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Must You Be So Difficult?	By : GizmoTrinket Category: InuYasha > Yaoi - Male/Male > InuYasha/Sessh?maru > InuYasha/Sessh?maru Views: 7732 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 8
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Inuyasha fandom that someone else does. Nor do I make any profit from anything I do.

Chapter List
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Must You Be So Difficult? - Inuyasha     - By GizmoTrinket (Found on AO3, AFF)

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-Story Summary:

Inu(Seme) x Sess(Uke) (Mostly.) Slight Mir x San

Angst. Romance. Eventual happy ending. Angst,(light)Bond,H/C,HJ,Inc,M/M,MCD,MPreg,Oral,Rim,Solo,Violence, A healthy dose of artistic license.

Characters seem OOC for the first 10ish chapters. (Everything will be explained in time.)

After a dark turn of events where Inuyasha begs Sesshomaru to kill Kagome things continue to go downhill. The inability to control mental links is the least of Inuyasha’s problems.

This is the story from the Inuyasha's POV.

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-Chapter notes:

I'm not going to lie to you, this chapter sucks. It's all angst. Someone gets suicidal. Major character death. I have NOTHING against any of the characters. I think they all have their own strengths and weaknesses. I don't mean to bash anyone. I created realistic (to me) circumstances that draw out negative traits to further my own plot. Actually, I love each character and I feel bad putting them in these situations. The story gets much better as it goes on. I promise. 14 pages.

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-How to read this story:

---- Section break.

"...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.

'...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.

^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.

~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.

~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.

~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

/...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.

^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.

~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.

                + Always.
                +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.

                Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).
                External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.
                Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.
                Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

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-A/N Also, warnings (longest author's note ever!):

No beta. First fan-fiction warning. I have written books before though. However, writing those usually involves editing... I tried but I'm writing this chapter while I'm depressed, or manic, or both. Basically I did my best and you can tell me where I made a mistake. I love constructive criticism. This has been officially edited. See end notes.

This takes place after the manga so spoiler warning.

Japanese warning. Context should be enough to figure everything out. If not use Google. Spelling of Japanese words may be off (I'm helpful! - Hopefully one day I'll edit these.).

There is an inordinate amount of swearing. Like, a lot.

I will try my damndest to keep the characters in character. If someone is acting out of character think of the situation. I may interpret events, facial expressions and words differently than you. So what I think of in character could be totally out of character for you. Don't forget that there are a million translations of this story in English and I can't read a lick of Japanese. Words have connotations. Also for the first, like, ten chapters the characters will appear to be OOC. It's just because you don't know everything that happened to them, yet.

This is a lemon. Or, it will be. Eventually. I will NOT warn you when things get steamy. Please, for the love of God, only read this if you're an adult.

The main characters are Sesshomaru and Inuyasha. Yes, they will have sex. Yes, it will be consensual. Yes, they will enjoy it. Immensely. Yes, they are half-brothers. Yes, they are both male. Yes, one of them may get pregnant. I will try to be as rational as possible. But, c'mon, a lot of shit in the manga doesn't make sense so cut me some slack.

Finally, I'm not very creative. So I steal a lot of stuff from other stories. Not plot line. Just, things. Don't bitch at me about it. Just try to enjoy the story.

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Chapter 1 - Memories

'I don't know where I am. I don't even care anymore. I can feel the change coming. I have mere minutes and I'll be human again. Where was I when I last became human? Was it that time in the tree? No, that was winter. Or maybe behind the waterfall? That was during the summer. Is it still summer? I can't tell. If I'm in the south it could very well be fall for all I know. If I'm in the north it's certainly summer because the field I'm in has flowers.

'There's something rustling the bushes behind me. I should at least move my head to see what it is but I don't have the energy.' I fell backwards and didn't even attempt to break my fall. 'Maybe if I'm lucky it will have heard me and will finish me off. I don't think I can even lift my arm to defend myself anyway.' I opened my mouth so I didn't have to smell whatever's coming for me.

The change hits me then. 'Good.' I close my mouth and my eyes. 'I don't have to worry about sensing anything anymore.'

Bad. Without anything to distract me I start remembering.

