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Blood Stained	By : Maddiesan Category: InuYasha > Het - Male/Female > Sessh?maru/Kagome > Sessh?maru/Kagome Views: 61650 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 6
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, and I do not make any money from these writings

Chapter List
- 93
- 94
- 95
A/N: I thought I'd try this thing; a chapter a day until Blood Stained is over. Who's with me?
Blood Stained
Chapter 94: It's just you and me - and it
He was completely still - which was a very difficult task considering where he was sheathed.
He would not move, he refused to even blink until her gaze shifted. Her saw the pain, the memories, flashing in her grey orbs. She might not realize it but she was forgetting to breathe. His stomach was coiling at the memories, at the agony he brought into her life. He was so close to being one with his beast, to no longer be torn apart. At this point he spent more time separated than he did whole. However, it was up to her. She got to choose if he was Sesshomaru - beast and all, or just Sesshomaru. For the first time in his life, he did not know what solution was better.
He hated who the beast was, he hated what he did. He did benefit from the end results - although he despited how it happened.
But, but now that it felt like only one heart was beating in his chest, he missed it. He missed feeling in control of his body, he missed being the only person in his head; he missed sanity. Most of all, he could almost taste it; the freedom and no longer having to worry about someone else taking control of his body and messing up his life.
He would stay broken for her because she was Kagome. But - no, he would be happy. He would be happy no matter what.
It was strange being without her for two months. She used to be his whole focus and then, for a while, life rushed in. He forgot how to be on his own without constantly trying to make up for his mistakes.
The way she was looking at him was making his head spin and he did not know what to do. He did not like the silence, he did not enjoy this pause; it made his brain run wild and he did not want to be thinking. However, if he moved, he was almost certain he would spook her away.
The everlasting gaze was broken when he saw her rise a shaky hand. Gently, she scooped his cheek. He felt how moist it was from the inner turmoil raging with her head. He leaned into it, trying to re-assure her, trying to convince her that underneath this mask, underneath the redness it was him. The hardest part was keeping his eyes open; he wanted to close them, he wanted to take the nightmare away for her. But he could not.
Her soft fingertips brushed his skin, sending jolts of tickle through his body. He missed her. He missed her so goddamn much. His life simply was not the same when she was not in it. Every step of the way, every event, every catalyst, she changed him. Until he was no longer who he used to be. And that was not a bad thing. But now, this new person could not be - could not be everything she needed him to be but he could hardly be without her. Alone? He remembered being alone. Alone with it, alone with himself, with what he was.
Some days, he felt like he was barely hanging on to her.
Kagome slowly let her hand drag down, her fingernails almost grazing his flesh. Never once did he look away, never once did he even move an inch. Her Sesshomaru was waiting for her to make a decision. The struggle within her heart was heightened. She owed herself and she owed him. Even if he was happier without her, he would not be happy being half of himself - even if he hated that part. She also deserved freedom and control over her life. She had to shatter the nightmare, shatter this mirror of horror and go after what she wanted - him.
She had to be willing to fight for him, to sacrifice everything.
All she wanted to do was bury her face in his embrace, shield away from his gaze, from his crimson look, but she could not or it would not count. It was already Sesshomaru, the softness, the kindness and the understanding. She had to remember this was all of him, not just the part she loved with all of her heart. She could not speak, her voice gone, her body frozen under the pressure of the hesitation. The only indication she could provide him with to let him know he could keep going was a nod of her head.
He almost missed it.
He did not even think she would let him pursue down this path.
But she did. Because she was Kagome and she was strong; she was a fighter.
The torture ended and he was finally able to move with her. The pause, the hesitation made his strokes difficult; they were far from being the throes of passion. He let his hands glide to her sides, following the curves of her body. He cupped her bottom, his fingers caressing the cold flesh. She let him touch her, she let him guide her legs until they were secured around his waist. He bent over, his lips brushing her earlobe. "I love you Kagome"
A shiver ran down her spine, it was not his voice but it was his voice. She never heard it sound like that before; dripping with love while a deepness, a darkness echoed through.
