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The Diary	By : Tomosaho Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 15843 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own InuYasha, nor make money from this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Sorry this one took so long everyone!� April�s a super busy month for me.� It�s Hanami Season right now so I�ve been
going all over the place for parties, but one of my professors gave me a
take-home midterm that was essentially an 8 page paper, and the Odori are going
on in Kyoto
right now so I�ve been hopping trains to that as well�. So, between getting
A�s, getting awed, and getting drunk, I haven�t had much time to write.� But, I should hopefully have more time for
this around the end of the month� hopefully.

Caliha- Well, I didn�t bother mentioning Sesshoumaru in the
last one because I planned on devoting a whole chapter to him in this one, so I
thought it evened out.�

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or make any money from
this product.

////////////////////////////////////////////

Love

The sun moved to high noon as Ah-Un basked under its warming
rays.� Their wounds had healed nicely
during the week spent in the clearing, and it would only take a day or two
before the creature was once again fully restored.� Sesshoumaru eyed his beast of burden, noting
the mending tissue with a knowing eye.�
Soon his group would be on the move again, and he would once again be
able to resume his patrols.�

Taking his eyes away from the dragon, they once more moved
to the diary that lay in the grass next to him.�
He couldn�t get past that last entry and the questions it brought about
within him.� It was folly, to wish for
love, yet he now couldn�t help but wonder at how it felt.� But wondering at that led nowhere, for
Sesshoumaru didn�t truly know what it was, and how could he understand
something he didn�t know.� He had never
loved anyone, and certainly not someone who would have loved him back.� His parents didn�t even make the list.� His mother wasn�t capable of the emotion, as
she had blocked her heart off long ago just as Sesshoumaru had.� This was not to say she had not been a good
mother, for she had in fact been very dutiful to him, but honor and love were
not the same things.� The Inu no Taishou
would have been capable of loving him, but he did not, and Sesshoumaru never
knew why or cared for that matter.�
Loving that human woman had turned the Inu no Taishou weak, so in his
child mind he had assumed that loving anyone, including his father, would have
made him weak as well.� But now he
wondered at that, too.�

Inuyasha, while still terribly raw, had nonetheless become
stronger with Kagome at his side.� For
many years, Sesshoumaru had assumed that this increase was due to numerous
causes, such as very powerful enemies, the possession of the Tetsusaiga, and a
slow maturing within Inuyasha�s psyche.�
While each of these was probably a legitimate factor in Inuyasha�s
improvement, Sesshoumaru couldn�t help but wonder if his need to protect the
woman at his side had been an important factor as well.� A powerful enemy was only a motivation to
become better, after all, and Sesshoumaru had known Inuyasha to be rather
unmotivated for the majority of his life (although Sesshoumaru could admit that
the boy had never had much to live for anyway).�
And the Tetsusaiga only increased Inuyasha�s potential for power, not
the power that was already his own, and considering what Sesshoumaru had
learned of Inuyasha in the diary, he could blow the maturity theory right out
the window.� But could love for Kagome
really bring about that change?� Could it
give him something to live and strive for, a need to become stronger, so that
he could protect his dream with her?� ��

But then why was it that the emotion that had made Inuyasha
stronger had made their Honorable Father weaker?� One could say that because of his love for
Izayoi, the Inu no Taishou made the Tetsusaiga and Tenseiga and that he became
stronger because of it, but anyone who knew how those swords worked knew that
was not the case.� They did not give their power to their wielder, they
only lent it, so that the strength they possessed never truly belonged to the
owner of the swords.� The power that had belonged
solely to the Inu no Taishou never increased, and in fact, his fighting style
actually became rather wild and erratic in those last few years.� During that time, the Inu no Taishou had been
so concerned with Izayoi�s welfare that he was prone to making numerous
mistakes and entered many a battle with only half a plan.� His thoughts were divided, and it showed in
everything he did, from fighting to ruling.�
In fact, when the Western Lands came into Sesshoumaru�s care, the damage
of his father�s final edicts had nearly caused the entire domain to
collapse.� When the Inu no Taishou died,
it was not as the great and feared warrior of legend, but as a beaten and
broken man.� Love had most definitely
been what caused the Great Dog General�s demise.�

Yet Inuyasha was alive now precisely because of it.� There were many battles he had entered that
would have killed him had he not been stronger, and he would not have been if
Kagome had not been there for him.� It
was his desire for Kagome�s wellbeing that had strengthened him, yet that very
feeling had killed the Inu no Taishou.�
How was that possible?� How did it
save one and kill the other?