Naraku dying. Kagome being sent back to her time after the wish is made. Rin's awaking of reiki. 'Nearly burnt my bastard brother's fucking new hand off when he scared her.' I didn't even have energy to smirk at that memory. Sango and Miroku's brats tugging on my ears. Three years of quiet suffering as my friends move on. Kagome returning. Planning a wedding.

'Myoga. Kami, Myoga. Fucking, cock sucking, shit eating, kami-sama damned Myoga. I shouldn't blame him, it's my fault after all, but he... he... had bad timing.'

I sighed.

-----

"Inuyasha-sama can't have pups."

One fucking sentence. 'No wonder everyone hates half-breeds.'

Kagome understood instantly and started rambling something about inter-species breeding producing sterile offspring.

I didn't care what the reason was only that I was, once and for all, proven a freak. But no, it got worse.

"I don't know about all that, normally hanyou can reproduce. But Inuyasha-sama hasn't had a heat cycle and he's over 200. Even counting the years he was sealed he should have had one ages ago. It's probably because Izayori-sama was a miko. We didn't even think it was possible for them to reproduce. The reiki and yokai energies should have canceled each other out. If anything Inuyasha-sama should have been born a (normal boring weak) human."

Rin spoke up then. "It's because of the kotodama no nenju. It's sealing most of Inuyasha's reiki and yokai."

Silence followed that announcement.

Then an argument about whether or not the beads should be removed ensued. Rin was adamant that without removing them I won't age, at all, and would remain at odds with myself. She said my ill temper and rashness were results of my body being at war with myself. Once the beads were removed I'd have my heat and mellow out.

We'd never talked about removing the beads before. The others had commented on it. I's assumed Kagome would when we got married.

-----

The fact that she enjoyed smashing me into the dirt to get her way always escaped me.

The voice was the one who pointed that out to me.

'Enjoyed probably wasn't the right word. At least, it wasn't during the quest. I think. Maybe. Fuck, I don't even know anymore.' But I still believed that she would've removed them and it was my fault she didn't.

-----

Kagome wouldn't have any of it. She insisted that she needed some sort of control over me in case I "went all yokai" on them. Miroku pointed out that even if I did I had never once tried to kill her and all they would need to do was to get the sword.

Keade speculated that I wouldn't even have that problem after the beads were off. After all, I didn't have the sword before and I never went crazy.

That was all fine. Everything made sense and everyone was rational.

I walked up behind her and laid my hand on her shoulder, (The most intimate contact I'd initiated since she came back. She was overly aggressive in that area and it freaked me out.) "It wouldn't hurt to try, right? I mean, we could always put them back on if we need to."

She refused.

She cried.

She shrieked obscenities and threw things. Reiki swirled in the air and I was thrown back through the window partially purified. She screamed things I didn't understand. After the first five "osuwari" I lost consciousness.

The last thought I had was thanking the kami that Shippo had left for training that morning and Sango and her kids were in their home, asleep.

When I woke up Keade, Miroku and Rin were bandaging each other's hands.

I was groggy, mostly human and in severe pain. "What the fuck happened?"

Everyone looked away.

I tried to sit up but I couldn't. I fell back and my vision went black. I rolled to my side and vomited. After the dry heaves stopped, or maybe even before they did, I passed out.

I was awake again. My yokai was returning at an alarming rate and I could feel something else too. Healing me while my yokai focused on returning my strength. The two forces clashed when I tried to fight the new... feeling, energy-whatever.

Rin put a cool towel on my forehead and told me to stop fighting with myself. It was my reiki, freed after so long fighting the kotodama no nenju healing me and adjusting to work together with my yokai.

I thought it was some crazy sleep dream. 'Reiki and yokai in one being? At the same time? Fever dreams never make any sense.'

The light woke me up. Or maybe it was the screaming. I had a horrible headache and the fucking screeching wasn't helping any. I stormed out of the hut, the light blinding my eyes. "Will you shut the fuck up? Damn it! My ears are going to bleed."

