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Reviews for Got to Love the Help

By : ImmortalWolf
  • From ANON - Jujueve on December 08, 2014
    I`m actually curious to see where this is going. Please continue.

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  • From ANON - Skylar on February 15, 2014
    I enjoyed the chapter the third wife's a coniving one no? I await the next chapter.
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  • From ANON - Kat on September 02, 2013
    Good story so far you started it off really well can't wait to read more
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  • From ANON - jade_san_star on August 10, 2013
    This story isn't bad so far. I'm curious to see what direction this fic is heading, do continue and just be a bit careful with the grammar :). I'll be expecting to see updates soon ^_~
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  • From ANON - beautifulstorm1991 on August 05, 2013
    This is a wonderful beginning to a story. I do think you should go back over again and redo the grammar or get a beta reader but other than that i can tell this story is going somewhere good. I can't wait for the next chapter!
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  • From GossamerSilverglow on August 04, 2013
    Oh, it’s fan fiction. The story I requested you review is an original, I hope you don’t mind. Anyhow, onto the review:

    “Kagome walked out of a small cabin that her family and her were renting from her employer.” As introductions go this seems pretty bland. There’s nothing wrong with it, but you need to snag a potential reviewers attention. You might want to consider starting with some type of action or if that’s not an option try reconstructing the first sentence. Like this: “Kagome walked out of the small log cabin her family was renting from her employer.” See how I removed unnecessary words. Be wary about getting too wordy because there’s a difference between that and being descriptive.

    “Her mother worked in the laundry, brother worked with the gardens at the estate, and she cleaned and took care of a large estate that is owned by Taiyoukais’ family.” You’re listing with this sentence. Since the reader can’t see what’s going on in your head you have to be descriptive. You don’t want to list but show. As I read further I notice that there’s more ‘listing’ than showing. I know it can be hard to sometimes tell the difference, so I’ll show you…*_-.

    Here’s one of your sentences: “She bowed slightly to the chef, who looked at her a little while she walked through the kitchen.”

    Here’s my revision of it “She bowed to the chef, warily shifting her eyes up to exam him. When he acknowledged her show of respect, she straightened, and with another nod, continued her walk through the kitchen.”

    I didn’t change much, but the addition of the facial expression helps it flow and makes it seem less stiff. It makes Kagome seem more real and multi dimensional too.

    “InuYasha, we are to throw a party for your brother,” Tasha said, she turned and looked at Kagome, “you, go get his room ready.” There should be a period after said. A new line for ‘she turned.’ Capitalize the ‘s’ in ‘she.’ Place another period after Kagome and capitalize the ‘y’ in ‘you.’

    “…he was a very rich man and if you got in his way he would remove you from equation, which is why she was working this crappy job.” This is a good opportunity to give examples and descriptions. You could use words like menacing, terrifying, smug, smirk, sneer…I included facial expressions because you can’t forget that you’re writing about people. Including expressions will make the people more real and give the reader a feel for the story.

    Eep! So, my InuYasha ships are Sess/Rin and Kagome/InuYasha. I usually stick firmly to those, but since this is my first Sess/Kagome you hold the weight of me liking this couple in your hands!! But no pressure. *_-

    “She hauled all the dirty linens down the hall, but was stopped b*y* InuYasha looking at her with lust filled eyes.” Another sentence showing how Kagome feels about those ‘lust filled eyes’ would add more sustenance to this sentence. You could even make that sentence shorter with the use of some better words. Try this: “She hauled the dirty linens down the hall, but was stopped b*y* InuYasha, lust glinting in his eyes.” Not a big change, but it’s smoother and less of a mouthful.

    “Kagome *stiffened and* backed up *clutching the laundry basket until her knuckles turned white*, but *the swift movement caused her to trip over her own feet* and *she* fell backwards.” The changes I made are within * *.

    “No, I won’t lose it, Mom don’t worry I work my ass off to pay off dad’s debt” she growled out.” With this sentence you properly capped the ‘M’ in ‘Mom’ but neglected to do so with the ‘d’ in ‘Dad.’ Since you’re using it like a name it should be

    “Sesshomaru looked up from the crowd and caught her glaze.” *gaze

    “Thanks, you have too?” Oh man I feel for Kagome. This sentence was a good idea in showing that Kagome is uneasy around him because of her crush on him. Nicely done. Please don’t be discouraged by what I’ve said. Constructive criticism is meant to help make you a better writer. It’s the whole point of reviews. Keep writing!
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  • From ANON - Anon on August 04, 2013
    Good idea but you need a beta the grammar and writing for not the best. Very hard to read.
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