Sesshoumaru just didn�t know, and that was what was most
frightening about love.� The effects it
produced were not consistent, and he didn�t know how it would affect any one
person, most specifically himself.� Would
love make him weaker or stronger?�

He sighed and propped his head against the willow tree at
his back and stared into the branches, frustrated once more at his lack of
answers.

�Sesshoumaru-sama sighs a good deal these days, doesn�t he?�
Rin whispered to Jaken as they sat near the fire.� She was brimming with questions and she hoped
that maybe one or two of them would be answered if asked every few seconds or
so.

�Quiet, girl!� He whispered right back. �Our Lord will hear
you!�� Silence reigned over the clearing
once again before Rin once more turned to Jaken to whisper.

�And a lot more trees have been falling lately, too.�

�Shut your mouth, you stupid girl-� A stone hit Jaken strait
between the eyes, causing him to fall to the ground in pain.� Rin stared at her lord, but he was looking
the other way, as if he was not at all aware of what they had been doing.

Sesshoumaru once more stared at the diary.� If he kept reading, maybe his questions would
be answered, or maybe he would be left with even more questions.� He hardly wanted even more unanswerable
questions, yet he had promised himself that he would finish the diary.� He picked it up and headed out into the
forest, ignoring his group as they called after him in farewell.� When he was a good distance away, he sat down
with a tree against his back and opened the diary to the next entry.

Well Diary, we�ve
finally gained a clue as to The Border Between This World and the Next, but
we�re not quite sure what to do about it.

To explain, I�ll start
from the beginning.� We were searching
for clues when we came upon another village that had been attached by one of
those headless demons.� We followed the
path it took, and met a little Otter demon named Kanta-chan who was trying to
find his beheaded father.

A vague memory scratched at the back of Sesshoumaru�s mind,
demanding attention.� This all seemed
familiar, but Sesshoumaru didn�t know why it would be.

He had managed to save
his father�s head from Hakudoushi, and was trying to find the body as quickly
as possible so that if he reattached them in time, his father would
revive.� Unfortunately, a few days had
passed, and Kanta-chan was becoming more and more worried that it wouldn�t
work.

Hazy images were floating into Sesshoumaru�s mind, of dead
demon covered in the servants of the underworld.� This was all very familiar, but Sesshoumaru still didn�t know why.� Why would this story have anything to do with
him?

��This
story made Shippou-chan remember his own father, who the Thunder Brothers had
killed and then displayed as a new pelt, and Shippou-chan promised that
Inuyasha would help Kanta-chan find his father.�
Hmmm� I wonder, how many times have we promised that Inuyasha will do
something like this now?� I think he gets
annoyed with how many times we promise he�ll do good deeds.

How aggravating.�
Sesshoumaru had another reason to feel sorry for the poor wretch.

So, we set out strait
away to find Kanta-chan�s father.�
Inuyasha soon located his scent, but he could smell a lot of the demon�s
blood, and we were all worried that a village had killed him.� We kept following the scent, and Inuyasha�
mood kept getting worse.� He wouldn�t say
exactly why, just that he smelled a conceited jerk ahead.

Who?

And when we cleared
the trees and found the body, guess who else was there?� Sesshoumaru-sama!

Sesshoumaru�s knuckles cracked dangerously as his ire
rose.� Conceited jerk, huh?

His memory of this event was also becoming clearer.� He remembered now, he had revived that otter
demon so that he could learn of The Border Between This World and the
Next.� He had always remembered that he
had attained that knowledge from a demon he revived, but he had completely
forgotten the circumstances, and he had bizarrely forgotten that Inuyasha�s
group had been involved as well.

Who needs unpleasant memories anyway, Sesshoumaru thought as
he argued for why he would have forgotten.�
Too bad they can�t stay forgotten.

I have no clue why he
was there with Kanta-chan�s father.� What
reason could he have had?

No reason.

Maybe there wasn�t any
reason� maybe I should stop thinking too much.