I blinked a couple times to see my friends. Sango was restraining Kagome while trying to be careful of her pregnant stomach. Rin was holding on to the staff Sesshomaru got for her on one of his bi-weekly visits and chanting. Miroku stood next to her holding his staff and looking at me like I was some sort of crazed zombie escaped from one of Souta's video games.

Everyone just stared at me.

"What?"

... Slience.

"I swear to the kami if you don't start talking..." I didn't have anything to finish my threat with. 'I won't get you firewood in the winter? I won't go hunting when Miroku can't score us some food or cash for dubious work?' The only things I could think of weren't exactly threatening.

They were just staring. I looked down, 'Maybe the ningen stripped me while I was sick? My chest was bare but I had on my hakama and sported no bleeding wounds. A few reiki burns around my neck but nothing serious. I noticed a purple mark peeking above my loosly tied hakama. What? A stripe? At my hip?' "What the fuck?" I almost untied what was probably the only thing I was wearing but I stopped my hands just short of the knot. I could find out later. I was too naked already.

Kagome took that moment of distraction to stomp on Sango's foot and elbow her in the stomach. Sango cried out in pain and Kagome crashed into a barrier. I ended up empty handed on the other side. I blinked a couple of times trying to figure out what just happened.

^'Bitch hurt pack. Kill bitch.'^

"What the fuck?" I shook my head. 'Did I just hear a voice?'

Sango fell backwards through the barrier and before I could think she was in my arms. I moved my arm to support her and my other hand over her stomach. Miroku struck me with his staff. I ignored him. Some instinct I had was determined to see if her pup (wait, kid) was ok. It was writhing in pain. I whimpered low in my throat and reached out to it mentally. 'There, the arm is shoved into the rib and the rib is damaged.' I closed my eyes and blocked out everything else. Miroku's beating, Sango's shoving and crying. I focused on the task on hand. Protecting my pack. The new energy I had flowed out of my hand and reached out to the pup (kid, damn it) soothing it while fixing the damage. Its energy was similar to mine. It caressed me as a thank you and retreated. I took that as a sign to return my reiki too. When I opened my eyes my other senses returned as well.

I set Sango down and ran a little (How am I already down the street?) to sneeze. 'Fucking ofudas.' There must have been six of them burning on my back and one on the side of my face. I ripped off all the ones I could reach. "Fuck! Miroku what the hell? I save your brat and this is the thanks I get? Thank the kami that this new one has better manners. Try not to" -sneeze- "Damn it!" -sneeze- "fuck him up." A new smell hit me. 'Burnt hair. '

I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth in my rage but I do remember smacking the hentai with his own staff into the wall of a nearby hut. Not hard enough to cause any damage but hard enough to get my point across.

Then he went through the wall.

I blinked. "Fuck." 'What the fuck is going on?!'

The villagers and Keade were nowhere to be seen. I could hear both Kagome shouting expletives and Rin chanting but I ignored them. I had to go see if Miroku was ok.

Suddenly I was laying him next to a groaning Sango. 'When did I move?' I could smell his blood. It smelled...weird. Good, but bad. Like him with salt and something dirty and something holy. 'Odd.' I wanted to lick it. 'Odder.'

He groaned.

'Oh, right.' I shook my head to collect my thoughts and reached out with my hand and reiki. I had no idea how I knew how to do this stuff but I didn't have time to ponder it now. 'Damn. Broke his skull. Didn't mean to do that. Fuck, his arm too. Lots of bruises and a few splinters.' I took the large ones out. Sango was making noise next to me but I didn't focus on it. I had to move the houshi's arm so it would heal properly. My reiki told his powers 'Was it reiki too? It feels different. Like his kid's but not the same. Not as pure. Not evil... I'm getting distracted.' to focus on numbing the pain in his arm while I worked. Once the bone was repaired we moved on to his head and the worst of the bleeding wounds. His powers nudged me then as if to say "I've got it from here, you're tired and have other things to take care of."

It took me longer to come out of my trance. I groaned and rubbed my head. 'Fuck a headache. But my pack is safe.'

^'Not safe. Bitch wants to kill them. Pup with powers failing. Need to kill bitch to keep pack safe. Let me take over. I kill faster.'^

I could feel something moving in my yokai. I didn't know what it was but I didn't allow it to have control.

