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Blood Stained	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 61650 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, and I do not make any money from these writings

Chapter List
- 92
- 93
- 94
A/N: Do you know how much I love you guys? I worked like 6 days straight - night shits. On my only day off, wednesday (well the night from wed to thursday), I did not rest (even though I had another 5 days of work coming my day). No, instead of that, I wrote 30k so that I could update all my stories on time. If that's not true love I don't know what is. :P
Thank you to all who read and to all who review :)
Very much not beta-ed. And probably a whole bunch of none sense!
Blood Stained
Chapter 93: The Final Test
Water droplets slowly ran down the length of the window. The soft sound of the rain hitting the outside world was like a humming noise, soothing away at the ears. The wind was gently blowing causing the leaves to bend and the umbrellas to bend backwards. And Kagome was watching it all happen as she looked out the window, waiting.
She was waiting for Sesshomaru.
Today, he was going to show her his new house.
She thought he would have done it as soon as she got out of the hospital but instead he chose to wait. He said that he wanted to make sure she recovered properly first and did not want to exhaust her. Even though she explained that she slept for two months and did not require rest, despite what him, her family and her doctors were saying, she went along with what he wanted. It seemed to make him happy and so she did not see the harm in it.
Kagome noticed how happier he was lately. Especially since she turned down the jewel's proposition. She knew it was wrong. Things happened for a reason and time and space should not be messed with and that was it. There was a reason why he was unable to stop her from jumping down that well; he was not supposed to. And he loved him and her life. She did not need the start over. He never believed her but she hoped this proved it. She did not even need that dream like reality she experienced while unconscious to know this was the life she was meant to have; she had known it for a while.
Her goal was to show it to him as well.
Though Sesshomaru was different. He was not the same man that sat in the car next to her two months ago. He changed, he transformed himself. Every day, she found out new things about him. It was a pleasing, new and refreshing situation. She did not think she would get to experience it again. Although he was just as caring and loving as he was before she noticed that he did affirm himself more. And he went on his day, doing things without asking or telling.
While she was asleep, he got his own routine. Some days she almost felt bad for interrupting it. After all, this was what she wanted. Sesshomaru got to know who he was, what he enjoyed. Obviously, she hoped he would have discovered that under different circumstances but it could not be helped. At least, the change happened.
A change that created a small hint of fear inside of her. Despite all the happiness it brought her to see him like that, it was scary. Sesshomaru was himself without her. She did not want to trade their life together, she did not want to erase it but the same doubt as always was there; what if in the end they were not right? It would not changed what happened or her feelings. She cherished their moments together but perhaps he did not need her as much as he thought. Perhaps he could indeed be happier if she was not around him.
She would not mention it to him. Mostly because that one little thought broke her heart and she did not even know if she could voice it out loud.
Although, she might be the same way as him. Maybe she was different without him around. She would not know that and she was scared to find that out. She did learn to affirm herself around him so perhaps she was not the same as him? Maybe she knew how to sometimes put herself first? NO, no that made her sound selfish. She did not want to prioritize herself but… she knew how to grow in their relationship. Before her coma, he did not.
Before her coma, she would have never been sitting by the window, waiting for him to come and get her.
Still, she would be a liar if she said she minded the wait. When Sesshomaru would arrive she would have to get in a car. The little amount of time she spent home did not free her from that fear. She did not know how she would get over it. It was mostly a physical response. Her mind was used to dealing with horrible events and she knew how to control her panic and fears. Her body though could not be controlled the same way. Every time a car was involved, she would shake and tremble.
She did her best to be calm but it did nothing. He noticed but he never said anything.
"Sesshomaru's not here yet?"
Kagome snapped her head in direction of her mother. "Not yet."
"How is he?" her mother inquired while pointing at Kiyoshi.
"Still sleeping."
