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Reviews for Unspoken Power

By : karlaslusher
  • From ANON - smurfsicle on September 21, 2005
    do you beta? ..thanks for the advice :) and thanks for reading and reviewing!
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  • From ANON - Tygerlily [Not Signed In] on September 20, 2005
    Interesting, but you need a beta reader. To start you really need to break up your dialogue and descriptive paragraphs a bit more.

    Example One


    "Hello, higura.... oh my. Father, we have a visitor!" The woman stood aside, slightly paled at the sight of the rainsoaked person standing before her. "Come inside, please. Here, let me take that and hang it to dry." Mrs. Higurashi was allowed to slip the cloak from the stranger's shoulders only to be shocked when she was met with the answer to her next question.

    This paragraph [especially the larger ones] would be easier to read if it was broken up like this.

    "Hello, higura.... oh my. Father, we have a visitor!" The woman stood aside, slightly paled at the sight of the rainsoaked person standing before her.

    "Come inside, please. Here, let me take that and hang it to dry." Mrs. Higurashi was allowed to slip the cloak from the stranger's shoulders only to be shocked when she was met with the answer to her next question.


    End of Example One


    Also, simple words are misspelled. Like:

    rainsoaked

    It should be:

    rain-soaked or rain soaked


    Simple corrections like those would really make your story much more enjoyable to read. You might want to look into joining up with Adultfanfiction.net's beta reader yahoo group. It really makes it easy to find a beta reader that would work best with you.
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  • From ANON - smurfsicle on September 20, 2005
    :D yay thank yous..u could have read it tho :P
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  • From ANON - Christen on September 20, 2005
    I didnt read it.. but here is your damn thing.
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