Rin whimpered and swayed. Kagome was doing something with her hands. It was hurting Rin.

A feral growl erupted from between my teeth. My vision glowed red. I felt the new voice thing merge with me.

Suddenly I had Kagome pinned. Each one of her arms was under one of my knees and my hand was putting pressure on her throat. Not much but enough to show her I meant business. "Explain." I demanded.

Rin fell. I whined when she hit the ground but I had to take care of the threat to my pack before I could help her. I didn't smell blood.

Kagome's lips were blue and she was flailing her legs. 'Oops. Why the fuck am I so strong all of a sudden?'

After she finished coughing she spit reiki infused saliva in my face. "Bastard!"

I flinched but it didn't hurt, physically. I tore off the sleeve of her shirt and sliced it into a rag to wipe off my face. My eyes narrowed. She was channeling reiki along her skin but I couldn't feel it. My reiki was creating a barrier. "Explain why you hurt our pack." I growled and bared my fangs.

I could feel the eyes of the others on us. Rin too. 'Good, she is ok. Based on her breathing tired, but ok.'

Kagome looked at me with nothing but hate. She poured all her aura into burning me. It was tainted. Evil.

My yokai fed my almost completely expended reiki in defense.

^'We need food.'^

It also created a barrier around her so she couldn't infect my pack. She was wiggling out from my knees so I held her wrists in my hands and kept them spread so she couldn't concentrate her power.

"You cheated on me. First with Kikyo then with half the village while I was gone. Didn't even think about me did you? I gave up everything when I came back. But you don't care. All you want from me is to remove the beads." She cried.

I looked at the others, mystified. Sango smacked her hand over her face and Miroku shook his head sadly.

'This is my fault. She didn't trust me to be faithful. After Kikyo I couldn't blame her. I never saw the signs so I couldn't reassure her. I'm just not that bright.'

That weird new consciousness in my head snorted derisively.

"You stupid bitch! You've been manipulated. I told you it wasn't true. That they were lying to get you out of the way. Even Sesshomaru-sama said you were an idiot for believing them. I told you not to take their presents. But did you listen? No! Your aura has been tainted with your and their hatred. You nearly killed Keade when she was trying to get the evil tea out of your hut. But did you listen? No. You drank it. YOU DRANK IT! And now it's poisoned you. Now the only way to clean your aura is if you let it be cleansed. WE TOLD YOU THIS!" Rin was crying.

My instinct to console her was overridden by the need to keep this crazy bitch away from my pack.

I shook my head to clear it. 'Why the fuck am I thinking of Kagome like this all of a sudden?'

^'Focus.'^

Sango cradled Rin while Kagome screamed some of the craziest shit I have ever heard - and I was fighting Naraku. It wasn't all coherent, so clearly she was losing her mind. I could get the gist of it though. She came back when she was done with high school and didn't fit in anymore or have any good job prospects because of her grades while she was fifteen and the other guys were boring, she couldn't get over me so she came back to marry me.

'Ok, I knew that and it was both flattering and a little insulting, but she'd always been a little different. Maybe it was normal in her time.'

She had expected me to propose right away and it made her angry that I hadn't.

'I actually never did, I just said we should wait until we were married when she tried to do more than kiss and she started planning a wedding- not that I was opposed to it.'

She had to have miko training...

'I was happy. If she came back for me then she loved me and I didn't want her to be defenseless if I had to leave her alone for any reason and she could help protect our pups.' (Keade had said that she wouldn't lose her powers if she wasn't pure citing kuro mikos and monks as examples.)

...because I didn't want her as a weakling. She needed to prove that she was stronger than Kikyo so I'd love her.

'I already love her. I don't care how strong she is.'

Things got less rational after that after that. Something about a stable of whores and only being with her so she could release me from the kotodama no nenju so I could marry one of them. One of the many that I'd already knocked up. Apparently Myoga was in on the whole thing. Fighting over tea-

'Was that before or after Myoga? There were incidents before but the ones I wasn't there for she didn't want to talk about.'

-and trying to keep her friends away from her.

'I wasn't even aware she had friends outside our pack, the village girls seemed mean to her.'