"I'll never hurt you."
He wanted to take the memory away; the one of the big bad red eyes. All he wanted to leave her with was pleasure, desire and acceptance. This had to be done on her terms to let her forget all the times her willpower was taken away. Never again would something be done against her wish. Never again would something be taken from her.
She felt the tears form in her eyes. She did not want to cry but the overwhelming feeling in her heart made it hard not to spill tears. Her bottom lip was trembling as she tried to focus on his words, on his touch, on his heart. This was not a monster, this was the man she loved. Her mate. The father of her child. The one she wanted to spend her life with; for better or for worst. If they pulled through this they could get through anything….
If she forgot this, if she forgave… she could pull through anything.
Did she become stronger than this? Was she better than everything that made her fall apart into pieces? Was she stronger than the nightmares that tainted her pure soul?
She was still alive was she not?
He would not take anything away from her again. Not even Sesshomaru. And that was her choice. She wanted him to be him, she wanted him to be himself.
She threw herself against his body, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I trust you," she managed to say with a shaky voice. Kagome was saying it to him but she was also saying it to it. She trusted Sesshomaru to love her, no matter what part of him were inside. And she trusted the beast to respect his promise - which was probably the crazy thing she ever did. Last time, he did not keep his hand of the bargain. This time, she would make sure he would.
She did not deserve to live with a burden and neither did Sesshomaru.
He put his hand on her lower back, supporting her tiny weight. His heart wanted to burst. He felt her heart hammer against his chest while she shook like a leaf in his arms; but it was not out of fear. No, he could tell it was relief. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and pressed gently kisses on her skin as he continued his ministrations. He could feel the heat of her body rising, the stress slowly fading away. He did not know if she would ever get rid of the nightmare but he knew she was stronger than he could ever be.
He did feel one difference though. He was different but in a whole new way.
And he never felt so complete in his life.
-B-
8 hours.
That was how long he watched her sleep. He was fairly convinced the exhaustion was more psychological than it was physical. And he let her sleep. He held her, his arms carefully wrapped around her, protecting her from the outside world. It was meant to be a short visit that turned into a turning point in their life. Though he had to say, he was glad when his eyes returned to the regular amber color.
There was one thing that slightly bothered him; he was still split up.
He did not know what he expected. Was he going to be able to tell the difference? Was it going to be a big show of lights and sparkle? He could not even remember how he got split up in the first place, how his beast got to be its own part of him. He hoped it had not been all for nothing. Yes, they did need this, they did need to take a huge step into putting this behind them but - but he wanted her to get something out of it, to obtain some peace of mind. Anything that would make her life slightly better. She deserved that much after everything it put her through.
Though he was relieved for the moment.
She was calm, her sleep undisturbed. Her heartbeat, her breathing was steady. No nightmares, no regrets. Maybe he was over thinking it, stressing over it way more than she was. Maybe she was okay. She did recently have a near death experience. He inhaled deeply as he brought her closer to his chest. She did not seem to mind as she only cuddled closer to him, a ghost of a smile on her face.
She was no longer sleeping.
"Good…" He turned his head and glanced at the window. "Evening."
He did not even realize how long it had been. At least, he had no worries about their son; he was in safe hands.
She hide her face in his chest and nuzzled her nose against him. "Sorry I fell asleep." Her heart was pounding as the memories rushed in but she felt no regret. She did the right thing and she had no problem with it. She could not say she would forget, that it would never be in her mind, but she did not regret her choice. She picked her own happiness, she also chose to help Sesshomaru.
"You were tired," he simply stated.
After two months away from her, he was happy to just hold her in his arms. And what she went through was very difficult emotionally. He would never hold that against her. He did worry she might not be doing as fine as she was letting it on. He saw the look in her eyes when she woke up, when reality came crashing up on her.