Kiyoshi slept a lot lately. She did not know if it was his regular new habit that she missed or because he was restless during her coma. The guilt from that was not going away either. She never meant to leave her son without her and she spent most of her waking moments holding him and spending time with him. Nothing would make up for the time she missed but she would make sure he never felt alone. Although, the positive side was that Sesshomaru got to create a bond with Kiyoshi; he had no choice but to get over his fear and just as she expected, he was a great father.
Her son, her poor son who was left with her burden. She hated that it lived through him and that it even tried to take Kiyoshi himself away from her. She always hated the jewel for what it was, what it did to others and how it affected her life but now she truly despised it. Everyone was right; nothing good could come out of the jewel. There was a reason why corrupted people should not touch it or why it took away the goodness in pure people; it was evil, rotten to the core.
How could it have proposed such a deal?
She fell prey to it but not even because it tried to influence her but because she was desperate. Nonetheless, the jewel got what it wanted and it now had a new host; her son. There were too many emotions clouding her judgement but one day she would find the right wish. It would have to be perfect because she did not want anybody else stuck with the jewel. It had to disappear for good. Hopefully, she could still be the one to find the right wish.
Suddenly, she heard footsteps and they pulled her away from her thoughts. It was Sesshomaru.
She bent down and softly kissed her son on the head before hugging her mother. "We shouldn't be gone too long."
Kagome did not want Kiyoshi in a car. She knew he was in one while she was in a coma but it did not matter. Not anymore. One day, she would have to get over her silly fear but not right now. Her accident was too fresh in her mind and she did not want to endanger him. He probably would not get hurt the way she did but she did not want to take a chance. He was half human after all and she was afraid to find out his limits.
"Don't worry, I love watching over him."
Her mother's words only reminded Kagome of the time she spent away from her son and it nagged at her. She did not like that feeling. Still, she put on a smile and walked towards the door. She managed to open it right before Sesshomaru could knock. He lowered his hand and then approached her to kiss her. He did not mean to be too forward but it was an amazing feeling to be able to do that again. Some days, he thought he would never kiss her again.
She gladly returned the kiss and once he pulled away she grabbed his hand. "I'm ready," she said, her voice almost a whisper.
He knew she was lying but he nodded nonetheless. He watched her draw quick breaths, fidget with her fingers and her restlessness. He ignored it all and led her to the car. Her hand was shaking as she grabbed the handle and pulled the car's door open. She let go of his arm and climbed in. He felt nervous for her. She kept a straight face but he could tell.
Sesshomaru walked around the car and sat down in the driver's seat. She should know he would never let anything else happen to her. Too many times she got hurt because he failed her; when she got kidnapped, the car accident. It was enough. He did not care if he had to put all of his senses on alert and always be silent and focus; he would be. He was lucky once and he did not expect them to be lucky twice.
He buckled his seatbelt as well, even if he did not need it, and started the car.
His house was not very far so it would not be a long drive. Although, they had no been driving for long when they got into the accident.
Instead of feeling nervous about that, he would be slightly nervous about her seeing his house for the first time. She might hate it. Although even if she did she would not say anything. She wanted him to be independent, and she would not try to ruin it. It was a shame because he did want her real opinion about it. It was the first time he made a purchase for himself without considering someone's opinions, goals. This was all for him.
It would probably not be his permanent home, they would need another one for the two of them, but he wanted her to like it.
In the past, they were two very different people who should not have gotten together. His personality was especially the problem. Kagome was too good and too pure for him. She still was, despite what she thought, but he was a new person. He tried to make up for all of his mistakes and he was genuinely trying to do the right thing - for her, for their son and even for himself. The him now and the him before had almost nothing in common - except for his wretched beast.
His beast. He was mad at it too. He encouraged the jewel, he wanted that wish. How did it not realize that it was the reason all of it happened? If his beast had not taken control of him back then, none of it would have gone down and now it wanted to take it all away? It did not know how to react or be. Before, it acted without thinking, only wanting what it wanted. Now, it knew what happened but was hurt over Kagome's reactions and still only did what it wanted.
Would there ever be a way to make it understand? He was ready to give up on it.