How I wouldn't sleep with her because I was always in someone else's bed.

'Hell, I hated sleeping near her because she said osuwari in her sleep. A lot. She slept in my hut, in my bed. I slept in a tree.'

I didn't understand much else except that next she tried to kill me. Then escaping whatever held her while I was healing and trying to kill me again.

I think she said the word osuwari at least 200 times. The first few times I cringed out of reflex. I hadn't noticed the accursed thing was gone. 'That explains the bandages on everyone's hands the first time I woke up.'

When she realized she couldn't move, couldn't purify me and couldn't sit me she just started screaming.

Keade gathered Rin into their hut and Sango hid behind Miroku as he tried to purify Kagome's aura. He couldn't get past my barrier though.

'I swear to the kami my ears are bleeding.' Her screaming made her throw up but she didn't stop. Even when veins in her eyes popped. It made me feel sick. Miroku reached out to my reiki and I allowed him though my barrier. 'Anything to help her. I love her.'

As soon as his energy touched hers she attacked him. His eyes started to droop and I could see the evil spreading.

I cut him off and purified him before it could hurt him. I was tired. All of my yokai was being converted to reiki just to keep her from attacking me. I could feel my strength waning and my claws becoming nails. 'It's no use. She's too far gone.'

^'Can't save her. Threat to pack. Must kill.'^ The voice was just a whisper.

I sobbed. It was true. Tears came to my eyes and blurred the sight of her vomiting blood as she damaged her throat with her continued screaming and the acids from her stomach. 'I have to save her. I have to. There must be something.' But I was weak. Too weak to do anything but rip out her throat and I only had human teeth now. 'I can't ask Miroku to...' I shuddered.' ...do it nor could I ask Sango. It would fuck them up.'

Black spots came into my vision.

"Idiot."

Yokai nudged me. Familiar yokai. Supporting me. It nudged me again.

'Sesshomaru.' I allowed it in without thinking. Allowed his yokai to flow in my muscles. My reiki wasn't happy with the unfamiliar energy but allowed it.

~'Foolish. You should have killed her immediately.'~

I didn't even have the energy to ask why Sesshomaru was in my head. Or why I could feel his exasperation. I felt my claws come back but my fangs and superior senses weren't returned.

"Well I know that now. I love her, idiot, so I had to try everything. But she's a threat to my pack. I haveta kill her." I had the distinct feeling that he could feel me roll my eyes.

~'You find this distasteful.'~ He was curious.

"Duh. I haveta bite out her throat and I don't want any part of her in me. 'Cuz, ya know... the evil." I sent him my frustration and my inability to mentally damage my pack by asking any of them to do it. ~'Plus it would be an unnecessarily long and painful death with these fucking human teeth as weapons.'~

It took him longer to process this than I thought it would. He moved rather slowly to roughly shove the slayer in the tent. The monk just looked at the dai-yokai resignedly and nodded.

I converted some of his yokai to reiki to protect the bastard.

I felt his eyebrow rise and the unspoken question.

"I don't want you to get contaminated. Yer evil enough. Bastard. Make it quick if the houshi is watching."

"Who said this Sesshomaru would do anything? She is your pack and therefore your problem."

He tried to hide all his emotions and just send me arrogant contempt but I felt that he would kill her for me- if... ~'Something. If I ask properly? Maybe.'~

I rolled my eyes. "So you're admitting that Rin is my pack?"

I converted more yokai to keep up the barriers. Kagome was weakening. ~'Thank the kami she stopped screaming.'~

Sesshomaru growled mentally.

~'Arrogant bastard.'~ If I wanted his help I had to cede something. "Sesshomaru" I ground my teeth and tried not to growl "-sama, I cannot end her life and there is no way to save her. Please," ~'Oh, kami that was physically painful.'~ "help me protect our packs." I needed to get that out of my head. I thought at him, ~'Good enough? 'Cuz that's all your're going to get. Also, I hate you.'~ but didn't voice. I needed his help and didn't need to spoil the effort I'd already put forth.