Maybe you should stop thinking entirely.

Anyway, as soon as we
got there, Kanta-chan took his father�s head to the body and tried his best to
get them to attach, but it was no good.�
Either too much time had passed, or the body had taken too much damage,
but they just wouldn�t go together again.�
Kanta-chan was so depressed.� The
only thing that had kept him going these last few days was the hope that his
father would revive, but now the weight of what had happened crashed down on
him, and it was like he had lost his whole world.

And then
Sesshoumaru-sama turned to leave.� As he
was going, I saw the Tenseiga, and I thought, �What if?�

I would not have done it just for you, girl.�

It was a long shot, I knew
it had no chance of working, but I had to
ask!� There�s no harm in asking� Well,
maybe there would have been.� He could
have been so offended that he cut me down�

And sully my claws, I think not.

But he just said,
�It�s none of my concern.� very coolly.� It
wasn�t really, what did he care that another one of the many demons in the
world was dead, but I don�t think I could have lived with myself if I didn�t
ask.�

She couldn�t live with herself?� Why did she care so much?� Just as it wasn�t his concern, it wasn�t her
concern either.� It was just as she said,
another one of the many demons in the world, one that was no different from any
other, was dead.� There were numerous
other demons just like that otter demon, he was nothing special.� Nor did she have anything but the barest
attachment to the child.� Whether or not
he had been revived, she eventually would have parted with the boy, and she
would probably have never seen him again.�
Maybe her thoughts would have turned to him every once in a while for some
time, but eventually he would have fallen away from her memory, just as he had
with Sesshoumaru.� So why did she care so
much, that she would have risked Sesshoumaru�s ire?� ��

He started to continue
on his way, and I couldn�t think of anything I could say that would change his
mind.� Looking back, I don�t think there is
anything I could have said, he would have
disregarded all of it.

Of course.

But then Shippou-chan
stood in front of him and asked Sesshoumaru-sama as well.� It was so brave of Shippou-chan, and I was
very proud of him.� He�s so young and so
easily frightened, and I could see how afraid of Sesshoumaru-sama he was.�

He was shaking life a leaf in a breeze.

But Shippou-chan�s
request had the same effect as mine.�
Inuyasha told him it was useless, that Sesshoumaru-sama isn�t the kind
of guy who goes around saving people, and that the Tenseiga is just a hunk of
junk to him.

True.

To which he
agreed.� The Tenseiga can only be used by
someone with a concerned heart.� If the
wielder of that sword doesn�t care, then the sword won�t work.� This is what Totosai-sama told us, and that
Sesshoumaru-sama had never used the Tenseiga before.

False.

But if that was true
before, it�s no longer true.� Because
once Sesshoumaru-sama started walking away, the Tenseiga started acting
up.� It was shaking, and I could feel a
pulse coming from it.� This is the first
time I�ve ever seen the Tenseiga do anything, and it was� odd.� That sword doesn�t act in the same way the
Tetsusaiga does.� Tetsusaiga is rather
passive for such a dangerous sword, it waits for the wielder to discover what
it can do� or could do to be more
precise.� The Tetsusaiga is a learning
sword, after all.� But I don�t think the
Tenseiga is passive at all.� From the
looks of things, if it wants something, it doesn�t wait for its owner, it tells
him, and if the wielder doesn�t do it, it demands it.

Stupid sword.�
Sesshoumaru hated that arrogant thing.�

I bet that doesn�t sit
well with Sesshoumaru-sama at all.� But
anyway, Sesshoumaru-sama unsheathed the Tenseiga and moved towards Kanta-chan�s
father.� He then sliced through
something�

Did she see them, the creatures of the Underworld?

I�m not really sure
what was going on, it was very vague and everything was happening quickly.� But when his sword sliced over the demon�s
body, it looked like it hit something, went through it� Miroku-sama saw it too,
but he doesn�t know what it meant it either.

So people of the cloth could see the creatures of the
Underworld� he filed that information away for later consideration, but what
was more interesting was that once again Kagome displayed more latent
abilities.� With little training, she
could see what a man who had devoted his life to meditation and spiritual
pursuit could see.� Since she had much
more training now, would she be able to see the creatures of the underworld
clearly?� That was filed away for later
thought as well.