The whole drive was done in silence. Kagome was nervous about being the car and Sesshomaru was angry at his beast. Neither of them seemed to really notice the silence.
After a few minutes, they pulled in front of his house. Kagome could not see it from her angle and had to wait until she was outside the car. Once she went around his white car, she saw it. The house was like a poster for a family home. White picket fence, red bricks, a small garden, a swing hanging from a tree and there was even a little bench by the red front door. The porch was decorated with many flowers and the whole place looked very warm.
Family.
In the past, it did not really matter to Sesshomaru; he always put himself first. Now, it was all he was looking for and he was terrified of being alone.
She could tell that from his house. He had come such a long way from who he used to be.
"It's beautiful," she finally said with a smile.
As he guided her towards the front door, he smiled as well. Kagome liked the house, he knew she did.
She understood why he felt like it was a dream house; even she thought of it that way and she could picture their son on that swing. He might have bought that house all by himself without outside influence but he bought it with only one goal in mind; his family. Perhaps she had been wrong, perhaps doing things for his family had truly become one of his traits.
Sesshomaru was a family man.
-B-
An hour.
It was how long it took them to do the tour of the house. It was not particularly big; although it was spacey enough for all of them. What took the most time was going through all of the rooms one by one. Sesshomaru decorated them all by himself. He did not re-do the paint but he bought all of the furnitures on his own. It distracted him from what was going on with her. Despite the beauty of the all the rooms, her favorite one was Kiyoshi's bedroom.
Although Sesshomaru had elegant taste, it appeared that when it came to a child's nursery he had no clue had to do it and he went with the most stereotypical theme he could. The room was two tones of blue, a navy one and a soft baby blue color. The furniture was a dark wood and all the accessories were either cars or spaceships.
It was adorable. She was convinced it was the room that took him the most time and she could picture his loss expression.
After the tour, they sat down for lunch and as he often did in the past, Sesshomaru cooked something up for her. Now that lunch was over, he was finishing the dishes. She tried to help but he categorically refused. He was still protective of her since she was in a coma. It was sweet, but she was not going to let him get away with it forever.
Once he dried the last plate and put it away, he joined her at the table.
"It's a beautiful home," she told him again.
It was. It was also nothing like he ever had before. Castles and big mansions. This was a huge tone down and he liked it that way. He was even more pleased that it seemed to fit her taste.
"Did Kiyoshi sleep here?"
"Most nights," he quickly answered. "Some of them he spent at your mother's."
"I'm glad… I mean that, you and my mother got along."
Her words reminded Sesshomaru of Miyu's little outburst; he never saw her like that before. Though, it was completely understandable and he had agreed with her.
"We were both worried about you."
His we made her think about something else. "Did… did it…appear? While I was in a coma?"
It did. Should he tell her that his beast wanted their entire history gone? Should he tell her it stuck by its words and wanted her far away from him? He did not think that owuld make her like his beast more but - he could not lie to her.
"When the jewel came to him, it expressed its opinion."
She swallowed hard; she could guess what came next just by the look in his eyes. "It wanted it to be all gone."
He sighed before nodding. "It favored the jewel's proposition, yes."
Kami, the - ugh! "You know, it got us where we are. It wanted me so much it just couldn't even bother to ask me what I wanted. It was cruel to me. And now, it wants it to be all gone?"
She never liked his beast, it always made her angry but now, it was worst than ever. It put her through hell and back to get its way. She was broken, she had to rebuild herself and move past all the horrors it made her live and now, now that she finally found the good in it and was at peace and - happy now that she was happy it wanted to take it all away? She survived it all to get to this, to have these two people that made her happy. All her suffering could not be for nothing. She learned, she grew.
Why did it always have to change its mind?
"Did it come back since then?"
Sesshomaru shook his head.
"Call him back."
He heard the desperation in her voice. He saw Kagome upset plenty of times in the past but this was different. In her desperation he heard anger and rage. He was not convinced it was a good idea for her to talk to his beast when she was in such a vulnerable state.