I had to bite back a laugh as he snorted aloud while preening in his head. Then I bit my lip so hard blood ran down my lip as his annoyance and mortification of being caught doing something undignified came through the... link or whatever. Then I felt something fleeting as he scented my blood and the link broke. He wasn't in my head or supplying yokai anymore.

"Please Sesshomaru-sama." The monk pleaded on his hands and knees. "I don't want her to suffer any longer."

Keeping Sesshomaru's yokai behind a barrier was much, much harder when he wasn't linked with me. Instead of biting my lip with amusement I shredded it in concentration. I didn't feel any pain but copious amounts of blood was pouring down my chin, neck and dripping onto Kagome's clothes. I unconsciously let out a whimper as I felt my body weaken.

My eyes were shut but I still felt the moment Kagome went still below me. Her aura started to dissipate and I rolled off her keeping her and Sesshomaru's barriers in place but dropping mine. I could smell her blood and it was worse when it wasn't mixed with bile. I rolled onto the side not facing her and breathed though my mouth. At the same time I recognized my pain. 'Stupid lip. Whatever, I've had worse.'

Sesshomaru smacked me with his bound yokai. I grabbed hold of him as he... fed and wordlessly asked me to remove the barrier.

~'It is so fucking weird that I can just know what he wants.'~ I didn't have the energy or willpower to pretend to be polite anymore so I just told him what I wanted him to do. "I can still feel the evil. Melt her and the ground around her with your poison until I tell you to stop. Then have the monk, Keade and Rin purify the area."

~'You're being paranoid.'~

I could feel that a small part of him was worried though. I assumed it was for Rin and for some reason that pissed me off. "Just shut up and do it. I don't want to take any risks. And do it fast fucker 'cuz I'm exhausted." I didn't bother opening my eyes, my nose was working fine and I didn't need those images in my head.

Amazingly, he did what I told him. I felt the evil and it disappeared as she did. When I was sure there was nothing left I released both barriers.

Sesshomaru huffed in my head and fed me more yokai so I could move.

I could only speculate on his reasons but I guessed he didn't want to touch the filthy half-breed. I shoved his yokai away. "I got it. You deserve a thanks so thanks I guess." I stumbled into Keade's hut and fell over into the corner fast asleep.

-----

'Why the fuck did he act like that?'

It was surreal. We hadn't said one word to each other since he dropped off the pup. And it was more of a demand that we take her and a threat that we protect her than a conversation.

Other than that time Kagome called him brother I never even saw him when he came. I replayed that scene in my head. 'That was fucking weird and wrong.'

-----

The night I left it was raining and dark. 'Close to the new moon.' I noted absently. 'Not the best time to leave but...' I didn't want to stay in a village that killed my intended mate and I couldn't look at my friends without seeing pity in their eyes.

I had suppressed both my yokai and reiki and pretended to be weak. I only ate enough so they wouldn't complain. I pretended to sleep a lot. Mostly to avoid the commiseration.

Sango, Miroku and their brats would revive the slayers village. They'd already talked with Kohaku about it. Rin was going to leave with Sesshomaru the next time he came. Keade pointed out as many of the culprits as she could and the village headman punished them. Didn't know how, don't care. 'Doesn't matter anyway. Punishing them can't change the fact that Kagome is gone.' Both Rin and Sango begged me to go with them, either of them, but I told them I needed to stay with Keade. Not everyone was caught and I didn't want anything to happen to her.

True, believable. Because she was sick. I tried to cure her when no one was around and she was asleep but I couldn't. I even went to my hut to get Kagome's healing books to see if there was anything I could do. From what I could see, and I read all of them, twice, she had cancer and it had spread. The cancer cells were too close to her natural cells and my reiki couldn't tell them apart. There was no point to further healing attempts. I supplemented her reiki to block the pain. We never spoke but I knew that she knew what I was doing.

After a few days Miroku's family left. I snuck out when I felt Sesshomaru coming. He was still at least a day away.