But after he had made
that slice, Kanta-chan�s father revived!�
His head was able to reattach to his body, and everything turned out all
right.

How sweet, Sesshoumaru sneered.

He then told us what
he had seen when he was dead.� It was a
world shrouded in white mist, very mysterious, and underneath the mist was a
land filled with giant demon skeletons.� Sango-chan
and Miroku-sama didn�t know what to make of that, but Inuyasha and I knew
exactly what it was, because we had been there once before.

To the tomb of our Honorable Father.�

It�s kind of
surprising that I didn�t think of it before, but I hadn�t sensed a jewel shard
when I was there.� I guess it was too far
away.� The Next World is probably a
really big place�

Bigger than you could ever imagine.

And now we have to
think of some way to get there, Diary.�
And we have to do it before Hakudoushi does, because he�s probably
figured this out, too.� We didn�t open
the portal to it the last time, Sesshoumaru-sama did.� We basically followed him to it.� Besides, even if we had the power to open the
portal up, the Black Pearl
vanished after we came back.

Is she going to prattle on about this?� How boring, this Sesshoumaru already knows
that they eventually find a way.

Since we don�t know
what to do, we�re going to find Myouga-sama and see what he knows.� He�s very knowledgeable, and he�s sure to
know of something.� After all, there�s a
good chance he was involved with the black pearl, so he must know something
about creating portals to the Next World.�

Myouga would know, he had been deeply involved with the
creation of the black pearl with the Jewel Maker.� Unfortunately, the Jewel maker is dead, so
that�s a useless lead.� This Sesshoumaru
already exhausted that venue when searching for the black pearl.�

But we won�t know
anything until then.� Still, this last
event gave me a lot to think about.� And
it�s all about Sesshoumaru-sama, too.� I
don�t think I like that my thoughts have been revolving around him so much
lately.

A small part of Sesshoumaru�s ego swelled at the thought of
a lovely girl spending all of her time thinking of him, but he ignored it.

I just don�t know what
to make of him.� He�s so mysterious, I
never understand what he�s going to do next.�
Look at this event, for example.�
I can�t say why he was there, I can only guess.� I suppose he was searching for Naraku, but we
aren�t anywhere near him.� Was he also
looking for Hakudoushi, and did he know about the Border Between This World and
the Next beforehand as well?� How does he
get his information, I don�t think he would just walk into villages and ask.

Hardly.

I wonder how he knows
what he does.� But that�s just the
beginning.� His actions are hard to read,
but I don�t have a lot to go on, either.�
Every time we�ve met, it was in battle, and you can�t really judge a
person when you�re fighting them.�

One would think killing a person was a form of judgment.

I suppose when he�s
alone, he�s a much different person� hopefully.�
Or maybe he�s always ready to behead everyone around him.

It depends on their level of annoyance.

But I like to think
that�s not true, that he has people in the world that he likes, that he can
relax around and �I don�t know� talk to and fun with, I guess.� It would sad to spend a whole lifetime
alone.� And his lifetime is bound to be
long.� Inuyasha�s probably 300 years old
after all, since his mother�s doppelganger was wearing a juni-hitoe and he
wears a kariginu.� That would mean that
Sesshoumaru-sama is even older.� I
couldn�t imagine spending my own lifetime alone, let alone centuries. *

What would she know?�
She would rather spend her life in terrible company rather than suffer
in solitude, but Sesshoumaru was hardly concerned with isolation.� He would much rather be alone if the only
other choice was to spend his time with idiots.�

Still, it would be nice, Sesshoumaru supposed, to occasionally
spend his time with people that were interesting.� Solitude could become rather tedious after a
while.� But that was what Rin was
for.� She ate away at the boredom with
her odd little quirks, and she gave him simple amusement.� But a child was still rather dull company
after a while.� There was no witty
banter, no conversations that kept the mind sharp and truly sated his curiosity
and intellect.��

I wonder what he would
be like when he isn�t in battle.� I don�t
think I could ever picture him as someone who was thoughtful and caring and
sweet.

Don�t you dare.