"Perhaps we should wait."
"No, it never waited." Once she realized the harsh tone she spoke in, she took a deep breath. "I'm not angry at you," she said as she caressed his cheek. "I just - I need to talk to it."
Talking never worked because it never listened. Nonetheless this was not about it, it was about her. She needed to get some things off of her chest and she did not want to be scared of it. They made a deal. If she kissed Sesshomaru, he was hers. It would not try to pry them apart and it did exactly that when it tried to persuade Sesshomaru to take up the jewel's offer. A deal was a deal. She did something she was terrified of doing simply to keep Sesshomaru in her life. She thought the beast would keep his end of the deal. It did not. It was a liar. A liar.
"Very well," Sesshomaru said, giving in.
He was not sure his beast would listen because it never did but he tried. He dwelled deep within himself and called out for him and then he waited, and waited. This was no time for his beast to be stubborn. It usually always jumped at the occasion of having an opinion and now it was hiding? It was not scared of Kagome, so why not show up? It loved confronting her, It loved making her angry. At first, even Kagome thought it did not work but after a few moments, Sesshomaru opened his eyes and they were shining that familiar red color she used to dread so badly.
"Why?" she asked before it even spoke.
"Why what?"
"We had a deal."
"I did not break any deal."
"You told Sesshomaru to make the wish! That would be breaking the deal! You said you'd stay out of it. Sesshomaru was mine if I kissed you. And I did."
"I advise him that you would be happier without us in your life. I did not force him. And he did not make the wish."
"Only because he's better than you. And he knows, he knows I love him."
"And me?"
"And you?"
"I have told you this many times. If you love him, you love me as well. I am part of him."
Yes, she knew that. She knew it would be inside of him forever but it could be a less active part of him. It did not need to have the power to surge and give horrible advice to Sesshomaru. "Why won't you merge with him?"
"We disagree."
"Why won't you agree with him! You wanted him to have me and now he does. Can't this be over?"
"We are not right for each other."
"How are we not? We love each other."
The beast took a step forward and grabbed Kagome's chin with its fingers. It tilted her head forward and stared right into her eyes. "Will you love him when him and I are one while he takes your body?"
She knitted her eyebrows together. "What are you talking about?"
"Did you not feel it? When his eyes turned red while he was taking you? It was us. Me and him together at the same time. Will you be able to handle it when he takes you and you have to look into his red eyes knowing we are both there at the same time?"
When did Sesshomaru's eyes turn red? She knew she would have remembered such an important detail. She had no memories of that. He would have told her if it happened… unless…unless he thought it would have freaked her out. Maybe he did not notice? She could hardly see Sesshomaru coming something from her, especially something this important.
The beast knew Kagome could not love it. He tried, he tried and apparently he did her wrong and brought her nothing but misery. Sometimes, through Sesshomaru, he felt her pain. She would have no real happiness as long as he was present and she would never consider him like she saw Sesshomaru. He made a deal, he said he would not intervene but it did not mean Sesshomaru and him had to be one. They were too divided for that. He could see now the damage he did to her.
She had to find someone else, someone who brought her no pain and only happiness.
"I could," she finally answered with a shaky voice.
Being with Sesshomaru would always be a fight. There would always be memories, they would always be the thoughts, the feeling. However, being with him as also happiness and love. He made her feel alive. He made her feel love. Nobody would love her the way he did and nobody would go through the same hurdles with her. It was not easy but their past was their past and she learned to accept that.
It was the same reason why she was glad he did not let the jewel take it all away.
His beast would be there, with him merged. It would not be in control. And that was the thing she needed to remind herself. This was not the Sesshomaru from the past that would let the beast hurt her. Maybe the beast would be in there, maybe his eyes would be red but it would be the same sweet kind Sesshomaru who made love to her plenty of time.
Perhaps this was the alpha, the freedom, his mother said he was lacking.
It was his beast. That was the alpha part of him he could not have when he was with Kagome.