I left a note that said I was going out to hunt for Rin and Keade, suppressed everything and ran. I didn't pay attention to where I was running. I didn't care. Every time I could sense anything that wasn't mindless I ran the other direction. I couldn't sense them as far as I could sense Sesshomaru but maybe that was because I was getting weaker. I sheared off all my hair and buried it so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore but it grew back before the sun set. I didn't eat. I only drank when I was thirsty. My healing was impossible. Didn't bother trying to jump off a cliff or anything after my spine broke and I lost two thirds of my blood fighting a nest of snake yokai. The villagers came to thank me, or kill me. I wasn't sure which but I didn't want to smell, see or fight them so I literally dragged myself into a bush to hide until they were gone.

-----

I didn't have the energy to wince at my memories. 'Funny how the bad ones stick around while the good ones fade.'

I sighed.

'Which brings me to this field. I'm actually kind of glad that anything kept healing. I deserve all this suffering. Eventually I'll run out of energy and something will eat me.

'Took me forever to get used to my new senses and my new strength.' I didn't bother trying to learn abilities, they would either come naturally when necessary or the voice would teach me. 'Thing wouldn't shut up about anything. Ever. It was annoying.'

The voice was quiet on human nights. Usually it demanded that I see my pack and make sure they were ok. It also wanted Sesshomaru. It was REALLY adamant that we-I should find him. As I got weaker it got enough control to herd me toward the western lands. Wouldn't tell me why either. I figured as we-I got weaker it wanted the person who fed us-me (sigh) yokai because I refused to eat. Whenever I sensed or smelt my bastard half-brother I ran as fast and as far as I could away. 'Fucking annoying.'

Also, the voice hated Kagome. It said she was the one who silenced him and would have killed him if not for the reiki. It liked that she was an alpha-bitch and collected our pack but was spiteful that she used the beads, not only to make him weak to which I argued she didn't know and he acknowledged. (Defending Kagome was the only time I interacted with him for anything other than physical and spiritual stuff and he forced those. I just obeyed whenever I felt like it.) But also to punish us unreasonably and humiliate us in front of our pack. I couldn't argue with that. She was young, I was at war with myself and a right bastard half the time, mostly to her. Funny, we wouldn't have argued, as much, without the beads. He would have recognized her as a mate, true mate, or friend. Without my... whatever... inner... yokai... or something voice I was relying only on human feelings for mating and they made no sense. 'Not that I know anything about mating. Everything I know came from that voice and I wasn't always listening.

'Huh, I hear Rin. I must finally be dying. Thank kami-sama. Can't understand what she's saying though. Why the hell am I hearing Sesshomaru? Fuck, must be going to hell. Well I'm not technically human so it only makes sense. Kinda hoped being decent there at the end would save me. Stupid.' The grass was rustling. 'How did Rin end up in hell? She was even nicer and purer than Kagome. Oh kami-sama, did someone get her when I left? Damn, I feel really guilty now.' I didn't have the breath to sigh. Everything started to fade out. I saw the light of my brain cells dying. 'Must not be breathing anymore. Maybe my heart stopped. Won't be too long now.' I waited.

The light faded.

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End Chapter notes:

This is version 2.0. For the original (published in January 2016) please msg me. The first version I wrote while in a manic episode and the words didn't come out quite right.

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Thank you:

naturechild02 on DA who gave me the idea to change the formatting to make mind-speak more noticeable. You can find her on twitter: @authormkrepps

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Editing notes:

Self Edited 1/31/16.
Notes: O_O C'mon son, you're using Word. How did you have that many misspelled words?!

Self Edited 2/5/16.
Notes: >_< Changed formatting per request. That was a giant pain in the ass but it was worth it.

Self Edited on Paper 2/13/16.
Notes: Expanded multiple sections. Edited formatting. Changed several word choices/sentences to be more accurate.

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Author Notes:

If anyone knows of a pdf site I can upload this story to I can add color coding to further help with any confusion about who's speaking please msg me.

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Disclaimer:

I don't own anything. Well, actually I own a lot of shit. Some of it is pretty cool. All of it is worth next to nothing. I really don't own anything that is in the Inuyasha universe. I kinda own this plot and all OC that come with it. No profit is made from this little gem. But, due to the nature of bi-polar I probably won't finish it. So... yeah. I don't care if you want to finish it if I haven't updated in over a year.
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Must You Be So Difficult?