Even my dream self
doesn�t picture that.� It just doesn�t
suit him.� He�s not a sweet guy, he said
so himself.� But I think it�s possible that
he could be thoughtful.� I think he would
at least think of what others around
him want and need.� I mean, he�s clearly
a planner, someone who goes into battle with a plan, a back-up plan, and a
contingency plan. The way he fights is very practiced, so he must spend a lot
of time and energy preparing himself for the future.� Then there are other things, too, like just
the way he looks at things, as if with a single look he instantly understood it
and categorized it.� I think he�s the
kind of guy who could think himself crazy if given the chance.

I don�t believe I�m the only one here who�s capable of that.

I just don�t get him,
he drives me nuts!� I mean, thinking that
Sesshoumaru-sama could be thoughtful.�
That would imply he cares, and he said himself that he doesn�t care,
about anything.�

But maybe that was
just a lie.

This Sesshoumaru does not lie.�

But I don�t think he�s
the kind of guy that lies� maybe just bends the truth a little.� I suppose it could have just been machismo,
or maybe he just felt we don�t need to know everything about him.

Or nothing at all.

And he can�t be a
completely uncaring guy either, or the Tenseiga wouldn�t have worked� at least
that�s how I understand it.� I asked
Totosai-sama how his swords worked, why they were only capable of working under
certain conditions.� The Tetsusaiga only
works when the wielder wants to protect humans for example, which seems like an
odd stipulation for a demonic sword.�

And a rather annoying one, too.

Totosai-sama said that
he gave both of the swords a personality, not in the same way as a living
person, but so that the swords were not just objects but existed in a sort of
semi-sentient state.� It is enough that
they can sense the feelings of the person that wields them, and that they can
try and build a rapport with this person.�
If that person is someone they like, they�ll work for them.� If not, they won�t do a thing.� And a person�s feelings can�t be hidden from
them, these swords can sense everything.�
It�s a little scary, that when I held the Tetsusaiga, it instantly knew
everything about me.�

This Sesshoumaru doubts Tetsusaiga found your secrets very
interesting.

So, the Tenseiga can
sense Sesshoumaru-sama�s feelings, as well.�
It must have sensed something for
it to have worked earlier.� I mean maybe
the only reason was because he was curious, but maybe that�s enough.� Maybe its enough that he wants to use the sword, not that he honestly
cares deeply about the people he uses it on� or maybe the Tenseiga is just
willful.

It�s more than willful, it�s shameless.� But her theory was interesting.� All he had to do was want to use the
Tenseiga, while the Tetsusaiga demanded a deep-felt sense of devotion.� How like Father to make such
stipulations.� To have the power to
destroy he needed to have the ability to love, but to have the power to save, he
only needed a simple desire.

But if the Tenseiga�s
just willful, then I don�t think Sesshoumaru-sama would have used it� It�s hard
to say, but I think if someone demanded that he do something, he would do the
exact opposite just to spite them.

It is not their place to give demands to this Sesshoumaru.

Although, I think if
someone knew this, and demanded the opposite in the hopes that he would do what
they secretly wanted, I think he would find out and do what they demanded
instead.

Serves them right.

I mean, isn�t this all
exactly what he did when Naraku kidnapped Rin-chan and then set Kohaku-kun upon
her.� Naraku wanted Kohaku-kun to kill
Rin-chan, and then have Sesshoumaru-sama kill Kohaku-kun.� Even if Rin-chan wasn�t killed, he wanted
Sesshoumaru-sama to kill Kohaku-kun, probably just to hurt us all.� But Sesshoumaru-sama didn�t in the end,
although it looked like he was going to for quite a while.� In the end, he said he didn�t just because he
wouldn�t do what Naraku wanted him to do.

The boy also gave no response to any of Sesshoumaru�s actions.� There was no fear or anger in the boy�s eyes
as Sesshoumaru squeezed his neck.� It
would have been a very unsatisfying kill, not worthy of Sesshoumaru�s time.

And then there�s Rin-chan!� Why does Sesshoumaru-sama let a human child
follow after him when he claims that he hates all humans?� It just doesn�t make any sense.� But I don�t know a lot about that
situation.� When Inuyasha was at Naraku�s
castle, he only got a little information from Jaken.� He said that Sesshoumaru-sama let a human
girl named Rin-chan follow after him and she had been kidnapped and held
hostage by Naraku.� Neither Inuyasha nor
I could figure out why he let her follow him. I thought that maybe he thinks
she�s amusing and it�s not a big deal whether he has her around or not.� I figured that if she ever left, he wouldn�t
follow after her, and if he got bored with her he�d just drop her off at a
village or something.