He did not want to ask but he could not ignore the feeling in the pit of stomach. "Are you well?"
Immediately, her head snapped up. Her long black locks tickled his chest as she looked into his eyes. "Sesshomaru, I don't regret it."
"I did not ask if you regret it," He gently reached for her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I asked if you were well."
She offered him the tiniest of smile. "I am."
"If you are not, you can tell me."
"Sesshomaru, it's okay. I wanted to do this." Her expression shifted slightly before she furrowed her eyebrows. "I just don't know if I can trust it." She laid her palm against his chest, his flesh warm beneath her touch. "Do you feel any different?"
He could not hide the truth from. He shook his head. "No."
Irritation flashed through her eyes and she pinched her lips. "Did- did it talk to you?"
"No, and I am uncertain as to how it will take place. Perhaps it is a lengthy process?"
Usually his beast had its own reasoning for doing what he did. Hopefully the delay was because of that and not because it played a trick against Kagome. Although - even if some of its decision only brought pain to Kagome, it usually did it for her own sake - at least that was how the beast saw it in its mind. It wanted to keep them apart because it thought they could not be happy together - not because it wanted to hurt Kagome. It was completely foolish but it was done for her.
"I guess we'll just have to wait."
She was willing to show a bit of patience but it better be truthful. She was sick and tired of her life being some kind of game that was out of her control. What she did, it was her being in charge again and she wanted it to remain that way. She would not let it call the shoots anymore - not for anyone, be it her or Sesshomaru.
He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I love you," he reminded her.
He could not let her forget that. She was a strong woman and some days he wondered if he even deserved her; he could almost understand his beast's hesitation. Kagome was too good for him. And he would love her and cherish her every day. And when he would be one again, he would make sure no more hurt would come to her - at least not from him.
Kagome laid her face flat on his stomach and let her fingers mindlessly play with the small patch of silver fur beneath his navel. "I hope everything's okay with my mom and Kiyoshi." Not that their son was a difficult child but - well it had been a hard couple of months - almost year- for everyone.
"Do you wish to return?"
She shook her head. "I wanna stay here." She popped her lips. "At least a little while longer."
She maintained what she said before, it was best if they both had some time on their own by not sharing the same living space. And it was not forever. Plus, she was beginning to think that perhaps his beast might make an appearance if she was not around - since it disliked her so much now. But she did not want to test that theory just wait. She preferred remaining with him a bit longer before that. She faced her biggest fear and she came out through the other side - stronger. She always thought it would be end of her. But she was in control of her destiny.
If only she could fix her son's problem, everything would finally be right.
But, it seemed the jewel was always going to be a problem in her life. No matter what she did. And it always wanted her to be unhappy. It almost cost her Sesshomaru, it sneaked its way into her son and then - it tried to take away all the things she loved. The jewel was rotten and nothing good could come out of it. It made everything selfish. It fed off desperation.
"He will be fine." He smiled. "He gets it from you."
She frowned. "How did you know I was thinking about him?"
Sesshomaru tangled his fingers in her hair. "I felt it." Her fears and her worries pulsed right through him.
The bond was not right, they were not completely right because he was not whole but a few hours ago, he was and it made a whole lot of differences. He forgot what he was missing, he forgot what it was like to be Sesshomaru. And he did not want to tell her because he was afraid she would think she prevented him from being himself, from being happy. Being with her made him happier than being whole but he could not say he hated everything he felt earlier.
Being youkai was what he was, it was his very nature, his very core. When his beast decided to be its own, it took a huge part of Sesshomaru's life. It took everything that was instinct, all that way what made him a powerful youkai. And no matter how much he changed, that would never alter. He was a youkai and a damn powerful one. And that was okay.
"Do you think our bond will get strong enough for me to feel things?" There were a few times where they connected but she wondered if she would be able to feel the full extend of their bond once he was himself.