This was the hurdle Sesshomaru's mother thought they could not get past. Kagome said Sesshomaru had to learn to be selfish, to be himself without her or it would not work. In return, she needed to accept this; all of him, no matter how scary it was and how much it was linked to memories she wished she could forget forever.
This was her test.
She thought it was the kiss but the kiss was nothing. A brief moment of courage, nothing more.
But she pulled through that and she faced her fear for the very first time. She even came out victorious. She could do it again. She learned to be better than his beast once and she would succeed again.
At least she hoped.
"Do you really believe you could? You could have him make love to you with my eyes?"
She would not. She would never let him make love to her. She was only his because he desired so. She never willingly let him have her body and she never would.
"Yes." Her voice was losing courage and conviction every time she spoke but it did not mattered. All it mattered was that, she was willing to take that risk, take that chance for Sesshomaru.
For them.
For their family.
Because he lost her and she saw it in his eyes; he almost died from it.
What if she lost him?
She always said they might not be meant to be, they might have to be apart if they could not be themselves fully. But could she actually do it? Was something worth walking away from Sesshomaru?
Was his beast the thing that would keep them apart forever?
Was she not tired of all the fears and all the pain?
This was the moment, the moment she decided how much their love was worth and she just what kind of courage she had. What was her limit? What was the one thing she could not handle?
"Prove it."
Those were the words she was afraid it would say and yet she knew she could not escape hearing them.
How was she supposed to prove it, how was she going to pull through it?
"How?" she dared to ask.
The further she went, the less she could escape it.
"I will be there. He will be there."
She wanted to pretend she did not know what it meant but she could not. She had not even been with Sesshomaru that way since her coma. Now it expected them to be together like this? Those red eyes looking at her while…just like before? That would be it. That would be Sesshomaru complete. Sesshomaru feeling all of his instincts, all the things he should feel.
It would be all of him.
His beast always left her in a dilemma in a situation where she could say no and lose everything or say yes and face everything she feared.
"Fine," she answered with a shaky voice.
At that point, she did not know if she could go through with it or if she would stop it half way through. She knew she had to try; because she never went down without a fight and she could not start now. Everyone faced hurdles, theirs were simply… the stuff from nightmares, the things you could never truly escape. But if she did this, it could be all over. One less struggle, one less obstacles standing in their way.
The beast nodded and then, just like that Sesshomaru's eyes returned to normal.
At first she was confused but then she understood; this was as though they were one. Sesshomaru was himself and then in throes of passion…
There was one problem; Sesshomaru was not as keen to the idea as she was and she could tell simply by looking at him.
He approached her, his body still shacking. "Kagome, we are not doing this."
"We both know you can't stay like this forever. We can't stay like this forever. It said it would stay away and it came back. The only way to get rid of it is if you two merge."
But she was always the one paying the price. Yes, it hurt him to see her in pain but… she was the one who had to go through all of it. He could not be worth all that pain, all the trauma she put herself through. This was not like a kiss, this was much worst. Granted he would be there as well but - no. He could not let her go through with it.
"How do we know it will keep its word? It failed us in the past."
"It cannot pretend to be gone. It either will be or it will not. No more surging back, no more… no more being on its own. And you'll never have to worry about it again. It'll be over Sesshomaru."
She took a step forward and leaned into his chest. "We need it to be over." She needed it to be over. If they wanted to move on and forget all about it, they could not have this threat constantly hanging over their heads. They had to put an end to it.
"Kagome…"
"We both knew getting rid of it would come with a price."
They did not know who would pay it or how much of a sacrifice it would be but they always knew it would be something. This was it.
"It'll be over. Forever."
"Are you sure?" He hated himself, he hated his beast. But how could he not help if she decided to do it? How could he refused her? He did not want to fight with her, he did not want to lose her. Though he did not want to hurt her either and that was exactly what would happen.
She nodded.
