched my teeth together so tightly I thought I felt one crack. 'Leave, just go! I don't want to hear this!' It was just proving that he could never be my mate. That I couldn't rely on him.

"I didn't notice how much time passed between each call so I didn't realize when they stopped. My beast retreated. Rin wouldn't talk to me. The notice that you had ceased eating was intercepted. I didn't know!"

'It just gets better. Even after all that he didn't care about anything other than himself.' A combination sob laugh consisted of the last of my air.

It must have startled him because he stopped talking.

'Just how long did it take for him to finally come here?' I started laughing. "I..." I couldn't get anything else out. The laughing was starting to get hysterical. 'I want you to leave. I don't want to see you again.'

"Inu...yasha?"

The sun chose that moment to rise. Once the change was complete my emotions were more manageable. The laughter and tears stopped. My muscles relaxed. I took a breath through my mouth.

^'You're back! I missed you! I was so worried!!'^

'Sorry.' I gave him a review of what he missed while the sun was down.

He was pissed. ^'Yes, he told me essentially the same thing. I didn't feel the need to respond to him. At all.'^ He wanted to catch me up on everything I missed but we were interrupted.

The hand came back. "Inuyasha?" Panic was creeping into his voice.

I leapt away from him, moving so quickly I got dizzy. "Leave." I ordered as I held my head in my hands.

He didn't move.

My head stopped spinning. I looked up at him with fangs bared and eyes narrowed. "Leave."

He forced a link faster than I could prevent it. I felt all his suffering. His pain. Most of all... His guilt. ~'I'M SORRY!'~

I noticed the tearstains. The bags under his eyes. His general state of disheveled-ness. My eyes widened. To humans it would be invisible, he'd look just as polished as always. But to me it was painfully obvious he was distraught.

Beast scoffed.

~'Inuyasha, please! PLEASE! I'll do anything, give ANYTHING to have you forgive me.'~ He was desperate.

I could feel how close he was to losing it. 'Even with as much of an asshole he is I don't want him to...' I remembered the pictures I had created in my head of him dying and winced. I didn't want him to lose it. My breath whooshed out and I relaxed. Shoulders slumped. Ears drooped.

I felt him suppressing his hope and at the same time his increasing feeling of foreboding. He held his breath.

I sighed.

"I'll listen to you."

____

Chapter notes:

Ha, Inuyasha is being reasonable and logical! Sorta, for him anyway.

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Thank you:

naturechild02 on DA who gave me the idea to change the formatting to make mind-speak more noticeable. You can find her on twitter: @authormkrepps

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Editing notes:

Self Edited 2/21/16:
Notes: Updated formatting. Fixed a few things. Didn't need to change much.

Self Edited on Paper 2/22/16:
Notes: Changed a few words and punctuation marks. I went through this chapter so many times trying to figure out six that it didn't need much.

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Disclaimer:

I don't own anything. Well, actually I own a lot of shit. Some of it is pretty cool. All of it is worth next to nothing. I really don't own anything that is in the Inuyasha universe. I kinda own this plot and all OC that come with it. No profit is made from this little gem. But, due to the nature of bi-polar I probably won't finish it. So... yeah. I don't care if you want to finish it if I haven't updated in over a year.

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Other notes:

If anyone knows of a pdf site I can upload this story to I can add color coding to further help with any confusion about who's speaking please msg me.
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