Precisely.

Although Inuyasha thought
that maybe his brother was a little� weird� you know� that way.

A vicious growl rumbled out of Sesshoumaru�s chest as his
eyes bled red.�

But I sat him for
saying such a terrible thing.

She better have sat him until his back broke or Sesshoumaru
was going to do it for her.

But anyway, I was
talking about how Sesshoumaru-sama wouldn�t follow someone else�s command.� I don�t think there�s anyone in the world
that could tell him to do
something.� Hmmmm� I bet his father had a
hard time raising him.� Maybe the only
way is just to ask� but I wonder if he�s the type of guy who sees a simple
request as a form of demand.� Some guys
are like that, you know.� They don�t want
to do anything for anyone.

How bothersome.

So I guess if that�s
true, then my asking him to save Kanta-chan�s father really was hopeless after
all.

Completely.

I wonder, isn�t it
possible to for him to just do someone a favor, or accept a polite
request?� He can�t be completely
obstinate, can he?� He did do what the
Tenseiga asked of him, after all� so I guess if someone did word a request in
just the right way, he would do it.

It better be a damn good request, then.

I wonder, if I worded
it correctly, if I asked him for information on Naraku, would he tell me?�

Yes.

In fact, Sesshoumaru had done just that.� It had occurred four years ago, when Kagome
had been separated from her group during a thunderstorm and had sought shelter
in the same cave Sesshoumaru�s group had been occupying.� That had been when she really met Rin for the
first time, and when Sesshoumaru was reacquainted with a woman�s ability to
talk ad nauseum.�

She eventually built up her courage and asked him if he knew
anything about Naraku�s whereabouts, in which he had replied honestly.� Really, he hadn�t seen the harm in telling
her the truth of Naraku�s location, and as Sesshoumaru had said before, he
never lies.� Besides, she had been very
polite.

She had seemed like a different person from before.� Every time he had met her previously, she was
a loud-mouthed, insolent thorn in his side.�
She had fired arrows at him and had the audacity to tell Inuyasha to
take the Tetsusaiga just to spite Sesshoumaru.�
He had wondered what the boy saw in her other than Kikyou�s face, but
when she wasn�t in battle, he learned that she was generally a much different
person, and not one that deserved to die quite so much.��

Or maybe not� I
remember when we were fighting Sou�unga, and I kept telling him and Inuyasha
that they had to fight together.� It was
the only way it would work, and it�s what everyone had been telling them to do.� But
what did he do?

Ignore the raving woman screaming at me?

He ignored me!�
So aggravating!� But they did work
together in the end� sort of� maybe it was a coincidence�

Definitely.

Anyway� I can�t really
say what Sesshoumaru-sama would do in hypothetical situations.� But, I do wonder sometimes if it could be
possible to ask him for help with defeating Naraku.� I don�t like to say it in front of Inuyasha,
but I don�t really think we can defeat Naraku just by ourselves, especially now
that he has that new body of his.� He�s
just so tricky, too, and if it�s just us, I bet he could come up with a couple
strategies to defeat us.�

Easily.� Sesshoumaru
could remember a few that the wretch had used in the final battle.� Illusions, pawns, and hostages, Naraku had
used as many cowardly attempts as possible to keep them from attacking, but it
had all proved for naught.

So I wonder, would it
eventually be possible to team up and pool our strengths together?� Maybe if I ask in the right way to the right
people, we can get a really good offence going and we might actually defeat
Naraku.

Which exactly what she did in the end.� Just two years ago, Kagome approached him
with that very thought in mind, and she had made quite an interesting and sound
argument.� He wondered, how long had it
taken her to develop her strategy towards him?�
Did she begin thinking of it when she wrote this entry?

I�ll have to think
about that, won�t I?

Apparently so.

Especially if I want
to get Sesshoumaru-sama.

Eh?�

Wait.. that didn�t
sound right� uuugh, my thoughts are terrible recently.� It�s all because of those stupid dreams.� I�m so embarrassed, I woke everyone up the
other night.