"I am not certain."
He hoped so. It was a connection, a never breaking bond. Though nothing could break it even if she could not feel it they way he did.
"I never thought I would be able to do this," she said as she tilted her head to look at him. "I never thought I would over come this." She reached out for his hand and intertwined their fingers together. "I thought it would always be stronger than me. I thought all that was going to happen was a flash of bad memories." But something much better than that took place. "Instead, all I thought about was how much you loved me. How strong I am."
"Nothing will bring you down again."
"I know."
And this was the Kagome he loved, the woman he would spend his life with - and he had no regrets.
"Soon, it will all be over."
And this time, it was not because she would bury the memories or because she was pretend it was all fine. There would be no doubts, no hesitation. Because once Sesshomaru was whole, she would be free forever. And they would start a new life as new people and she could not wait for it to happen.
A new life free of the shackles of the old one. Memories not forgotten but instead of being nightmares they would be lessons.
-B-
A new day. Another day wasted waiting.
Kiyoshi was sleeping, unaware of the terrible burden he carried inside, while Kagome watched him, her hands resting on the edge wooden crib. She spent much more time with Sesshomaru yesterday than she actually intended but it was not a bad thing. After two whole months apart, they did need some alone time. Although, she was glad to get back home to Kiyoshi - and she felt a little bad for keeping him with her. Even if Sesshomaru assured her that he got a lot of alone time with their son during her coma and that she had no reasons to feel bad.
Last night, before going to bed, she called him, hoping he would have some news for her but he had none. Despite her departure, the beast did not try to make contact with him and Sesshomaru was still not whole.
The sun had barely grazed the horizon this morning that the urge to call him at appeared but she controlled herself. If he had news, he would have called her or he would have come over. There was no reason to harass him about it. He was most likely as anxious as her for it to be over, to be himself again.
Instead, she decided to focus herself on another task; how to get rid of the jewel. Although, that would be an impossible task since it could not be destroyed - which she proved by shattering it into a billion she did not look after it, someone would come for it. Youkais were still alive and roaming around the entire planet and such a dangerous weapon could not fall into the hands of the wrong person. No, destroying it was impossible.
But, she could get it out of her son. She was not absolutely sure on how to proceed with that plan but she had faith she would figure it out. For now, it had not harm Kiyoshi, or anyone else, but she was sure it would cause trouble. Granted, it was dormant inside of her for years and it did not do anything but - but now it was quite awake. Especially if she considered the way it tried to trick Sesshomaru to wish upon it. Even Kiyoshi might accidentally make a wish!
She would rather have it back inside of her instead of inside her son. Maybe there was a way to put it back where it used to be? She could deal with the darkness. She proved that to herself yesterday.
"Kagome?"
At the sound of her mother's voice, Kagome turned her head. "Hey mom."
Miyu took that as an invitation to come in and she entered the room. She walked until she reached her daughter's side and then she glanced at her sleeping grandson. "Is he okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just thinking."
"About?"
She sighed. "The jewel."
Miyu frowned. "Has it done anything?"
"No, but I don't trust it," Kagome said as she bent forward to brush Kiyoshi's hair with her fingers.
"I'm sure you'll be able to take care of it."
"I hope so."
Silence installed between them as they watched Kiyoshi sleep. Now that Kagome was thinking about it, there was a certain strangeness. Why was it that the jewel was manifesting itself to Sesshomaru's desire but not Kiyoshi? A child should be much more easily manipulated. Kiyoshi's thoughts could be taken and transformed. He could wish something without even knowing he was wishing for it. And yet, the jewel never once tried to fool him?
What was it about her son that protected him from the jewel?
"How is Sesshomaru?"
Miyu noticed her daughter's and Sesshomaru's expression when they returned late last night. She did not say anything, not wanting to pry into matters that did not concern her. However, she wanted her daughter to know she could tell her anything. Sesshomaru was not always her favourite person but she slowly got to know him and they spent a lot of time together during Kagome's coma. She would never tell her daughter what to do and she would never stop her from pursuing her goals. All she could do was support her.