Kagome grabbed his hand, unable to say another word, and led them back to his new bedroom. If they were going to do this, they were going to do it right. She could feel her body shaking with fear but she ignored it. Freedom; this was her only goal. Freedom for herself and freedom for Sesshomaru. That was the thought they needed to hold on to so that they could push through it.
She sat down on the bed and Sesshomaru joined her.
"It won't hurt you."
"I know."
"I won't hurt you."
If they were one, Sesshomaru would still be the one in charge, the one loving her, the one touching her. The beast would simply be very present, directing his thoughts, influencing his desires. But it would be Sesshomaru.
Since Sesshomaru was not initiating it, she decided to do it. She tilted her head and kissed him. At first, he did not move but then, after a while, he returned the kiss. She knew he was unhappy with the whole situation but if they made it pass this, they would be okay. She wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her body closer to his.
Sesshomaru and her loved each other. She could feel the love, the passion, every time they were together. This time it was different. They were going through the motions but the spark was lacking. She ignored it. She grabbed his hands and put them around her waist and he held on.
"I need you to help me," she whispered against his lips.
She could not bear all that weight all by herself. She could not carry them both; she could barely carry herself through it.
He lowered his gaze and looked into her eyes. He could not abandon her, he could not let her do it on her own. He was being selfish and he knew but he - he never wanted to see that terrorize look in her eyes again. He did not want her to be terrified of him. They had come a long way and if she slipped away because of this…
But she was asking and… when did he ever refuse her?
Because…he could not lose her. And both ways…he might.
He cupped her cheek with his hand and deepened their kiss. He also used their new position to his advantage so that he could lay her on the bed and be on top of her. The less she had to do, the less she would think about it. It was all he could do for her. He could not take away her fear or the memories. He could only help.
Kagome kept her eyes tightly closed as she tried to focus on his hands, on how they felt. Usually she would love it when he touched her, when it dragged on; today, she wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. His hand glided under her shirt and it felt warm against her skin. She held her breath as his other hand traveled up her thigh. His movements were usually smooth but now they were shaky and awkward.
She could not focus on that.
Soon enough, the clothes were coming off and she did her best to lose herself in their love, in Sesshomaru. She leaned on him and he leaned on her. This was how they always made it through. It was too late to give up now.
She was grateful that her body loved his touch because she was not completely turned on at the moment - especially with all that weighted on her mind, but, his ministrations were enough for her body to offer some natural lubrication.
Sesshomaru wrapped her long legs around himself and positioned his not-quite-as-hard-as-usual-erection at her entrance. He knew he had to look at her but he did not want to do it. She loved him too much. She should not go through with it and yet he would selfishly hold on to her like he had done when he refused the jewel's wish. He could not lose Kagome.
He dared to raise his head and their eyes met.
Kagome smiled at him and she nodded. "I love you, Sesshomaru. Nothing is every going to change that." Even if they did not make it. Even if they did make it - she would always love him.
He hoped not.
He took a deep breath and then took the plunge.
Two months.
Two months without kissing her, two months without feeling her pressed against him, without tasting her skin, seeing her smile. Those last two months had been hell and this was not how he planned for them to find each other again. He would make it up to her in any way possible.
She grabbed with forearms with her hands, giving herself some stability and she closed her eyes again. She focused on feeling him, through their love and through their bond. His aura pulsed through her and it brought her warmth. It made her feel better. Almost enough for her to forget for nearly a second what was happening and why they were doing this. It was him and her like it always was.
Unfortunately for her, she was not graced with that moment of happiness for too long. She sensed it when Sesshomaru came to a halt for a brief instant. His action were enough for her to open her eyes.
And then, she regretted it.
There, staring at her from above where those red eyes from her nightmares. But it was all wrong, it was nothing like she expected. They should been its eyes.
Except, they were not empty, they were not cruel.
Those eyes, that face, that expression. It was all Sesshomaru.
It was her kind and loving Sesshomaru with the eyes of a monster.
And she had to make her decision.
-B-
- 92
- 93
- 94
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Blood Stained