Sesshoumaru nearly groaned in agony.� Did she call out his name?� Damn it, he hoped she didn�t, how
embarrassing for him would that be�

You see, I was making�
sounds.. and it frightened Shippou-chan.�
He thought I might have been in pain, so he woke Sango-chan up to help
me.� I was able to play it off as a
nightmare� but Miroku-sama was giving me a knowing look and he winked at
me!� Oh, he knows what I was dreaming
about!� Where is that damn hole in the
ground to swallow me?!

As long as no one knew that it was of Sesshoumaru, then he
didn�t care what the monk knew.�
Sesshoumaru didn�t want anyone to know that Kagome dreamt of him.� It was far too personal.

Oh Diary, I�m
hopeless!� Hopeless and ruined!� You see, lately, I find that I don�t really
think of Inuyasha in the same way that I used to.� My heart doesn�t beat quickly, and I�m not
filled with that warm happiness that would come over me when I thought about
him.� I feel terrible, but I don�t think
I�m attracted to him the way I used to be.�
I still think he�s cute, but it feels more like an acknowledgment rather
than an emotional response.

She doesn�t love
him?� Then why on earth does she still
follow him?

He still means the
world to me, though.� Inuyasha is the
most important person in my life, I would give up everything for him.� But� he no longer makes me feel�
aroused.�

How can she love him but not feel attracted to him?� Sesshoumaru couldn�t grasp that concept.� For him, lust had always been the substitute
to love, and he couldn�t really understand how she could love someone
romantically and not feel lust for them.

But, as Sesshoumaru was well aware, he didn�t understand
love very well and he certainly didn�t know the sort of love that Kagome
described in her diary.� He didn�t
understand the feelings that Inuyasha brought about within her, and how those
could live separately from lust.�

Although, from the sound of things, Kagome would rather they
were not separated.� She felt incredibly
uncomfortable loving Inuyasha in a platonic fashion.� So, perhaps Sesshoumaru understood more than
he thought, and he could make sense of it all.

How strange is it,
Diary, that I care so much for him that I would die for Inuyasha, yet I no
longer desire to spend my life with him.�
How is it that I feel more comfortable with the idea of dying for
someone instead of living with them?

Or maybe nothing about love made sense and this Sesshoumaru
is the one sane person in the world.�

And in the end, the
person that brings about desire in me is something that would rather kill me
instead.�

Sesshoumaru wasn�t so sure that he wanted to kill her.� He had certainly thought about it in the
past, and the not-so-distant past also, but now that he knew so much about her�
well�

No.� He didn�t want
her to die, and he doubted he would ever have such a wish in the future.� ��

The person I love
doesn�t do a thing for me, while a person I should hate brings about these
beautiful feelings inside of me.� Why
can�t this all come together somehow?�
Why can�t the person I adore be the one that attracts me, too?� It�s not fair, Diary, and I don�t understand
why this is happening to me.� Why do I
have these dreams?

Sesshoumaru wanted to know that as well.

There has to be some
reason!� There has to be some reason I have the same dream over and
over again.� Maybe� I don�t know, I hear that it�s
instinct to want the strongest guy around, so maybe my instincts are leading me
to Sesshoumaru-sama.

Well, he did doubt she knew anyone stronger.

But that seems kind
of� primitive.� The brain is capable of
thinking of more than sex and reproduction, so I�m pretty sure if that was the
only reason, my mind wouldn�t turn to it so often.

Maybe� well, I�ve
heard of some priestesses having powers of sight.� Maybe
it has something to do with that, and this is a premonition.

Sesshoumaru growled angrily.�
He had thought that before and cast it aside.� He would never
take a human lover.

But that would imply
that at some time in the future I willingly betray Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru-sama
somehow gets over several centuries of hatred for humans.� Not happening.

Definitely not.

Maybe the astral
signals are getting confused and I�m seeing someone else�s premonition.�

Sesshoumaru had never heard of that happening, but he was
willing to hope.

Or maybe I should pick
the logical answer and just admit I�m going insane.

Definitely.