"Good. He'll be better soon."
Miyu arched an eyebrow but did not say anything. She let Kagome go at her own pace.
"He's gonna be rid of it." She twisted her mouth into a grimace. "Not actually rid of it." No life was not that perfect. "But it won't be able to take control again." Because they were going to be one person - but she did not say that part out loud.
"That's a good thing isn't?"
Kagome nodded. "It is."
"You look happier."
It was not because she was smiling more or even because there was a spark in her eyes. It was simply something about her aura, the way she carried herself around…the way she looked off in the distance. It looked like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Like it did not hurt as much to breathe, to be.
"I am. I got myself back."
Her mom did not need to know why or how. She simply needed to know that Kagome was happy and that her life was her own. That she was a fighter that could make it through the worst storms.
"I'm glad you two are doing better. After everything you went through, you deserve it." And she meant it - for the both of them.
One day she would forget her daughter's sad eyes, the way she came back home in a million pieces. The gash left in her heart after seeing her daughter so broken would heal. It would leave a scar and it would heal. If Kagome was able to love him and see him for who he was, Miyu could do the same thing.
Kagome saw the good in people, she saw light where others saw darkness.
"I think he'll be okay. How about we eat some breakfast with your brother and your grandpa?"
A family breakfast; it had been a while. They had also been worried sick about her while she was in her coma. So much had happened lately that she had lack time for them. They were family - they were her family. The ones who welcomed her with open arms. Even her grandpa - despite the fact that she was mated to youkai… and had a half-youkai son. She smiled as memories of her grandfather throwing sand around flashed in her mind.
"I think that's a good idea," Kagome replied with a smile.
She glanced at her son one more time, concern shining in her eyes, before bending down and kissing him. She would never be far from him again. And she knew he could feel her presence; he would not think he was alone. She tore herself away from him before following her mother downstairs and into the kitchen. Still, he did not leave her mind.
And soon he would be as free as her and Sesshomaru. She would make sure of it.
-B-
Dark colors of orange and yellow were mixing with the dark blue of the sky as the night slowly fell. The moon was shining grey in the top of the sky, the ray of the sun still preventing it from seeming white and pure. Sesshomaru was sitting in his home office, the blue curtains half closed. He was staring at his cellphone but he never dared to pick it up. He almost expected Kagome to call him a bunch of times today, to inform herself about his situation with his beast but she did not.
It was better that way.
Especially since he had no good news to give her. Despite his patience and best prayers, he was still only half of a youkai rather than a whole one. Part of him did not want to see her until the issue was resolved. She poured her heart into her latest action and he hated the way the beast was not rewarding it. Part of him was also fearing that it was nothing more than a dirty trick and he did not like it. Sesshomaru was not a liar and he kept his promises. His beast should be the same way. Were they not one? Or was he going to become a liar when they would merge?
If they merged.
This moment was forever in the making and it was supposed to happen now.
Instead, he was sitting in the dark alone, waiting for it.
He found himself wondering a few times if - if he should call it. Would the beast even respond? Would it anger him?
Sesshomaru was close to not carrying about his beast's feelings. After all, on some days it felt like the beast did not care about anyone. He inhaled deeply before leaning backwards in his chair. Perhaps there no longer was any other option for him? Confrontation was always the way the beast liked it anyway, was it not?
"Will you keep your word?"
Nothing.
And he was not surprised. However, that did not stop him from trying again.
"She did it, she did this and more. She did everything. She stayed." She chose him. Despite all the pain. She decided that love was enough to forgive the worst sins.
"Is she happy?"
Sesshomaru had half-expected his beast to never respond so when the voice echoed in his head, he was almost startled.
"She has been happy for a long time."
"Not when I am around."
"She was happy yesterday."