Oh Diary, see!� I�m ruined!�
My love and my lust don�t go together, and now I don�t know up from
down.� But I can hope that things will
change.� It�s all I can do.� Hopefully these dreams will stop and my
attraction will go back to Inuyasha.�
It�s sad, isn�t it, that I live off of hope for so many things that may
never come true, and I can�t really do anything about it.

Well Diary, I don�t
have much more time, so I�ll have to end it here.� I�ll tell you more next time when we know
more about the jewel shard and the Border.�
See you!

Sesshoumaru put the diary aside as he pondered.� How was love supposed to feel, if it was
capable of being separated from lust?� Aside
from respect, lust was the deepest emotion Sesshoumaru had ever felt for
another person, but it seemed like that was hardly that deep at all.� Kagome stated that she felt quite a bit of
lust for Sesshoumaru, but she could easily put that aside for much bigger
matters and powerful emotions.� Yet her
love for Inuyasha ruled her life, to the point that she would willingly throw
it away for him.� It ruled how she
thought about others and other feelings, and it was her love of Inuyasha that
caused her to feel shame at thoughts of Sesshoumaru.�

So just what did love feel like?� He had assumed it was a painful emotion.� His father had always seemed pained by
thoughts of Izayoi�s welfare, and Inuyasha�s heart was always in pain from
thoughts of Kikyou.� Even Kagome felt
pain because of her love for Inuyasha, yet all of these things weren�t really
pain that was love but pain that was inadvertently caused by love.� Izayoi�s delicate situation was something the
Inu no Taishou couldn�t fix, so it pained him to think of it.� Yet if he could have found a way to protect
her more efficiently, he hardly would have been troubled and his heart would
have been happy.� If Inuyasha and Kikyou
had not fallen into Naraku�s trap, they would be leading happy, simple
lives.� If those two had not fallen into
Naraku�s trap, then Kagome would never have met Inuyasha or Sesshoumaru and her
heart would not be troubled by shame.�
So, if the risks that come with love could be overcome, then every one of
them had the potential to be incredibly happy.�

What did that feel like, Sesshoumaru wondered.� He knew what happiness felt like, but
happiness that came from love, that seemed like something that would be much
more euphoric.� �Was it worth the risk of failing?� Looking at everyone�s situation, how
desperately they wanted love, Sesshoumaru was beginning to think that perhaps,
the happiness that was brought about by love really was worth the risk after
all.

////////////////////////////////////////////

Oh my god, this chapter�s finally done.� This has been sitting on my computer, nagging
at me for forever.� Painful, I tell you all.� But it�s done, and I can start wondering
where the hell I should go with this until I get to the next part I�ve already
planned out.

*Juni hitoe is the general term used for the formal clothing
worn by noble women of the Heian Period (794 to 1185),
which was Japan�s
Golden Age of art, literature, and culture.�
It�s when Japan�s
ties with China weakened and
Japan stopped trying to do
everything a la Chinoise, and started
becoming the Japan
we recognize today.� The clothing stopped
looking like hanfu and took on the
form that we can recognize as kimono.�
The basic format of a noblewoman�s clothing was a kosode, or short
sleeve kimono with a sewn up sleeve (which is what the kimono worn now is based
on) and red hakama that trailed behind for about a foot or so (called
nagabakama- long hakama), and then layers of heavy robes (the sleeves were long
and left unsewn) that were color coordinated to specific combinations (my
favorite is Murasaki no Nioi).� Juni
hitoe means 12 robes (unlined robes to be exact), but this is a bit of a
misnomer.� The number of robes originally
wasn�t set (and the robes were lined in fall and winter), so women would wear
as many as desired and this could lead to ridiculousness.� Some women would wear up to 20 or 30 and they
wouldn�t be capable of walking or lifting their arms.� Sumptuary laws were put in place that limited
it to five for basic occasions.� On more
formal occasions, a shaping robe, a brocade over robe, and occasionally a
smaller robe and an apron/skirt were added, so the name juni hitoe doesn�t
really describe the garment properly.�
The term actually comes from a story of a girl who drowned because of
her 12 robes, and has nothing to do with the particular fashion.� That�s why some people prefer to call it a
karaginu mo, for the name of the formal garments added.� I don�t really care which is used, and most
people (including most Japanese people) are more familiar with the term Juni
Hitoe.�

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The Diary