Yes, some tears were shed but he believed that most of them were of relief and happiness. Perhaps she was afraid at the beginning but it did not last; she did not let fear control her and she proved it. "She did what you asked of her."
"She did."
"Then what more do you need? You made a promise."
Once again, his beast fell silent and that angered Sesshomaru.
"You cannot take this away from her. She proved she could be happy despite your existence." He inhaled deeply, his nostrils flaring. "You have to honor your word."
"Do you want it?"
"Do I want what?"
"Me to be a part of you."
"Yes," he rapidly answered.
"Because of her? Or for you?"
"Both."
He realized today that it would make them both happy. She would not have to worry about those red eyes and he would never be split in two without control of his body again.
"I will be you. You will be me."
"We are the same."
"Not completely."
This was insane. The beast was apart of him before they were apart. It could not be its own thing, it could not be a whole new personality.
"You will not swallow me whole and drown me."
Sesshomaru never saw it as such. He simply thought that the beast was more instinctive than he was. Did he mean that Sesshomaru was going to be like it? No, that was not going to happen. He would be the same person he was. He would be the person that Kagome deserved. Not an animal.
"I am you. The urges you ignore, the darkness you crave. Will you make her happy?"
And for once, it almost made sense. The way the beast pushed her away, the way it was trying to shut itself off. Were those instincts, that darkness, the reason why he hurt Kagome in the first place? Could it be that once he would be whole, he could hurt her again?
"You are a sheep. You'll be different."
That thought terrified him. Kagome did it thinking she loved him. Would she love who he would be after he merged? He could not be that different could it? His heart was pummelling and his blood was racing. Could it be that who he was now was not who he was supposed to be? Did he simply grow to be half of himself or was his beast simply messing with his mind, trying to make Sesshomaru fight against the merge, against Kagome?
His head was spinning.
"Can you make her happy if you can hurt her? Can she make you happy?"
"She will always make me happy." But he did not answer the other question.
"Can you make her happy?"
"I will never hurt her." It was half of an answer.
"Never?"
"You made her a promise and you will respect it. I do not break my word and neither will you."
A chuckle echoed in his head.
"There is no going back."
They wanted her, they always wanted her. They could not be two again because there would no need to be split up. They would be two halves making one Sesshomaru. Sharing control, sharing needs and desires. Most of all, they would be sharing experiences and memories. They would be one person. Together.
A pulse traveled from his heart to his brain and for a moment he felt like he was being electrocuted. The shock sent him on the floor.
The impulse of the shock traveled all the way to Kagome. He could tell. The beast was calling her. Why was it calling her?
"What are you doing?"
"What you both wanted."
For the first time, Sesshomaru was a little terrified. He did not like the serenity in the beast's voice, he did not like how it was just that simple. Nothing was ever simple.
Suddenly a darkness flashed through his mind and his brain hurt. Jolts were traveling through his body and he found himself glued to the floor. He had no strength and he could not even manage to think. His brain was ready to explode and it was as though someone was torturing him from inside his head. Was this it?
He felt himself being rip to shred, thoughts shifting around, feelings pulsing. He felt like a stranger in his own body. He did not like it. He twisted himself around, as if it was going to free him from the pain but it did not do anything. He clenched his hands into fists, his claws digging into his palms and drawing blood. The metallic scent of the crimson liquid did not help with his confused state of mind.
Sesshomaru was like a project being rebuilt from scratch. He felt parts of himself being swallowed away and never to be found again. It was terrifying but the silent scream never left his lips. He could no longer move, at all, not even to free himself from the pain. He was stuck in an abyss of darkness and it was winning. He could not fight it, he could not win this. All he could do was lay there while it took over. There was no longer another voice in his head; instead, he was completely alone.
But its last sentence rang through his mind as he let the darkness took over and let his world become a blank.
What you both wanted.
-B-
- 93
- 94
- 95
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Blood Stained